Single-Minded

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This is for all my single ladies and gents out there who are waiting for their true love.

I kept hearing this phrase “single-minded”. It has two meanings obviously, single on your mind and single minded “having or concentrating on only one aim or purpose” (google). 

I’ve been meeting a lot of ladies who have singleness on their mind. They are looking for their true love, their husband.

I have been single for 4 years, minus the dating spree I went on after breaking up with my ex. I knew he was not going to be my husband. We didn’t have any similar vision or calling in life.

For some reason, I actually feel quite peaceful about it. 

I think it’s because I have become single-minded – living with and for Jesus. 

This was not always the case. If anyone should be boy-crazed, drama filled or dysfunctional it should be me. If anyone should have a boat load of daddy issues, it should be me since I did not see my dad for 10 years; and still, I see him every few years. He lives in another country.

Yes, my former years in middle school and high school were filled with tears, heart ache, journals filled with love stories with imaginary boyfriends and celebrities. If anyone should still have love drama in my life, it should be me…I mean I was the one girl who stood across the street from a crush’s house and creepily watched him walk in his house everyday.

So why at this point of being single for 4 years am I so content and peaceful?

It took awhile for me to heal from my past relationships. My heart desired acceptance. My life was laden with rejection and abandonment issues that I felt unsafe and insecure. I felt like I was lacking and that I wasn’t enough.

I tried to find security in imaginary boyfriends or eventually real boyfriends.

Sometimes my security was anchored in a career, in my drive and type A personality.

Sometimes my security was anchored in how much I could do for others. This often led to burn out and sickness.

Sometimes my security was anchored in how productive I was or how accomplished I was.

I was also a mommy pleaser. I did things for my mom and others for acceptance and validation.

It took some time for God to break off those things from me. Slowly I found my voice, I found the voice to say “no”. I valued myself more. 

One day I woke up and unfriended and unfollowed every guy I ever dated or had feelings for.

I became “single-minded”. 

I didn’t want to play around with my destiny anymore. I wanted to be single-minded, to focus on the only one who already gave me true love and true validation. This one was named Jesus. He took me in His arms and whispered truths to me. He told me how much He loved me and how proud of me He was.

Yes, did I spend many holidays, new years, Christmas eve, Christmas alone?

Yes, but I wasn’t alone. God was with me and it was peaceful…no drama.

Did I find the silence sometimes confusing, unbearable? Yes.

Did I find myself going on walks feeling like I was always going to be in the stage I was in life? Yes.

Did I sometimes have negative thoughts that plagued me, speaking lies and telling me that I was “not enough”? Yes.

But Jesus was with me through it all. He helped me overcome all things and continues to do so. He is with me in the pain, the tears and the laughter. He is with me in all things. 

I was in a wilderness for the past 4 years, rebuilding my heart and following the still small voice. I was misunderstood, rejected and left for dead. But through it all, I became powerful in my spirit. Nothing could faze me. I was scorned by my own family members, accused when I was actually just following God.

The path that Jesus walks on is not always easy. It requires sacrifice.

But everything HE calls you to is worth it because you are always upgraded in your spirit, overcoming fear, anger, bitterness, grief. 

Suddenly you find yourself in the storm, sleeping peacefully while everyone is screaming for their lives.

That is the true single mindedness I’m talking about.

When you come to a place where you realize you are enough, you are not lacking, you are not single, you are whole in Christ Jesus. You are not a fragmented piece looking for your other half, you are a whole piece who will meet another whole piece.

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New Doors Won’t Open Until You Close The Old Doors

I hear God say “I won’t open the new doors if you are unwilling to close the old doors”. 
The new you and old you can’t exist in the same realm.
Some of you will need to quit the old job before you launch your new business.
Some of you need to delete old flings before your husband shows up!

I woke up from a dream where I had moved into a new house but I had let an old fling into my house. God was saying “you still have open doors to the people you need to close doors to!” It was so clear to me…if you don’t let go of the old things you will live a double minded person and never walk into the full promise of what God has for you!!!

Some of you need to shut the window and door completely to the guys or girls you used to like!!!! You say you want a husband or wife but you’re still thinking about the guy or girl you used to like!!! You are still remembering dates and moments with old flings.

You need to delete them completely. No marriage or new relationship will thrive if your heart is on the past. Same goes for career, life, housing, etc…….you must be focused!!!!

You are asking me what I did to close those doors? I deleted and unfriended guys I used to have feelings for. That’s right- HONEST AIN’T I? I deleted old photo albums and EX’s photos!!! You say, but those were the good times, the old times, the memories….NO, can you imagine if you got married to your husband and you found out he still talked to HIS EX? You would feel the same way right? 

God WANTS your full surrender so HE can GIVE YOU THE BEST.

Knocking Down the Wall of Self-Protection, The Key To An Open Heart & A Full Life

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“How are you?”

“Are you okay? Okay, as long as you are okay”

Well I don’t want to be okay. I want to feel, to experience all levels of emotions.

This morning I woke up from a dream where I could feel my whole being weeping. In the dream, I was experiencing every emotion I’ve somehow neglected to feel, that I’ve managed to numb. Because it’s too much sometimes.

But I woke up, I could feel my whole body shaking as I made weeping sounds and my eyes turned puffy in no time. All the pain started lifting off my body as I experienced the pain in my heart. Though it wasn’t necessarily voluntary and sometimes God needs to show me my true emotions in dreams, I was grateful.

You know what it felt like?

Like when a kid is VORACIOUSLY hungry or tired and he/she cries like the world is ending. I bet you’ve seen it.

I wish we could feel that much all the time. But somehow most of us can’t, we cover up our true emotions by staying distracted. 

We binge eat, drink, smoke, get addicted to a substance, stay numb by netflixing, gaining weight, or losing weight, focusing on what we don’t have and trying to get it, work….complain, blame, escape (hey, how about travel, I know I personally have tried to avoid my emotions by escaping LA), shop or take pills because it’s too much to feel.

But you know when you have A REALLY SOUL WRENCHING cry and then suddenly your body feels lighter? Like a whole slew of burdens have lifted off your shoulders? That’s how it felt. And you know when you give that kid a good meal and they’ve slept….and suddenly they can smile again? Yah that’s how this feels.

Today someone asked me if I was okay. I said “no one’s truly just okay, everyone is going on a journey and some are just not aware of how they are feeling”.

I’m not saying everyone is depressed or going through intense emotions, I’m saying somehow in our society it’s not okay to show vulnerability, to be struggling internally, to have deep emotions. 

It’s okay. To not be okay. I like this journey. I am feeling more emotions, I am feeling the pain and the joy. I am choosing to be alert, to be conscious, to feel deeply. 

I met two men last year that I thought were respectable, honorable, honest men. I thought they would be good candidates for a potential life partner. But when I got to know them a little more, or actually even as I was talking to them I noticed there was a wall. The wall of vulnerability.

The wall that says “I’ve been hurt, don’t get near me”. 

I know I’m still breaking down that wall myself and truth be told, those two men reflected my state of being. You meet people who you reflect. Everyone in your life is a mirror to your own state of being. It doesn’t mean that you are exactly like them, but there is a part of you that is reflected in them. 

That’s why they say “wounds attract wounds”, “you are attracted to like minded people”….so they key to being with the right life partner isn’t so much about fixing the other person, but working within your soul to heal the wounds that attract wounded people.

It doesn’t mean you are insufficient, every part of the journey is worthwhile, but if you are going to spend the rest your life with someone…you want someone on the same level of “healed” and “healing”.

If you want someone to treat you a certain way, learning to treat yourself well is everything.

If you want someone to love you a certain way, learning to love yourself well is everything.

We can’t expect other people to take responsibility for our healing, we must actively seek it out. First, we must open our hearts, that is a personal decision. Second, we forgive, and that’s also a personal decision. 

I know there were times I couldn’t listen to other peoples’ problems because it triggered emotions of my own that I was incapable of experiencing.

The only reason I’m sharing this is because I’m walking it. Healing is not easy, but worth it. I hope you will continue walking with me through this journey- Subscribe on the right side of the blog via email (right side of blog on desktop computers and if you are reading via phone subscribe on the bottom of the blog)! 

Also if you are interested in the forgiveness class that I talked about in my last post, please visit https://hope4hollywood.com/register/

What better way to spend Sunday night than to talk about online dating (There is cussing in this post for those conservatives who sometimes read my blog and get offended). 

So given that I have friends that are single and ready to mingle, they often tell me about their dating woes. Well, one has started online dating, well, stopped for the moment. So after watching some Hart of Dixie, and Wade is REALLY hot, I decided…you know what.. time to manifest some real romance. However, after downloading Tinder for the 100th time, because I get sick of it in 5 minutes after swiping left too many times, I had to delete it once more. I have more relationship drama with the app itself.

The truth is I am really loving my life right now, without a man. I really love it. I love watching movies even by myself. I like sitting in a theater with no one to bother me, I love going to get coffee and even eating by myself. I find dates filled with hassle. So I pretty much already have criterion, which starts with beliefs, and ends with honesty.

And I thought, maybe I shouldn’t write about this because I will sound like a whiny bitch or perhaps someone with high standards who like “can’t compromise” and I call bullshit on that because YOU SHOULD HAVE STANDARDS. WE LIVE IN FUCKING LA! For crying out loud. Especially in LA, a girl must have standards. I can’t even begin…

The problem with Tinder is that besides already knowing what they are like….because well, being the artist and philosophically inclined person that I am, you can tell a lot about a person based on just photos. 

  1. “dude he looks like a pedophile, why is he kissing this young girl that way…why is he even posting it? Is that his niece of his ex? I am so confused.”
  2. he looks like he plays video games all day. His face is oily”
  3. “please noooo….another selfie of his abs…..abs without a face is not attractive to woman…it’s like seeing a picture of a mannequin at the mall, without clothes on”
  4. I asked my guy friend this….and they think it’s okay and attracts women…well whatever type of women they are trying to attract, cuz I don’t find a photo of him (whoever the subject is) with other sexy women attractive….like it doesn’t make me think “oh wow, he seems popular with the ladies, well, now, I find him attractive too then”. I ain’t a dumb bitch and I’m not about to claw another woman for a guy like that.
  5. where the fuck is his face? In every photo he is looking away….and as my friend said, they have a wife, they don’t want their identity on there..like cuz his wife’s friend might find him cheating….he dead”.

I got super liked a few times, I’m not going to boast. Oh wait I am boasting. But well, I didn’t find them attractive or likable….yes, even through a photo. So I deleted Tinder. Again.

But you know what, I am where I imagined myself to be. I never ever thought I’d be one of those woman to get married early. That wasn’t really in my dream list. I’ve traveled, I’ve done a lot of things and yes, that was how I imagined my early twenties. I’m not perfect and that’s why I want to continue learning how to love my imperfections.

PS- if you are wondering what to look for in a long term dude- https://rebekkalien.com/2015/04/27/why-you-should-date-for-destiny/ 

 

Food and Tinder

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Today I wrote on this Girls Who Travel group-

“I got hungry and downloaded Tinder again”.

I was maybe metaphorically craving some companionship and also I was really hungry, like my stomach was hungry.

This lady I knew wrote something about – “are you serious right now?” as if a feminist would not like free food. She took me seriously. Which I had to roll on the floor and laugh.

A bunch of other girls agreed with me and said why not.

It was a joke. That I thought people would find funny, but I guess the angry feminists were not laughing.

After scrolling through, I only found one picture attractive, it was Jesus and KFC man. No attractive men for me. And just FYI feminist lady, I wouldn’t go out with anyone I didn’t think was a potential for a real date…I wouldn’t go if you paid me. I would never use a man for a meal, geez, I rather eat ramen and watch netflix by myself- Lord have MERCY!

I would not subject myself to an hour of boredom with a man I thought was uninteresting. 

But in case you are wondering, I do find generous men attractive and yes, if he made more income, I think the man would want to pay for my meal and yes, I’m okay with it. I’m grateful and happy and I would say thank you. 

That does not make me less of an equal human being, that would make me a grateful and thankful one, it would not make me less than because I don’t need anyone to say I’m less than or more of anything. I just am.

She also made a good point “didn’t you write an ebook on how to make money doing what you love? and living your dreams? So this isn’t consistent with your brand”

Um. Did you read my ebook?

I’m all about asking for help. In fact, you cannot be self sufficient as an entrepreneur. Haven’t you seen people ask investors for help to build a company? I’m thankful for all the free meals, free accommodations, free help I’ve gotten as an entrepreneur. You cannot be an entrepreneur if you don’t ask for help.

In fact, when I was self employed I asked my mom for help to pay rent twice. I’ve stayed with friends for 5 months, I’ve crashed couches, I’ve asked for free shit in exchange for social media exposure…..

So no, maybe I’m not a feminist if it means I have to not ask for help. Maybe I’m just human and you know what I’m more than grateful for the gifts of God, of humans, of nature, of plants that grow and become my food, of animals, of technology. All of these, I did not strive for, it was all gifts. 

And by the way, I am living my dreams. I am in Singapore right now, traveling the world because I am always relying on God, on people for help.

Why You Should Date For Destiny

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In a world of tinder and okcupid, how does a young person date these days and for what purpose?

If you’re simply dating for pleasure and to live a life happy to your own little unit, may I suggest something more significant?

Date for destiny. I have been happily single for over a year and during that time I’ve solidified my destiny. My destiny in this world is to grow in love and share the love in my heart, my destiny is to awaken people’s hearts to their true self. My heart desires to share my stories of overcoming fatherlessness, healing, taking bold risks, forgiveness, reconciliation and to heal people. My life work manifests through my life story, my books, my speeches, projects and a life 100% committed to the expression and manifestation of love.

Here are questions I ask people:

1. What makes you come alive? What makes you smile and brings joy to your heart?

2. What are your biggest dream?

3. What is your purpose in life?

4. Who are you?

If you don’t know the answer to those questions, solidify what they are before you even consider involving yourself in a relationship. When I was younger, I didn’t know much about the purpose of a relationship. I knew that it was best that a child have two parents that were still together. As a child of divorce, I have seen the damages of having an absent father. Having children is a really serious ordeal, I don’t take it lightly.

Now that you have identified those 4 life questions, you can date and eliminate candidates based on the criterions.

1. Besides personality and chemistry, do they have the same dreams and purpose?

2. Do they know who they are as a wholistic being? Not just “career title”.

I see so many superficial relationships including my past relationships that it saddens me to see marriages and relationships rip apart based on differences in life goals.

Success is easy, just follow systematic steps to accrue wealth. That means little to me. I live by destiny. Ever since I was young, I knew there was something great within me. I was destined to overcome and to be an inspiration to others. I’m an agent of change and healing as I have graciously been shown agape love. I live by grace.

My dream isn’t to become rich, though that will come as I contribute my greatness into this world….my dream is to be the most loving self I can be and to partner with a co-agent of change. After I speak at international conferences, I’d like to have my other half tell me I did a good job, pray for me before major speaking engagements and create life changing music, films, companies together.

I’ve been destined for something way bigger than just living a normal picket fence American life.

I’ve given everything up for one great love, I know Ill succeed, I know I’ve already changed and inspired hundreds through my speeches, Ebook, travels, volunteer work, this blog….if god took me now, I would be proud to say I’ve done it all. But now I’d like to partner with someone so we can continue the work in a grander way, not to live a normal life in a big house, but to go where spirit leads. There’s few that would sacrifice everything for a greater dream.

Are you dating for fun? That’s fine, but don’t waste your life not knowing who you are and what your destiny is. Life is too short. When you become whole in healing, knowing the core of your purpose in this life, you’ll start to date for destiny….not for temporary pleasures but for a partner who will walk into destiny with you.

watch my YouTube video here- http://youtu.be/MtW7yDZFEp0