Getting Out of Toxic Relationships

Trauma Bonding and Getting Out Of Toxic Relationships

I was in a 2.5 year relationship and didn’t speak up for myself and what I needed. I lost myself. And it took years to find myself again! I am here to help women get out of toxic relationships, speak up for themselves and learn not to “give sex” right away to protect themselves from men who just want sex. The dating journey is about learning to heal from and communicate your needs in a relationship.

I’ve learn not to commit myself to someone just because I like them but to let go when you know immediately that it’s not your husband. How do you know if it’s your husband? Does he believe in God like you do? Do you have the same beliefs about life, morality? What are non- negotiable for you? Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless! For coaching – dm me.

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Performance Driven Relationships Vs. Vulnerability Driven Relationships

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This morning after I confessed the truth to my ex (about cheating on him 6 years ago), I had this realization that a lot of my friendships and relationships in the past were “performance driven” relationships.

My mother used to yell at me a lot. I had to practice piano for 1-2 hours a day as a child. She would leave the house and tell me to practice. I would read instead of play piano. When I heard her car in the driveway, I would start playing piano again. I wasn’t really doing anything bad but I essentially lied to her and would say I played piano the whole time.

Of course my ex said that I was selfish for telling him and that I am wasting his time. Because should it even matter anymore?

I felt God say to tell him the truth this whole week and I was scared to. I was scared of the consequences or hurting his feelings. I haven’t talked to him for 6 years.

But all of this exposed everything to me, about how I used to be in relationships.

He didn’t like my clothes, I had to change.

He told me to put on makeup.

It was a relationship driven by performance and people pleasing. 

Essentially – “I’ll be happy if you do this or don’t do this”.

Same with my mother. 

I tried to appease her but I didn’t like doing what she told me to, so I just lied or avoided telling her anything that would displease her. 

I went through a lot of trauma by myself because I did not want to worry her or be blamed for my decisions. Often times if I was heart broken, I would tell her and she would say “why did you get so close to him anyways?” or “why did you even go out with him?”

After her divorce, she never dated or married again. She gave up on men.

I felt alone in my friendships and relationships because I had to hide much of what I was going through due to fear of judgement or someone trying to tell me what to do. 

I have learned to be honest and vulnerable in my relationships even though it isn’t easy.

Even at the age of 32, I have told my mother that I am staying at my friend’s house and if it was a guy, she’d get angry.

That is why when I was 22 I moved out and never told her anything I did. I think people lie or cheat because they can’t truly be themselves in that relationship. Perhaps they’ve gotten to a point where they are hiding their opinions, perspectives, truths out of the fear that they will be judged for their truth. 

My ex often said that I was the cheerful, positive person. He thought of me as this perfect girl that was his only. He was controlling at times and distant at times. It was really unhealthy. I couldn’t tell him how I felt at all because he didn’t like talking about his emotions. At one point I had a male roommate who I could easily talk to and I asked myself why I felt so alone in my relationship but felt comfortable talking to my roommate. I was crying to him about my ex as he tucked me into my bed. 

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It didn’t make sense but I tried to find comfort and communication outside of my relationship because there was no communication or vulnerability in my relationship. 

Without vulnerability in your relationships, you feel like you have to perform and be something you’re not.

Honesty breaks every ice. No one is asking you to do something you don’t want to. Everything you do should be out of desire and the honesty of your heart.

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Good Love

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Photo by luizclas on Pexels.com

You encounter such bad love your whole life that you don’t know what good love is. 

And you finally open up, you want to be an open book but those around you want to shut down. You want to be loved and accepted for all of you, not just a part of you. So you share, but you feel judged.

But now, you’ve reached a new level.

It’s a healthy love.

They will embrace and love you even if your emotions are messy, even if you try to run, they run after you, they won’t let you hide, they’ll uncover the blanket hiding all your mess. They see the mess and they love you, they let you cry on their shoulder.

That’s what I’m experiencing now. 

You can come to a point that you communicate everything on your mind, and it feels amazing.

You don’t have to run from the people that want to love you, you run into their arms.

Even if that person is simply a friend, not your husband.

You don’t need to keep or own a person, you can love and express love without judgement or rejection. 

I realize why I felt the need to socialize and minister to people when I was with my friend. There was a block. There were friends that didn’t really allow themselves to emote, or to feel their emotions. I’d want to talk to other people to feel my emotions.

I’m seeing old cycles broken in my life.

Cycles where I used sexuality to feel my emotions, cycles where I ran to distractions and temporary pleasures to gratify the numbness.

I’m finally feeling all of my emotions, I’m accepting them.

I can talk about all my emotions and not be afraid to feel them. I dated an ex that never talked about his emotions, it was impossible to connect with him. Because of that, I ended up cheating on him.

I felt like I was not allowed to have “negative” emotions and whenever I talked about how I felt, he would shut me down and tell me not to talk about it. He had panic attacks, he had anxiety, he never cried. He only cried when we broke up.

I felt alone in that relationship.

I felt utterly alone and unloved because my emotions were not accepted or valued.

Now, I know what love is supposed to feel like.

I’m supposed to be able to run to the people I love for love, not run away from them to feel my emotions. All of my feelings and emotions should be valued and validated in a relationship, not just the positive ones.

I should be able to feel scared, sad or angry in a relationship. I should be able to be upset. I should be able to feel however I feel whenever I feel them and be heard and understood in that relationship. And even if that person does not understand, they can express that they aren’t able to understand it but they’ll try.

Communication is everything. Let’s communicate to each other, let’s dialogue instead of dictate.

Give to this ministry and prophetic word- Thank you! God bless! 

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Live Life In Freedom

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They tell me 

“well you shouldn’t have….” because this or that wouldn’t have happened.

You shouldn’t have crossed the road, because if you wouldn’t have crossed the road, you wouldn’t have fallen.

You shouldn’t have fallen in love, because you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.

You shouldn’t have….

But they live in a box full of guilt and condemnation. They devil taunting them, you shouldn’t have, you could have prevented yourself from getting hurt.

So they live in fear, inside their house as demons tell them “don’t go out, you’ll get hurt”.

Sure, I get hurt and things happen to me.

Things that probably don’t happen to most people. But you do realize I am a prophet and the devil will try to stop me from being free right?

From preaching “no condemnation in Christ Jesus?” The devil will use anything to say “well you shouldn’t have”.

Don’t be out, they say. 

Don’t do this, they say. 

Lots of red tape and yellow tape. They try to put tape on me. If only, they say.

There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. I followed my heart and I fell on the street. I got a few marks on my face, a bit on my legs and arms, but I am a warrior. I loved with all my heart. I fell down off the cliff but God lifted me up.

I could hide in a cave, but the enemy would love that. 

I could start numbering and measuring, instead of loving. I could start using logic and reading, trying to figure out how to best “prevent hurt from happening and my heart from breaking”, but I would never live.

I could become a recluse and never talk to another human being, then I would have no drama and no tears to cry, but I would be alone, utterly alone, devoid of love. 

I fall head first, and I use my heart, not my logic. I love with all my being and heart.

And they point fingers and say “well you shouldn’t have”. They don’t understand becauseI they think with their heads and not their heart. They’ve shut love out. Love is not logical, love is passionate, messy, full of mistakes.

Growing up I saw marriages made out of logic. You see, they tick all the boxes but there is no chemistry or passion. I saw white picket fence relationships. “We look good to others”, it was a front.

Regret is not from God. 

I accept all the decisions I’ve ever made and I accept that I was living in freedom. There was nothing I could have done to prevent what I needed to experience. 

But why do I need to get hurt? Is it necessary? 

Yes, you are whole in my eyes. The hurt is only momentary. You loved and lived, and you were better for it. You are so rich because you choose to love with everything you have. You are a zillionaire because you choose to live outside the box and cage of fear. 

God has already made you pure and whole by the blood of Jesus, you’re standing with God never changes, He never sees an inkling of sin or mistakes in you. 

So why do we live our lives fearing that we will make a mistake or get hurt?

We base our decisions on one fear, “I never want to get divorced….I learned from my parents” (fear of failure, also a fear not from God)

“I don’t ever want to get heart broken, it hurt too much last time, so I’m never going to date. I’m just going to sit in this car and never ask another girl out, I’ll just wait on God” (aka I don’t ever want to face rejection again- which is a fear).

Life is full of unknowns. It is also possible to have a fear of the unknown.

I don’t know where God will lead me, so I won’t walk in faith- some say.

I’ll control and do what I can see- and for most people that is making money or working. 

You can’t see emotions, so most people don’t want to fall in love.

When they get hurt, they resort to making money, because they can see money and dollar amounts. You can calculate money, but you can’t calculate love. 

“I’ve been used, I feel lack, now I am going to ignore my heart forever and live my life for what I can calculate and earn”- some say. 

But your heart is still whole, it’s broken, but it’s whole.

Okay, it hurts, sure, but everyday is a new day. God is saying “don’t live in fear, you’ve been made righteous by my blood, don’t condemn yourself, you don’t hurt because of your decisions, you hurt because that’s part of life. Do you know that my love makes you whole. Feel the sadness and the emotions, but don’t stop living life. I’m holding your heart”.

I’m healing your heart, says God.

Religion says “if I follow all the rules, I won’t get hurt”.

Grace says “I am free in Christ Jesus, I can walk in freedom and trust with God and even if I get hurt, His love carries me”.

Give to this ministry and prophetic word- Thank you! God bless! 

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I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

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This was a super impromptu “photo shoot” that I had in the moment at Pacific Palisades.

How deep do you want to fall?

We all try to protect our hearts. We call it “being wise”. We disappear. We ghost, we don’t communicate how much we care, we act like we can be disconnected from our hearts.

“I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to get hurt”.

That’s our excuse. Sky high walls around our hearts. It’s better to not be happy, then be happy for a minute or a moment. 

We try to cut things short because maybe we won’t feel it, any kind of pain.

But it’s inevitable.

I remember the pain of leaving my 10 year old students in China or each mission trip I took. I built deep friendships with the people I hung out with. Everyday I felt my heart being broken. But does that mean I shouldn’t have gone? No. That’s what made the moments beautiful. 

You love them more in each moment.

The moments are sparkly. Vulnerability beautiful.

Hearts shining.

But we seem to pull back as humans.

It’s better to be defensive and cold than to show that we care.

I don’t want to live with a closed heart. I want to live with my heart wide open.

I went from having to turn down a guy, to kind of being turned down (even as a friend), to a guy trying to “protect my heart from getting hurt” to meeting a guy who wanted to treat me right but didn’t want me to “fall in love with him”.

These are all innuendos of “let’s not feel”.

The truth is relationships are complex and it’s hard to be cold-hearted. 

But we have all kinds of excuse. 

I don’t want to hurt you.

I don’t want you to hurt me. “I’m scared to get hurt”.

I had a really clean cut idea of marriage and dating. I didn’t understand why I had to date. “What’s the point God? Especially if he’s not my husband?” 

2 years ago God showed me a tinder account swiping left, and I heard “get ready”.

I never really understood why I had to go through so much dating wise, even before. Other people seemed to have it easy. They just met their husband and that’s it. But no, me???? I’ve had plenty of boyfriends, I’ve had summer/winter/fall flings, I was definitely not the typical church-goer.

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I’m a romantic. I used to draw comics and write love stories. Each boyfriend was a potential husband. I wrote impossible scenarios of grand romantic gestures. 

But those were not always the type of men I met. Some were just lewd, sketchy, perverts. The only way I found that I could protect my heart was to not sleep with them (so I have managed to save myself for marriage). But do not get me wrong, I’ve had my share of physical experiences.

I didn’t grow up with my dad, I shut down my heart whenever I would leave Taiwan (after a visit).

“It’s better to not feel, then to feel any love for someone who will leave me”.

That is how I protected myself. But that’s how I became disassociated and disconnected emotionally. 

Through this dating process recently, the Lord showed me how I would disconnect to protect myself. A part of my personality would shut down because my heart was bracing for the heartbreak, the separation. I would sense how I became distant, indifferent. I would stop laughing, I would stop being entertaining or happy. I would become quieter, pensive. I wouldn’t say what is on my mind.

“It’s going to end anyway” my heart would say.

“Why bother? Why try?”

I couldn’t allow myself just to be happy, because there was some pending “doom”. 

People think that if they just disconnect or not feel, then they’d protect themselves from pain. 

But I realize that pain is powerful, it allows our hearts to know that it matters. 

That person or moment or season of my life was beautiful, powerful, lovely.

Why can’t we be okay with that?

We avoid pain at all costs but we also miss the beauty of it all. 

The life, the riches, the moments.

After spending time with someone the Lord led me to yesterday, I felt this strange ache in my neck. My heart felt numb and unfeeling. I didn’t know why. I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. My heart was scared to feel.

I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

Like the other friends who disappeared from my life, will this one leave too? That’s what pushed me away from forming deep friendships for awhile. And even if I did, I couldn’t communicate through the pain of certain conflicts. It hurt too much. I had people betray me, but I also cut people off.

When people are good to you, you doubt it. This is too good to be true. Am I really safe? Or are they judgemental? Will they snap at any minute?

I’ve met nice people recently, and I think they’ll stay that way, but one comment triggers them to react and my heart will fear. 

“I’m not safe” my heart will say. “Go home” I’ll think.

God has been leading me to people who are lonely, rejected, wounded, I mean that is my ministry. At the same time, I find myself trying to guard myself from feeling for them.

“Get down and dirty, feel each moment, feel each feeling, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Cry and laugh. Don’t be afraid of love”.

Love is not just happiness and roses, love is also the pain of separation. I talk to many singles about dating and they often use the excuse of “I’m just loving myself”. This may be true for a season but the prophesy that the Lord has been telling me is “tell people to open their heart and come out of hiding”.

Tell people to be vulnerable, to tell their truth. 

It’s human nature to hide out of shame, unworthiness, guilt. But when we expose our truths, we know that we can truly be loved for who we are, not what we do. 

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Some people may find me too careless to open my heart but that’s just how God has made me. I have to have an open heart everyday. Sometimes I’ll have fear in my heart and I won’t want to take chances or step out in faith but God will lead me to be courageous.

Yesterday He said “ask for a ride” and just as I was about to get the bus I saw a car pull up. The car had a baby in it. The driver was Catholic. She sped up and dropped me off where the bus was. My heart was still hesitant right? Immediately I met a guy with tattoos who was quiet. I started talking to him. I know most people find talking to strangers intimidating but when people open up to me, I feel encouraged.

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Eventually I got to Pasadena and I saw this woman walking around with her suitcase. I asked if she needed help and she said “no”. God said “follow her, ask her if she needs help”. Eventually I realized that God was trying to tell me not to be afraid of rejection.

Because I needed to tell a guy my truth. The truth was “I am not physically attracted to you”. I tried to explain it a few ways but I realize that I couldn’t. I had to be honest. I was emotionally attracted but not physically attracted so I used “you’re not usually my type” as a way to avoid the truth. But he thought that I would eventually realize he was the better option, opposed to the other guys that I was seeing (whom he considered bad boys).

The truth is hard to hear sometimes, but it does set us free. We want to take care of peoples’ hearts but we really can’t. Only God can, God has peoples’ hearts in His hands.

I felt guilty and bad for having to be honest. I hate hurting people, but closing a door allows them to move on. 

Maybe I’m too honest, or maybe I overshare. But I live in freedom. I’m an artist, I’ve been created to express myself.

I’m not a saint, I’ve been saved by grace. I’m not perfect, only perfect by the blood of Jesus.

Would you consider giving a contribution or donating to this ministry? God leads me to divine appointments everyday, I pastor people who are unconventional, who have been rejected by the church or by their parents, some are drug addicts living on the streets, some are just really isolated people who have no friends, some just have high walls up in their hearts. Many of them I prophesy for them to go home because they have a fear of being rejected by their parents….most likely they have already experienced lots of rejection from their family. I was like that myself. But God taught me to speak up to my mom and tell her how I feel, without a fear of rejection. It’s never really become easy though. I’ve just grown in my capacity to have patience and love for her.

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Let’s Talk About Dating!!!!!

When I was young, I was taught that God will just bring your husband.

You just had to sit there and wait.

LOL.

But what God has taught me in the last few years is that when you have triggers and issues related to men (for me) since I did not grow up with my dad and had many fears about marriage— God will graciously bring what you need to heal those wounds.

God has brought me many divine appointments to show me that there are good men out there. He has taught me how to communicate and relate to a male. He has shown me why some males have trouble communicating their emotions and what they struggle with.

Here were my fears –

  1. That someone will disappear and walk away (a fear of loss).
  2. I felt that people didn’t care about me, and instead of conveying how they felt….they disappeared (again).
  3. That if I got emotionally close to someone and it was a male, they had to be my future husband….because if I got close to someone who wasn’t my husband then well, they’d end up liking me or vice versa…and that was ultimately bad…since you would have to separate from each other. So better not to take the chance. And also because I had a close guy friend that I thought liked me, but ultimately got a girlfriend (so I read the cues wrong but God protected me).

What I have learned to do in the last years-

  1. Tell a guy if I liked him or was attracted to him. Be vulnerable and tell him how I felt even if he did not like me back. This has helped me to overcome any fear of rejection. 
  2. Tell a guy if he was not my future husband and brace the reactions, even if it was bad.
  3. Tell the truth at all times. 

So I think churches don’t teach that stuff at all. 

Churches teach “avoid” at all costs. They don’t teach honesty. They don’t teach people how to confront issues and bring up the issue. What I learned from church was “just avoid dating. Only date the guy if he’s going to be your husband”.

Dating is really about getting to know a person. If after a date, or a coffee date….he is not what you’re looking for, it’s okay to tell the truth and move on! Perhaps a lot of people are scared to date because they’re scared of rejection or getting their heart broken.

Dating isn’t about avoiding the truth, it’s about telling the truth! Some people are scared to date because they’re scared to hurt someone….so they just disappear or ghost and there are a lot of unresolved issues because of that. 

I’ve seen that the more honest and direct you are, the better.

Some people settle because they think “this is good enough”.

But you deserve the BEST! 

So why not put yourself out there. It’s not about getting it right. It’s about living in freedom and expressing love.

I have told plenty of people that they are attractive or that they are kind and loving. I have told people that they are amazing. Why not? And I’ve been vulnerable too, and I’ve been hurt. But why live with fear?

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Single-Minded

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This is for all my single ladies and gents out there who are waiting for their true love.

I kept hearing this phrase “single-minded”. It has two meanings obviously, single on your mind and single minded “having or concentrating on only one aim or purpose” (google). 

I’ve been meeting a lot of ladies who have singleness on their mind. They are looking for their true love, their husband.

I have been single for 4 years, minus the dating spree I went on after breaking up with my ex. I knew he was not going to be my husband. We didn’t have any similar vision or calling in life.

For some reason, I actually feel quite peaceful about it. 

I think it’s because I have become single-minded – living with and for Jesus. 

This was not always the case. If anyone should be boy-crazed, drama filled or dysfunctional it should be me. If anyone should have a boat load of daddy issues, it should be me since I did not see my dad for 10 years; and still, I see him every few years. He lives in another country.

Yes, my former years in middle school and high school were filled with tears, heart ache, journals filled with love stories with imaginary boyfriends and celebrities. If anyone should still have love drama in my life, it should be me…I mean I was the one girl who stood across the street from a crush’s house and creepily watched him walk in his house everyday.

So why at this point of being single for 4 years am I so content and peaceful?

It took awhile for me to heal from my past relationships. My heart desired acceptance. My life was laden with rejection and abandonment issues that I felt unsafe and insecure. I felt like I was lacking and that I wasn’t enough.

I tried to find security in imaginary boyfriends or eventually real boyfriends.

Sometimes my security was anchored in a career, in my drive and type A personality.

Sometimes my security was anchored in how much I could do for others. This often led to burn out and sickness.

Sometimes my security was anchored in how productive I was or how accomplished I was.

I was also a mommy pleaser. I did things for my mom and others for acceptance and validation.

It took some time for God to break off those things from me. Slowly I found my voice, I found the voice to say “no”. I valued myself more. 

One day I woke up and unfriended and unfollowed every guy I ever dated or had feelings for.

I became “single-minded”. 

I didn’t want to play around with my destiny anymore. I wanted to be single-minded, to focus on the only one who already gave me true love and true validation. This one was named Jesus. He took me in His arms and whispered truths to me. He told me how much He loved me and how proud of me He was.

Yes, did I spend many holidays, new years, Christmas eve, Christmas alone?

Yes, but I wasn’t alone. God was with me and it was peaceful…no drama.

Did I find the silence sometimes confusing, unbearable? Yes.

Did I find myself going on walks feeling like I was always going to be in the stage I was in life? Yes.

Did I sometimes have negative thoughts that plagued me, speaking lies and telling me that I was “not enough”? Yes.

But Jesus was with me through it all. He helped me overcome all things and continues to do so. He is with me in the pain, the tears and the laughter. He is with me in all things. 

I was in a wilderness for the past 4 years, rebuilding my heart and following the still small voice. I was misunderstood, rejected and left for dead. But through it all, I became powerful in my spirit. Nothing could faze me. I was scorned by my own family members, accused when I was actually just following God.

The path that Jesus walks on is not always easy. It requires sacrifice.

But everything HE calls you to is worth it because you are always upgraded in your spirit, overcoming fear, anger, bitterness, grief. 

Suddenly you find yourself in the storm, sleeping peacefully while everyone is screaming for their lives.

That is the true single mindedness I’m talking about.

When you come to a place where you realize you are enough, you are not lacking, you are not single, you are whole in Christ Jesus. You are not a fragmented piece looking for your other half, you are a whole piece who will meet another whole piece.

New Doors Won’t Open Until You Close The Old Doors

 

I hear God say “I won’t open the new doors if you are unwilling to close the old doors”. 
The new you and old you can’t exist in the same realm.
Some of you will need to quit the old job before you launch your new business.
Some of you need to delete old flings before your husband shows up!

I woke up from a dream where I had moved into a new house but I had let an old fling into my house. God was saying “you still have open doors to the people you need to close doors to!” It was so clear to me…if you don’t let go of the old things you will live a double minded person and never walk into the full promise of what God has for you!!!

Some of you need to shut the window and door completely to the guys or girls you used to like!!!! You say you want a husband or wife but you’re still thinking about the guy or girl you used to like!!! You are still remembering dates and moments with old flings.

You need to delete them completely. No marriage or new relationship will thrive if your heart is on the past. Same goes for career, life, housing, etc…….you must be focused!!!!

You are asking me what I did to close those doors? I deleted and unfriended guys I used to have feelings for. That’s right- HONEST AIN’T I? I deleted old photo albums and EX’s photos!!! You say, but those were the good times, the old times, the memories….NO, can you imagine if you got married to your husband and you found out he still talked to HIS EX? You would feel the same way right? 

God WANTS your full surrender so HE can GIVE YOU THE BEST.

Knocking Down the Wall of Self-Protection, The Key To An Open Heart & A Full Life

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“How are you?”

“Are you okay? Okay, as long as you are okay”

Well I don’t want to be okay. I want to feel, to experience all levels of emotions.

This morning I woke up from a dream where I could feel my whole being weeping. In the dream, I was experiencing every emotion I’ve somehow neglected to feel, that I’ve managed to numb. Because it’s too much sometimes.

But I woke up, I could feel my whole body shaking as I made weeping sounds and my eyes turned puffy in no time. All the pain started lifting off my body as I experienced the pain in my heart. Though it wasn’t necessarily voluntary and sometimes God needs to show me my true emotions in dreams, I was grateful.

You know what it felt like?

Like when a kid is VORACIOUSLY hungry or tired and he/she cries like the world is ending. I bet you’ve seen it.

I wish we could feel that much all the time. But somehow most of us can’t, we cover up our true emotions by staying distracted. 

We binge eat, drink, smoke, get addicted to a substance, stay numb by netflixing, gaining weight, or losing weight, focusing on what we don’t have and trying to get it, work….complain, blame, escape (hey, how about travel, I know I personally have tried to avoid my emotions by escaping LA), shop or take pills because it’s too much to feel.

But you know when you have A REALLY SOUL WRENCHING cry and then suddenly your body feels lighter? Like a whole slew of burdens have lifted off your shoulders? That’s how it felt. And you know when you give that kid a good meal and they’ve slept….and suddenly they can smile again? Yah that’s how this feels.

Today someone asked me if I was okay. I said “no one’s truly just okay, everyone is going on a journey and some are just not aware of how they are feeling”.

I’m not saying everyone is depressed or going through intense emotions, I’m saying somehow in our society it’s not okay to show vulnerability, to be struggling internally, to have deep emotions. 

It’s okay. To not be okay. I like this journey. I am feeling more emotions, I am feeling the pain and the joy. I am choosing to be alert, to be conscious, to feel deeply. 

I met two men last year that I thought were respectable, honorable, honest men. I thought they would be good candidates for a potential life partner. But when I got to know them a little more, or actually even as I was talking to them I noticed there was a wall. The wall of vulnerability.

The wall that says “I’ve been hurt, don’t get near me”. 

I know I’m still breaking down that wall myself and truth be told, those two men reflected my state of being. You meet people who you reflect. Everyone in your life is a mirror to your own state of being. It doesn’t mean that you are exactly like them, but there is a part of you that is reflected in them. 

That’s why they say “wounds attract wounds”, “you are attracted to like minded people”….so they key to being with the right life partner isn’t so much about fixing the other person, but working within your soul to heal the wounds that attract wounded people.

It doesn’t mean you are insufficient, every part of the journey is worthwhile, but if you are going to spend the rest your life with someone…you want someone on the same level of “healed” and “healing”.

If you want someone to treat you a certain way, learning to treat yourself well is everything.

If you want someone to love you a certain way, learning to love yourself well is everything.

We can’t expect other people to take responsibility for our healing, we must actively seek it out. First, we must open our hearts, that is a personal decision. Second, we forgive, and that’s also a personal decision. 

I know there were times I couldn’t listen to other peoples’ problems because it triggered emotions of my own that I was incapable of experiencing.

The only reason I’m sharing this is because I’m walking it. Healing is not easy, but worth it. I hope you will continue walking with me through this journey- Subscribe on the right side of the blog via email (right side of blog on desktop computers and if you are reading via phone subscribe on the bottom of the blog)! 

Also if you are interested in the forgiveness class that I talked about in my last post, please visit https://hope4hollywood.com/register/

What better way to spend Sunday night than to talk about online dating (There is cussing in this post for those conservatives who sometimes read my blog and get offended). 

So given that I have friends that are single and ready to mingle, they often tell me about their dating woes. Well, one has started online dating, well, stopped for the moment. So after watching some Hart of Dixie, and Wade is REALLY hot, I decided…you know what.. time to manifest some real romance. However, after downloading Tinder for the 100th time, because I get sick of it in 5 minutes after swiping left too many times, I had to delete it once more. I have more relationship drama with the app itself.

The truth is I am really loving my life right now, without a man. I really love it. I love watching movies even by myself. I like sitting in a theater with no one to bother me, I love going to get coffee and even eating by myself. I find dates filled with hassle. So I pretty much already have criterion, which starts with beliefs, and ends with honesty.

And I thought, maybe I shouldn’t write about this because I will sound like a whiny bitch or perhaps someone with high standards who like “can’t compromise” and I call bullshit on that because YOU SHOULD HAVE STANDARDS. WE LIVE IN FUCKING LA! For crying out loud. Especially in LA, a girl must have standards. I can’t even begin…

The problem with Tinder is that besides already knowing what they are like….because well, being the artist and philosophically inclined person that I am, you can tell a lot about a person based on just photos. 

  1. “dude he looks like a pedophile, why is he kissing this young girl that way…why is he even posting it? Is that his niece of his ex? I am so confused.”
  2. he looks like he plays video games all day. His face is oily”
  3. “please noooo….another selfie of his abs…..abs without a face is not attractive to woman…it’s like seeing a picture of a mannequin at the mall, without clothes on”
  4. I asked my guy friend this….and they think it’s okay and attracts women…well whatever type of women they are trying to attract, cuz I don’t find a photo of him (whoever the subject is) with other sexy women attractive….like it doesn’t make me think “oh wow, he seems popular with the ladies, well, now, I find him attractive too then”. I ain’t a dumb bitch and I’m not about to claw another woman for a guy like that.
  5. where the fuck is his face? In every photo he is looking away….and as my friend said, they have a wife, they don’t want their identity on there..like cuz his wife’s friend might find him cheating….he dead”.

I got super liked a few times, I’m not going to boast. Oh wait I am boasting. But well, I didn’t find them attractive or likable….yes, even through a photo. So I deleted Tinder. Again.

But you know what, I am where I imagined myself to be. I never ever thought I’d be one of those woman to get married early. That wasn’t really in my dream list. I’ve traveled, I’ve done a lot of things and yes, that was how I imagined my early twenties. I’m not perfect and that’s why I want to continue learning how to love my imperfections.

PS- if you are wondering what to look for in a long term dude- https://rebekkalien.com/2015/04/27/why-you-should-date-for-destiny/