“How are you?”
“Are you okay? Okay, as long as you are okay”
Well I don’t want to be okay. I want to feel, to experience all levels of emotions.
This morning I woke up from a dream where I could feel my whole being weeping. In the dream, I was experiencing every emotion I’ve somehow neglected to feel, that I’ve managed to numb. Because it’s too much sometimes.
But I woke up, I could feel my whole body shaking as I made weeping sounds and my eyes turned puffy in no time. All the pain started lifting off my body as I experienced the pain in my heart. Though it wasn’t necessarily voluntary and sometimes God needs to show me my true emotions in dreams, I was grateful.
You know what it felt like?
Like when a kid is VORACIOUSLY hungry or tired and he/she cries like the world is ending. I bet you’ve seen it.
I wish we could feel that much all the time. But somehow most of us can’t, we cover up our true emotions by staying distracted.
We binge eat, drink, smoke, get addicted to a substance, stay numb by netflixing, gaining weight, or losing weight, focusing on what we don’t have and trying to get it, work….complain, blame, escape (hey, how about travel, I know I personally have tried to avoid my emotions by escaping LA), shop or take pills because it’s too much to feel.
But you know when you have A REALLY SOUL WRENCHING cry and then suddenly your body feels lighter? Like a whole slew of burdens have lifted off your shoulders? That’s how it felt. And you know when you give that kid a good meal and they’ve slept….and suddenly they can smile again? Yah that’s how this feels.
Today someone asked me if I was okay. I said “no one’s truly just okay, everyone is going on a journey and some are just not aware of how they are feeling”.
I’m not saying everyone is depressed or going through intense emotions, I’m saying somehow in our society it’s not okay to show vulnerability, to be struggling internally, to have deep emotions.
It’s okay. To not be okay. I like this journey. I am feeling more emotions, I am feeling the pain and the joy. I am choosing to be alert, to be conscious, to feel deeply.
I met two men last year that I thought were respectable, honorable, honest men. I thought they would be good candidates for a potential life partner. But when I got to know them a little more, or actually even as I was talking to them I noticed there was a wall. The wall of vulnerability.
The wall that says “I’ve been hurt, don’t get near me”.
I know I’m still breaking down that wall myself and truth be told, those two men reflected my state of being. You meet people who you reflect. Everyone in your life is a mirror to your own state of being. It doesn’t mean that you are exactly like them, but there is a part of you that is reflected in them.
That’s why they say “wounds attract wounds”, “you are attracted to like minded people”….so they key to being with the right life partner isn’t so much about fixing the other person, but working within your soul to heal the wounds that attract wounded people.
It doesn’t mean you are insufficient, every part of the journey is worthwhile, but if you are going to spend the rest your life with someone…you want someone on the same level of “healed” and “healing”.
If you want someone to treat you a certain way, learning to treat yourself well is everything.
If you want someone to love you a certain way, learning to love yourself well is everything.
We can’t expect other people to take responsibility for our healing, we must actively seek it out. First, we must open our hearts, that is a personal decision. Second, we forgive, and that’s also a personal decision.
I know there were times I couldn’t listen to other peoples’ problems because it triggered emotions of my own that I was incapable of experiencing.
The only reason I’m sharing this is because I’m walking it. Healing is not easy, but worth it. I hope you will continue walking with me through this journey- Subscribe on the right side of the blog via email (right side of blog on desktop computers and if you are reading via phone subscribe on the bottom of the blog)!
Also if you are interested in the forgiveness class that I talked about in my last post, please visit https://hope4hollywood.com/register/