How To Break Unhealthy Cycle In Relationships

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It takes vulnerability to experience true love. It’s through telling someone how you actually feel and they respond with understanding that you experience unconditional love. Most people don’t share how they feel because they have been judged or rejected for expressing their feelings.

1. Be vulnerable- tell people how you actually feel.

2. Write down the patterns in your relationships

3. Address the patterns with the people and act counter the patterns, setting boundaries and asking for what it is you need and being vulnerable about your triggers and history.

Here’s mine-

A. 🙏 Friendships- in the past I was always just someone’s go to for emotional and spiritual help. I also gave rides to everyone when I had a car. I was exhausted from helping people.

There was usually a disparity between how much I gave and how much I received (not that relationships is about measurement).

I walked in faith, hosting events, etc but didn’t know how to ask for help. In essence I could have but I didn’t think anyone would help me.

It could be as simple as going out with friends and not being able to pay for meals, God has taught me even to ask strangers for help now…It’s still not easy, but in the past I’d pretend I was okay and I’d charge it on my credit card.

Of course God has told me not to worry about debt because He has already taken care of them.

Because He knows what we can handle. It takes steps of faith to speak up. I maxed out a credit card to start self employment and I maxed out credit cards to start my ministry. That was what God told me to do and that was the amount of faith and courage I could handle at the time. But yes it was scary to trust that God would someday pay it off for me.

Then the next step was in my faith walk was to come out and tell people what I was doing in my ministry, basically to start a ministry.

I knew it would come with persecution. But people also supported me.

❤️ In essence, what I told you is the same as opening your heart.

1. There’s hurt, but you don’t know how to speak up about it.

2. You learn to speak up about it but you’re met with criticism or rejection

3. You speak up about it but people love you nevertheless

4. Repeat (and that’s love for you!)

In relationships you have to know how to ask for help and give help.

But if you’ve had unhealthy patterns in your life, it takes time to reverse it. Or to wait for the people who are willing to love you for who you are.

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B. ❤️ Romantic Relationships

Marriage is similar to friendships.

1. Someone has to be humble enough to first express how they are feeling even if that means “look I am in a space of possibly being hurt by you”- basically saying “You have the power to hurt me”. That’s intense.

2. If no one is vulnerable it’s impossible to have a good marriage. But remember it’s a two-way street.

3. One person tries harder and harder to open the other person’s heart but it is a choice whether you want to open your heart, thus that relationship will most likely wither away unless the other party is willing to open up and share how they are feeling.

You deserve a vulnerable love.

You deserve someone who is emotionally available and who is willing to put in the work to be open with you.

It’s a choice whether someone wants to open their heart.

What’s the point of sitting next to someone and not knowing where they are emotionally. Physically present but mentally absent.

For me that was the worst nightmare.

Because I grew up with a mentally, physically and emotionally absent dad and a critical mother so my relationships reflected that.

And guess what- it took those relationships for me to see that it wasn’t what I wanted!

So what is it I want?

1. Friends that reach out and ask me how I am. And I’ll do the same.

2. A life partner that knows to reach out to me, that I don’t have to be the aggressor, which I often am in many areas of my life.

But that means I may have to learn how to be patient and wait for others to reach out to me.

Truth be told I don’t really have any patience.

My heart is more like an EMT, it knows where to go for help. It’s also an immediate safe place for others.

But I have to learn how to set boundaries and allow people to do the hard thing of reaching out or asking for help.

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Prophetic Word- Come Out Of Hiding

I want to hide under a rock but I look over at the turtles, they are standing bold on a rock, exposed. They are not hiding. This time they are not.

I just had a moment of tears.

It’s coming face to face to a grown man who has tears in his eyes.

“I don’t want to feel like a useless person, sitting there getting fat while his kids think he is useless”.

“Do you feel ashamed to go home?”

“Yes”.

“But you know what your kids need is your presence, not necessarily your money”.

It’s speaking right into someone’s heart that you know exactly how that person feels. You are not a robot, you are human too. You know how it feels to feel ashamed, to feel useless, to be accused of. I have been there.

Then earlier in the morning, I met a man on the bus. While talking to my friend on the phone I noticed his book said “enemy”. I knew he was a Christian so I asked him if he was Christian, he said yes. That morning I was at the Laundry Mat with my mom and I heard “go to Pasadena”. I was roaming around but saw a bus going there and heard God say “run”.

This man was from Ethiopia. I prophesied to him that he is enough in Christ Jesus, He is not lacking. He told me how he felt like he lost everything. I said that “God is waiting for you to step out in faith and do one thing at a time He leads you to”. People always think that they are waiting for God but often times God is waiting for you. 

I told him that God has called you travel to the nations. I told him to take off his sunglasses and his hat and stop hiding. He spoke encouraging words to me too. I feel honored and loved by these fathers, their presence. I never got that from my father.

It’s easier to hide, because you’re not seen and you can’t be criticized or rejected but when you come out of hiding you are seen and that means people respect and honor you but they can also hurt you. Right?

And that’s my heart, my pain. God I don’t want people to hurt me anymore as I’ve been too wounded in the last year.

God’s like “open your heart, I’ll protect you”.

Are you sure God?

Yes.

Trust me.

So go and don’t be afraid to share your heart with people. I will bless you and surround you with my angels. Don’t be afraid to go. I’m with you. I’m covering you.

Would you consider partnering with me financially to bring the gospel of grace to those who feel condemned? I’ll be going to Korea tomorrow. I’m a little bit scared but please pray for me. 

https://www.gofundme.com/korea-grace-mission-trip

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Choose God’s Path

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A word on my spirit. Someone out there is choosing the easier and more comfortable route but God is asking you to step out in faith. It’s not an easy word to deliver because no one likes to be uncomfortable but God’s intention is to grow you.

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You Are Enough

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Divorced parents? Check.
Failed businesses and careers? Check.
Been on an island with a few bucks left? Check.
Been rejected and outcasted? Check.
Considered running away and ending my life? Check.
Heartache, betrayal, brokenness? Check.
Debt and poverty? Check.
Feelings of unworthiness and lack? Check.
I’ve been through almost every kind of issues or challenges that life could throw my way. Even though I might only be 31, God has delivered me from issues that I can’t even describe until you get on a call with me. The hardships that I went through made me stronger.
I might not have a million dollars and live in a big house on top of a hill but what the Lord has showed me is that wherever you are, you are enough and not lacking. And your worth is not dependent on what you have or where you are in life, but who you are- a child of God.
So what qualifies me? The grace of God.
The finished work of Jesus on the cross. It’s not because my life is always together, I am not perfect, I am vulnerable, needy, challenged at times, scared at times- but Jesus has finished the work on the cross and because of that, I am enough, I am not lacking, I am whole, complete, without blemish in God’s eyes.
I am not working to be more or enough, I am enough because He finished the work.
I want you to get there, to get to the point where you can continue looking yourself in the eyes and say “I am enough”- no matter how much someone accuses you of being less than, no matter how much your parents pressure you to be more “successful”, no matter how much money is in your wallet, no matter what situation you are in life- you, are, enough. Period.
So why do you even need a coach?
Sometimes life can hit you so hard continuously that you think “I am not enough…because this and that happened to me, because my parents abused me, because my friends betrayed me, because my ex cheated on me, because my ex lied to me, because I grew up poor, because we couldn’t afford anything, because…..”
We think circumstances define us and tell us who we are; but the truth is- your circumstances don’t define you and it does not tell you your worth.
Your worth shouldn’t change based on what circumstances you are in, your worth is immovable. You can be sleeping in your car and the Lord will still reassure you “you are enough”. His presence is just as powerful.
Life hit me enough times for me to say to the Devil “I am enough no matter what you try to throw at me”.
Rejection hit. Ridicule hit me. My own family accused me. My friends betrayed me. Debt hit me. And I thought, I’m not able to fix anything, I’m helpless. That was exactly where God needed me.
He says “my grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness”.
So you think your life has fallen apart?
That’s a good place to be, His grace is sufficient. Think you don’t have what it takes? Perfect, look to the cross, look to His finished work, not your insufficiency or inadequacy.
I realized that I had to be broken down to my knees for me to realize how powerful God’s grace truly is. If I could have accomplished anything on my own, I would’ve said “I did it myself”.
Rebekkalien@gmail.com
Want to chat? Shoot me an email. Coaching sessions are via Facetime, Skype or FB messenger.
I prophesy that the most powerful and successful businesses, ventures are not those that pride in their own strength, but those who boast nothing but in the finished work of the cross.
Give-

 

A Love With Boundaries

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Love has boundaries.

Yes, sometimes you compromise, sometimes you go all the way, but your heart has certain boundaries, it has certain capacities.

I’ve been learning what it means to choose my battles, to listen closely to the spirit. Jesus did not heal everyone, He walked by crowds and only a few were highlighted in the stories. He was intentional.

I had to choose my battle today. There were several needs that needed my attention but I chose the way of peace, the thing that felt right.

I got to pray for a girl on my uber pool today who was struggling with anxiety. I did not expect to meet someone on uber today, but I did. I clicked right away with the driver and we talked about healing. Then after one passenger was dropped off, another came on and she immediately told me about her ongoing struggle with anxiety. I asked if I could pray for her and told her about her identity.

Though there were other people that asked for help today – I had to choose. I could have done everything and exhausted myself, but I chose the way of peace. I chose to do what I wanted to do, what I felt like doing. And this led me to meeting the two girls on my uber ride. 

I chose the way of peace because I knew that the other person that needed my attention didn’t need me, he needed to make amends of his own and restore the relationships that he lost. I could not step in and become that relationship. If I did, even out of compassion or kindness, I would have hurt him in the long run.

He needed to go through the pain to see that his need was great for relationships around him.

I am just a messenger who sometimes goes into peoples’ lives and spots the blind spots for them. But I can’t fill the gaps that people in their lives are suppose to fill. 

For example, I can’t become someones’ sister, mother, wife, girlfriend, friend if what they lack is just that…I can only point them to God or encourage them to restore the broken relationships in their lives. 

I am not meant to be everyone’s confidant or savior.

A love with boundaries. 

What does boundaries look like in your own life? 

There are demons you must dare to face within your soul. No one can face them for you. God can give you the strength and fight the battles for you, but you WILL NEED to feel the pain….the pain is real.

I know the pain is real and I feel them when I’m healing.

I walked through seasons of solitude where I grappled in darkness, asking God why. I had 1 or 2 best friends that talked to me during this time. But I pretty much spent everyday alone. There were demons that needed to be confronted and the only way I could hear God was if I was alone, not distracting myself with being with others, not distracting myself with activity or busy-ness. I needed space and time to hear. 

If someone had took on the responsibility of being there for me when they shouldn’t have, I wouldn’t have focused on the healing within me. 

I needed to be alone and I needed to take responsibility for the pain within me.

There could be no one to blame.

That is why after walking through the season—-I’ve learned not to take on wrongful responsibility for peoples’ healing. 

Let go, God will take care of them. Give them space to heal.

I know it hurts to see people hurting…but you can’t take the pain away from them, they must walk through the process. There is a process for healing. 

“You don’t have to do anything”.

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Recently I have been on a journey of becoming more free.

“You don’t have to do anything”.

I have been hearing this from God. I had an epiphany. If what I do isn’t purely from desire, then what is it? Guilt? Obligation? Tradition?

And I know people will probably oppose and say there needs to be compromise in love. I don’t know anything about marriage, I’m just talking about my relationship with God. 

It really intrigues me that people often think that if you don’t go to church, you have a disconnected relationship with God. I have learned better than to argue. Even though it still bothers me, I will state my case and move on. It’s weird how I have met tons of people that religiously attend church but never have one conversation with God. But they think they are somehow better off than those heathens who have taken a hiatus from a building that is deemed clean and holy. 

“You don’t have to do anything”. 

Love is only possible if there is freedom to choose. 

“You don’t have to do anything because you are already loved and accepted by me, as you are now. You are perfect in my eyes”. 

And then it struck me, I am free. I am free. I am free. I am free to do and be who I am. 

A lot of people who grow up in authoritarian cultures, religions and institutions are taught to ask for advice, to seek counsel, to never TRUST yourself.

Wayne Dyer said ” I’ve often said, ‘When you trust in yourself, you are trusting in the wisdom that created you.’

If we are propelled forward by total acceptance and love, then we no longer live in fear. We are no longer afraid of making mistakes. We will no longer fear that we will be rejected by peers or co-workers, or friends. We will try without fearing failure. 

I suppose it could relate to relationships and friendships too.

Would you want a friend to tell you “oh I didn’t really feel like calling you, but I did. I have so much to do and I’m so busy so I’m really taking time out to listen to you”.

It’s like “no thanks”. I would rather someone do things out of desire. 

Love as desire, Love is desire.

Sometimes you might feel hesitant to hang out with certain people, perhaps because they have changed or you have…it might be because you no longer enjoy their company and its okay to say no lovingly. I’ve realized that your friends are basically mirrors of who you are in any current season in life. So whoever you hang out more with in that season has a reflection of what your needs and wants are….and those priorities may change. Those friends may also reflect the wounds you are currently healing. In a way they might be healing from the same things. 

That’s why in some seasons you are closer to some than others. Every person has a purpose in your life, in this healing journey called life and love. 

Sometimes I have events that come up and I have to ask myself “do I really feel like attending and being AROUND people right now?” 

I’ll hear myself and my heart say “no”. And that’s basically how I have learned to listen to my heart. And sometimes it’ll say yes. And sometimes I don’t know how I feel and maybe I’ll try it because I’m a free woman…and then maybe I’ll want to go home and watch netflix and that’s cool too. 

But this is part of learning to live the life you want, the life you love. 

It’s living in love, desire and not obligation…because the more you follow our bliss, the more alive you will feel, the better you will feel.

When you feel good, you are in love with yourself. And that’s a good thing. When you are in love, lovely things are attracted to you and loving things come to you. 

Instead of obligation- desire, excitement, bliss.

Instead of fear- love, freedom, light.

Rules of Engagement

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Pic from google

Hello. I don’t have a blog schedule, I just write when I feel like it.

I realize that most of us don’t grow up being taught how to make friends or what is normal, healthy in a relationship. I’ve learned some things over the years that have helped me to have healthy boundaries. First, I read the book Boundaries by John Townsend. That changed my dynamic with my mom because I realized that I could say no to my mom. Also I grew up going to a baptist church where they taught you that loving people meant listening to them, or serving them. What a recipe for a fucking place mat, or door mat. I meant.

I don’t think Jesus listened to everyone when he was walking this earth, I think he wouldn’t have accomplished everything he needed to do.

Here’s a few things I came up with : 

  1. Close friends are your inner circle that you share your problems with, confide in, pray with. It’s a mutual relationship where you better each other.
  2. There are different types of close friends, some friends you talk to more often than others. Some you talk to about certain problems.
  3. It is okay to separate from friends that are going different directions. I have broken up with a few friends that due to beliefs and differences, it was healthier for both parties to basically stop talking or fade off. You don’t necessarily have to “break up”, you can just distance yourself.
  4. As a wise sage, many people have requested to “hang out with me”. Hey WE HAVEN’T talked forever, we should hang out! 

I found out the hard way that it meant I was their therapist and they would dump a shit load of problems into my ears and psyche and mess with the positive flow I was in. 

Which is why I have started asking people “what do you want?”.

Here’s a way to filter out people:

  1. What are you hitting on me?
  2. What’s up?
  3. What’s going on?
  4. What’s wrong?
  5. What’s right?

Which sounds kind of awful, but it has helped me clarify so that I am not getting fooled.

You might be thinking, “well maybe you are the answer to their problems!” Well, most people who use manipulative ways to “spend time with you” actually won’t listen to any of your advice. They will continue to brood, complain to anyone who will listen. 

5. The key is to say no. Say no when your heart says no.

6. If you ARE on the other end, you see someone that is maybe wise, as an acquaintance, approach them by asking “hey, can I get some advice from you?” Come out right in the beginning and say what it is that you want. “Hey I need help, I’m in a pit right now and was wondering if you had any advice for me”. Don’t manipulate others by pretending you are wanting to be their “friend”. Friends are people who actually want to contribute to another person, not just TAKE from them.

7. What does that mean? Your circle will decrease in size. As you get older, you will learn to discern who has your best interest in mind. You will maybe have a best friend, and a few close friends….

8. What is a true friend? Someone who you can be yourself with. Not just a therapist all the time.

9. If you do want to do something, do it. 

If you don’t, don’t. There is nothing worse than a obligated life. 

 

What Would You Do If TODAY WAS YOUR LAST DAY LIVING?

Yesterday I had this huge huge awakening. Something in my mind clicked after watching my Korean drama. I was so wooed by the romance in the drama that I thought to myself, why am I wooed by a drama, and not by life? Why am I not living out how I want to live?

Then I started journaling. I wrote an entry on why I am awesome (you should do that as well, it made me cry).

An excerpt of what I wrote: “I am awesome because I am extremely intelligent. I am beautiful, smart and wise. I am hardworking, creative and unique. I have a mind of my own and a heart of gold because I care for the poor and the oppressed. I’m funny, joyful and optimistic. I don’t let hardships get to me, even when they come, I persevere”.

WHY ARE YOU AWESOME? Write it down and you’ll be surprised how happy you’ll be.

Then I wrote WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF TODAY WAS YOUR LAST DAY LIVING?:

1. Apologize to anyone I ever hurt

2. Forgive everyone who’s hurt me

3. Smile more, laugh more

4. Take things lightly

5. Talk to family, appreciate them

6. Appreciate my friends and bf

7. Go outside more, watch the sunrise, go to the beach, enjoy nature

8. Say what’s on my heart and be thankful because this day IS A GIFT.

Most of us live life like it’s going to last forever. In fact, I do believe our souls live for eternity. However, our lifetime on earth is short. Recently, I realized how much had taken life for granted. I was complaining, discontent, mad that I had to go through so much longsuffering to become a successful artist. I was mad that I had taken such a unconvenient path, not knowing exactly where my money was coming from, living an unstable life…comparing myself mostly, and not ACCEPTING MY GIFT AND DESTINY.

Then I went for a walk. I became thankful for nature, for the silverlake reservoir, for all my friends and family that have been through EVERYTHING with me. I had so many breakdowns, I can’t remember how many times my friends have comforted me. I remember how money showed up in weird places, how my boyfriend took care of me when I was sick, how my mom cooked for me when I was broke, and the list goes on.

I’m truly thankful and I want to live each day like it’s my last, without grudges, being thankful ALWAYS.

What would YOU DO if TODAY was your last day living? (comment below)

Would you dance like no one is watching? Karaoke at the top of your lungs cuz you don’t give a shi#!?

Finding Home In LA- What Family Looks Like To Me

“For 20 years, she worked at her job, bored”- she said. “But for some people stability is what they want”. She, is Maiko, a stranger I met at Starbucks. She had these harem pants that I loved and commented on back in January. The strangers I meet all over the world, never cease to amaze me. Perhaps these strangers become strangely acquainted, then they become friends, with the same vision to pursue a life worth living. The universe never fails to bump people together.

In a few days, my friend will be flying to Hawaii by herself, in July she’ll be going to London to pursue her dreams of perhaps becoming a designer, a hair stylist…the journey can lead her anywhere. We sat, sipping our green tea.

I said “don’t ever give up, don’t ever settle. Also remember I’m here if you go through hard times and need a friend, call me.” Those who choose their own path- need people like them to keep them going. I know how easy it is to give up. I could have already given up and chose to work at a corporate office and live off my biweekly paycheck instead of recycling bottles and eating tofu for dinner. 

But I ain’t giving up now, knowing that there are others going before me. This weekend a shift will happen in our house. For once, I am the one staying. Friends will be stopping by from Oregon, some will go to San Francisco and Hawaii, others will come to LA. For once, I’m finally growing up and willing to settle, to find community and to be taken care of.

What does settling look like for me? Being okay with having a home. In LA. I’ll always travel, but LA will always be home for me. I’m okay with staying and having long term relationships here, to be part of a family. For once, I get what family is. They’re there for you even when you can only offer ramen noodles. 

Thanks to Clare, Shaina, Jane, Jessica in Boston, Alex who is about to go to SF, Andrew my love,  Kuku, Lauren, Heather, Maiko who is leaving, Sarah/Ben, Janna, Lois/Kurt, Jaymie, Jeanne…for showing me what family looks like. Of course, MANY MANY more friends that have shown me you’ll ALWAYS be there.

We may be worlds apart, but we’ll always be family. Join me as I go to Ecuador to see my sponsored kid! 

During my BDAY!

This is probably most reflective of my friends and I- we are nuts, we are insanely passionate peope.

Why You Should Become Friends With Strangers

Yes, the saying goes “don’t talk to strangers”, but you’ll probably never make friends in LA.

Lately I’ve been thinking, wow, I’m kind of bored. I mean I have great friends, but many of them have moved, and well, I don’t feel intellectually stimulated. Life is getting too mundane or something. I’m working on my business, freelancing, but there’s nothing too out of the norm (in my opinion of course, because most people would say my life is not mundane, it’s too eccentric). Because I’m literally broke due to investing in my business, and can’t really go out all that much…I’ve been inspired to “think outside the box”.

Ways in Which I have made friends:

1. Tumblr.com– yes, I have met someone in Australia and became friends with through tumblr.

2. Yelp.com– I’ve shout out for clubs in Boston and made a friend who was a promoter, and got to get VIP status when I got there. Had the most fun at a gay club.

3. Modelmayhem– collaborating on shoots, became friends.

4. On the street– yes, I talk to strangers on the street

5. Clubs– I like to dance with strangers as well, especially if they’re good dancers. I have met really cool and interesting people at clubs (not creepers).

6. On airplanes, buses, public transportation– when I sit next to anyone, they become my friend

7. Cafes and Starbucks– wear something interesting and people will compliment on it- or vice versa, compliment other people and you might just become friends. However, I find that some people are so antisocial, they’ll say “thanks” and end the convo by walking away.

 “You totally just missed your chance to be friends with someone SO unique and SO cool, too bad for you”- I think.

8. Hostels– great place to meet travelers, however, since I live in LA, no more of that 😦 BUT not to worry, me be planning another trip very soon!

9. Parties– this I find tricky because at parties, I feel like I can never sit down to talk in depth- and in LA for some reason, people never follow up.

10. COPY shops- yes, copy shop not coffee shop. Best ever.

11. At the bank- yes became friends with the banker 🙂

12. Email- find someones’ blog appealing? Email them and say “I want to be friends cuz you’re so awesome”.

The key is – the other person has to have the desire to be your friend.

Friendship is a two way street. You can never force friendship. This leads to my inspired 2012 MEETING WEIRD AND AWESOME PEOPLE year. I need to meet more interesting, weird, nonconventional people. So the answer to “why you should become friends with strangers”- what is life about? That’s the answer.

Feel free to email me and connect- rebekkalien@gmail.com I’m always up to meet people.