Jesus Was Not A People Pleaser

Today I had a huge revelation.

I don’t realize this but at times I feel pressured to be something I’m not because some people use financial contribution to manipulate or force me to be something I’m not.

In the beginning of ministry, when I was in Bali- a Christian wrote me and asked me several questions. How much do you spend per month, how do you know it is God speaking to you, etc. He said by knowing these things he would be more knowledgeable about how he and his wife could support me.

At first I replied thinking, wow- this guy and his wife wants to support me and contribute to what I’m doing.

But then after he said that God told him to observe what I’m doing.

I doubt that God told him to micro manage me. When God says to people – watch and learn, He is not saying “micromanage her and find out the how’s”…He is saying “watch how she steps out in faith without knowing how”.

That is how I’ve lived in the last year and even before that.

After quitting my job in 2011 I never really knew how God would provide exactly since I was freelancing and even picking up bottles to recycle…

But I heard His voice and His voice would lead me continually into the unknown.

So when God tells you to give to my ministry, He wants you to be connected to a faith that continues to step out without knowing how.

I have many people trying to micromanage me or hoping that they know everything about anything, but the truth is – I don’t even know where I’m staying tomorrow but God just says go.

That’s how I live now.

I don’t have my ducks in a row, I just get on the bus.

Sometimes I don’t know how the charge went through on my debit card but days like this, because of the weekend, I’m amazed that a lot of pending charges haven’t gone through and I can use it freely.

I live in a dimension of life that most don’t understand.

Why would a Buddhist/atheist at a bus stop donate $100 after telling him my testimony? I don’t know. God moved His heart. He said he donates to homeless people and I asked if he would donate to me. He said yes of course, a woman on her own, it’s incredible he said.

Why would a cashier just tell me he never met his dad? To a customer like me? So that I could give him my contact info and most likely meet with him after…I told him that I didn’t see my dad for 10 years and that I understood.

People think by understanding everything I’m doing that I’ve qualified under their list of qualifications to receive their financial support, but I don’t need it.

Not if I’m going to be scrutinized and manipulated.

God’s provision and blessing does not need human qualifications. I’m qualified by Jesus’ blood alone and I don’t need to bend and break for peoples’ approval- Christians or non-Christians.

If I’m outcasted by the majority of Christians I’m okay with that. I’m approved if by God, not man.

Why would God use a young woman like me? Jesus’ blood qualified me, not my education or ordained position at a church. Not my title as a pastor or prophet, not my smarts or eloquent words…I’m qualified by Jesus’ sacrifice!

Nothing else. Not by how much I read the Bible or how much I pray, not by church attendance or how much I love people.

And what continues to gain my access and provision is my choice to believe it’s by His finished work and not by my works!

If you give you give because Jesus gave it to you, not because you feel obligated to. You’re free to do whatever you want!

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Chinese man at the Airbnb I stayed at

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Fearless Coaching

God said “it’s time to relaunch your coaching business”.

Are you in need of inner healing? Do you feel stuck? Do you feel like there is cloud over your head. 
Get set free. 

I will help you maneuver through the confusions of life and give you spiritual and emotional insight into what is actually happening.

+overcome fear
+move through debilitating transitions 
+make changes in your life 
+overcome romantic traumas and move forward into healthy relationships 
+get freed from living for others’ approval

+ have feelings of shame? Insecurities that prevent you from going for what you want?

God wants you to live in freedom!!! The good news is I have been through all kinds of oppression and have overcome what I’ve talked about. Regret, fear, shame, guilt? Been there. Failed relationships and friendships? Been there. Divorced parents? Been there.

Never ending feeling of I’m not enough? Been there?

God has stabilized my identity in Him so much that I’ve gotten to the point in life that I know I am enough no matter the circumstances.

I’ve arrived. Not in my circumstances, but in my identity.

I want you to have the same confidence. I want you to live without fear.

I am a Los Angeles based coach who is currently in New Zealand (or some other country). Coaching sessions are conducted via video calls.

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You Are Not Your Talent- A Message to Creatives

If you have trouble watching the video click here

I thought my dream was to travel the world,

I thought my dream was to set people free,

I thought my dream was to be on TV or to be famous or to own a big house and to drive nice cars,

I thought my dream was to help others achieve their dreams and goals….

and I realized, my dream is to be loved by God and I have already achieved that. 

My true dream is to walk with God everyday of my life…and nothing else truly matters. I get to live out His heart for people. 

Nothing has changed in my circumstances. Right now I sleep on a sofa bed I have to pull out everyday, I’m not on prime time television, I don’t have a big contract with any big companies, I’m not making bank and I don’t have a car even!!!! But I feel MORE ALIVE AND FREE than I have EVER felt in my whole life because GOD. ALL I NEED IS GOD!

A message for creatives
You are not your talent. 
I feel so strongly that many artists have felt a spirit of rejection on them and that they’ve felt like they are failure because they haven’t made it.
I have a message that will set you free.
This is my reflection after watching “Loving Vincent”.
Watch this video and feel free to share. 

After I made this video I felt like I had come back from another planet and I have been spiritually high ever since that video. I feel like GOD calibrated and breathed into my heart in a new way.

Too Unique

Yesterday a man asked me how many people read my blog and how it’s not enough to get ad revenue, etc.

I said “I’m not doing it for the money”.

I’ve been writing since I was a little kid so to me writing is like defecating, I need to defecate what I’ve inputted into my system and writing is like defecating my wisdom…if I don’t do it I get clogged or constipated. 

Plus, if you are doing something you don’t want to just for money than you really are selling your soul and not really doing it for the love of it. And also you’re not being authentic. If you are changing what you write about just so more people can read it, just for more likes or follows, then again you’re being inauthentic.

Basically don’t do what you don’t want to in life. 

I woke up last night and suddenly thought about that one time I really wanted to work in Venice. I had to design a bag and create a photoshop/illustrator template of it from plain image.

This is what I came up with. My own print design.

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That was my style back then.

Well, I really wanted to work with cool folks in Venice at a company that designed cosmetic bags, but I didn’t get the job.

I was disappointed and cried. I guess I saw myself riding a bike in Venice and eating hipster food. It seemed like a cool place to be.

When I talked to the woman who referred me she said “you should have consulted with me so that I could tell you to tone down your style and not be so unique“. The woman who worked in the company basically said “I was too unique”. The style is too bold. 

I thought about it, well I wouldn’t change one thing about it. Just to get a job? Change who I am? No.

And now I think about it, I’m glad I didn’t get the job because I don’t think I could have lived in Venice because I would have missed my Chinese food too much and the commute back to Asian Valley is too far and too traffic filled.

But that just wasn’t where God intended for me to be. Which leads me to a unique question- can you follow your heart and God’s will at the same time? The man at Dunkin Donuts asked me that yesterday, or actually he presumed you could not and that I don’t write like someone who believes in God.

I pondered upon this question.

Yes, I do believe every desire originates from the heart of who God is. However, like a little toddler, she may want to drive a car but is not ready for it. You can’t run if you don’t walk yet and that is why I believe sometimes we don’t get what we want at the time, but eventually it will come to pass.

All desires are innately from God.

Even though I may be too unique for some people, I realize that being myself fuels my soul and being. In the past when I tried to compromise who I was, I felt miserable. When I forced myself to do things I didn’t want to, I felt like shit. 

And people who are too unique and stay too unique will get rejected repeatedly. It’s the story of my 29 years. It may take us longer to make “societal progress” but in the end, when we do thrive, we thrive by being who we are, not who we pretend to be.

I hope you are too unique for some people or some companies. That means you are being authentic. Don’t ever compromise yourself to become bland and boring for the sake of the herd. 

PS- during that time in college, I ended up designing halloween costumes and it was perfect because all I had to do was illustrate them at home and bring them to the company. I got to do what I was good at. The perfect opportunities are out there for you when you stop compromising and stop doing what you hate. 

Here and Now, The Life of Non-Resistance

-You have everything you need to be the person you need to be now-

If love is not fear, has no part in it, and vice versa, then it makes sense that when we try to control the outcome, the process of life, loved ones or even what we desire, we will not attain it or have true peace (even if we attain it to our liking).

Why? Because control comes from a fear that if you did not have it or attained it, whether it is a person, thing or goal, you wouldn’t be whole.

So then, what is true happiness?

Contentment, becoming, being. 

In knowing your position as a daughter or the son of God, we are whole in all. Royalty.

So that our acquiring, achieving, creativity only comes from a pure place of knowing who we are as royalty, and not from a place of needing the world’s approval. 

That is why people are often disappointed because they are waiting for proof of their royalty when in actuality a queen or king has no need of proof, they are, within, knowing who they are.

I wrote this in my notebook a few nights ago.

The more I release the ego- the desire to fight the flow of life, the more I am reaching deep spiritual breakthroughs, and often in my dreams. Yesterday I dreamed that I was driving a large truck and it was broken so that each time you tried to brake, it would halt only a little. The end of the truck kept hitting things.

Finally, I folded the truck (in the dream it was foldable) into the size of a piece of paper and laid it on the chair along with the keys. I gave it to the strangers around me.

The driving experience was the same as the one I had when I was in Bali. I got into a moped accident when in my excitement to discover the island like the author of Eat, Pray, Love, forgotten that Bali was a crazy island with lots of cars and mopeds.

A few times in my inexperienced state and fear, I pulled on the gas instead of the brake, one time going right in front of oncoming car, missing it by a bit. I ended up in an accident with the moped crushing my feet. I sat in my hotel room for 5 days, then another week recovering at another hostel. There was a clinic right across, it felt like a huge loss both to my wallet and to my ego. I was not able to experience Bali the way I wanted to and my feet was bloody with deep wounds.

My feet and legs are still sore 9 months after. That was December 2015.

I remember my friend said “God is guiding you, teaching you which steps to hop into like hopscotch”. 

The truth is sometimes I get ahead of God. I supposedly didn’t really crawl when I was baby, I just kept attempting to walk and I fell often. Later on as a kid, I fell a lot because I guess my legs weren’t properly prepped. I’m learning to rest.

I have always been different, in school, in the world. 

Instead of accepting the gift of being a breed of my own, I often tried to “catch up”. A lot of people my age are married, have kids, have a normal career, but I don’t have the status quo life. I often live in solitude and prefer writing. I don’t go out to party as much as I used to. I don’t have a lot of close friends, but I love the ones I do have.

In fact, I have learned to love my need for solitude and my time to be with God completely. It is strange I know, because I don’t really care to be popular or to hang out with people I don’t have any interest in. I’m not on any dating sites now, and I prefer not to date. I know in due time when the universe is ready, I will be aligned for my life partner.

So now I’m learning what it means to live a non-resistant life.

That means I don’t do things that cause havoc to my spirit, I listen to my spirit…if something seems too complicated and trying (such as planning things like meeting with a friend), I refuse it. So naturally I respond better to things that are spontaneous as I do not have to plan.

I don’t do things to further my career or status in life, because I believe I am always at the right place at the right time and I am in “further”, I am now, here, so there’s no means to an end, I am the end. God is the end and I am one with God. There is less striving, more being. 

The Lord is my Shepherd. I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me besides quiet waters, He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley. I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever- Psalm 23

Accept that you are enough, here and now for the journey you are on.

The Myth of Not Being Enough

You are enough, for God. But usually not for humans. If you were purely living in grace, you are enough. Now, when you’re a kid, you get to play, and you’re allowed to be goofy. As you grow up, you gradually notice that you are rewarded for “being good” to your parents. You know, being obedient. Then, you are applauded for accomplishing things like getting A’s, being president of some volunteer organization or club at school, writing a good essay for your college, getting into a good college, dating the right kind of person that your friends approve of, looking nice, losing weight, the list seems to go on.

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That’s me just playing, because I wanted to, because I was curious, because I was interested, not because I was being forced to.

As you get older, you are applauded for getting the right kind of job with the right salary, you are congratulated for having a kid, getting married, maybe staying at a few luxury resorts….you get applauded for trying, but not really for failing. Or for living at home with your parents when you are 30…definitely not applauded for still being single and doing odd jobs and freelancing….you definitely are not applauded for “being” because “being” seems lazy, seems well, lazy times two.

Your whole life after 3 years old, or whatever age you stopped playing because your parents wanted you to “succeed”, is a whole list of doing, trying, accomplishing, checking off lists. It’s a tiring rat race.

After I became self-employed, I had to release the idea of trying. I hustled really hard. And even that wasn’t freedom, it was slavery to the whole system of striving. When I finally gave into what I call grace, allowing God to open the right doors, I still struggle with it at times…but now I’m more sensitive to it.

The spirit of striving is like this spirit that sits on your shoulder and tells you “YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH = DO MORE!” 

Do you ever notice that when you want attention and love from people, you rarely get it? You seem desperate and people can smell it? But when you’re content and filled with love, people love to bother you. It’s because that is BEING. The God void in your heart isn’t supposed to come from people, they can’t fill your every need. It’s supposed to come from within, a divine Godly love.

And when you are filled with DIVINE LOVE, people are attracted to real unconditional, spirit filled love. A desperate need for love comes from fear, fear of not being enough. Fear that you need peoples’ approval. 

Yesterday my mom was like “if only you had studied something else”. I’m like, “you want a happy daughter or a miserable one?” And Helen Fisher had really helped me discover my personality, I got 97% explorer, which just means I don’t like being controlled and I love excitement and variety…….paired with builder is a no no because they tend to be too structured and have a need for stability. Which makes a lot of sense because in my past relationships the guy didn’t even have a passport. And here I am literally itching to go to 100 more countries.

SO rest into what I call divine grace.

And if you don’t understand what that means, ask. And you shall receive the answer as I am slowly learning. It’s a lifestyle, it’s a divine now.

You are enough. Stop doing and start soaking in the love that fills you to the overflow. 

“And if by grace, then it cannot be based on works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace.”- Romans 11:6

Forgotten Dreams

Lately I’ve been having dreams that have caused me to cry in my sleep. This afternoon I have a dream where I’m teaching my beautiful students how to sew. My mom steps in and tells me she is not going to pay me for my time, I’m outraged and leave.

Now this actually happened.

In my career in fashion, I often felt underpaid and overworked. I felt no value. I left the industry because of it, I needed to find my worth first.

In the dream I start watching a scary movie but one of my students is still there, she cries. I hug both of them and start crying, I say it’s going to be okay. I am sorry, I won’t do it again.

There is so much fear, competition and intimidation in industries and I am reminded that we must live out our power and faith by remembering we were put on this earth to create freely, not to step on each other, but to empower and create in support and love.

I want to bring back the power of nurture and freedom in industries that have been taken over by the power of fear.

Come on.

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