A breakthrough is a transformation in the mind. And in many ways I had reached breakthrough in my thinking when I sat there listening to TD Jakes talk about how his car broke down and how he was hopping over fences to teach about faith to 7 people. Now he preaches to millions. How he could barely keep the gas or electricity on, how his car got repossessed. 

I cried. 

I’ve been there, this year in many ways was my transformative year. 

In my almost 5 years of being self employed, I often found myself tired of hustling, tired of being self sufficient, tired of chasing clients; tired of striving. I realized that I was still fearing this- 

That there wouldn’t be enough for me, that God wanted me to suffer. 

I realize when everything came crashing down that all God cared about was my heart. 

I took several months of non-striving to take care of a heart that needed to heal. After a breakup, I set myself into work mode and everything seemed okay on the outside. Everyone thought I was the positive person on the outside, but I was broken on the inside.

I kept trying to cram a square shape into a heart mold. I said if only my career and finance is stable and successful enough, then I’ll take care of my heart.

It never works that way. Everything always grows from the inside out. Beliefs. About yourself and the world. Beliefs of your worth. 

I’ve finally gotten to a point in my life that I can say nothing can determine my worth but the everlasting stable love of God for me, unchanging, never dependent on what I do or don’t do. 

I’ve been stranded on an island with no money and Miracles have happened. I’ve given up careers to follow my dream and had disappointment in my heart for years, I’ve tried hard to make things work but it’s when I simply rested in the love of God that I realized, 

I’ve arrived. I’m enough. 

I can rest now, in my heart. And if I died today; I’m seated at the right hand of God. 

No need to prove myself; to achieve; to strive. I’m here now. 

And that’s how God wants me to position myself as he flourishes me; from the inside out, stable; unmovable; sturdy; strong, like a tree that never dies, always flourishing and prospering.  

Sometimes you need to let everything fall to pieces so you can get rid of what didn’t serve you and start new. 

You ask- what if? What’s the worse that can happen? Beauty out of ashes? Phoenix rising from the dust? 

    
  Have you liked my facebook page? 

I’ve kind of settled down a little and am processing a lot of emotions. I’m in taiwan but eventually will go back to LA. I met probably a hundred people or more on the road and heard stories that made my heart sick, sad, angry. 

I saw things that made me cringe and of course things that made my heart soar with delight. 

I’m still processing how I feel. 

I’m sensitive, I find myself wanting to cry, my body hurts from Southeast Asia heat, my heart groans from the aftermath of seeing poverty, greed, lack, grief….seeing darkness and everything in between in the eyes of human beings around the world, made my heart feel unbearable. 

Can I survive this? 

I’ve been harassed on the streets, grabbed at, yelled at, I’ve seen love too, from fellow human beings. 

I am focusing on myself this month. I need to feed my soul. 

Here’s some Taiwanese food-    
    
 

My holiday season has been fighting bed bugs at a hostel in Bali. It’s a lot more calm I suppose than the norm of fighting shoppers at malls. I’m not obligated to buy presents for Christmas since I’m all the way across the world, but I’m also enjoying the freedom. 

I haven’t had a SIM card for 3 months and I haven’t missed a thing. Facebook is enough with wifi. 

I’ve learned to let go of things that I really badly wanted to control but couldn’t. 

You’d be surprised that I’m a writer but I haven’t had a laptop for one year. 

In addition I don’t have a money cushion, but I have a Faithful Father God who is provider, protector and comforter especially with these bed bugs that have been hassling me. 

I’ve been asking God who do you want to be for me today? It has made all the difference. You are loved. 

By the way watch me on Married By Mom and Dad on Sunday pacific time 9:30pm on TLC!    

Give your heart space to feel 

To heal 

As a wound on your body takes time to heal, let your heart be a present physical representation of your spirit, it is deserving of love and space. 

What does God want to be for you? 

Protector, provider, healer? 

I am that I am.

150, no 50, you buy so I have good luck – she said. 

I said you have good luck already. She said no I don’t have good luck. 

Then I went to another stall and many men and women started throwing themselves at me. Desperation for sales, for profit, to make a living. 

I could feel bad and get something just to throw off the pushy salespeople. 

Or I can say no to this energy of lack.

This energy of blame. 

This energy of I don’t have luck so you must buy something to incure good luck. 

I see it everywhere, energies of striving, of pushing and pulling, of feeling like time is running out..of blaming, of self righteousness…of blaming donald trump for their own personal issues. 

Being requires no one to blame. 

Being needs no defense. Being doesn’t need to defend. It is. I am. 

When your drink takes 20 minutes to make. 

When there are twenty people working, but none are. 

When you get woken up by chanting broadcasted by some stupid old fart who doesn’t understand music. I don’t care what religion you are but you shouldn’t blast that shit at 4 in the morning especially if you’re not a real professional singer. Seriously no offense. 

I really don’t know how people can live here. Slash Jakarta Indonesia. 

Yes there are a lot of good positives like cheap movies ($4 U.S. Dollars) and great arcade games, and good malls. But the broadcasted chanting is deafening. 

Doing things I used to do as a 14 year old.  

I grew up in a Christian home, but didn’t exactly understand grace until later in life. 

Grace is undeserved. 

That means Jesus died so I can have complete forgiveness and in God’s eyes I’m perfect. I know it doesn’t make sense but that’s the true gospel. 

That means no amount of volunteer work, being nice and kissing ass can help my status in the books. I’m whole and accepted and loved. 

That also means if my heart feels depraved and I’ve been depressed and if I fuck up, I’m still perfect in God’s eyes because it’s no longer about works, it’s faith. He has taken the punishment for me. It’s done. It was done once I accepted in faith. 

But recently I decided to not be Christian anymore because it’s just a label and to be honest, “christian” comes with so many bad connotations. It’s just a fucked up word. I have faith in Jesus. That’s all.

I have a spiritual life and I’m a spiritual being having a physical experience. 

You see I was hurt by the mentors that told me I’d live a life of destruction because I chose to leave the church, or people who tried to control me, tried to make me the conventional Christian. 

They’d gawk when they saw me dance. Damn this girl is sensual. 

God made me sensual. I’m a sensual, sexy mother fucker, deal with it. 

And God loved me to death and rose again.

I love that nothing I can do will change my position in his heart, beloved he calls me everyday. 

I shine brighter each day as I feel the unconditional love…

And if anyone says you need to change before you encounter God, think again. That’s works. No amount of works can get you to heaven on earth. Just believe and see your life transform.  

Oh and on another note. 

I love this. 

People tell us not to burn bridges with anyone so people continue to be friends with their exes, bosses they hated, and so forth. They tell us not to burn bridges because of fear. What if they need them in the future? It comes from a place of lack and poverty. Any conscious person knows that the kingdom is within, not outside, that everything, every miracle is a ball of light waiting to be enacted. 

The bridge is so heavy people have chains around their necks to the past. It’s a heavy burden that disables them from walking forward. In fact they can’t so they stand on the bridge, in between actualixation and regret. 

I was once there. 

5 years of toil and hustle. I was there, fighting off fear, lack, expectations, voices. So many voices from people, family, Devils. 

Voices telling me who to be, what to do, what to say, what not to say, what to write, what not to write, how I should strive and advance in my career, how this or that will lead to happiness. 

But one voice stayed steady- trust me, I am with you. The voice of God. A steadier voice than the rest, a peace within.

When I finally burned my bridges, I found that it wasn’t even worth looking back. 

The land in front of me was lush, full of fruit. The land in back of me was old, ruins of bitterness, false selves. 

Finally I was free to be me. 

And so today I envisioned my life again. Dreams I once had. My partner and I will buy a house by the beach, the waves will wash away our fears, we’d hold hands and dance in the drum circle, singing and playing music. I would be good at surfing by then, I’d surf the seas as a mermaid. We would make love to the ocean. 

Then I’ll build houses, lots of them for the homeless, we’d teach all over the world and I’d write books of love as service to the world. We’d laugh until the day we die to be with God. 

And so it is. 

To me this was an imagery of death and life. Life into a new beginning.