My holiday season has been fighting bed bugs at a hostel in Bali. It’s a lot more calm I suppose than the norm of fighting shoppers at malls. I’m not obligated to buy presents for Christmas since I’m all the way across the world, but I’m also enjoying the freedom. 

I haven’t had a SIM card for 3 months and I haven’t missed a thing. Facebook is enough with wifi. 

I’ve learned to let go of things that I really badly wanted to control but couldn’t. 

You’d be surprised that I’m a writer but I haven’t had a laptop for one year. 

In addition I don’t have a money cushion, but I have a Faithful Father God who is provider, protector and comforter especially with these bed bugs that have been hassling me. 

I’ve been asking God who do you want to be for me today? It has made all the difference. You are loved. 

By the way watch me on Married By Mom and Dad on Sunday pacific time 9:30pm on TLC!    

Give your heart space to feel 

To heal 

As a wound on your body takes time to heal, let your heart be a present physical representation of your spirit, it is deserving of love and space. 

What does God want to be for you? 

Protector, provider, healer? 

I am that I am.

150, no 50, you buy so I have good luck – she said. 

I said you have good luck already. She said no I don’t have good luck. 

Then I went to another stall and many men and women started throwing themselves at me. Desperation for sales, for profit, to make a living. 

I could feel bad and get something just to throw off the pushy salespeople. 

Or I can say no to this energy of lack.

This energy of blame. 

This energy of I don’t have luck so you must buy something to incure good luck. 

I see it everywhere, energies of striving, of pushing and pulling, of feeling like time is running out..of blaming, of self righteousness…of blaming donald trump for their own personal issues. 

Being requires no one to blame. 

Being needs no defense. Being doesn’t need to defend. It is. I am. 

When your drink takes 20 minutes to make. 

When there are twenty people working, but none are. 

When you get woken up by chanting broadcasted by some stupid old fart who doesn’t understand music. I don’t care what religion you are but you shouldn’t blast that shit at 4 in the morning especially if you’re not a real professional singer. Seriously no offense. 

I really don’t know how people can live here. Slash Jakarta Indonesia. 

Yes there are a lot of good positives like cheap movies ($4 U.S. Dollars) and great arcade games, and good malls. But the broadcasted chanting is deafening. 

Doing things I used to do as a 14 year old.  

I grew up in a Christian home, but didn’t exactly understand grace until later in life. 

Grace is undeserved. 

That means Jesus died so I can have complete forgiveness and in God’s eyes I’m perfect. I know it doesn’t make sense but that’s the true gospel. 

That means no amount of volunteer work, being nice and kissing ass can help my status in the books. I’m whole and accepted and loved. 

That also means if my heart feels depraved and I’ve been depressed and if I fuck up, I’m still perfect in God’s eyes because it’s no longer about works, it’s faith. He has taken the punishment for me. It’s done. It was done once I accepted in faith. 

But recently I decided to not be Christian anymore because it’s just a label and to be honest, “christian” comes with so many bad connotations. It’s just a fucked up word. I have faith in Jesus. That’s all.

I have a spiritual life and I’m a spiritual being having a physical experience. 

You see I was hurt by the mentors that told me I’d live a life of destruction because I chose to leave the church, or people who tried to control me, tried to make me the conventional Christian. 

They’d gawk when they saw me dance. Damn this girl is sensual. 

God made me sensual. I’m a sensual, sexy mother fucker, deal with it. 

And God loved me to death and rose again.

I love that nothing I can do will change my position in his heart, beloved he calls me everyday. 

I shine brighter each day as I feel the unconditional love…

And if anyone says you need to change before you encounter God, think again. That’s works. No amount of works can get you to heaven on earth. Just believe and see your life transform.  

Oh and on another note. 

I love this. 

People tell us not to burn bridges with anyone so people continue to be friends with their exes, bosses they hated, and so forth. They tell us not to burn bridges because of fear. What if they need them in the future? It comes from a place of lack and poverty. Any conscious person knows that the kingdom is within, not outside, that everything, every miracle is a ball of light waiting to be enacted. 

The bridge is so heavy people have chains around their necks to the past. It’s a heavy burden that disables them from walking forward. In fact they can’t so they stand on the bridge, in between actualixation and regret. 

I was once there. 

5 years of toil and hustle. I was there, fighting off fear, lack, expectations, voices. So many voices from people, family, Devils. 

Voices telling me who to be, what to do, what to say, what not to say, what to write, what not to write, how I should strive and advance in my career, how this or that will lead to happiness. 

But one voice stayed steady- trust me, I am with you. The voice of God. A steadier voice than the rest, a peace within.

When I finally burned my bridges, I found that it wasn’t even worth looking back. 

The land in front of me was lush, full of fruit. The land in back of me was old, ruins of bitterness, false selves. 

Finally I was free to be me. 

And so today I envisioned my life again. Dreams I once had. My partner and I will buy a house by the beach, the waves will wash away our fears, we’d hold hands and dance in the drum circle, singing and playing music. I would be good at surfing by then, I’d surf the seas as a mermaid. We would make love to the ocean. 

Then I’ll build houses, lots of them for the homeless, we’d teach all over the world and I’d write books of love as service to the world. We’d laugh until the day we die to be with God. 

And so it is. 

To me this was an imagery of death and life. Life into a new beginning.   

Indonesia isn’t what I expected. I guess I wasn’t expecting Jakarta to be this westernized. Like the Malls are filled with american brands. I mean I understand, but compared to the cost of food and living, to purchase a luxury item is like 10 times more than the comparison in America. 

Then there’s social status. A nice bartender explained how women try to get with foreigners and when they do, they think they’re better than others. 

And then I had this huge epiphany. I’ve been to Thailand, Malaysia, Vietnam, Singapore and now Indonesia on this leg of the trip and I have got to say…I see old foreigners everywhere looking for some sex tourism, or free sex. 

The thing is they eventually look the same at some point- the booze, the women, eventually they start balding and their egos inflate. They gain weight, they think they’re the king but actually the women are probably plotting their deaths and eventual takeover of their money. 

Just my theory, but my Asian Americans have discussed this before. Western guys think local Asians are more submissive and docile, but like the bartender said the women eventually become their maids. 

I have been asked what it’s like to date a white guy from a Chinese woman in china. She said she thinks western guys are more educated and will treat her better. 

I LOLed. 

I replied I honestly can’t say because everyone is different plus I’m Americanized and american. I’m not dating or finding a partner to improve my social status. And there are lots of guys that are uneducated and educated everywhere, you can’t make those assumptions based on race or culture.

But where there is demand there is supply. I’m sure it’s like this everywhere. 

But is it really love? Or a transaction? 

At one point I started to feel sad for these old white man because I knew that deep down they were hurting from rejection from their own family, culture maybe…maybe unable to find partners in their own country, and that’s ok. 

Or maybe not. It’s definitely a phenomenon and I’m not saying it’s all like this but a large majority. 

they’re just critics

If you don’t have Internet all the voices shuts up. 

I have to be honest with you, someone wrote a comment about why don’t you get a real job so you don’t have to ask for help. Life is all about giving and receiving. And what is a real job? 

I’ve been self employed for almost 5 years- it was a process, and I’ve been to hell hole and back, not everyone can say they have the courage to do it. 

Who said that dressing boring and sitting for 8 hours is a real job? The world can blow up right now – who cares? 

But I remembered that I’m amazing and everything I write is doing the world a service. Honesty is key isn’t it? 

I forgive you. I do.

I have to remember that one day I’ll have so many best seller books the critics will scoff and spew blood. 

And when you’re mean, you’re kind of being mean to this sweet little girl. 

So when you’re thinking of saying things think about the little kid you’re saying it to, this applies to every adult. Treat people like you’d treat a kid. 

Oprah loves you. 

   
  
Here are my new friends in Jakarta, Indonesia!