I was driving in around the city and I can feel something rising up in me. Tears needed to come out. I just called my friend who needed space but God told me “call her”.

I was like “God but she said she needs space”.

Breakthrough.

I heard. 

I could feel my body trembling, I needed to let it out.

Finally I talked to her, surprisingly she picked up. I told her how I felt.

Then I heard go see her, but she said she still needed space. I called my other friend and also heard “go see her” so I obeyed and went. She said “I never had anyone visit me at this hour”. She was really happy and she wanted to go cruise but her mom told her no, she doesn’t trust new people. I said “okay I will meet her”. She said “no, I am going to sleep”.

Fear, lots of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure, fear of danger. Fear. Then suddenly 2 skunks appeared in front of her house. I was like wow. 

We talked for a bit and I could feel that I needed to cry. But it wasn’t coming out so I went around town wherever God was telling me, by now it was 2am. I was going to different gas stations asking about bathrooms. No, lots of no’s. 

“Fear of failure” I heard.

Then I realize God had been telling me to go see my dad but I had the excuse of “well I don’t want to be quarantined for 2 weeks”. 

God then brought a Taiwanese dad lyft driver to me to show me that there were ways around the 2 weeks.

I said “God I’m just going to be disappointed, what is the point of trying. My dad didn’t even take me to the airport last time because he had a migraine, then he stopped talking to me after I left”.

I tried to reach out to him for 1 year and he only wrote “wear a mask”.

That is the extent of our relationship. I was even happy to see one sentence like that, a reply, something.

Don’t BE AFRAID OF FAILURE I HEAR GOD SAY. 

EVEN if THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART LEADS TO DISAPPOINTMENT, FAILURE AND REJECTION! 

Even if you know he isn’t the one, but God will say “go see this person”. You may be heart broken but God is working your heart.

I finally arrived home. I still hadn’t cried. But I needed to. I cried in the car but when I went in and told my mom at 3 am that I wanted to go to Taiwan she looked helpless and angry.

I said “God told me to go see dad”. Remember they have been divorced for over 20 years. “Why, you need to go see a doctor”.

She thinks I’m crazy. She doesn’t believe I hear God’s voice. So I said “I WANT TO SEE DAD!” Hurt filled her face. She couldn’t believe it. “You only come find me when you need me, then why did you even come back to America? Why don’t you just stay with your dad?!”

She was angry and I started sobbing, weeping.

I got in the shower. I started thinking “all my life people have told me I’m not allowed to have what I want”. They’ve thought I’m too much,  too energetic, too this. I’m not allowed to. I’m not allowed to travel, I shouldn’t travel, I can’t do this, I can’t do that. I shouldn’t do this or shouldn’t do that.

BUT GOD HAS ALWAYS BROKE THROUGH BY LEADING ME IN FREEDOM! 

He said GO OUT! While everyone is telling me to stay in. While everyone is telling me to be afraid, He said “be fearless”.

I HAVE FREEDOM! I don’t need to be afraid of what my mom thinks or how my dad acts. It doesn’t matter. I want to see my dad.

Even if he is shut off, MY HEART IS NOT! MY HEART IS OPEN. AND I WILL go because I am not going to submit to FEAR.

I told my mom how I felt and IT UPSET HER.

What do you need to do or say to set yourself free, express yourself, tell the truth, do what YOU WANT???

Consider sowing a seed into this ministry and this prophetic word, there is power in sowing and I believe God will multiply every seed you sow! God bless you!

I wish someone told me when I was young….

1. I am not responsible for other peoples’ feelings. I don’t have to take care of my mother. It’s not my fault that my mom is mad or upset.
2. Have more fun. Don’t live out of guilt or obligation.
3. Tell people how you feel. Let people know when you are suffering or struggling.
4. You don’t have to carry other peoples’ burdens.
5. You are enough.

And then….

6. You are beautiful just the way you are.

7. You are STILL beautiful now.

8. You are enough NOW.

9. I will restore to you what the locusts have eaten.

10. It is not too late. God restore to me the energy I would have had in the past.

Today I spent some time with someone who was super young and I started to feel regret….God I wish, I wish….but then I remembered that I am enough now.

God I feel like you took forever to fulfill my promises. 

That’s why I felt rushed recently. I felt this pressure on my neck, hurry up hurry up God. When is THIS going to happen? When am I going to meet my husband? When am I going to lose weight? When is this double chin going away (even though it’s not even noticeable to other people)? When…..which is really having a fear of death, or missing the boat.

I am afraid of missing the boat. 

Because I feel like God purposely DELAYED everyone of my promises.

So a part of me feels like it’s God’s fault. 

You screwed me over, that’s how I feel God.

I have so many dreams God, but sometimes it seems like it just keeps getting delayed.

But I have to remember I am living my dreams now. 

1. I get to help people by ministering to them, prophesying to them.
2. I get to travel
3. I am free to roam, I don’t have a schedule usually, I don’t have to sleep at a specific time or wake up at a specific time
4. I am free from societal concerns, I trust God with my life, finances, resources.
5. I don’t have a fear of what people think (even though it may still come at times).
6. I have freedom to take the bus, rent a car, take uber or lyft, I am not tied down to car payments
7. I just danced in a parking lot, dancing to Latin music with a new divine appointment
8. I got to graffiti in Venice Beach
9. I was biking in Venice Beach and met some divine appointments, some nights I scooter on the pier
10. I get to see friends during the day when most people work during the day
11. I am building a live church organism where people build relationships with each other and are able to work issues out together
12. Most of the divine appointments I have I meet while I am doing things I already enjoy like going to the beach, dancing, going to restaurants, etc.

I am reminded that having a husband won’t solve anything.

My God is my all in all.

I was afraid to feel my emotions.

But I knew that I needed to let love in.

After I broke up with my ex in 2014, it traumatized me so much the thought of getting close to someone and then breaking up scared me.

It’s just going to end, I’d think….so why bother?

But what God is teaching me is it’s okay to feel, the pain, the joys, the happiness of the moment, instead of constantly thinking about the future. It’s for now, for today, not for tomorrow. Why delay the love you can experience now because you’re concerned about tomorrow. 

So tell people how you feel.

Admit that you like or love them.

It’s not about owning a person but expressing and experiencing love. 

You are worthy of love, of feeling your emotions.

I don’t need to keep you, I just want to love you. You deserve love. I don’t own you neither do I own you. 

You deserve to be loved. This I know.

Are you ready to let love in? Even though it may hurt, even though you may cry. 

I didn’t understand why I liked someone who is not going to be my husband but I realize it’s okay to like or love someone. Even when you get married, you have to love without fear of loss. You love because it’s human to.

Recently the Lord will tell me to go see people and I will Him say “go see ______” but then that person will say “no maybe another time”. But God knows what His children are going through so when I do talk to them it turns out they’re going through a hard time. I pastor lost sheep too. So my heart can feel what someone is going through, and God will show me. 

I told someone “you don’t have to be alone, you don’t have to struggle alone”.

He said “I’ve got to just go through it alone”.

I started to.cry because that’s how I was. I didn’t know how to ask for help or to be comforted. I would show my best face. The truth is I’ve been going through a lot emotionally. I’m starting to feel my heart in ways I’ve never felt before. I cried 3 times yesterday.

I’ve become more tender. I can feel my heart in a deeper way. I had a dream I was praying over people in tongues. I met one girl who said she also spoke in tongues.

Yesterday the Lord led me to two people on the beach and gave me a word about them. I hugged them and felt my heart hurt. They seemed very lonely. 

Then the Lord told me to go to a bar and I spotted a man and asked if he was Christian. He said yes. I shared my story with him and amazingly he was supportive and understanding of my journey. Sometimes I get questioned and persecuted about the whole follow the Holy Spirit. My heart felt full from being understood and encouraged.

“Oh it’s family”.

I can collectively feel the pain of other lost sheep because I was also hurt and wounded, not just by the church, but by people in general. I was scared of people. I wanted to hide and I did for 2 years in the wilderness.

There is something about finding others like me that makes my heart full.

“Why won’t you let me in?”

It’s a dark place, it’s hard to tell you how I feel, but I want to be heard. 

I don’t want to do this alone. 

Reach out for help. You’re not alone.

I woke up at exactly 4:44.

This was what God revealed to me. The previous night I had a dream that there was someone I liked and he liked me and we were sitting in the backseat. The guy I didn’t like as much was outside the car. The guy inside the car wanted to kiss me but didn’t and I thought maybe it was my hair, maybe it was stinky.

Let me ask you, “what prevents you from love?”

What stops you from going after love? From the one you actually want to be with? 

Do you go after the one that seems easy, safe, comfortable?

Or do you go after your true heart’s desire? Do you go after the one that is already chasing you? The one who is sort of attractive but not what you want?

After God started bringing a bunch of divine appointments, some that were actually romantic God revealed to me a few things…

I realized that I would hang out with someone who was not attractive to me out of thinking that I had to minister to them. It was safe essentially.

I had several occurrences having to do with a friend-

1. A guy that texted or called me who I thought was romantically interested in me actually hit on my friend in front of me, lied to me and then admitted he was hitting on my friend.
2. A guy that I previously turned down asked for my friend’s number because he was interested in her

I realize that I didn’t appreciate their actions because I felt like I was essentially sharing my best friend with them and there was a lot of unnecessary drama. It was not good for my heart. I felt like I was not receiving what I deserved. I had greedy guy friends that took the easy route.

So I had met this guy that I was actually attracted to at the beach after another guy tried to hit on me. I was not attracted to him physically even though he was Christian.

So here’s the deal- I realize that my heart was afraid to go after what I actually wanted. I had a breakthrough yesterday. 

I deserve to have all the attention of one man. I didn’t need to share that attention. I didn’t need to feel guilty for not sharing. I could receive the love I deserved. 

I didn’t need to settle for less, I didn’t need to feel guilty for not liking someone for their looks. I didn’t need to give any men attention out of pity because that’s essentially how I felt. Maybe I felt bad that they were so lonely that I spent time with them.

I didn’t need to.

I needed to go after what I actually wanted, whoever it was.

I was afraid of heartbreak.

I thought that if he wasn’t the one there was no point in spending anymore time with them, yet I was okay spending time with the ones that were safe….

The ones I would never have romantic emotions towards. 

The ones that were like father figures. 

The ones that were not physically attractive to me.

Those were safe, because they were never going to break my heart. 

My heart would never want to be in love with them. I would never fall in love with them. I would never invest emotions into them.

It was safe, but it required no risk. I may never see them again, these were people I ministered to, not loved romantically. They were family but would never be a lover.

Here’s the breakthrough I had.

I finally just gunned for what I wanted, and liked. There was no reason or rhyme, no logic.

I threw off the guilt of neglecting the one that I wasn’t interested in. He waited for me, called me, I felt bad for leaving him. There is good old guilt. But why did I need to feel guilty for going after what I want?

Here’s the dilemma in life…….

guilt versus desire

I’m not going to feel bad for going after what I want anymore. 

I’m not going to feel bad for being happy.

I deserve to have someone all to myself.

I am no longer sharing.

I deserve love that is exclusive. 

I deserve to have what’s mine.

Are you ready for a love worth risking for?

Why invest time into someone you don’t even want to be with? There’s playing safe and there’s plunging deep.

Here’s how love works-

One party needs to admit they love you, or like you and you like or love them back. Often times there is one party that does not want to invest all of them into another party. They are not ready for commitment nor want to be vulnerable enough for that kind of relationship.

And that’s okay.

But even at an emotional level….when’s the last time you simply admitted you liked someone and had that reciprocated on a plain simple term.

It is not complicated, but we are so afraid to be heart broken that we play games.

When you accept the fact that you are worthy to receive all the love from one person, you will start to realize that you were settling for less the whole time because you really did not believe you deserved it….because it’s safer to have less than the whole package.

If it fails, you won’t feel like it’s your fault

It’s not your fault, this is all a process.

Are you ready to gun it?