3 years ago, coming back from Taiwan.  The skies are not my limits, the heavens are.

I am so tired, I want to cry.  These are the inner cryings of those that look strong.   Lord help me.  I am so weary even sleep deprives me.  I wake up early and just call out.  A silent call.  God refresh me.  Sometimes I doubt where I’m heading.  There’s many passions boiling within me, I am planning to move.  I don’t know if I’m escaping, but I’m antsy, so antsy.  In five years, I might be in grad school or working or vice versa.  I might be overseas in Taiwan, I might be translating for a company, I might be writing for magazines,  I might be a fashion consultant, I might be musician in an underground network of musicians.  I might be living off of freelance money.  In 20 years, I can see myself in another country, I am 41, I have a business, I am mother, I am in a band, I speak  3 languages, one that took me 2 years to learn, hopefully.  I might have 3 kids, they are trilingual and they have many many opportunities to attend concerts, art shows, and I’ll take them graffiting.  Of course, I’ll have a husband too.  He is very supportive, understands my work, but is more logical.  I don’t think I’m called to be single- Tim Lewis said so.

I am in Japan, I am in Taiwan, I am in Asia, in Europe, I am networking with fellow artists, I am encouraging them and empowering them with the hope in me.  But I can see that one part of my life, I can be in Thailand, Vietnam, & India helping to build micro- businesses.  I will be a god- mother- like figure for tons of at- risk youth, I will cry and laugh with them.  Those are some of my dreams.  There will be many times of pain and suffering because love is risky, especially loving those that don’t know they desire to be loved.  But it’s all worth it.  Doors will open, doors to places and opportunities I never thought existed.  I can already sense it- I am not a prophet, but I know and have seen.

I don’t know why I started crying when I wrote about the god- mother- like figure.  Maybe that’s why I’ve been so moody lately, too much boiling within.  I rarely get the chance to voice them, sometimes I just wish people would ask me simple questions like “How’s work?  How’s school?  Do you like your classes?  What new music have you been listening to?” because I can answer them, I want to, I want to talk….I’m so sick of listening.  What about me God?

I am heavily influenced by classical, jazz, bossa nova, hip hop, R&B as well anything in between. Mix it up and you got…how I improv on the piano and cello or even sing. A lot of times people will ask me to teach them how to improv, I have never learned formal music theory. My mom is a piano teacher, but after awhile I was pretty much on my own.

I played Chopin, Debussy, all those classical composers.  As I was growing up though, I listened to a lot of Japanese music including the likes of Utada Hikaru.  Moving several times exposed me to hip hop, rock, and at one point heavy metal.  Yes, I know.  I tried to listen to heavy metal and even liked it at one point.  Mix in my love for art- especially abstract and modern and you got an experimental vibe.

I think if I could, if chances allowed me to, given the right people…I would so want to get buckets of paint, strings, drums, singers, dancers and compose something great on a huge huge field of flower bed.  I can imagine the world shaking as we create, I think at that point my life would be fulfilled.

And I can enter eternity.

Some videos to give you an idea of the influence of music and art in my life and how it has transformed my artistic style.

More to come!

Tonight

I caught myself.  A blank stare.  Touching the untouchable, it has been a few weeks.  The keys invisible.  My heart pounded, silently, quietly, steadily.

I pressed once, I pressed twice, the keys came alive.  The piano I neglected, the sickness that pulled me distance apart from the music my heart lives for.  Something about a quiet home, me alone, finally.

Sighed and played, the music welled up tears in my eyes.  I miss this.  I miss you.  I miss them.  Memories brought anew.  The day is fading, the beautiful sun set, beckoning more music.

Something about the sound of old songs, my fingers moving swiftly, clumsily.  Tears flooding my eyes, flooding the keys, flooding my soul.  These tears only music can bring out.  Music that is played from the soul of remembrance, beauty and pain wrapped in branches of sorrow.

It bears fruit, colors not seen in the visible world.  These keys are invisible.  When I play, tears trickle, I am swept up onto a raft into another world of the forgotten and the lonely.  The memories, so vivid, alive to this weary weary heart.

Pounding, pounding.  Silence.

In a world of useful and productive.  I desire beauty in the invisible.

Keys invisible.

I can see the moon hanging steadily, subsiding with a new day

tonight.

This is where my mind is at…

Hi Everyone,

Unfortunately, I was unable to blog for the past 2 days as planned- ” We can make our plans,  but the Lord determines our steps” Proverbs 16:9.  In my all controlling, managerial personality, I had written a list of To Do’s for my Spring Break.  Just thinking about it made me stressed, come on it’s a SPRING BREAK.  It means, put on the brakes and rest, chill.

Well.  This is going to sound really stupid, but I got an ear infection.  Not from some mysterious reason or wind that entered to my ears and set forth an evil force of bacteria.  No.  It was because I was bored while waiting for my friend to pick me up, so I decided to pick at my ears.  Yes, gross, I now reflect and can’t but help thinking “What a stupid gal I am”.  The more I picked, the more wax there was,  the more grossed out and more I wanted to completely obliterate these gross inhabitants.  No.  I did not use any tools, I used my very own fingers.

Then I started to feel a headache, nauseous…in the car.  I felt really tired.  The night came and I had this evil evil fever that made me whammy my socks off.  Here are a few home remedies I found online:

1. First, avoid dairy products. They increase mucus production in the body & may exacerbate the pain & congestion, esp. in children bcz their eustachian tubes are shorter & more horizontal than an adult’s. Food allergies are implicated in middle ear infections.

2. hydrotherapy & large doses of buffered or esterized vitamin C in divided doses throughout the day. I’ve used 10,000mg in a day with excellent results (2,500 mg every 4 hours).  Also take Vitamin B.

3. saline solution

4. Finely chopped raw garlic mixed into a tsp of raw honey and washed down w/warm tea w/lemon 3x daily will also give the immune system a boost.  Drink ginger tea.

5. To cure an ear infection and pain of ear infection both for anyone of all ages, even infants, use garlic oil. Just break open a capsule and pour it in your ear. Lay down on the opposite side for a few minutess so it can drain in good. About 20 minutes later the pain should be gone and the ear will not bother you again, but it is good to do a second time after a few days just to be sure.  Or try Vinegar- drop into ear.

So after reviewing our home remedies…I am quite hesitant about trying the vinegar one.  It sounds scary.  I just ate a spoonful of garlic with honey.  I think I ate everything today, Vitamin C, Pseudo whatever the nose congestion thing, ewww the garlic leaves a horrible after taste.  I’m going to take a nap.

The most beautiful place in China.  I have no idea where. But I want to go.

Yangzho, Zhejiang.  Either one of that is a province? I have no idea, but it’s there.  I want to go so bad.  So I asked my friend about going to China, the fun places and so on.  Sigh.  I want to go!  She said, “wouldn’t it be boring walking around by yourself”.  No I said.  No I would have a blast, it’ll be spending time with God, seriously.  I could learn so much going alone, meeting the native people, talking with them, traveling, finding spots that are hidden to foreigners…and simply soaking in new ideas and new epiphanies.

So anyways, after this ear infection heals.  No, I mean while this ear infection has me grounded at home, I’ll dream and learn in my dreams.

So I have always wanted to do this- share my day by day journey with you, in photos, in hours (okay maybe not that specific), in writing.  I want to take you on the adventure with me, whatever that may be for the day. Almost like I’m putting you in my pocket, chiwawa. LOL.

Woke up at 7:30 am because my mom was being loud.

I took this after I finished dressing- I was supposed to post those pictures, but am having a hard time loading them (so next time).  Somehow, Kewpie’s head vaguely reminds me of something inappropriate. hahaha.  My eyes are so bloated here!

Left my house at 9:30 am to visit Tribe- www.valleytribe.org.  I had met Mike at Perspectives- awesome and convicting speaker by the way.

Had honestly never gone that far on the 101 N.  Usually I get off at Melrose or anywhere before Highland, not all the way til Vineland where Noho Arts District is.

Took these pictures while driving home- somehow after the rain, there was this amazing sky that captivated me, blues and clear whites.  Simply stunning.  Plus, the freeway was clearer than the red sea parted, NO TRAFFIC.  I’m not kidding, folks!  I felt like I was in this wonderful dream full of cotton candy, melting chocolate, and I was going full speed- considering the “maximum speed” was 55.  Please, who goes at 55 miles per hour on the freeway, especially when it is not congested like my nose usually is.

So while feeling the drive, I reached out for my camera and took some shots while driving…yes on the freeway.

Neato art type of deal on the  ground.  In conjunction with the beautiful sky and this random Ice truck that I caught mid Right Turn.

This photo reminds me of Little Miss Sunshine, the van they pushed and jumped on.  Seriously, that is one of my favorite movie!  The dad is hilarious, step 1 of success, step 2…”now son, you are not following the steps of success”, he tells his son only to be written back “I hate you”.  Just watch it, you’ll understand once you watch it!

This is weird.  I don’t remember people standing on the side of the freeway, oh yes, I wasn’t looking when I took this picture…and many others that I aint posting cuz WordPress is giving me a hard time.   See how in- congested the freeway is?  It’s like heaven fell on Los Angeles.

Noon- ate with family

2 pm– Online, reading Perspectives articles, doing  homework

5 pm – took a bath to relieve from clubbing on Thursday (I know, seriously, how can anyone be still sore after 3 days?)  I think the electro music made me thrash and bang my head even more, causing pulling of neck muscles and erupting of veins.

6 pm– went to eat with family and friends for someone’s birthday.  Great sushi, sashimi, and ate way too much rice.  None of the workers spoke Japanese, I said “Sumimasen”… failed. Epic Fail.  Because they spoke back in Chinese.

8 pm– came home, confirmed appointments, started blogging, didn’t realize it would take so long.  I figured out that you have to press “enter” to type under, not on top of the pictures.

Reflection for the day- I wonder why my throat is still weird, like I’m sick AGAIN.  The sky was so beautiful today, reminds me of Little Miss Sunshine.  Thank God for the rain and sun.   I learned most importantly from Mike Brown that “every decision we make today determines who we become, or are becoming”.  DEEP.  “even if you don’t decide on anything, you have made a decision”.  DEEP.  So we complain this and that to God, why isn’t my life like this or that.  But then…each decision we make, we are creating who we are.  Yah, that’s right.  It’s creepy weird.  But so true.

Be anticipating for tomorrow’s Little Rebekka’s Adventure 🙂

Just Because…he mixed one of my favorite song by Free Tempo- “Up High”. as written on Billboard.com

Up High Mickey Factz

Mickey Factz

Rapper Mickey Factz started his music career just two years ago, but he’s accomplished plenty in that short amount of time.

After leaving New York University law school to focus on music full-time, the 23-year-old Bronx-bred MC began releasing mixtapes online in 2006. First came “In Search of the N.E.R.D.,” on which Factz laid lyrics over beats made by Pharrell Williams’ group. A year later he released “Flashback,” followed by the critically acclaimed “Heaven’s Fallout.” Thanks to tracks like the sneaker-inspired “Supras,” the latter mixtape quickly became a fan favorite.

At the beginning of 2008, Factz began releasing a new track every week as part of a series appropriately titled “The Leak.” On “The Leak Vol. 1” and “The Leak Vol. 2,” Factz released tracks like “Automatic”; “I’m Sean,” dedicated to Sean Bell, who was shot to death by New York police in 2006; “Incredible”; and “Rockin’ N Rollin’.” The last of those, featuring the Cool Kids, was recently added to rotation on MTV. “When we leaked the first song, we probably only got like 100 downloads,” he says, “and the last song we put out got about 9,000 or 10,000.”

Factz has gone on to co-found his own marketing, branding and styling business and label, GFC New York (clientele includes Devin the Dude and Nipsey Hustles). He is preparing his debut album, “The Leak Vol. 3: The Achievement,” scheduled for release early next year. In-house producer Precise and Illphonics (LL Cool J, the Clipse) contribute production.

“I plan on having a bunch of eclectic artists and I’m going to be touching on a lot of different subject matters like police brutality, relationships and just life—things that normal people go through,” Factz says. “People want to feel like they’re connected to an artist and a lifestyle and a culture, and I feel like I’m the person who’s going to bring that forward.”

CM8ShowAd(“Middle”);

While the weekly leaks have since been strategically halted (“We want people to yearn for more music, and what comes with yearning is purchasing,” he says), Factz continues to promote his music in other ways. He appears on the cover of XXL’s December issue as part of its annual top 10 up-and-coming feature. He’s been performing on the college circuit, with stops at State University of New York in New Paltz and Chicago’s Roosevelt University coming up, and he was part of a slew of shows and panels during this year’s CMJ Music Marathon.

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If you haven’t listened…obviously I think FreeTempo did most of the work in that song…but Factz still contributes the R&B effect.  “Things that normal people go through”.  AMEN.  That’s the job of an artist, somehow viewers/ listeners are able to relate in some way, even if it’s spiritual, emotional, mind- ful…thoughtful.  I have seen how my classical background in partnership with my rock, hip hop, jazz, bossa nova (metal at one point) has led me to amazing realms of music that boggles me at times- bringing me straight to another world.

Now that I have 21, what then.

There’s so many options ahead, my head is spinning.  I keep running forth, running here and there, not knowing.  I keep knocking down doors, breaking them, landing some nice splinters in my fingers, my legs are sore, I keep running.  I know what I am, who I am, what I’m made of.  I know the passions God has put in my heart, me- I am unique.  I know I have talents and skills God wants me to use, but where do I go next?

I am filled with doubts, fears, and what will they thinks.  I know I don’t care, I won’t care in the end what anyone thinks.  I will charge forth, a lion let out.   I am not one to follow, I have been whipped for my rebellious manner.  I know God humbles me at those times.  Yet, I am one to lead, I know it deep down in my heart.  But all this time, I have let myself sit back and relaxe.  I lead when handed to me, maybe later, later.

Later when they feel so convicted to hand me this precious thing they cling onto- this thing called leadership.  I don’t mind a bit, it’s more relaxing anyway, sitting here in my chair, just getting to know people…eating, drinking, laughing, crying a bit when the time calls for…when those around me needs a hug, a tear of empathy, yes that’s what I was made for.

Otherwise, I have reached midlife crisis.  I know all will be well, like those trillion of times I cried out with doubt.  God affirms, leads, comforts.  I’m good to go, with a kewpie in one hand and my journal in the other- I charge forth like a soldier.   Hey mama, don’t cry.  She never cries or lets me see them tears.  Let music play in my ears, for these qualms are heavy stones on my heart.  I was never made for this,  I was made for joy.

Chelsea & I. 🙂  By the way, post about my Fashion Show February 7th coming soon!!!

* What do you love to do? (hobbies, activities, etc.)

Reading, playing music, singing, designing, drawing, researching, writing, thinking of ideas spontaneously, being in charge, dancing, managing…etc.

* What books do you browse through in bookstores?

I go through the Business section (entrepreneurial/ marketing/ business startup books), Religion section (Missionaries, Cultures), Art section (fashion, graphic, toys), and finally Sociology as well as Historical/ Social Books on Japan, China, and Taiwan.  Also I like to read about Pop Culture and Social Dis functionalities.

* Which are your favorite courses?

Right now, I would have to say Marketing.

* If you won the lottery, which causes/issues would you give money to?

Mission agencies in Japan and Artistic non- profit agencies.

* If you were a reporter, what kind of stories would you like to write?

The influx of Japanese- inspired toys.  Spiritual Matters.  Fashion Designers and What They Are Really Like.  Why The Lady Decided to Microwave Her Dog.  Young People of This Generation…How They Are Changing the World.

* What are your favorite objects?

MY AWESOME KEWPIE DOLL!

* What sorts of information do you find most fascinating?

Almost everything I find fascinating.  I like reading about why mold grows, allergy, artists’ life, how people start businesses, why things work, why people think the things they do, my kewpie doll, musicians and artists, social dis functionalities again.  Somehow I like to dig at the root of social problems and find the “why” and “how”.

* Who are your heroes?

Jesus, Picasso, and all them entrepreneurs out there.

* What did you dream of being when you were 10?

Business woman, having my own shop or business.

Results of the Holland Type Personality- ASE (artistic, social, enterprising)

Work Environment– unstructured, allows non- conformity, allows originality, rewards creativity.

Sample Occupations– writers/ editors, designers, musical directors, art teacher.

I also stumbled upon a website to help creative minded super stars 🙂  I hope to spur young creatives on towards their calling and dreams, it will not be an easy path folks.  But hang on tight because I’m on the same path- you’re not alone.

http://www.creativecareers.com/

As I turn 21 on Wednesday, I opt for complete transparency.  Not that I am hitting mid- life crisis or going through some kind of schizo phase.

What I mean by that is that I would like to share a very personal story that makes me who I am today, and continues to transform me.  I pray that the Lord will open your eyes.

As I turn one year older, I am convinced that I have nothing to lose.  I have already gained the one thing that has absolutely and completely changed my life.  There is nothing else I want from this world.  There is nothing else to live for but this person.  There is no more grasping in the air, trying to find fulfillment in anything or anyone else.  I have already found truth, I have already found what I am to live for for the rest of my life.

….are you possibly wondering and longing for the same?  I hope that you are searching daily, you may be searching and not even know it.  You may be up and down each day, lost in your emotions, in your depression, in emptiness.

I was once like that.  I have been through mountains in my life, I’m guessing you’re the same.  Who doesn’t go through valleys?  Who doesn’t feel like the world doesn’t care at some point in their life?  I got so lost, to the point I felt that I wanted to run away, end my life even.  What was the point, life was utter darkness.  What is the point of living, earning a living, then dying.  There is absolutely no point, I thought.

Jesus Christ, however, came into my life.  Not a vague person in a book or a passing on of knowledge or even some religious freaky way.  I had learned about how He loved me so much that He gave His one and only Son, that if I believed in Him I would not go to the dark place of hell but have eternal life.

In short, I could be forgiven of all the crap in my life, all the evil desires of my heart and the actions that had sadened many people in my life.  I could have complete security in the unwavering God that loves me to the point of humbling Himself for me.  I was utterly touched to the point of tears.

People think I’m so cool, so unique.  I probably wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for Jesus.  I’d probably still be trying to find that one thing that satisfies me.  No, I don’t live like that anymore.  I live in COMPLETE freedom.  I live in freedom to know truth, to completely accept myself as God has made me, to live in freedom to dance, to laugh, to paint, to smile, to cry, to love.  No more hindrances because I’ve found the reason for living.

There are so many instabilities in life.  It has been 8 years since my life turned 180.  There’s no more point in hiding this amazing God I’ve kept for too long to myself.   I can say that  the reason I may be so “unique” to you is that I have encountered God and fully embraced the identity He’s given me….causing me to live and grow with freedom daily.

I hope the same for you.

The other day I awoke. A faint singing in my head. I sat in puzzlement, could it be memories clouding my judgment. I decided to let you go…for it soiled the life I wanted to live. With everyday I laugh and cry, this life is worth living.

Each day I feel like I touched you two times, life will pass me by twice.  For each time I wake to the sun, shining fervently on this face of mine, I sense I have awaken from another reality.

This reality, so vivid.  I held your hands, firmly we walked this path, in the darkness we walked.  I had you and you never let go.  So much happened, I can’t remember.  All sadness, All sweetness.  Bittersweetness marred me, marred you.   It dwindled, it faded, the tear that dripped, vapor of pain.

Vapor of pain turned this time into life, incarnational.

I laughed and the whole world turned bright colors.  And He said, “It is good”.  The first thing God did in the whole history of human- kind?  He created.  He looked proudly upon His creation and said, “it is good”.  It reflected Him, we reflect our creator.  I look at all the bright colors of the earth and I say, “it is good”.

So this pain?  It is good to me.  Though I have not created some, mostly, it is good for my soul to know what beauty is in my pain- wrenching me apart subtley.  Yet in the bathtub, I stare at my own reflection- this pain will only be momentary.  Beauty surpasses this thorn in my heart.  It accentuates and illuminates broken pieces of glass so small I can not even see.