Midlife Crisis

Now that I have 21, what then.

There’s so many options ahead, my head is spinning.  I keep running forth, running here and there, not knowing.  I keep knocking down doors, breaking them, landing some nice splinters in my fingers, my legs are sore, I keep running.  I know what I am, who I am, what I’m made of.  I know the passions God has put in my heart, me- I am unique.  I know I have talents and skills God wants me to use, but where do I go next?

I am filled with doubts, fears, and what will they thinks.  I know I don’t care, I won’t care in the end what anyone thinks.  I will charge forth, a lion let out.   I am not one to follow, I have been whipped for my rebellious manner.  I know God humbles me at those times.  Yet, I am one to lead, I know it deep down in my heart.  But all this time, I have let myself sit back and relaxe.  I lead when handed to me, maybe later, later.

Later when they feel so convicted to hand me this precious thing they cling onto- this thing called leadership.  I don’t mind a bit, it’s more relaxing anyway, sitting here in my chair, just getting to know people…eating, drinking, laughing, crying a bit when the time calls for…when those around me needs a hug, a tear of empathy, yes that’s what I was made for.

Otherwise, I have reached midlife crisis.  I know all will be well, like those trillion of times I cried out with doubt.  God affirms, leads, comforts.  I’m good to go, with a kewpie in one hand and my journal in the other- I charge forth like a soldier.   Hey mama, don’t cry.  She never cries or lets me see them tears.  Let music play in my ears, for these qualms are heavy stones on my heart.  I was never made for this,  I was made for joy.

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4 thoughts on “Midlife Crisis

  1. barbara guo

    bekki,

    your posts are like poems. so soulful.

    you are too young to be having midlife crisis. wait until you are 25 then you shall freak out.

  2. more like quarter-life crisis I think…I’m pretty sure you’re going to live past 42 =D oh, and hello! I occasionally your blog whenever I find the chance, it was listed on your business card =)

    I think you should treasure the leadership that you’re given Rebekka, not everyone is capable of using the fears and doubts that come with it to drive them. what seems frightening now is only a temporary placeholder for something amazing that will be discovered!

  3. Going to have to agree with Alex. Too young to be contemplating your midlife crisis. The very fact that you said you’re 21 makes me jealous.

    How did I find this blog? I think it was on Twitter… See ya!

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