I’ve been single for 5 years.

Being in a relationship broke me but it also helped me to see what I want and don’t want. I was young, 23. I didn’t know what I really wanted in a relationship. I fell into a relationship without needing one. I just appreciated the company and ended up dating a guy for 2.5 years. I actually liked dating back then and didn’t feel the need to be in one relationship.

I wasn’t clear about life. I was pursuing my passions like art and acting. I was also zestful and passionate about life.

But one day I woke up at the age of 26 questioning what I wanted out of life and what my purpose was.

I was so unhappy in my relationship. I actually didn’t have much in common with the guy I was with. We were polar opposites. He didn’t have a passport and I was born in Germany.

I wanted to travel the world and he wanted a house in a gated community.

A year later the Lord told me I was a pastor to the lost sheep. That year I sold everything to follow Jesus.

I felt like I was losing my life but I was actually gaining it.

5 years later I find myself opening up to love again.

The truth is dating is knowing that you may not end up with a guy forever and that part of the process is revealing your heart to them without fear of pain.

There’s no fear in love for perfect love casts out fear.

I just posted a video on Facebook with me playing cello. When I left everything to follow Jesus I also returned my cello to the owner. I stopped playing cello for the same amount of years I stopped being in a relationship.

I felt like the song my heart stopped playing. I lost friends, relationships and possessions.

Today I explained to a new friend that I was fearful of saying too much because people have found it overwhelming.

In a sense I suppressed my personality in fear that people would reject me.

Because there is so much in me that needs to come out, stories….so many stories every single day. There is not enough outlets for my creativity and experiences.

I realize God challenges me to do hard things because He knows I need to get over the fear of rejection because rejection hurt me the most. Betrayal hurt me as well.

So the more “no’s” and negative responses the better. He wants me to be unmoved by peoples’ responses to me.

The truth is all of us are a bit insecure, we are weak, fragile beings. None of us are as strong as we appear to be.

Instead of hiding in our rooms alone or staring at our phones all day God is calling us into relationship.

You might get hurt and you might get rejected!

But that’s the beauty of life. Get hurt bad.

Get wounded.

Pick yourself up and let God speak words of love over you.

What kind of movie would it be if the hero stayed at home and never encountered hurt and challenges?

Get fucked up. Emotionally.

Be confused, be emotional, throw a fit.

But be real.

God can take it.

Say what’s on your mind! Shout, scream, cry.

I don’t want to live a fake life. I want to be vulnerable. This journey following Jesus has been so uncomfortable and emotionally/physically tiring but part of that is throwing me out into relational territory, vulnerability.

The point is not that we need to be ready, but that we should at all times tell our truth even when we are taken off guard. The point is to get your boots muddy and sand in your hair.

Risk rejection, judgment. Risk pain, tears.

God has sometimes challenged me to pray for strangers, sometimes He asks me to ask strangers to give financially to my mission trip.

It’s vulnerable. Throwing myself out there.

I’m so used to rejection I expect people to reject me, but when they say yes I realize that’s the lesson.

The point is not the yes- but not being afraid of failure and not basing your identity or worth on peoples’ rejection or acceptance of you.

None of peoples’ response to you defines who you are.

So when God says “talk to her” and I approach a complete stranger, they might love or hate me, but God is that way. He will keep loving even if you hate Him.

What’s the point of loving a friend? Anyone can love a friend. But when you love your enemies, that’s true love.

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Above is when the bus broke down and I ended up praying for people….I’ve got heat exhaustion though. Please pray for me.

At the moment I’ve been up for one hour thinking about the possible black shadow that just scurried under my bed and out.

I woke up to a feeling of something landing on my head and knew something was to the right of me

When I turned on the light I saw a black animal, possibly a rat run so fast I could hardly see.

Seriously God?

I know you can handle it.

I can’t handle shit. Excuse my language.

I wish I was more grateful but nothing have gone my way.

People think I’m lucky, I should be grateful but they don’t understand how hard it is. Trying to describe how hard following Jesus is on the road is like talking real language to a baby. Even babies understand what adults say.

I don’t wish it on anyone, the life I’m living.

Sometimes I think “God I think I’ve reaped enough blessings in heaven, I don’t need to do one more faithful thing”.

Take the last few days. I got woken up by the sound of 15-20 tourists sitting by the pool, well because I went to confront all of them (1 girl to 20 Indian guys) and I got a death stares from it, I saw a German man sitting by the lounge. I felt led to talk to him but was burdened by his problems. I prayed for him but was really agitated by how I had to have my sleep interrupted for a divine appointment.

Seriously God?

Then I got woken up again by their conversation at 3 in the morning. My sleep was jeopardized and I felt extremely angry and agitated.

They continued using the pool at 6 am in the morning.

I had a dream I had to pack and leave so I did early in the morning and requested to move rooms. Suddenly I found myself “coincidentally” next to a staff meeting and I yelled “who wants prayer” then realized they were having a meeting.

The leader told me “sure please close our meeting with prayer!” So I prayed for them when they ended their meeting.

Well, later when I checked in to that dorm room I felt no peace.

So again I asked to change rooms and the staff helped me move to their other hostel.

Well I said at this time I really needed a private room since I didn’t get any sleep last night.

They put me in a container box. Lord. I could hear every echo from outside.

This was not happening. It felt like a sterile box.

I felt no peace about this place.

Holy Spirit was leading me but I was getting frustrated. Meanwhile I was bumping into this German guy everywhere. He told me I had really good intuition and the Lord had led me to him.

He was raised catholic or Christian, I forget.

I was so tired, I ignored him and tried to run away.

He then followed me to the next hostel I tried to change rooms to and was telling me about the aloha spirit.

I thought to myself “omg please stop, I’m so tired and annoyed”.

Even though I had gotten myself a container box room, I still felt no peace about the place so I felt drawn to the hostel across the street.

When I went to ask about prices, the same German guy was in the pool.

I couldn’t believe it. He was an older gentleman and when I explained my situation he said he had an extra bed in the room. The room was tiny.

I thought- God no way are you asking me to share a room with this man.

God said “stay with him”.

No God I didn’t hear you right.

He is a stranger, I don’t know his motives.

“Stay with him”.

I ended up staying in his room, cancelling my container box room and getting only half the refund.

We ate dinner together and I learned to listen to him. Sometimes I had to stop him as his thoughts were overwhelming. He told me about how he almost got imprisoned and how people were after him. He had worked in high security and classified work situations, to which I cannot expose.

He had so much pent up pain, and yes somehow God sent me to love him.

But to be honest, I was a bit annoyed.

I slept better than the night before in a tiny room with a 60 year old man.

That night I have a dream there is a handicapped man and I hug him. He is surprised because he didn’t think I would love him.

That same night Jesus asked me how much one soul meant to Him.

He said “my outstretched arms; everything on the cross”.

So no I’m not always grateful because the types of people and the types of situations God leads me to is very much so uncomfortable.

I’m not staying at 5 star hotels or resorts balling myself out.

And I did walk into Sheraton the other day and had a divine appointment with a Punjabi girl.

But I found myself bored after 3 hours.

I had no other divine appointments there.

I guess the people who need healing and a word are often those who don’t necessarily have all the money in the world. They are the simple ones at hostels, the ones running from governments or mafias. They are the ones who never got to marry because their partner’s parents disagreed with their choices.

They are broken people with broken hearts.

But that, is why I do what I do.

Love.

And it’s uncomfortable. The way God leads me and the ones I talk to.

It might be an Indian woman whose legs hurt. It might be the Fijian grandpa of a hostel and I prayed healing over his diabetes and gout. I told him he needed to forgive himself for his past mistakes as he was carrying them. I told the German guy he was enough. I told him he didn’t need to figure out his future as God would take care of him.

I prayed for the hostel manager who came to work for a few hours a day but ended up managing the whole hostel because the owner went on a “cancer treatment” vacation.

I ended up prophesying over her and telling her she was not responsible for others in this way, that she was free to go.

I prayed for a medical volunteer who got sick the first day she arrived and felt like a failure for needing to quit and leave.

I told her she was enough and didn’t need to force it.

I have stories that will have your jaws on the ground.

Do you see why I feel so burdened? I finally called a friend of mine and unloaded some of these stories but my stories are endless. They leave my heart feeling heavy and I find it hard to sleep without intense dreams.

Love is the reason.

Pray for my heart. Pray for heart to persevere.

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Loving people is extremely dizzying

At times I find myself unable to cope

The stories and the emotions overwhelm me and I want to control my heart

I don’t want to feel all the emotions

It’s too much

With one look I can feel someone’s pain or loneliness, I can feel their desire to connect, to belong, to be loved

The needs are endless and I know I’m not supposed to fill them and yet they are hesitant to say yes to Jesus

I’m not the solution, God is.

And yet I find myself trying to help as much as I can but at the end of the day it’s God who grows the plant.

My job is simply to water.

I’ll water whatever and whoever.

But sometimes I find myself needing to breathe and find room to process

And tonight God has given me a 6 bed dorm room all to myself

It’s a much needed refreshment

My eye is twitching from too much emotions, too much activity, too much experiencing humanity.

Though I prophesy and though I offer a heavenly perspective, I can only do so much.

I need rest. So I cry out to God.

The human need for love is real and only you can answer them God!

Fill my cup to overflow. Let them seek the real living fountain, and not me.

A snippet of my days

Today was so crazy. I took a 4 hour bus and ended up talking to this guy next to me. I said he was called to be a pastor. I got to Suva without any bookings. Asked around and went up to a road where someone suggested. I said hi to a man and child in a car and then asked the hotel about rooms but it was too much and also had a dark aura (it was filled with strange statues).

I ran back to the car and asked for a ride. He said okay and took me to one but I didn’t feel right about it and finally the receptionist suggested a backpackers and when I got there I knew Jesus was calling me there. I told the girl there what God was saying “you are not responsible for other people” – so many times we stop doing what we desire because we think we need to submit to the expectations of others, or we think caring for others means neglecting ourselves.

But the more we care for others the more we need to take care of ourselves.

Today the Lord told me to go to Lakauto

I walked around to a shopping center and went into a food court which had a movie theater. At first I thought I would go to another one but the Lord said, this one.

I felt drawn to one shop for food. When I sat down I realized there were 4 Japanese students on my left.

The Lord said talk to them.

I said God “how do I start?”

Ask them if they are Japanese. So I did. One guy said yes and looked over at his friend. His friend suddenly got his chair and came over to sit with me.

I thought “that’s something I would do”. We talked for awhile. I said I was a missionary. He said he is Buddhist. I said can I give you my website? He said “but don’t you teach Christianity?” No I said I just write. He said his friends just play with their phones and they don’t talk so he wanted to talk to me.

He didn’t take my website and he had no social media.

But he thought for a long time. He considered all of what I said. I said “what if Jesus can change your life?”

We talked about life and his time as a high school student in Fiji. I said God sent me here for him because at first I was too tired to come and the bus ride is 1 hour. Last night I didn’t get good sleep. I said God sent me to you as you are special. I said you will become a professor.

He said he got first in all the exams.

I patted his 17 year old head.

I said “see you” but in my mind i knew that I would see him in heaven. And we would meet again.

Even though we didn’t exchange contacts, I knew something hit his core.

And I planted a seed.

Because there is nothing like a relationship with Jesus, it’s not a statue, He talks to you. He transforms you; He frees you, He hits you with the Holy Spirit. You are filled with the presence of God.

Anaconda 2 was filmed here! Said my bus mate.

Last night Jesus asked me how much one soul is worth.

He stretched out His arms nailed to the cross.

He said “everything”.

He said “that’s why I’ve called you to love people with everything.” That’s why I’m battling mosquitoes and the heat in a non ac room. That’s why even the most unlovable people He send me to love.

Even when I’m annoyed He says “I love you and I love them”.

Patience.

God has taught me the way of Christ is not always the obvious path and He will use the most unlikely people.

Jesus is sweet like that.

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I’ve been overseas for 9 months, currently I’m in my 13th country.

I met three young people during dinner and one is from LA but he is moving to New Zealand to be with his future wife who he met on Instagram. True modern day romance. I invited myself over to their table and prayed for them at the end.

I’m thinking to myself- where is home?

I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”” -psalm 91:1-2

“For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come.” Hebrews 13:14

“By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.” Hebrews 11:8-10

Traveling can be exciting but it can be scary too. There are many unknowns and I find myself being led to places that seem skeptical, I find myself talking to strangers I’ll never see again.

Sometimes I meet people I don’t want to say goodbye to and sometimes I’m annoyed by the loud conversations outside.

For dinner I met a woman from Beijing. She hired Fijians to work for her business. Then I meet Taiwanese business men.

Disorientating yes. Tents? Yes I’ve made a makeshift one with an extra bedsheet tied to the post of my bunk bed….for some resemblance of a private bed. It’s a 4 bed dormitory.

I was in the sun for 4 hours. It was a beautiful hotel, I used the pool and met a Punjabi woman who teaches art in Auckland. I gave her a word that she would travel the world and teach art.

I ate a bunch of fruits and found myself with an upset stomach. I’m trying to find familiarity but nothing is familiar and all I can find home is in God.

God is my home.

Not a place or a city, not a person though it may be nice to be with people you like.

Not my earthly family because we don’t talk much.

God is my home and when I feel alone I remember He is with me and I don’t need to fear.

This guy tried to talk to me after dinner but I felt tired. I had been talking to people all day. I realize people seek a romantic partner for that feeling of home too. That maybe someone will understand you as much as God does.

But at the end of the day, only God understands you completely.

Will you let Him in?

It can be exhausting being on the road. The amount of variety and different things that happen in your life is overwhelming but it’s holding onto Jesus’ hand that makes you realize, you’re home wherever you are. You can relax, you’re home with Him.

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You’re always at the right place at the right time.

Now if you’re not following the spirit, then God will send someone to get you unstuck. Someone like me to give you a word. God may speak to you through a poster or a song. He will do anything to get through to you.

A sheep does not need to find their shepherd, they stay put and the shepherd finds them.

A lot of people ask me what my plans are, tomorrow, the next week.

Sometimes I know because God tells me in advance, but sometimes I don’t know. I booked a flight 2 days before I flew. I went into New Zealand without a return ticket. However, legally you need to show something if they ask. They didn’t ask me. Well they did ask me on the check in computer.

Somethings are not black and white, God’s purposes are above men’s rules and plans.

When you walk with God so closely you learn to trust Him even when you don’t know anything about tomorrow.

You don’t need to stress out scheduling appointments because as you listen to His voice and heart you will go where the “divine appointments” are.

Some people call it following your heart.

God gives us intuition, our heart to guide us.

Some people are frustrated because they’re not following their heart. They are unhappy at their job so God sends reminders to tell them to quit. But fear stops them.

Some people are stuck in unhealthy relationships, but fear keeps people in it.

When you live in God’s divine flow, you don’t feel the need to control everything. There are times when I feel like I need to be in control, it’s because I’m holding onto fear!

Yesterday I felt compelled to change rooms as the room I was in was very bright and loud. At first I thought I should just deal with it but I was frustrated.

Then God said- you need to move. I ran in the rain to get to the receptionist, I ended up meeting the manager and housekeeper that were both Christian and I got to prophesy over them.

Later that night I ended up giving a word to a man who was very stressed out in my room. I said I know you don’t believe in Jesus yet but you can always cry out to him. I saw a vision of him carrying more and more rocks on his back. I said God’s burden is light, cast your cares on Him.

God had me there for him.

Then another man had itchy eyes and I prayed for him.

The Lord told me to go to the Korean restaurant. I ended up bumping into a Chinese man I met on the bus that morning. I joined their table and ended up prophesying over all of them.

I love meeting people who don’t know Jesus.

Jesus is so good, I can rely and trust in Him. I might not know what tomorrow holds but I don’t need to.

Adam and Eve thought they needed to know, but they only needed to stay in relationship with God and trust Him to guide them. The way God leads may be outside of your comfort zone but it’s always a fun and adventurous story! And you’ll never be bored. When you’re bored that’s when you know you need to get out of that situation, that you may be stifling what the spirit is doing.

They didn’t need to know anything outside of their relationship with God.

That is why God has been exposing astrology and witchcraft in the body of Christ. We don’t need to control or manipulate our lives- God has a plan for you! And it is perfect! Follow your heart and the spirit.

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This morning I ran to the beach and was utterly disappointed.

Unlike Hawaii, the beach at Nadi was brown colored, not like the sparkling blue they advertise on their ads.

I can’t seem to control anything.

Fiji reminds me of Mexico. To be honest it’s a bit 3rd world. This is just me being honest. The sweltering heat, the humidity, the mosquitoes.

Okay yes God I get it I have assignments here but I’m frustrated it. Last night I found myself praying for 2 Chinese students and 2 Indian brothers but now I’m in a dorm room surrounded by light. I’m light sensitive and sound sensitive.

I’m the worse suited missionary and yet God called me.

I hate sharing rooms to be honest, I like it pitch black.

I hate it when people talk while I’m trying to sleep. I hate crossing streets when there’s no light, The cars zoom by without slowing down.

I want to cry because I’m out of my comfort zone and I want to enjoy the process and the journey but all I know is I’m being stretched.

And stretching hurts.

I met a girl on the bus who told me she got charged $300 for an avocado she forgot in her bag. Remember to get rid of fruits while going into any country.

I said God will provide, don’t worry.

The truth is none of us are in control.

Then this afternoon the Lord told me “move upstairs”. I ran in the rain to the reception which was located next door.

At first they said no. I went back and thought let me try again. Again I ran in the pouring rain and this time the manager came and called the housekeeper. A girl who I met on the street made it happen. She came and turned out both the manager and housekeeper were Christian. I said “the Lord’s purpose is made manifest through those who recognize Christ in me”.

I prayed for the girl and said I saw you in an office building. She said she has a dream to go back to school and try another career.

I said you will do it!! Step out in faith!

I know God has assignments in this room for me and I had to move.

It’s inconvenient for others but God’s ways are strange. There’s a Chinese man in my room. I know I’m here for a reason and God will always make a way where there seems to be no way. You just have to be persistent!

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It’s a baby in the sky!

With the favor comes the jealousy.

Joseph was favored, he had a dream but his brothers were jealous and threw him in a pit.

You can’t be in my circle if you don’t have the all in mentality. God called me to sell everything and follow Him, through the tears I did it. People don’t know how hard it was. He told me to break up with my ex, I did it. He told me to forget my best friends who betrayed me, I moved on.

He told me to quit my career, I did it. My family talked ill of me for years and still do. They don’t understand my calling.

Because nothing else mattered, only Jesus. Nothing could suffice. My heart was coming alive. I tried to find identity in everything else but in Christ alone my hope is found!

Now that people are seeing the favor and anointing on me, they’re getting jealous. They think I haven’t suffered?

I’ve suffered alright.

I’ve been through the fire 🔥. I gave every penny to Jesus when my rent was due. He asked me whose house I was building, His or mine?

I cried. Jesus.

I’ve been through the furnace. New Zealand was hard. I had many moments of the pit. Walking around with a few dollars wondering what I’m going to eat or where I’m going to sleep. The furnace was hot. I ended up scrubbing toilets for 4 days wondering what God was up to. Instead of sharing God’s love with people, I was sharing toilet germs. Sure, I was still doing kingdom work but never thought housekeeping was on the menu.

God soon brought me out of that so I could do the real work. I prayed and reached out to stranger when I felt like I needed more help than them.

But I had so many prison moments in New Zealand. Being accused and having the police show up. Asking strangers to donate and being judged by religious folks. The things God ask me to do scares the shit out of me sometimes.

People want to experience the anointing but they’re not willing to obey the smallest things in their own lives.

I tell people to move on, they won’t move on. I tell them it’s time to quit their jobs or to let go of a guy, they won’t.

Then they come complaining to me.

I said “I already told you”.

It hurts more now because you didn’t obey when God told you to break it off.

I already said so.

It doesn’t mean I’m cold hearted, it means please trust God at His word and stop being lukewarm with your love for God.

It wasn’t easy for me either!

But I’d rather cry at the difficulty of obedience than the difficulty of relying on my flesh. I’d rather cry now than later.

You want to experience true freedom?

Be all in! Say yes when God calls.

Don’t be afraid. Say yes!

His call will break you and then you will become a warrior you’ve never encounter. Powerful by the Holy Spirit!

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He drowns our his pain and guilt with a bottle of beer

It’s a simple way of running away and living in a cycle of pain

Whether it’s my dad or the new neighbor

I’ve seen it all

Men who cannot express their pain, silenced by society and societal expectations.

That is, their hearts are hardened and the only way is God.

I wrote a letter to my dad once “I’ve forgiven you, I hope you can forgive yourself now knowing Jesus forgave you by the cross”.

He has paid for your punishment. He was punished on the cross for our iniquities. The winds of change has come on April 22. I will be leaving New Zealand today. A Sri Lankan neighbor will be dropping me off at the bus station and I will be moving on.

Yesterday the Lord told me “the extra food is for her, she will come”. I see Lord. She did come, a Maori woman.

She had been fighting sicknesses, sinuses, coughing, headaches, cramps. I asked “do you feel shame and guilt?”

Yes she said. She said she asks God to forgive her. I said “if you’ve accepted Jesus into your heart He doesn’t see blemish anymore, He only sees Jesus In you”.

The concept of grace is hard to comprehend but it’s whole and not lacking.

I went from not caring about my dad to forgiving him. So many of my family are bound by the past but I’ve learned to let go.

The whole world is looking for a God who frees them and I’ve met Him- Jesus.

Instead of blaming those around you I want you to say “I no longer blame those around me and I now forgive them. I no longer need to be tied to their toxicity and issues and I now release them to God. I can move on with my life”.

Sometimes the best way to help someone is to release them to God.

You can’t help someone if they’re not willing to change. Change is a choice and God certainly is a gentleman. He won’t force change on anyone. He will ask and He will guide us and if we say yes- the transformation that can occur is astounding.

I went from an impatient, bitter and angry girl surrounded by pain to a woman who can love the most bitter people. That doesn’t mean I compromise my standards and allow myself to be stepped on.

No I listen and succinctly cut to the heart, speaking the words of God into their situation.

Since God gives me wisdom and insight into what’s really going on in their hearts, it’s not my job to be an emotional dumpster- no. I can tell immediately what is really going on.

My job is to pin point exactly what lie needs to be cast out and what truth needs to be spoken over them.

We live out our beliefs and if we don’t realize God’s grace is complete we will continue living in a cycle of self condemnation and guilt.

God’s completely forgiven you, now forgive yourself.

I met a man this week who has a daughter in another country. She is half kiwi and half German. He hasn’t seen her in 6 years. I told her my story of not seeing my dad for 10 years. I said “it’s time to move on”. He had a wall of her photos.

Another day i said “I heard the Lord say you are moving to Germany”. He said “that’s actually the plan, I’d like to see my little girl”.

Stories that are related to mine causes my heart to swell. Oh God your mercies. How broken people are and how much we need healing on this earth. It’s 1:45am and the winds outside is loud and powerful.

I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle of pain anymore, I want to live my life free of my family’s past. I want to move forward just as I’ve told this man to move forward. Though he may not know Jesus yet, I’ve planted a seed.

You deserve happiness.

You deserve a happy life apart from your family’s pain.

Are you ready to fly???

It’s your season! Don’t be scared God is with you! Time to let go of everything that is weighing you down and go after what God has told you!

What if the only thing that is stopping you is your own fear??

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Last night as I was walking to the bathroom I saw a woman crying. I asked to pray for her and then ended up going to dinner with her and her daughter.

As she was sharing her life with me, I sensed a lot of fear, anxiety and control. I told her several visions.

I said “I see you in a boat and there is a hole in the boat but you are trying to patch the hole with anything, even your own clothes. However, I see Jesus reaching His hand to you. He is walking on water. He is above it all. You need to reach out to Him, not try to fix everything”.

If you connect with God laterally, everything horizontally will be worked out.

Some us us are trying to control our lives. We control every penny we spend, we save, we live in fear. We depend on our money for stability and security. We say we are building a nest and a legacy for our children but it’s idolatry.

Control is a demonic stronghold based in fear.

As I continued talking to the woman, I had another vision.

I said “I see a new season, a new door of light. You are on the escalator, it’s automatically going up via grace of God but you are tiring yourself out running in the same place on the same step even though it’s already moving”.

The crazy thing is she found out about this hostel “accidentally” at 8-9 am that morning while the Lord told me to stay at this hostel at 9am.

Divine timing.

I was the prophetic solution. I carried the word for her. I was the messenger.

The problem is usually not the problem, everything is spiritual and the solution is always to surrender to God.

God does not ask us to fend for ourselves or to figure out the solution.

I know there are times I try to figure out how I will eat, where I will sleep, how and when the funds will come in for the next country or even next day but God asks me to trust completely in Him and not in the funds.

So what do you depend on more than God?

That becomes an idol.

You cannot be spirit led if you are fear driven. If you are fear driven you control aspects of your life to feel in control, thinking it’s safety.

But that’s idolatry and that keeps you in bondage. It’s a demonic stronghold.

After my meeting with her, I had a dream that my mom and other relatives had set up shop and were trying to sell stuff.

Everything was neat and tidy. I was so angry. I got a baseball bat and flung everything, destroying the things that represented fear and bondage.

Then I started dancing on the table that the items were set up on.

The Holy Spirit represents freedom. It is freedom. God is freedom. Jesus came to fulfill the rules, not to give us rules.

I shared with the woman that Jesus finished the work on the cross and she shouldn’t be striving for perfection because in God’s eyes He only sees Jesus in her. She needs to rest in the finished work. God doesn’t even see imperfection anymore at the point of receiving Jesus.

He only sees wholeness.

The other day when a new friend sowed a seed, she said “you earned it” since she felt so much better after I prayed for her.

That always bothered me. I realized it’s because I didn’t earn it. I deserve it because Jesus died on the cross for me to have it. Healing costs so much more than $20, $30, $500, $10,000, a million.

Healing came from Jesus sacrifice. He took the punishment on the cross.

I didn’t earn it. Jesus paid for it. He paid for her healing and He paid for this ministry. So if anyone ever sows they are simply sowing what God gave them.

And God called me to ask her not simply because He is providing for me but because He wanted to break off the spirit and fear of lack off of her. That’s what giving does.

I am not in need. I am empowered by the Holy Spirit and fearless. I’m not in fear of lack anymore because I’ve had nothing on the road at times and yet God came through. So when I ask people to give it’s not for me, it’s for them.

God wants us to live in freedom. He wants us to live free of fear from judgement, rejection, lack and death. He wants us to rely on Him more than we rely on our sense of control over our career, what’s next, relationships, friendships, finances.

Will you surrender control?

Will you be a child and let God take your hand?

When we try to control our lives we are operating as our own god.

When we walk with God, we put Him where He needs to be, a father, our husband.

Give to The Building Of God’s Kingdom-

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The spirit of rejection stems from a spirit of lack and says to you that you are unworthy of love or honor.

I battled a spirit of rejection most of my life. From the moment I was in my mom’s womb she spoke words over me, regret, hatred, bitterness. At that time my dad was cheating on my mom. You can imagine how angry she was.

I felt that. When I was young I had really bad temper. I exploded and yelled and felt everyone was attacking me and they often were.

When I received Jesus into my life my temperament changed completely but I still felt rejected at times.

I think because I was different. I always stood out. I had interesting fashion in high school. In fact my mom made most of my clothes. I was born in Germany, then moved to Taiwan, then America. I am a third culture kid and never felt like I fit in anywhere.

I got voted most unique in high school. Recently I watched a movie called Wonder Land. There is a part Peanut hides in a house and counts and organizes candies based on color. It gave him a sense of control.

Some of us become workaholics and refuse to have a social life because it gives us control and no one can reject us when we have no relationships.

God has challenged me to put myself out there. Whether it’s talking to strangers, asking to pray for them or asking for donations as I fundraise for this trip I’m on….I’m susceptible to rejection.

And the crazy thing is God wants me to ask until someone says yes, or says no. He wants me to experience both yes and no’s.

I realize God has purposed me to reach the outcasted and they often have a spirit of rejection on them. This results in passive aggressive behavior- not saying what’s on their mind but saying it in a subtle manner because they fear rejection.

God has challenged me to ask people who are afraid to help – to break off the fear of lack and feelings of helplessness.

Yesterday when a guy offered to make a donation I was really shocked, no one has offered this directly without fear. His heart was open. He didn’t hesitate. He didn’t fear that he would go without. He wrote “for your purpose”.

The couple I ministered to affirmed me so much I felt awkward.

It’s been too long since I got such direct affirmation.

I’m so used to rejection that a moment of praise had me feeling guilty.

Should I accept the compliments or shift the praise to God?

I had a dream this night that the Lord set me free from false humility. He showed me that I often undermined my light so my light wouldn’t highlight peoples’ insecurities because I often find that people are shocked and intimidated by my gift of seeing and prophesying.

Instead of seeing it as a gift, they find it creepy or unreal. They see me as a weirdo.

But I sensed that God is resurrecting our hearts this Easter.

We will no longer revert to expecting rejection. We will expect others’ open hearts, we will expect others to say yes and celebrate us. We will no longer hide in our dark cave but create communities that are safe for each other. We will step out into the light and find freedom and safety in God and in each others’ arms.

I want to thank those who have embraced my gift, who I am on this journey. Whether you’ve been reading my blog or have met me in person. I honor you. I honor who you are and who God has created you to be.

As I’m writing this, I’m crying at a cafe.

For so long, I felt misunderstood and persecuted for who God has made me but I’m seeing the tide turn around.

God is honoring you.

He is bringing you to prominence.

You will rise from the ashes and you will no longer weep.

You will no longer hide your shine to accommodate for peoples’ darkness and shade.

You’ll shine brighter and brighter because the world needs you.

Shame and guilt be broken off.

Value and worth is you.

You are worthy dear. My beloved son and daughter. You’ve gone through enough. Come hold my hand now. Come out of the cave.

By the sometimes we think people will only help us if we help them but that’s not the truth. There are people like me who have purely blessed someone with healing and prophetic words because the Lord asked me to, basically most of the people I’ve ministered to.

Sometimes we are scared to take risks because we fear rejection but I want to encourage you to step out in whatever areas God has called you to step out in!

I’m currently fundraising for the journey ahead. The Lord has decreed 3 countries next- Fiji, India, Sri Lanka and possibly Bangladesh.

https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien

https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien