Becoming

Above is when the bus broke down and I ended up praying for people….I’ve got heat exhaustion though. Please pray for me.

At the moment I’ve been up for one hour thinking about the possible black shadow that just scurried under my bed and out.

I woke up to a feeling of something landing on my head and knew something was to the right of me

When I turned on the light I saw a black animal, possibly a rat run so fast I could hardly see.

Seriously God?

I know you can handle it.

I can’t handle shit. Excuse my language.

I wish I was more grateful but nothing have gone my way.

People think I’m lucky, I should be grateful but they don’t understand how hard it is. Trying to describe how hard following Jesus is on the road is like talking real language to a baby. Even babies understand what adults say.

I don’t wish it on anyone, the life I’m living.

Sometimes I think “God I think I’ve reaped enough blessings in heaven, I don’t need to do one more faithful thing”.

Take the last few days. I got woken up by the sound of 15-20 tourists sitting by the pool, well because I went to confront all of them (1 girl to 20 Indian guys) and I got a death stares from it, I saw a German man sitting by the lounge. I felt led to talk to him but was burdened by his problems. I prayed for him but was really agitated by how I had to have my sleep interrupted for a divine appointment.

Seriously God?

Then I got woken up again by their conversation at 3 in the morning. My sleep was jeopardized and I felt extremely angry and agitated.

They continued using the pool at 6 am in the morning.

I had a dream I had to pack and leave so I did early in the morning and requested to move rooms. Suddenly I found myself “coincidentally” next to a staff meeting and I yelled “who wants prayer” then realized they were having a meeting.

The leader told me “sure please close our meeting with prayer!” So I prayed for them when they ended their meeting.

Well, later when I checked in to that dorm room I felt no peace.

So again I asked to change rooms and the staff helped me move to their other hostel.

Well I said at this time I really needed a private room since I didn’t get any sleep last night.

They put me in a container box. Lord. I could hear every echo from outside.

This was not happening. It felt like a sterile box.

I felt no peace about this place.

Holy Spirit was leading me but I was getting frustrated. Meanwhile I was bumping into this German guy everywhere. He told me I had really good intuition and the Lord had led me to him.

He was raised catholic or Christian, I forget.

I was so tired, I ignored him and tried to run away.

He then followed me to the next hostel I tried to change rooms to and was telling me about the aloha spirit.

I thought to myself “omg please stop, I’m so tired and annoyed”.

Even though I had gotten myself a container box room, I still felt no peace about the place so I felt drawn to the hostel across the street.

When I went to ask about prices, the same German guy was in the pool.

I couldn’t believe it. He was an older gentleman and when I explained my situation he said he had an extra bed in the room. The room was tiny.

I thought- God no way are you asking me to share a room with this man.

God said “stay with him”.

No God I didn’t hear you right.

He is a stranger, I don’t know his motives.

“Stay with him”.

I ended up staying in his room, cancelling my container box room and getting only half the refund.

We ate dinner together and I learned to listen to him. Sometimes I had to stop him as his thoughts were overwhelming. He told me about how he almost got imprisoned and how people were after him. He had worked in high security and classified work situations, to which I cannot expose.

He had so much pent up pain, and yes somehow God sent me to love him.

But to be honest, I was a bit annoyed.

I slept better than the night before in a tiny room with a 60 year old man.

That night I have a dream there is a handicapped man and I hug him. He is surprised because he didn’t think I would love him.

That same night Jesus asked me how much one soul meant to Him.

He said “my outstretched arms; everything on the cross”.

So no I’m not always grateful because the types of people and the types of situations God leads me to is very much so uncomfortable.

I’m not staying at 5 star hotels or resorts balling myself out.

And I did walk into Sheraton the other day and had a divine appointment with a Punjabi girl.

But I found myself bored after 3 hours.

I had no other divine appointments there.

I guess the people who need healing and a word are often those who don’t necessarily have all the money in the world. They are the simple ones at hostels, the ones running from governments or mafias. They are the ones who never got to marry because their partner’s parents disagreed with their choices.

They are broken people with broken hearts.

But that, is why I do what I do.

Love.

And it’s uncomfortable. The way God leads me and the ones I talk to.

It might be an Indian woman whose legs hurt. It might be the Fijian grandpa of a hostel and I prayed healing over his diabetes and gout. I told him he needed to forgive himself for his past mistakes as he was carrying them. I told the German guy he was enough. I told him he didn’t need to figure out his future as God would take care of him.

I prayed for the hostel manager who came to work for a few hours a day but ended up managing the whole hostel because the owner went on a “cancer treatment” vacation.

I ended up prophesying over her and telling her she was not responsible for others in this way, that she was free to go.

I prayed for a medical volunteer who got sick the first day she arrived and felt like a failure for needing to quit and leave.

I told her she was enough and didn’t need to force it.

I have stories that will have your jaws on the ground.

Do you see why I feel so burdened? I finally called a friend of mine and unloaded some of these stories but my stories are endless. They leave my heart feeling heavy and I find it hard to sleep without intense dreams.

Love is the reason.

Pray for my heart. Pray for heart to persevere.

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