Romantic Love

I’ve been single for 5 years.

Being in a relationship broke me but it also helped me to see what I want and don’t want. I was young, 23. I didn’t know what I really wanted in a relationship. I fell into a relationship without needing one. I just appreciated the company and ended up dating a guy for 2.5 years. I actually liked dating back then and didn’t feel the need to be in one relationship.

I wasn’t clear about life. I was pursuing my passions like art and acting. I was also zestful and passionate about life.

But one day I woke up at the age of 26 questioning what I wanted out of life and what my purpose was.

I was so unhappy in my relationship. I actually didn’t have much in common with the guy I was with. We were polar opposites. He didn’t have a passport and I was born in Germany.

I wanted to travel the world and he wanted a house in a gated community.

A year later the Lord told me I was a pastor to the lost sheep. That year I sold everything to follow Jesus.

I felt like I was losing my life but I was actually gaining it.

5 years later I find myself opening up to love again.

The truth is dating is knowing that you may not end up with a guy forever and that part of the process is revealing your heart to them without fear of pain.

There’s no fear in love for perfect love casts out fear.

I just posted a video on Facebook with me playing cello. When I left everything to follow Jesus I also returned my cello to the owner. I stopped playing cello for the same amount of years I stopped being in a relationship.

I felt like the song my heart stopped playing. I lost friends, relationships and possessions.

Today I explained to a new friend that I was fearful of saying too much because people have found it overwhelming.

In a sense I suppressed my personality in fear that people would reject me.

Because there is so much in me that needs to come out, stories….so many stories every single day. There is not enough outlets for my creativity and experiences.

I realize God challenges me to do hard things because He knows I need to get over the fear of rejection because rejection hurt me the most. Betrayal hurt me as well.

So the more “no’s” and negative responses the better. He wants me to be unmoved by peoples’ responses to me.

The truth is all of us are a bit insecure, we are weak, fragile beings. None of us are as strong as we appear to be.

Instead of hiding in our rooms alone or staring at our phones all day God is calling us into relationship.

You might get hurt and you might get rejected!

But that’s the beauty of life. Get hurt bad.

Get wounded.

Pick yourself up and let God speak words of love over you.

What kind of movie would it be if the hero stayed at home and never encountered hurt and challenges?

Get fucked up. Emotionally.

Be confused, be emotional, throw a fit.

But be real.

God can take it.

Say what’s on your mind! Shout, scream, cry.

I don’t want to live a fake life. I want to be vulnerable. This journey following Jesus has been so uncomfortable and emotionally/physically tiring but part of that is throwing me out into relational territory, vulnerability.

The point is not that we need to be ready, but that we should at all times tell our truth even when we are taken off guard. The point is to get your boots muddy and sand in your hair.

Risk rejection, judgment. Risk pain, tears.

God has sometimes challenged me to pray for strangers, sometimes He asks me to ask strangers to give financially to my mission trip.

It’s vulnerable. Throwing myself out there.

I’m so used to rejection I expect people to reject me, but when they say yes I realize that’s the lesson.

The point is not the yes- but not being afraid of failure and not basing your identity or worth on peoples’ rejection or acceptance of you.

None of peoples’ response to you defines who you are.

So when God says “talk to her” and I approach a complete stranger, they might love or hate me, but God is that way. He will keep loving even if you hate Him.

What’s the point of loving a friend? Anyone can love a friend. But when you love your enemies, that’s true love.

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