I realized this morning that I’m scared of happiness. I’m scared to be happy.
All my life I lived in the shadows of a broken home and unworthiness seemed to follow me wherever I went.
I started to see my worth when I understood grace, a finished work that required no work of my own but that Jesus finished the work for me.
Yet when I see a happy couple or family, my heart is doubtful.
I want to find flaws and I want to know they’ve struggled, I want to see brokenness, I want to know I’m not the only one who has struggled or is struggling.
At the same time I don’t want my pessimism to touch them, to infect their happiness.
I just heard the Lord say “you are enough, you are not lacking”.
I deserve happiness and I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have.
I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy.
Growing up I felt like God owed me a great deal for the way I grew up. I was always fighting to survive. There was always a conflict, a struggle, a battle and I often felt restless.
I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, unable to feel like myself in this world.
Just receive, sometimes it’s easier to give than to receive. Because to receive you must believe you are worthy of it.
But when you feel unworthy, you’ll refuse the help.
Sometimes we’re afraid to give because we’re afraid we will lack or not have enough.
Both comes from a fear of lack.
But in Christ we are whole and not lacking and only in loving can we understand grace, that it is all sufficient and not lacking.
Your worth isn’t in how you grew up, what situation or circumstance you are in now. Your worth is in being a child of God, knowing Jesus died for you to make you whole.
They don’t have more than you do- the ones you think have more financially, relationally, etc.
You have everything you need to do what you need to do.
My friend told me she felt depressed as she is unmarried, broke and traveling but the truth is she has everything that she needs- Jesus.
Even though I’m living in a beautiful house, I am a beautiful house.
I am the beautiful car, I am the delicious food, I am a happily married couple.
I am everything that I could ever want.
That is wholeness…realizing you are enough and you are not lacking.
You might be divorced, without income, childless, unmarried, but you are not less than those with a happy family.
God died for you in whatever circumstance you’re in and he made you pure as snow, whole, not lacking.
He filled every imperfection, discrepancy, every hole, every feeling of lack and said you are complete.
You are not complete when you have more, you are not complete when your bills are paid, you are not complete when you get married, you are not complete when your kids are grown, you are not complete when you’re disease free- you are complete and whole NOW because of the BLOOD OF JESUS.
The danger in accruing blessings is that we start to think our worth is based on what we have when the truth is our worth comes from the finished work of Jesus.
You are blessed when your parents disapprove or approve of you.
You are blessed when you are in need or not in need.
You are blessed with or without a husband/wife.
You are blessed whether you are in the greatest or worst shape of your life.
You are blessed whether you have debt or not.
You are blessed because of the blood of Jesus. In the Spirit al is finished. That is our true identity as Kings and Queens.
We need to see people for who they really are. We call and prophesy people into who they really are- not by taking pity.
Even if you never preach like TD Jakes- you are whole and enough.
Even if your ministry never becomes as big as Hillsong, you are enough.
Even if no one knows or recognizes you for your service to God and people, you are enough.
Even if you don’t write a book, you are enough.
Even if you are a backstage person and the lime light never shines on you, you are enough.
Even if no church affirms or approves of what God put on the inside of you, you are enough.
God will use the unexpected people to show His power because it’s not by might or flesh, but by the power of the Spirit. So if you are young or old, you feel like a failure, you feel like your life has fallen apart and you feel ashamed of your past- know that God’s power is most mighty in the ones who have no power of their own, no ability of their own. We have to get back to being a child of God, being unable on our own, being fully reliant on Jesus our savior.
Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you.
Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world.
A family I met in a cafe in Indonesia
I had a dream that I got married to someone God chose for me but I was doubtful that this man knew what I needed or wanted.
There are days where God tells me to pray for people but I withhold my heart because love can be tiring if you are not refueled by God.
Sometimes if we have the wrong view of God, in ministry, it’s easy to start seeing God as a tyrant.
“I am pushing your heart to come out of its cave and have no reserve, to live in the boldness of having an open heart”.
I can’t take it anymore, I have no more capacity to love – I tell God. I have no more boldness or capacity to talk to another stranger, to ask to pray for someone and risk them laughing at me or telling me no or looking at me like I am crazy.
As I write this I feel emotions welling up in my eyes as tears spring forth.
This is living with an open heart.
God is love and if we are to be more like God, God pushes our hearts to expand and to love in ways we cannot possibly love in our own flesh.
Because the truth is it’s all too easy to live l life in solitary confinement, but ministry for the last 7 months on the road, to almost 10 countries, living in 6-12 bed dorm rooms in close proximity to people have forced me to live with an open heart.
The music blasting from a club downstairs, a roommate that snores like guys fighting on the street, hearing the type of stories that make you feel like your heart is being poked out by a sword, it’s not easy to open your heart when you just want to be protected from the world, a world that is damaged, tired and worn out.
After a few days, you have to cry.
Because you feel like your heart is being stretched like a rubber band and you start to feel numb.
Today God kept telling me to pray for people and some I did, but I started getting really annoyed. I didn’t know what I was feeling but I said to God – “I feel unloved”.
I felt tired, worn out, exhausted.
There are times (like in the dream), I doubt whether God really knows what He is doing, especially with me.
But after taking a nap, I woke up and prayed for a guy whose leg was injured.
I also thought about how my roommate, when she started talking to someone on the phone with a friend, her face lit up….how we all are humans longing for love and when we feel unloved, we are unable to feel alive.
More than the things in the world, we long for human connection. We want to know that we are loved and appreciated.
And in that moment again I heard God say “you are enough, you are not lacking”.
Part of my thoughts also had to do with lack, feeling so stretched in having to trust God for the finances to go forward to every city. He often provides enough for this city, but then I usually don’t have the finances for the next city.
This kind of faith stretches me, this kind of life makes me trust on a level I never knew I could trust.
But again His work is finished on the cross, and so I relax into His perfect plan.
Dear God- I won’t doubt you even though sometimes it’s hard to trust you. It’s scary at times, I feel that my heart can’t go on. I reckon this is what marriage looks like, this is what your love looks like. Your love is a love that never gives up. God fuel me right now with your love. I need to know that your love is enough for me and that your grace is sufficient for me. Without you, I cannot do nothing. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Your love is enough for me. In Jesus name. Amen.
Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you. Everyday I am ministering to and praying for people and sharing the love of Christ with them.
Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world.
A rice paddy in Bali, Indonesia
Women are scared to reject men because they don’t want to be the cause of someone’s pain. To be the cause of someone’s pain makes you feel that you are not enough and you can’t possibly make everyone happy.
But essentially you are not God.
I meet lots of men and women that tire themselves out trying to be everything to everyone and I have tired myself out like that before.
You are not responsible for how others feel about themselves.
Most people will not understand why you do what you do.
You will upset and hurt people for living your truth, they will not be able to understand why you chose to leave home or chose to be far away from them.
You cannot change yourself to make others feel better about themselves or to appease them to fill and cover insecurities they feel about themselves.
You can only live your truth.
You can only live out your truth.
And when we don’t, when we pretend to be something we are not- our hearts suffer from it.
We can’t love without risking it and we can’t love without experiencing pain.
What I mean is- you are no responsible for protecting peoples’ hearts, God is. He is also responsible for protecting your heart.
We can’t live our lives being afraid of offending others, call it “politically correct” or socially acceptable. Jesus was offensive. He loved those who didn’t deserve love in society’s perspective.
The disciples wanted him to be around all the time but he disappeared to have alone time.
You can’t right all wrongs.
You can’t explain yourself to everyone, and you don’t need to.
The ones who usually need explanation are not those who want your help and want to understand- they just want to instigate and make you feel less than….
Their own insecurities causes them to question your confidence.
Perhaps if they make you question yourself they’ll succeed in derailing you from your truth and insecure people love to have company.
I am not saying I am always confident but I’ve learned to follow the voice and heartbeat of God, I’ve also learned to listen to my heart and to trust my heart.
And to seek that quiet voice instead of all the noises that seek to distract me, and they do come, often.
The naysayers say “but over confidence in yourself is wrong” when in truth they are petrified to follow their heart because they are afraid of failure, humiliation, rejection, judgement and most of all- PAIN.
Because some people will avoid pain at all costs.
Pain, disappointment conveys to them “you’re not enough”, you’re a loser and not a winner.
But pain is part of life.
Pain is your heart aching for heaven on earth.
Paradise, never ending love.
It’s an echo, a cry for help “there must be more” says your heart.
There must be a love that is eternal, a love that never fails you nor forsakes you, a love that doesn’t cheat on you nor betrays you.
And that love came to earth to bear all our pain and imperfection- Jesus.
That’s why it says “cast all your cares on the Lord for he cares for you”.
And there is no such thing as failure because God desires honest more than feigned enthusiasm. He is a God that is more than able to handle our fragile hearts.
Sometimes things we don’t expect comes out of our mouths because we’ve suppressed our truth for too long, pretending to be a version of self that is acceptable to others, whether that is our friends or family.
People (strangers) confess things to me they’ll never tell their friends or family because the shame is too much to bear.
People will tell me about relationships they had with married man/woman, abuse, deep longings, relationship fails, parents, self-abuse, attempts at suicide, sleeping with prostitutes, etc….the shame is heavy to bear and so they unload to me.
And for some reason, I feel no need to judge as I am myself imperfect.
But that is love, a total embrace that is unconditional.
I’m currently in Bali and the air is inspiring me in all kinds of ways. I’m overcoming my fear of the scooter as 3 years ago I got into a moped accident. I’ve learned to let go a little and just have fun in the midst of ministering and praying for people.
Yesterday I was praying for a girl in the middle of the lake.
Now I think about it I could have baptized someone, that would have been cool. But I’ve learned to just take a chance, to not forebode what could happen, but simply trust myself and God.
The woman who I’ve become friends with at the local eatery said “thank you! I slept well last night after you prayed for me. I’ve taken your advice to get more rest”.
The prophetic word- I saw a shirt the other day – it said “think less, live more”.
There are times I’m petrified and anxious, God how are you going to do it? How will you provide? And then He comes in when I least expect it.
I’ve told many people my testimony at the hostel I’m staying at- people are SERIOUSLY bewildered when I tell them that I haven’t had a phone for weeks and that God always provides what I need, even if it’s a stranger helping me with a ride or carpooling with me.
God always sends angels to help me.
And with this I realize that I’m living in complete trust in the Lord. That He literally is taking care of me as a Father would.
I usually would have some fear going into a new country but I knew that I would carpool with someone. I asked 5-6 people if they were going to Ubud and I ended up in a car with an Australian couple. It was a divine assignment. During the 1 hour and a half I prayed and prophesied over them as I heard their stories.
Everyone has a story and sometimes it’s cruel, sometimes it’s painful.
But God is making all things new.
He is healing every wound and every bad memory and He is restoring unto you all that you have lost.
A girl I prayed for at an ice cream shop
God does not want slaves to listen to orders, He wants friends that will partner with Him in restoring the earth and the hearts of people.
Sow into the kingdom-
Today we will talk about two types of people:
- The people pleaser- always playing in line with what others want, in fear of judgement, rejection, feelings of shame, and feelings of unworthiness.
- Master manipulator- angry at what life didn’t give them, manipulating others to get what they want
Both operate from a spirit of lack.
This post may hit at the target at everything you’ve ever felt in your whole life.
I have been both but for much of my life I was a people pleaser. My mother often “made me” feel guilty or ashamed to be alive. My dad was supposedly cheating on my mother when she was pregnant with me so I often felt like I was paying penance with my life, subjugated to simply do what she wanted me to so that she wouldn’t feel so bad about herself.
I wonder how many of us feel this way? That we aren’t worthy to even be alive.
It wasn’t my fault.
The same spirit that accused and blamed me my whole life, even using my mom’s anger towards herself and her life circumstances accused me this week.
An airbnb owner (who happens to be pregnant) accused me of asking for too much when I asked for a quiet house on several occasions. Apparently the housemate was offended. Here I was thinking that we were all becoming friends when in actuality, they were talking behind my back.
She came home, exploding. She said I was selfish for expecting everyone to cater towards my need. I said “you opened an airbnb business, it was your choice, and I’m simply being honest”.
I knew that this was all the devil trying to accuse me.
I felt guilty when the owner stopped talking to me. When I said hi the other day she didn’t even look at me.
I felt my shoulders tighten.
Then it hit me. My mom does that when she is mad at me. She doesn’t acknowledge my existence as a way to punish me. I wonder if that’s connected with her blaming me for her pain, her pain of feeling abandoned by my dad, her pain of feeling neglected, unloved.
It’s not my fault though.
Finally, it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. And it’s not your fault, however your parents punish you for their own feelings of unworthiness.
I kept hearing God say “it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, you were simply being honest and speaking up for your needs”.
The owner’s accusation was a way to make me feel guilty for speaking up and wanting what I wanted.
Perhaps that is why most people stop asking for what they want or need- because they have a fear that people will reject, shame, judge or condemn them for their desires or opinions.
I felt a sense of responsibility to right the wrong- but I didn’t do anything wrong, I was only speaking my mind and truth.
Shame and guilt shuts people up.
Shame causes people to be silent.
I realized that this wasn’t about me, it was about the owner. She was too stressed, working full time, managing an airbnb (her own house), pregnant.
Was it that I was being selfish or that she just wasn’t loving herself enough?
People who call others selfish usually don’t love themselves enough and aren’t “selfish” enough. They live out of a spirit of lack and often expect others to compensate for the lack of love they feel.
In actuality, no one is responsible to love you. It’s your responsibility to love yourself first, to allow God to love you and then to speak up for what it is you need and want. Sure, in a relationship, in family, people do love you, but they do it out of what they are capable of doing. Most people don’t have ENOUGH love to give because they don’t realize they are enough in Christ Jesus.
People can only love you to the capacity they love themselves. If they “love” you above what they can give themselves, they are “sacrificing” themselves at the cost of loving you. And there is then a deficit. a shortage. When there is a shortage, people often feel bitter about the love they give you.
In truth, all of what I described is not love at all, it’s actually based out of fear.
People sacrifice themselves at the cost of loving themselves because they fear that you will essentially LEAVE or reject them if they don’t sacrifice themselves.
But there is no fear in love because perfect love casts out fear.
So what would it look like to live in love?
- Speaking up for how I actually feel, need and want without fear of judgement or rejection.
- There is no need for “sacrifice”, just love.
- Sure there may be compromises, but not compromises that are based out of fear.
The owner told me that it is in Malaysian culture to sacrifice to the point that they can’t take it anymore. But when I talked to two male Malaysians, they said “no, I don’t believe that” so I wonder if it’s mostly just with women….this theme of sacrifice.
I don’t need to sacrifice because Jesus became the ultimate sacrifice on the cross.
Sure, I have left everything to follow Jesus to share the love of Christ with people, but in truth, it’s not a sacrifice because I am following my heart and what truly gives me fulfillment.
My heart is full when I love people, and when I allow others that I meet to love me. But I ultimately go to God.
God does not call us to sacrifice, he says come to me with a broken and contrite heart, this I will not despise. He doesn’t call us to be strong, He calls us to lay ourselves at His feet at all times.
I found myself fighting this battle of shame and guilt through words and prayer.
“I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus”.
We battle with not enough, we battle with feelings of shame, guilt, condemnation- but in Christ, we are enough and we are righteous.
When you know you are enough in Christ Jesus, you’ll love with an open heart, one that is pure and without manipulation, guilt, witchcraft, control or a need to sacrifice.
When we sacrifice, we live out of a belief that there is lack, that somewhere God won’t fill the void if we don’t personally fill it.
But in Christ, there is no lack. There is only an abundance of love. So if we are not able, say so. Christ is more than enough. God does not need us to be strong. God wants us to be weak and for Him to be strong for us.
Sow a seed- Your giving makes changing lives possible as I minister to and share the gospel of grace to people around the world! There is an ongoing need to fulfill the mandate the Lord has put on my life. Join me as I change and save lives!
One of the things I find very disturbing about what some Christians teach is that they hide under the guise or the “covering” of the church and do not have opinions or trust that God is speaking to them.
So they move only in the direction of what they’re told by leaders in the church and no longer have a mind of their own.
As someone who hears God and follows His voice I often meet Christians who say “wouldn’t it be better if you went with someone else” or a group?
As though Jesus in me is not enough and if the signs and miracles that God has worked through me isn’t evident of His presence in me and in my life.
I am often reminded of the pharisees who saw the miracles and signs yet still doubted that God could really work through one person.
They are essentially saying “you can’t trust that God can speak to one individual or work miracles through one person”.
In fact this thinking is ancient.
It’s like having a catholic priest to “confess” your sins to and atone for your sins.
But Jesus’ BLOOD IS enough.
So many Christians are taught not to trust their heart and because of this, we do not see manifestations of God as much as God intended.
The reason I see God working through me is because I trust that IT IS God speaking to me and I act upon it.
God puts every desire in your heart and ONLY BY listening to it will you essentially be listening to the spirit.
Leaders in the church have systematically taken “power” away from people by teaching this lie- that God only works through groups, not individuals and that their hearts are not to be trusted.
You see ONE head of that group who controls them and “corrects” them when they’ve gone astray.
This IS THE RELIGIOUS SPIRIT, a demonic spirit that entraps people and gets them forever stuck, to not have any voice or thought of their own but to be a mere robot that merely listens to a person or group herd mentality.
It says in the BIBLE that you have the mind of Christ when you receive Him into your heart.
GOD IS NOT AGAINST OUR DESIRES, HE PUTS DESIRES IN OUR HEARTS AND IT IS HIS LEADING.
If a man was to follow the Spirit people probably wouldn’t QUESTION that GOD is working through him, but for some reason as a woman, I have tons of people asking me that maybe I should find a person to go with, that God should send my husband so I’m not alone out here on the field (in whatever country I am in).
I’M NOT ALONE! I WAS NEVER ALONE. JESUS IS MORE PRESENT THAN ANY HUMAN BEING ON THIS EARTH.
AND HE IS WORKING POWERFULLY THROUGH ME. AND I DO NOT FEEL ALONE, though I may feel misunderstood, I SAY I AM THE RIGHTEOUSNESS of CHRIST JESUS, I AM ENOUGH IN CHRIST JESUS.
After I struggled with thoughts of lack because someone asked if I should maybe go with someone- I suddenly had all these revelations about being enough. Even in this way. Following your heart and trusting that GOD is the one in you leading you, I decided to get a henna tattoo as a reminder.
And yes that is a mosquito bite. LOL.
YOU ARE FREE, not a slave.
You are free, you are enough because of what Jesus did on the cross for you.
I had a remembrance of when I left a certain church because of legalism that someone said “I wish you came and prayed with us”.
What she really meant was “I wish I had the chance to change your mind, control you because I want you to stay and take over the worship team because I am the one leaving”.
God had already spoken to me “you’ve reach your limit here, it’s time to move on”.
Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom.
Even if someone doesn’t agree with you, it’s important to listen to what your heart is telling you.
The traditional and ancient church have suppressed women by telling them that they cannot have their own thoughts or even preach. They are much mistaken and it is the PURE work of the Devil, not God. In fact there were many prophetesses in the Bible. Jesus always came to liberate women, not to judge or condemn them.
When everyone tried to condemn a prostitute, He forgave and freed them. He protected them.
I pray that this post will set you free to know that your heart is worth listening to and it is God speaking.
Sow a seed to this ministry and the work I am doing overseas to share the grace of God and bring healing to people. Your help is much appreciated and God sees your generosity!
Here’s the story.
Today I got back to the hostel really excited to do my laundry. But then this happened- the washer wouldn’t open after my clothes were done being washed.
I tried hard to open it but realized I needed to give up quick. In Korea my clothes got stuck in the washer and I ended up having to leave them. This time there was someone who could help me but I needed to wait so while I was waiting for the manager, I was hit with a revelation.
If you never let go of old clothes, you don’t have room for new clothes when you’re traveling because when you travel, it will actually COST YOU MONEY (It will cost you to hold onto past hurts, old wounds, unforgiveness, old ways of thinking, fear, anger, bitterness, the past) TO bring on EXTRA BAGGAGE!
Most airlines only give you either one or two carry on and for international flights, one baggage. There is also a limit to how much you can bring onto the flight. For international flights it is 20 kg.
You will be weighed down emotionally and spiritually if you don’t let go of the past.
If there is extra luggage (baggage) in your heart, you won’t be able to step into the new season ready to receive the new things.
If you don’t let go of your past relationship (or bitterness about it) you can’t go into a new relationship with room to receive the love you are looking for.
Here’s what God said
“some people are NOT willing to throw out things that AREN’T WORKING because they feel like they WASTED so much money on it already”.
You say- “IT COST ME TOO MUCH already!” It cost you too much time, it cost you too much energy, it cost you me too much heartache!
For example, your clothes were really expensive or cost a lot of money but you never wear it….it’s costing you space.
JUST LIKE a relationship that isn’t working IS COSTING YOU EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL SPACE, and EVEN space where another person is supposed to be.
JUST LIKE an old mindset which isn’t working is costing you space, depression, fear, limited beliefs.
YOU feel like “I ALREADY SPENT SO MUCH TIME or money on it, I’m not willing to give it up, I ALREADY GOT HEART BROKEN OVER THIS, I can’t break it off”.
GOD’s LIKE YO! WAKE UP!
If you’re not WEARING it, it’s not worth keeping it because it is emotional SPACE.
Don’t get weighed down, God wants us to live in freedom. And that means being willing to let go when it is time.
Some people will not allow you to let go of them when it’s time, but it’s your life and you need to set boundaries for what you want in life.
I remember waking up one day and realizing that I wanted to have a heart committed to my future husband so I deleted and unfollowed every guy I ever had feelings for.
If you want what God has for you, you must be willing to let go of what isn’t for you. And be committed to trusting God and waiting for the right promises, the right people and refuse to settle for what’s lower than God intended.
Just as I waited for the manager to unlock the washer, so must we wait when things don’t happen right away. There’s no use in forcing something to open when God has a perfect timing for when He wants and is allowing something to happen. He knows when we are ready for it. Whatever it is.
To sow a seed: