I find this a juxtaposition of “isolation” on the right versus “community” on the left side. This was taken in Santa Monica.
Every day that goes by I realize I never confronted my dad.
Just let him get away with it. Just let those people who abandoned and walked away get away with it.
That was also my pattern. I let people step on me and abuse me, mistreated me but I didn’t speak up for myself. I didn’t say how I felt. It would become so much I’d block them, cut them off. That was my pattern. Because I didn’t know how to communicate how I felt. In my mom’s eyes, I was always wrong. I was always the scapegoat for all her stress and problems. Both my brother and I were.
So I silenced myself and got shingles when I was 14.
I endured the yelling and the temper fits.
“I deserve to be punished” – that’s how I felt.
“I am the reason for all her problems and stress”
“I am a burden”
These were lies that were ingrained into me because of my upbringing. My mother was emotionally unstable. She probably didn’t talk to a therapist about how she felt. She was always blaming my dad. I heard things like “he’s evil, he’s a bad person”.
These were said to me-
“you’re an adult, get over it”
“you should just forgive and forget”
“You keep living in the past”
“Maybe you shouldn’t be so honest and blunt because it may push him away”
I realized that I shouldn’t be blamed for feeling how I feel. No one should throw bible verses at you to quiet and silence your emotions. It’s too easy to do that. That’s why a lot of Christians are emotionally immature. They allow people to step on them thinking that’s Christ-like, it’s being loving…but it’s not.
Love is SPEAKING UP FOR YOURSELF. LOVE IS RESPECTING YOURSELF. LOVE IS VALUING YOUR OPINIONS AND EMOTIONS!
We have a soul, we have a spirit, we have emotions….the emotional part of ourselves is what is often not nurtured and taken care of because of emotionally immature parents.
We were taught to-
“get over it”
“don’t cry”
“be positive”
These are blanket statements to shut people up. It keeps people in isolation and is a trap from the devil to dishonor and disrespect your heart.
Love is communicating your truth and having someone say “I still love you”.
Love is being understood, even if that truth is not what you want to hear.
It’s okay to say-
“I don’t really understand your point of view, but I can agree to disagree”
“I understand we are different people and we have different ways of doing things, but how you do things is just as valuable as the way I do things”
Here’s what I learned-
- If someone does not have a relationship with you, they are just acquaintances….they don’t have a right to tell you what to do nor even give input into your life. They don’t know your heart.
- A true love friendship, relationship is a conversation, not a monologue or a tyranny of someone trying to control you and tell you what to do.
Remember, a relationship is a constant conversation, it’s communication. It has nothing to do with right or wrong. People who have shut down their emotions and heart often become religious because they don’t accept their emotions as valid.
Your emotions are valid. If you are hurt, it is valid. If you are angry, it is valid.
My dad never responds to my messages or calls but I realize…I can still express how I feel. I can send messages, I can record messages. I can still speak how I feel.
It’s not a relationship, no. But it says to my heart “my thoughts and emotions matter”.
Even if your parents passed away or if someone walked away from you, you can record a message or write a letter to tell them how you feel. That says to your heart “your opinion and emotions matter”.
I just sent messages to a friend who cut me off and it felt good to release how I felt.
I am learning how to be in emotional mature friendships. It’s not always easy but telling the truth will set you free.
Relationship isn’t telling someone what to do.
Relationship is a conversation, it’s constant communication of how you feel.
Relationship isn’t about being right or wrong but honoring someone’s heart and accepting where they are in their hearts without pushing them or forcing them to be somewhere they are not.
Relationship is accepting where they are, even if that’s a place of pain and hurt.
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Rebekka Lien 