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I feel the tension of birthing.

Do you?

I feel the tension of seeing God move, He’s leading me to numerous people everyday. People are getting set free, they’re receiving clear prophetic words from God through me, they are getting delivered from fear…and yet at home I am seen as a “jobless” nomad.

Then there are the critics.

The pharisees.

My mom thinks I am out and about everyday literally just doing nothing.

I can’t explain it enough to her, I tell her the miracles, I tell her about the divine encounters I have, but it’s still not enough.

And He said, “To you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God, but to the rest it is in parables, so that SEEING THEY MAY NOT SEE, AND HEARING THEY MAY NOT UNDERSTAND.” Luke 8:10

God open the eyes and cast out the deaf and dumb spirit that is trying to oppress the truth.

And when God tells me to ask people for donations, again I’m met with criticism. Why? Because God is exposing their hearts.

I am just listening to God, if I feel led to ask, I ask. I don’t have qualms about it. I have to eat too. But more so God is trying to set people free from bondage. So you can accuse me all you want, but are you willing to be set free?

There is a spiritual stronghold in people sometimes, those needed to be broken off, a fear of lack, a fear of not being enough, a spirit of mammon. People rely on their money and possessions more than God. So I’m the messenger, I become the bad guy. And well, I get all the lashings and it hurts. The accusations come, the guilt trips, the “you’re not doing enough”.

Not only should I be reaching out to people, talking to them, healing them, encountering all kinds of spiritual warfare, but now I need a part time job since people are not willing to give?

I am out almost 10-12 hours a day on the streets.

And you know the funny thing is?

God will keep closing the doors.

This morning my friend and I were supposed to go deliver flowers as a gig. My mom and her dad complained that “oh it’s not worth it, because well you will waste gas” (again speaking from a fear of lack).

We sent the info they needed, I went in to talk to the woman several times. God showed me she was in desperate need of rest. Why? A spirit of lack (living under the law) will make you feel like you are never enough. This has to do with fallen mankind. Since we are born into a broken world, we are imperfect….we are always trying to become more by being more but it is never enough.

Again, this is the spirit of the law. The spirit of the law will drive you to live like a slave. You will be worn out and you will always try to rely on money for security but you will never feel secure. You will never feel like you are enough or have enough.

Last night I called again and the lady said that they had enough drivers. God closed the door, He said you need to rest.

Before that the Lord had a divine appointment for me. He had me prophesy to a man that he was supposed to be a preacher. God showed me his heart was broken and he was surprised “how did you know, my wife cheated on me!” We talked for 1-2 hours. As we talked I felt my heart get tenser and tenser and eventually I started crying. I felt the holy spirit wash me. The Lord provided what I needed through this man so that I would no longer need to deliver flowers.

Why? Because when you work for God and you’re following His agenda, you will be provided for.

That is what He told me when He first told me “you are a shepherd to lost sheep”

I asked the Lord “how will I live?”

The Lord said “I will provide”.

“Jesus gave them this answer: “Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.” John 5:19

After I went to San Gabriel, I then was dropped off in Pasadena by that man who was giving up his whole life to Jesus. I took the bus to Arcadia, then the Lord told me to go back to Pasadena.

On the bus a man sat in the back of the bus. I sat near him and started talking to him. He said he was 16 years old, half my age.

“Hey you should be a model, you have the looks for it”- me

“Actually I do acting”- him

“OMG I knew it!” – I said.

I said that I was a Christian and a prophet…he said that he took psychedelics and it opened his eyes to seeing how bad he was before, he was self involved and the center of attention, he was selfish. I said that under grace he was forgiven if he chose to accept. He no longer needed to be punished for his sins. I asked if he wanted to pray and he said “yes”. So we prayed to receive the whole forgiveness of God, not just half or in part.

I told him that I always wanted a little brother as I have never seen my half brother.

It was late already but God told me to go to Glendale.

Oh great God.

I kind of wanted to go home but a part of me was filled with so much energy.

I went, worrying a bit about how I would get home. Buses don’t run that late.

He said “you’ll get a ride”.

I kept trying to “find” the divine appointment, I guess I thought it would be like last time. You know…I even tried to text someone I met in Glendale last time, but God had other plans.

Eventually I took a Lyft home and the driver of course was a lost sheep. We went to go eat after and she told me that she was raped 10 years ago. I mean it was intense for me. I prayed and prophesied over her. I saw that she would preach and share her testimony to many women. I could feel this false responsibility trying to weigh me down. My shoulders started to hurt.

I feel the tension of birthing, building the church.

I feel the ease of flowing with His spirit but I also feel the overwhelming problems and needs of people.

I feel the approval and love of people that I’m meeting, their belief as I prophesy to them and they’re transformed by God but also the disapproval of my mother who is trying to tell me almost everyday to live a normal life, to be driven by financial security in the world’s eyes.

So a part of me just wants to move out already, but God hasn’t allowed it.

It’s not that God is cruel or a tormentor.

I know it’s because He is training me, to find peace in the whirlwind, to know He is always with me, that I am never lacking…that I am not to be driven by a fear of lack, the agenda of people, expectations from my mother, but to follow His voice alone.