Don’t Play It Safe. In Order to Break Off Condemnation and Fear, You Have To Continue To Put Yourself Out There

Your heart is a muscle that needs to be exercised.

I woke up feeling tense and scared of people, I felt condemned and had to make a prayer video. You are righteous because of His sacrifice.

And then I had to take risks ALL DAY! 

I was out from 11am to 10pm.

There were times I was like “no”, but most of the time I said “yes”.

What does it look like to say yes to God. 

To do things that scare you. 

I prophesied over strangers and told people about what I do. I asked for donations, I asked for rides from strangers. They all turned out to be lost sheep, divine appointments.

I was sitting at a bus stop and God told me to ask for a ride.

I asked a few guys, and all of them said no. They looked hesitant, didn’t want to take a risk of picking up a stranger. I didn’t say I was a prophet, I just did it.

I was getting discouraged and then suddenly a man I asked before came back. He had dropped off his work truck and came back. He had a picture of his daughter. He was Catholic, yes, of course. This man will be blessed for saying yes. We talked for awhile and a part of me just wanted to go home.

“God isn’t this enough?” I looked out the window and most of the shops were closed except for a few boba shops. It was enough to get me out the door. I thanked him and blessed him.

It wasn’t about me doing more, it was me learning to put my heart out there, no matter the risk or the consequences. Because yesterday I took a risk and asked a neighbor I just met to take me home and his stepmom kept calling him. I felt this fear rise up in my heart, I felt responsible for him getting in trouble. But God said “no you didn’t do anything wrong”. I take risks everyday, talking to strangers is not always easy. Praying for the demonically oppressed guy was not easy too, it freaked me out a little, but love is big, love never fails.

It’s about God opening your heart, and not letting SATAN have a foothold in your heart, not having a stronghold of fear in your heart (which builds as you allow yourself to submit to it).

It’s not about being right, but living in freedom and knowing no matter how people respond, you are a child of God and worthy of God’s love. You are a child of God, you are not afraid of living in freedom. This means you freely put yourself out there, you’re not afraid of the risk of rejection or judgement. 

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One of the only restaurants opened in Pasadena. I got to prophesy to her.

At the end of the day, I felt led to go to Popeyes and the guy gave me a free drink. I yelled “I love you”.

So yes, love requires lots of risk and it may look different for everyone but what I’ve learned is, God’s goal is to set you free to live in freedom, He wants you to be free of any fear that may hinder you from experiencing love.

Yes, maybe there were very little people on the buses and on the streets but God still led me to my divine appointments. My life is so much richer because of God.

I meet men who say they are afraid to put themselves out there to date again because of past hurts, I meet women who say the same. But so what, you have to just keep putting yourself out there, when it is the right time, the right person will come.

Sow a seed to this ministry. You will surely be rewarded! God bless you!

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Lost Sheep Found

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“I’m tired of being alone”

“I haven’t been hugged for years”

“My life has been pain”

“No one talks to me, I’m like the last person anyone talks to”

What do you do for fun? I’ll ask.

“I like being at home, I don’t go out, I’m scared to talk to people”.

These are words I hear from people (lost sheep) that God leads me to everyday.

Sure, perhaps these are victims’ words, but I know I have felt the same. The desperation of loneliness because you’ve been “set apart”. You’ve been hurt and wounded by people. 

You’re a pioneer, you’re different, you’re unique. God has set you apart. You’ve had a troubled childhood, you don’t feel like you fit in, you don’t feel at home being at home. You’ve been rejected and wounded. Your dad or mom abandoned you, they never talk to you.

Yesterday a young man told me his dad hit him up for money after years of not talking to him. He was coked out, we went to go eat. He had just gotten out of prison, he told me he had to fight men right when he got locked up. He always hangs out outside his house because his dad drinks and yells.

My days look like this….

I feel led to go to one place, then I’m led to go another place, I’m led to go home and I get on a bus and see a girl I’ve met before. I talk to her. She opens her heart to me, we have similar upbringing. She tells me she just got yelled at at work, I tell her she is gorgeous, she’s going to be an actress.

I walk home in the back alley and notice a person God has told me to talk to before (but because maybe I was wanting to be alone I didn’t talk to him), suddenly I hear myself open my mouth and ask if he has eaten dinner yet.

Some days I meet people at the korean spa, sometimes on buses, sometimes on the street, at a bus stop, at the mall, at a restaurant. I’m the one person who talks to strangers, who feels the pain of the lost sheep and my heart knows exactly where God’s sheep is, the one who has been wounded and battered.

I know exactly where they are. I can spot them in a crowd of faces. My heart will follow them, my heart will lead me to them. Even if they think they are lost, I can spot them,  I can find them.

Traditional churches may never reach out to the one smoking outside their house, they may never talk to the one who leaves right after church, but a pastor to lost sheep hears the heart beat of a lost sheep. They go outside the church, onto the streets. Their motive is not that they will get paid, they answer to God’s leading. Their motive is love.

So many people have asked me “what’s in it for you?”

My friend, because I’ve tried everything and only Jesus gave me the true peace I needed. I now answer only to God. His grace is my only life support. Nothing else has filled the void in my heart. I’ve married Jesus and put a ring on it. I’m committed to God. 

The other day a waitress asked me if I was fortune teller as her coworker who I prophesied to told her about me. She was scared but she asked me. I said “no, but I am a Christian, a prophet”. I said “are you an artist?” She gasped “yes. How did you know?”

I said “God told me right now”.

Another day my friend and I went to Santa Monica and a dad and daughter in a stroller was walking in front of us. He kept appearing. I could feel his heart- meaning whatever pain he had in his heart, I could feel it.

When he appeared again, I started talking to him. I heard “single dad”. I asked him what his ethnicity was. He said Mexican and Puerto Rican.

I said “oh funny I had a dream I met a Mexican family”. He said “oh weird because my ex had a dream that I wasn’t the one and she left me”.

We talked to him for awhile and told Him God loved Him, God never leaves a lost sheep alone.

It’s not an easy calling. I went to 14 countries in one year, the first year of ministry. God led me and provided for me. Sometimes I got attacked verbally by the lost sheep, wounded people hurt people. They’re not all easy cases.

I had to heal from ministry too.

But I understand the pain of being rejected because I was rejected too.

By my own family, by a church, by friends even.

Yet, you, maybe you, are not lost, but found.

You’ve been searching for your family for so long…and you’ve found me. 

You’ve found someone who won’t judge, and they are all there, somewhere. You will find them. I know you will. I meet them everyday. These warriors. They are beautiful. Tattooed, bald, beautiful, long haired, short haired, a little bit different, creative, wounded. 

God never leaves a sheep alone, He finds them.

If you are feeling alone, you are never alone…

But you need people who understand you…

Why don’t you try reaching out, why don’t you message someone who you’ve admired, why don’t you risk rejection or judgement, and put yourself out there. 

Why don’t you ask to sit with someone.

God has often asked me to sit with a stranger at a restaurant or at a bar. These are people who need mending and healing in their hearts.

I am healing too.

You are not alone. I’ve been neglected and abandoned too. I’ve been wounded.

None of us are alone in it.

Come out of hiding.

Give a gift to this ministry or for my birthday, thank you! God bless you.

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God’s timing is perfect. I felt a knowing to just get on the bus, sometimes I get off somewhere just knowing that I have to and I meet the person God wants me to meet.

Luke 15 Then Jesus told them this parable:  “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

Some people ask me how I knew my calling.

I asked God one night- “God whats is my calling?”

Then He answered to me one morning “you are a pastor to lost sheep”.

And yes I had questions and He did answer. Trust me, I did not understand at first. I had to look up the verse above. I had to struggle with God. I had just sold everything to follow Him, being led by the spirit, not knowing where I was going to live, living at the korean spa one night, then a hotel, then crashing at a friend’s place, then going to another state to minister to a girl I met online….then yah just going by the Spirit everyday…

 

Stop. All Way. Smell the Roses.

Taking a walk has become my new favorite hobby, it’s so enlightening.

Oh dear, what a week.

 I spent $1 in the last 2 days, pretty impressive.

 One night I really felt like dancing, so I called up a few friends and went out. We found FREE parking in Hollywood, I only spent $1 for tipping the bartender for water. It sounds pretty ridiculous, but this is my life now.

 You start to appreciate the small things though.

 Yesterday I was driving my roommate to the fashion show, we exited the wrong exit and suddenly I turned and saw this sign “Dick Church’s Restaurant”. I froze and started laughing uncontrollably. Lauren started cracking up because she thought it was funny how funny I thought the whole ordeal was. We saw a really cute coffee shop and I pointed it out.

 “If only we had money”- Lauren said.

I nodded.

“Yah I shouldn’t be swiping my credit card”- I said.

We nodded.

And then of course we started laughing.

“Jesus give us free coffee!” I cried out.

 When we got to the venue, the salon girl gave me a shot of expresso in a free coffee. Wow.

And then I got free subways because I was a designer. People think once you’re called “a designer”, you’re probably really loaded. It’s not true.

 I was so blessed yesterday, I even got a free swag bag with a black tank top I really needed. Sometimes I think, why am I still supporting two organizations when I can’t even pay for my own food. I’m not sure, but I’m trusting God to provide for something I can’t see yet.

 I had a dream the other night that I was in China and I had to go home on a train. However, it would cost $140 but I didn’t have the money. I freaked out.

 Another recollection of our life together:

Me driving.

Lauren and I were talking about being completely free from rent, living in a car perhaps.

“It would be so great to be free, to just focus on loving people”- She said.

 “Yah, I thought about buying a Volkswagen bus and road tripping. It’s a great place to sleep” – I said. Plus I can just bring all my musical instruments with me! I can busk and do all sorts of things.

 “Okay, but what about just have physical stability. Where do you poop and kitchen wise?” – I asked.

 “Oh yah, and where do we plug in our laptop?” – She said.

 “Oh yah.”

 “Oh. Nevermind. Haha”- she said.

I suppose it seems a bit pitiful the way we’re living, but I’m starting to appreciate it. It really motivates me to think creatively.

 “What can I sell to make some cash? Or what skills can I offer to make some cash?” I ask…

As long as I don’t have to sell my body, I’m willing to clean toilets and be a maid. I mean, at this point, you can’t really be proud. It’s sad that one time my friend said, “oh I didn’t think you would apply for a café job because you’re too above it”. I don’t ever want to become like that. That’s too pitiful….to become someone who is too proud to do ‘lowly’ things. That’s scary to me.

 You really lose the beauty and simplicities of life. If I sat around and had everything I wanted, I probably wouldn’t think outside the box. I don’t know what’s coming, but it’s been a prolonged journey of working, trying really hard, and well, sometimes finding little results. Yet, I keep persevering, knowing the prize is there…but also smelling the rose every moment, which is more important than attaining the prize. The prize is here.

The prize is having people to support you through it all.

Insane Woman, Turned History Maker

I like to state my womanhood. I am a woman. I like to state it often because I embrace my womanhood.

They were, perfectly trimmed nails, manicured, perfectly waxed eyebrows, pssssttttt, seniorita, fake tanned, up-tities, gleaming lips with smack of lipgloss and perfect teeth with extra help. Fur lining their coat, fox, animal. Money blinging up and down from their toes, to their shoes, to their dresses, gleaming on their ears. Flash, choke, drown.

Drowning in luxury.

I was this ordinary woman sitting behind the booth watching as flocks and flocks of beautiful aged women walked in with their diamond rings and bags, swaying in their heels. Diamonds could not hide the wrinkles lining their eyes, their fingers, crispy and dried. I tried not to think about it, but suddenly my face froze and I zoned out.

“I can’t imagine being that woman when I’m 80 and I don’t want to be. If all our lives were…were about our outward appearance, and when I’m 70 I have perfect manicures, tattooed eyebrows, money to flood a nation….yet, no purpose, no meaning, no goals and passion…and all I did was get pedicures and have little lunch parties? and attend fundraisers (oh God bless fundraisers, without money we wouldn’t be able to fund many non-profits), but just in that moment, I zoned out and thought this…

I don’t want to be that, whatever that is.”

When I’m 70, I don’t want to spend money on all that. I want to have built orphanages with the money that could have gone to fox animal furs, diamonds, houses, rings…I want to have rescued kids from brothels, women from abuse, men from abuse…I want to have done something greater than just prove that ‘I made a lot of money in this lifetime’.

Later today, I bumped into several Hyatt hotel housekeepers. “I gotta go home now, and tomorrow I come again”- said this one cleaning person. I thought to myself, “to have the discipline and faithfulness to keep going even though you are doing mindless work…that is perseverance”. He helped me get my load off the elevator.

Suddenly, I was struck with a paradox. These well manicured, perfectly curled haired of a women would probably not raise a hand to help an ordinary woman unloading stuff off an elevator….but an ordinary, probably struggling housekeeper would find it easy to serve another human being. I was so struck with an epiphany, I almost zoned out again.

Having struggled for the past month, getting criticism about my choice of becoming a self-starter, shit from people I thought I trusted, eating ramen some days, denying my boba cravings, getting criticism from my buyers, etc….and just getting inundated with shit. I saw many things clearly.

It’s funny how we need to be drowned in dung, criticisms, hardships – to see life ever SO FREAKEN CLEARLY. 

I am so grateful for the hardships and tears I went through in the past month. So grateful. There were times I found myself doubting the inkling of my identity, times I cried while walking in downtown LA, calling a friend quick- “I’m in shit, can we talk?”.

Times I thought to myself, “what is the very purpose for which I’m created”.

Things have started to turn around, my 12 readers that do read my blog posts. Perseverance and prayers have paid off. Fate has claimed its way in my destiny. I’m victorious in my little, finding hope in the essence of love. I met people who reminded me of who I am…people who grabbed a hold of my vulnerable heart and whispered encouragement, spoke into it my deepest desires, and pushed me to get up even when blood was dripping out of my nose, my knees were wounded by rocks, back with layers of scabs, head almost insane from hunger and insanity, confusion at times. Some were close friends, some were new friends, but all were in tune with the desires of my soul. Rather than mock me for my insanity, which I am insane 99.9% of the time (1% of the time I’m sane when I listen to naysayers), they joined my insanity and became my risk-taking comrades.

We will destroy the system of conformity and complacency. We will form new beauty and create a society based on love, not profit. We will allow uniqueness to flourish and romance in the specialty of being an individual, yet conspire in being always together in our insanity. We will let the moment take us by the hand, feet with music, not by logic.

Because who said life was logical? In fact, some of the greatest history makers were insane in their own time.

Yes, if you didn’t know – you are reading a history makers’ blog.

It’s a big, huge, claim to make- maybe even a little narcissistic, but I’ve been through too much crap to give up making sense of this beautiful life. I claim what I claim because I know this is true.

What about you?

From the top of a hotel I stayed in Taiwan last year for a night. It was the best solid alone time I ever got.

Intuition told me this photo represents what I’m talking about- you can do the analyzing.

Great America, Excessive Wealth to Buy Excessive Stuff

Great America. The Great American Dream. Haven’t you heard of it? It’s where people create their own futures, get great jobs,  have money so they can buy a house that they will spend the next 40 years  paying off,  or buy 3 too many cars.

It’s where the culture of accumulation and materialism  and  “not having enough” even though most of us are at a the top 1% of the world’s  most well off population. Great America. That is what we have come to.

Instead of great jobs, great entrepreneurs, many have succumb to endless hours  sitting on our asses in a cubicle and office that has no windows, ventilation, or soul.

Do we really need to have “excessive wealth” as backup “just in case”? Just in case  my leg falls off while I’m sitting on my ass…just in case, my wrist breaks while I’m typing 8 hours a day. Oh just in case, while I’m driving from work to home, home to work, almost 365  days per year, I crash into a pole because I’m so damn tired of the job, my mind goes blank when I drive. Do we really need the excessive wealth to buy our 20th pair of jeans that NO ONE  WILL SEE except our bosses, as if we care that our asses looked good while we sit on it 8 hours a day.

Or our Ferrari’s and Mercedez that cost us a year to save up for, only for our  coworkers and bosses to look at. As if driving from home to work needs such an expensive car. Because we’re so depressed from being imprisoned for 40 plus hours a week,  on the weekends, we binge drink and waste the money we just earned, or we go compulsive shopping to fill up  our already spilling over wardrobe.

Having nothing much has really caused me to see that our excessive wealth  does not really lead us to happiness. So how come we still force ourselves to work at jobs we hate to  afford expensive meals, mortgage, expensive cars… when in fact, all we need is the essentials- people who love us.

I propose that NOT having enough is actually only a mentality of a mind. You can have a lot of money and still think you don’t have enough. Contentment is from within.

Pamela Slim in “Escape From Cubicle Nation” talks about Essential vs. Social Self. Essential being the natural self that you are when you’re born, social is that moment when you realize “smiling at the right time” makes your mom happy. Thus, we construct social self to basically MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY. These things are the very things that cause us to stay in a situation or job we hate- because we want to please people or not have them look down on us.

Music Days Are Plenty

I had one of the many AWESOME music days in Australia.

In the afternoon, I met up with my Tumblr friend, that I met on Tumblr and went to University of Melbourne to listened to this band called Sex on Toast. The guy was so hilarious, he made these hilarious expressions throwing up his hand and down as though he had to say something really important. Of course what he sang, was about mainly “making love”. That was interesting, especially when he grabbed a hot dog from the BBQ stand and started to eat and sing at the same time.

Then I PRAYED SO HARD that the second time going to the Arts Centre that I would get the student rate since the first time, the lady said my ID didn’t prove I was a student that year. THANK GOD it was this chill guy that totally let me get the student rate to see Rhinoceros Love, a Beijing Production and this Indian show.

Anyways, I met a bunch of awesome Australian friends today – thanks to Phoebe, who planned a night at pizzas and jazz….jazz which was so bomb, I got lost, so lost in the music.

Tumblr actually is good for making friends- I traveled 13.5 hours and met a Tumblr follower!!