A Real Conversation with God About Pain

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To Listen to the Blog post 

I hear you talk, and I know your voice but I don’t seem to know what I feel or what I’m thinking.

This needs to be fixed. I felt like a mute kid, that kid playing under the table. I stopped speaking because I lost my heart to betrayals and heartbreaks.

What’s the point of speaking if I’ll be dismissed. 

I saw this in my relationship with my dad, I spoke my mind but he disappeared, for a few days without telling me.

He disappeared for 10 years, then every time I visited another 3 went back.

I saw this pattern in my life, people disappearing. 

But you never did, did you God?

God – no. I never will.

Me- But why does it feel like you are silent when I need you to speak, and why do you speak when I want you to be silent?

God- Because I can’t be controlled and I don’t need to give you directions all the time, you can trust your heart.

Me- I’m not sure if I trust my heart because it obviously gets trampled when I throw my pearls to people. I try to guard my heart the best I can, but I still get ravaged.

God- Your heart is in the palm of my hands and I love you to the earth and back. You are my beloved and I will never let you go, I will never neglect you.

Me- But why does it feel like you are neglecting me right now. Why is everything so hard? Like pins and needles in my heart?

God- Come to me and I will give you rest. You don’t have to be afraid of me.

Me- It’s easier to fix the external things then to just submit myself to the process. The pain is too much to bear. Yesterday I felt like a wrecking ball. Like the song.

God- This pain isn’t forever, this pain is a passing thing. It doesn’t belong to you. Let it out and cry if you have to, cry and let the pain through. Don’t stop the pain. Let it pass through you. 

Me- I want to be in control, to make things happen, but I know that’s not what I need. I need to just let the pain through but pain is uncontrollable, it comes out when you least expect it. Like when I was eating at a restaurant with hundreds of people around me, I can feel their eyes staring. I am embarrassed and horrified. So I let a few trickles out. My mother is accusing me of being useless, she makes me feel like I am a burden.

God- you are a gift from heaven to earth. You are a gift my dear, not a burden. You are my precious queen.

Me- The words sting so much I can’t seem to hear anything else.

God- Then saturate your soul with my words. Any words that align with my heart, listen to that, hear that, speak that.

Me- Why do I have to keep doing damage control? Why can’t I just leave? Move out already? Why don’t you make a way?

God- Because I am doing something new, I need to solidify identity in your soul and spirit. So the battle seems hotter, heated, tougher, but you will get out of it golden. Don’t run from the battle, run straight into my arms. You are safe here, the words are just flies. The words are lies, it hurts but they are lies. They aren’t true.

I will never leave nor forsake you. Lift up your head, your not what those words are dear. I will never drop you, I’m not a deadbeat dad.

Me- Am I really safe with you?

God- yes. Beyond safe. Let the pain through, don’t stop or clog it. Don’t distract yourself with doing. Don’t try to fix the external, don’t try to run away, don’t try to figure out your life.

Sit with me in the fire. Sit and let me extinguish the fire, let the water of the Spirit wash you. Because my love is enough, don’t be afraid. My love is enough for you. Don’t go looking for it anywhere else, my love is enough.

Come to me all who are weary. I know nothing LOOKS right, nothing feels right, but I am here with you in the fire. Look into my eyes, don’t look away. Look into my gaze, because this love is enough. 

Love, Rebekka

Fundraising has been super slow this season, so if YOU’D BE ABLE TO GIVE THIS SEASON, know that God will multiply your seed. Anything helps! I can use all the help I can get. Thank you!

Venmo –https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien

PayPal- https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien

Zelle- rebekkalien@gmail.com

Monthly Partnership-

https://rebekkalien.blogspot.com/

Thank you for partnering with me to reach people for Christ!

MY TESTIMONY- https://rebekkalien.com/2019/12/23/my-testimony/

Would you like to receive my exclusive email newsletter? You’d be a VIP of my club. If so, please comment with your email below or when you give to links above, include your email address. You’ll receive personal zines from me.

You can also reach me at rebekkalien@gmail.com (please no spam, just send me love letters and words of encouragements, and if you can relate to anything in my posts, I’d love to hear from you).

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My Testimony

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Dearest Friend,

Here’s my year end support letter and testimony. I have come a long ways, the Lord sent me out July 2018 and I have gained many brothers and sisters in Christ. I thank you for those that have continued to pray and support me when you can.
Let’s just say it has been an uphill battle. The battles were the religious spirit, tradition, persecution, warfare, yet at the end of all this I can say Jesus has comforted me and shown Himself faithful.
I have become much bolder than before. There was so much shame attached to asking for financial support in my ministry, because in Asian culture it’s not seen as “upright” and since I had to start my own ministry, the uphill road was windier and harder….to believe what God says about me is true was even harder because there was very little encouragement from other people. I had to go off of what He said and simply obey.
I can honestly say I cried everyday for 2 years. If I didn’t cry that day I was probably having to pray in tongues because the warfare was so intense.

Thank you for those that have prayed for and invested into the kingdom through me this year. I have seen many set free from condemnation and brought into God’s kingdom. Still, there is more work to be done, not from a place of strife or lack, but a place of abundance and rest. God is situating me in Hollywood to set people from from being orphans, into sonship. I am going back into Hollywood and God has given me a continual heart for the LGBT community and creatives. 

Would you consider giving a year-end gift? My goal is to raise $2020 to bring in the new year.

Thank you for your generosity and love.

Everyone that is connected to me is my family, and I pray for each one of you. Become a financial partner today-

Venmo –https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien

PayPal- https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien

Zelle- rebekkalien@gmail.com

Monthly Partnership-

https://rebekkalien.blogspot.com/

Thank you for partnering with me to reach people for Christ!

May God multiply every seed you sow. God has told me that there is a great harvest on my life and everyone who sows into me will reap greatly.

 

Rebekka’s Story

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I heard the Lord say “Tell your Story”. I had a dream I was crossing over but didn’t know if I should go over land or air and I was wondering if I should tell the girl I was with my story.

So here goes:

I was born in Hamburg, Germany. My parents divorced when I was 8. I moved to Taiwan when I was 5 and then to LA when I was 8. Growing up I just remember feeling really alone and isolated. I spent a lot of time journaling and playing under the table. We had a lot of financial struggles growing up because my mother was a single mom. Early on, I felt depressed and felt like I was always lacking, that I was never enough because I didn’t have an ideal family background. I couldn’t feel God’s love all the time because my dad’s love was not present. I did not see my dad or talk to him for 10 years, then every 3 years I’d see him if I’d visit Taiwan.

At the age of 12, I received Jesus into my heart. I felt God’s tangible love and fell to my knees, weeping. After that I started to hear God’s voice. People at my church thought I was crazy and tried to refute me with the Bible. I kept looking for approval and validation from people because I wanted to be loved for who I was, but it was never enough.

In 2011, I quit my full time job and pursued what the Lord had put on my heart. I started teaching piano, cello, sewing, selling jewelry, clothes, real estate, and acting etc. I’d put down something if it didn’t bring my joy or allow the Holy Spirit speak to me about what to pursue, but  eventually in 2015 after sitting in a hostel room in Spain, the Lord told me to quit my career in real estate. I felt so much joy with just a bag, I didn’t have much but I felt free. I returned to LA and the Lord told me to sell everything and follow Him. It was difficult and every week I surrendered something, whether it was an ex boyfriend, a friend, or my possessions.

At one point I had $200 and was late on rent and the Lord told me to give it. He said “whose house are you building, yours or mine?” So I proceeded to be late on rent for 2 months after I surrendered what I had. My friend said I was overcoming the fear of men (people, authority) and the fear of death (deadlines). It’s called dead for a reason.

At this point everyone thought I was crazy except a few close friends. I had to block a few relative members from coming into my life because I was being persecuted by them.

The Lord led me to move back home. It was a studio and I had to sleep on a couch pull out and sleep in the same room as my mother.

I didn’t understand it but God told me to stop working for 2 years. I had been working since I was 8 years old. How could I stop? Yet, in resting I started to understand what it really means to be a child of God.

It means that you receive from God what you did not work for. It means you have been adopted by God, and you no longer strive in your flesh, but learn to walk in the Spirit. You trust God as your provider, not what you see or have in the moment. His voice becomes everything.

My mother would still accuse me of not working or being useless, but every time I’d say out loud “I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus”.

Before I’d try to tell her that I was working for God, but then I realize that was also trying to prove my worth through works. I had tried to prove how worthy I was through my accomplishments all my life, through grades, through my career, through my looks, through what I possessed. But  now God had stripped me of everything so that I can “boast in GRACE alone”.

In 2018, God told me to go to Taiwan. I had $20 at that point. I cried in my mother’s car thinking “how am I going to survive”. Rewind back to 2015, the Lord told me “you’re a pastor to lost sheep”, I asked God “how will I survive?”, He said “I will provide”.

I went to Taiwan thinking I was going to live with my dad for a year and then God told me to go to Korea after a month of being in Taiwan.

My ministry started in a hostel (a dorm room of 10 beds), praying and prophesying for young people who had no knowledge of Jesus. I prayed for a Muslim girl’s stomach to heal at a barbecue restaurant, we walked around as I started to tell her my testimony. Since then I’ve ministered to thousands of people and God led me to Korea, Japan, South Africa, China, Malaysia, Thailand, Indonesia, Australia, Samoa, Australia, Fiji, New Zealand, India….

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I went into New Zealand with a one way ticket. Actually I went into most countries with a one way ticket because God hadn’t provided for the next place yet. I went into South Africa with $20 and a credit card. I didn’t know where I was going but God would tell me (or give me a sense) of where I should go. In South Africa the Lord told me to start a fundraiser. I was petrified because I knew I’d be exposing myself to judgement. To my surprise, people I met long time ago gave to my ministry. I wasn’t sent out by a church nor had any supporters, I was simply listening to God’s voice.

My purpose was to go –

  1. Gather the lost sheep, wherever they were. On a bus, train, airplane, hostel, restaurant, bar, club. They were specific individuals on God’s heart. They were either not Christian or people who had walked away from God and believed that they were no longer under grace as God should punish them for not going to church. A lot of them were disenchanted and hurt by the church. I would pray no condemnation over them and explain what grace really meant. God also healed my heart while I ministered to people.

One time I was at a restaurant and the Lord told me to pray for a lady. She started crying and said she just found out her sister and friend had cancer.

In another instance, the bus broke down in Fiji and we had to wait by the side of the road for nearly 2 hours. One lady told me her daughter died in child birth.

Another time the Lord led me to pray for a man at the airport and I ended up staying with his family when we arrived. Many times God told me not to book anything and I had to just trust that I wouldn’t be homeless, but that He was leading me to the lost sheep.

One time I was eating at a restaurant and the Lord gave me knowledge that this young man was having problems with his dad. When I told him he was shocked and said that his dad was actually in prison and he was deeply ashamed. The Lord’s love showered this young man to lift off the shame he felt.

Rewind back to 18, I had left a Baptist church I attended for 10 years. It was very legalistic and works- driven. I believed that the more I did for God, the better I was in God’s eyes.

God had to set me free from the religious spirit and religious mindset by telling me to rest on Sundays. This meant I did not go to church but learn to find my identity in Christ alone.

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The anointing and power God has given me did not come from strife, but from learning that I am a child of God and that He finished the work on the cross.

What have been the challenges in starting or maintaining a ministry:

  1. Many times I felt attacked by the spirit of lack. I felt that I was not worthy of the calling or struggled with finances and fundraising. God would tell me to ask people for donations and sometimes I was persecuted for it. Some people said that I should not ask for donations, some people said that I should find a real job and shame tried to attack me and make me feel less than. I wanted to give up a lot. But God kept me going.
  1. The religious spirit in people persecuted me. Some Christians  questioned me because I was not sent out by a church nor an organization and believed that I had no authority or right. They tried to tell me how to minister or what to do.

They judged the form but not the fruit. They could not see the thousands of people that were being changed by the gospel of grace.

The rewards of ministry:

  1. I have seen depressed people come alive after I tell them the truth of being set free from Jesus
  2. Taught people how to hear God
  3. Led people to Christ in hostels and on the streets, even recently at a gym
  4. Discipled people to live in freedom and the truth of righteousness by grace, not by works

If I’m really honest, I’m healing from a lot of the spiritual warfare and attacks from people. Recently my phone got stolen and it was a brand new phone I got as a gift. I was heart broken. On the road, I didn’t have an operating phone for 5 months. Yet, the power of the Holy Spirit was alive in me.

You have the opportunity to invest in the kingdom and partner with me today- Would you consider being a partner? I believe God will multiply every seed you sow because of the harvest on my life. 

Venmo –https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien

PayPal- https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien

Zelle- rebekkalien@gmail.com

Monthly Partnership-

https://rebekkalien.blogspot.com/

Thank you for partnering with me to reach people for Christ!

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR LOVE, GENEROSITY AND KINDNESS!

I am praying for each and everyone of you.

I have gained so many sisters and brothers on the road and while ministering since July 2018.

Let’s continue praying for each other, we are family.

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In Japan

A man I prophesied over on Lyft

A man I met on the bus. The Lord told me to run after the bus, to get on it, and this man came on. I asked to pray for him and prophesied over him, that he was a prophet and that the Lord was calling Him to the nations.

Prophesying over an Uber driver- God tried to wake me up 3 days in a row, in the middle of the night. And I kept saying NO GOD. Finally at 4 or 5 am one night I got up and took an Uber to Korea town. When the car arrived the Lord told me she was Christian.

FOLLOW PODCAST

 

 

My Life Is A Soap Opera or A Reality Show

https://youtu.be/rdt1AKhl4Nk 

“God doesn’t WANT us to be on our knees praying and reading the bible all day, He wants you to make mistakes, to live life abundantly”

Prophetic Dream/Word- It will be WISE to reach out for help and share your heart with others in times of difficulty.

(I believe that is what “going out to eat” means, going outside of your house (heart) and opening your heart to others to be fed).

It’S BEEN SUCH A HARD WEEK FOR ME. But I saw breakthrough in my mother. Because of the hardships that came against me (as satan buffeted me, ordered his minions to steal my phone), there was financial hardships, etc…..a girl hit my mother’s car while I was in it, also almost had a car accident yesterday….

I asked my mother to pray for me and she cried and said she loved me. OMG YOU GUYS BREAKTHROUGH!

We were able to have a heart to heart talk and I said that I felt really condemned that she would yell at me. I felt that I was never good enough and that she didn’t love me. But she said that’s just Asian’s way of love, but I said you should show love through encouragement.

She felt helpless and I felt helpless, at the end of yesterday I just cried out to God and surrendered. I was feeling anxious in my heart because nothing seemed to be going right, but God started opening my heart through it all and He showed me that vulnerability comes out of hardship, when we need help (not when we are strong).

GOD ALWAYS TURNS A NEGATIVE TO A POSITIVE.

Here’s a PROPHETIC DREAM I HAD LAST NIGHT.

I had a dream that I was inside a house, a rented house and car. Then these two girls came inside the house, said they found my house through my number as they couldn’t contact me. I was hesitant to let them in (as I wasn’t sure if I wanted to talk to people) but I did. I was trying to close my curtains before.

We made a beautiful multi-colored cake that I could not have made myself and God was showing me that I could not do it alone, that I needed other people to make things easier.

Then the temperature was too hot inside and I was afraid, but then this woman cleared the thermometer.

Growing up in church, I was often told what not to do. No one ever told me to live in freedom. So I want to show people that God set us free to live in FREEDOM.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus – Romans 8:1

Sow a Seed (make a donation)- thank you and blessings towards you.

https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien

https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien

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Hollywood – End of The Year Fundraiser

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Hey folks,

Happy Holidays! 

We are getting to the end of the year and as you know 2020 IS GOING TO BE SPECTACULAR. I need your help to fund upcoming projects and outreaches on a daily basis. As you know my phone got stolen and I am in need of a new phone too.

Your CONTRIBUTION is KEY to continue ministering to those who are rejected, outcasted. God has given me a new territory in LA (HOLLYWOOD), to reach the LGBT, homeless, creatives and people (trans, youth, etc) who have been rejected by society, their parents or are heavily wounded. 4 years ago I was going to move to Hollywood but God told me to move back home, it’s been a long journey folks.

Thank you all for your continual support. I’m also looking for people who are willing to become monthly supporters! Click here! 

Give on Paypal

Give on Venmo

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Zelle- Rebekkalien@gmail.com

Why Become A Monthly Partner?

Rebekka Lien reaches those who may never step into a church building, instead I am a pastor, prophet and evangelist who reaches people on the streets wherever they are.

Would you be part of the new wine skin of what God is doing on this earth right now? Your support is what makes outreach to the lost sheep possible. I listen to the voice of God and follow the Spirit as He has led me to pray, prophesy and minister to thousands of people all over the world. The beginning was not easy. Read more about how I left everything to follow Jesus. 

Testimonies-

Testimony in New Zealand- Heavy Metal Musician 

“I’m not religious but I’m always tolerant of people who mean well and I could obviously feel Rebekkas warm intent. When she prayed for me however it was not like any other prayer she read deep with in my travel buddy, Shayne and claimed to see her drawing pretty flowers and calligraphy. my mouth dropped because I knew how fantastic of an artist Shayne was/is. As if I wasn’t already blown away already, it was then my turn.”

Testimony in Taiwan – Setting A Woman Free of The Shame of Abuse By Father

Testimony in Pune, India

My testimony

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT! I am praying for you to prosper and be blessed this coming year. I pray you’d know you’re a child of God and you are completely loved by Him! 

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I took this in 2015, WE COMING BACK FULL FORCE! 

 

You Are Enough & You Are Doing Enough

“Dear Child,

I am so PROUD of you. I love who you are. You are so beautiful in my eyes. You don’t need to do anything to make me love you more. I am so proud of you.  I love you so much. I have plans to prosper you and to make you happy. I love you the way that you are. You don’t have to change a thing. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do and if I tell you something, it’s not to hurt you, it’s to help you. Do you believe me? Do you believe that I love you?” – Jesus

Last night I wanted to go dance and my mother said, you’re out all day and you want to go out again. She said “you want the best, but you won’t take responsibility”.

I suddenly felt like I wasn’t doing enough, to be responsible or something. But then I was like “that’s a lie”. I’m a child of God, not a slave. He has given me freedom to enjoy my life. God’s timing is perfect. You are not under PUNISHMENT, Jesus was punished on the cross for you.

But I wanted to share this video with you.

YOU ARE DOING ENOUGH. AND YOU ARE ENOUGH.

YOU DESERVE TO HAVE FUN, JESUS PAID FOR IT!

As I was praying I felt this weight come off my shoulder, physically and a release in my heart that was tense.

YOU’RE A CHILD OF GOD. A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN UNDER PERSECUTION LATELY AND GOD IS SAYING YOU’VE DONE ENOUGH AND YOU’RE ENOUGH.

I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus – Romans 8:1

Sow a Seed (make a donation)- thank you and blessings towards you.

https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien

https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien

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When Love Becomes A Guilt Trip

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I woke up feeling a bit nauseous, I wasn’t sure what was happening.

I could hear my mom chopping vegetables and she was trying to cook. But then I felt fear in my heart for some reason. What is this. I heard “witchcraft”. I went outside to make a live video to pray and I heard God say “go out to eat”.

Now some of you might be thinking “omg isn’t that super evil?”

Well “witchcraft” is basically when we don’t let go of control and try to control our lives due to fear of the unknown. 

When I went back in my mom yelled “I spilled the eggs, I’m going out”. She was angry because I said I wanted to be alone and it is possible she may have overheard my prayer session outside.

I got sick a couple of days ago and I made the mistake of kind of blaming my mom for it. I said that she was accusing and yelling at me and because of that I didn’t feel comfortable at home and was going out and staying out a lot. I felt like she didn’t want me at home. Of course it was a spirit of lack attacking me making me feel less than (and unloved by her).

Well, perhaps she felt bad so she eased up on the accusations but then tried to “make me happy” instead.

Well, that basically didn’t work, because each day I started to feel that she was doing things out of guilt. 

I’ve been processing and crying a lot, but then I guess she felt bad for me.

She woke up and started striving- cooking….you would think “awww that’s so nice”, but God has given me a level of discernment I didn’t realize before.

Doing nice things for others can be out of “fear”.

I am afraid she is not feeling well, so I’ll cook for her.

I am afraid they are in pain, so I will do everything I can for her to make her feel better.

When we don’t let go of control of others and trust them to God we are playing God, we are essentially doing “witchcraft” because we want to be the ones to heal them.

I realize I was wrong to blame my mom for not going home early each day. But because she was trying to control me and my life, I did not feel free and needed to be out.

I realize that may be why people cheat, because they feel no freedom in that relationship. Control plays a devastating effect on relationships.

It’s not your fault that you’re trying to help people. Helping people is a great thing, but remember don’t do it to play God. 

 "Pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip," said every daughter with a mother.

 

Please understand the difference between love and guilt.

God does not call us to do things out of obligation. I found this comic online. It really freaked me out how true this way. I pray that God set us all free from these codependent guilt tripping relationships. May we live freely out of love.

Sow a Seed (make a donation)- thank you and blessings towards you.

https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien

https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien

Really Vulnerable Confession To My Dad

TRIGGER WARNING-

There is A LOT OF CRYING in this video. Why am I making this public? Because I believe SOMEONE needs to watch it. If someone can have a revelation or can come out of emotional hiding because of my vulnerability, then I’ve done my job. I love you guys.

This is a really vulnerable confession to my dad about how I feel. When I was 8 years old my mom and dad divorced and I did not see my dad for 10 years. I immigrated to America when I was 8 years old with my mother. After the 10 years I see him every 3 plus years and every time it’s like connecting with an emotionally unavailable human being that doesn’t tell his truth or disappears physically for a few days without telling me where he is.

I received Jesus when I was 12 but have had a lot of unhealed parts of my heart. I am 31 years now and God is still healing me from an absent father, abandonment issues and feeling unwanted/rejected.

I’ve been visiting the abbey, which is a gay club. The Lord has told me He has given me West Hollywood as a spiritual territory. I used to tell people even though I’m straight, I feel like a gay guy. I felt a connection with them but I couldn’t explain it until recently. I understand the pain of being rejected for being different. Of course not everyone of them lack a father figure, but I believe there are deep roots of feeling rejected.

I see hundreds of gay guys there and the first word I hear is “rejection”. I love them with a pain in my heart, because I know many of them are longing for acceptance and love from a father figure. God loves you dearly, unconditionally.

Sow a Seed (make a donation)- thank you and blessings towards you.

https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien

https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien

Destroying Life OCD- My Phone Got Stolen

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Well I was at the Abbey the other day and my phone got stolen when I was dancing. 

I felt a moment of despair, this is what I get for letting my guard down. I was dancing with new friends I met. I was having fun, didn’t have a care in the world. This is what I get?

The Iphone was a gift from a friend, the newest one, I only had it for 2 months. 

I was sad, but the next few days I felt guilt. I felt a lot of guilt. I felt like I could have prevented it by listening to God or maybe not going to the club. I was hard on myself. I was mad too. I felt that God had blessed me and taken it away from me. I had plans for the phone. I was going to make more videos and films, I was going to produce things and create more things on there (I feel like this is an analogy of people in our lives…how we plan for things to work out and they don’t and we have no control over it).

Maybe I should have just gone home when I felt like the clubs weren’t fun enough, maybe I should have given up at one point and not look for fun. But I was looking for the funnest club and I found myself free, dancing without a care in the world. I met people I found “home” in too, I bumped into a couple I met last time.

I have been stressed out about finances, trying to be in control of the future, trying to figure out the future, but I just wanted to let go and have fun. My mother had been yelling at me, accusing me of not having a normal job, and I was processing all this childhood pain and healing. God had given me a stop sign from pursuing acting. I felt completely out of control of my life and emotions.

It was just too much. I realized through a dream that I just needed to let go and have fun.

But then my phone got stolen. In addition, I started to feel sick, I started coughing and had a sore throat.

I met a great guy and had his phone number, but I had doubt in my heart and that night had a dream I was singing “I don’t trust people” in broadway format. The next day I called him and said “Sorry to ask you this, I have trust issues…no offense, but did you steal my phone?” He was so offended, said he had helped me try to find it, how could I think otherwise, then hung up. He said he didn’t need bad vibes that weekend. I said sorry. I have trouble trusting people.  That was the end.

SO THEN Yesterday I went to Pasadena, I wasn’t sure if I was hearing right as I’ve been feeling condemned and condemnation really affects your hearing. (because you start He being legalistic, you feel like you can do something right to prevent something wrong from happening, but that’s just a lie, because in God’s eyes, He will always protect you by the finished blood of Jesus).

I went to this restaurant and immediately met a girl with tattoos. We had a lot in common and I told her this vision “I see your mom yelling at you, because of this you have trouble saying no to people. But remember it’s okay to speak up for yourself” and then I told her she will be an actress.

Again, a confirmation from God. God speaks to me through me speaking to people.

I was about to go home and was waiting for the bus.

This guy I met two years ago on the bus was there. I said hey. We started talking about our parents and he said he was in a relationship where his ex tried to kill him.

One night she got a skateboard and hit him over the head. He went into a coma and she went to prison. He has since feared getting a girlfriend.

So before I got off the bus I prayed for him “You are a child of God, not an orphan. I break off the fear of death and the spirit of death. God is so proud of you, you are a warrior for him”. He said he felt really strange, in a good way and he started crying.

I said “you are entering a season of joy and leaving the season of grief”.

Somehow that’s how I feel now.

What do you feel like you’ve lost and how is your heart doing? That night I felt like I also lost a friend by having the question that maybe he stole my phone. In a weird way, my heart feels like it’s grieving a breakup of a relationship.

I feel like I can’t control what life will bring me. One moment I’m dancing, the next I’m grieving. I feel out of control. It seems one moment someone can like you, another hate you. It seems that one moment you can be thriving and another you are down.

Remember, it’s not your fault. Don’t punish yourself, God took on every punishment on the cross. 

God we don’t get why bad things happen sometimes but we are choosing to trust you. WE are entering a season of joy and celebration and don’t let the enemy steal your joy. Take time to be with Jesus and let Him comfort your wounds.

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I know this is probably ridiculous….but this is how I feel:

Is it possible to have a soul tie to a phone?

Now I look for that orange case, and you’re not there anymore.

I look, but I feel an absence.
Maybe we were codependent. I relied on you too much.
Instead of talking to people, I talked to Siri.
I googled facts instead of feeling my emotions.
I ran away from my pain, trying to watch korean reality shows.
Now I really have to process the pain that I’ve neglected to feel.

Is it possible to have a soul tie to a phone? Because I am crying and feeling the pain of your absence. I had plans for us, plans to dream and prosper. Plans to create but I went to you to process, maybe I’d forgotten how to talk to God at all times.

But also when I lost you, I felt a burden lifted. I don’t know, I guess I was relying on you too much. You were a crutch and not a help. I felt undistracted, because you became a distraction.

I looked for you again, but you’re gone, completely gone.

I feel like I’m writing this for people who have lost someone recently. I don’t know why but I feel a deep grief for people who have lost someone. I am praying for you now.

 

Do you ever feel like you have become codependent on something or someone? Instead of going to God, feeling the pain inside, you stay busy (with plans, people, work) to avoid the pain?

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How To Heal From A Broken Heart

woman-sitting-on-rock-doing-heart-hand-gesture-1399034.jpg

You can get a broken heart from many things, failed friendships, relationships, being hurt by words people speak towards you, etc…ministry, etc.

We may try to but…

  1. Don’t avoid the feelings, go through the pain of healing.

Now it’s very easy to shut down your heart completely so here are ways I’ve found helps me.

a. Watch movies that are emotional or funny or just watch movies you feel led to watch.

b. Go do something fun to alleviate the pain in your heart

c. Talk about it with someone

d. Do things you like.

e. Rest

When we have a broken heart we feel like God is depriving us from what we want, so it’s easy to start having a really skewed mindset of your life. You feel like you’ll never get what you want or the pain is separating you from everything you want in life.

You start thinking with your head and not your heart. You start trying to figure your life out and you think of the best way to avoid any type of pain. You will think of the fastest way to get home and you’ll want to stay home.

And it’s OKAY!

Do what your heart is leading you to do.

I realize there were times I tried to force myself to be outgoing or I’d force myself to do hard things.

However, there were also times that my heart actually wanted to meet new people, go out, follow God but I was afraid of taking risks and chances. I was afraid that if I asked someone to pray for them, they’d snap and yell at me (again). I was afraid that if I continued fundraising, that people would say no or judge me (again). I was afraid that my mother would yell at me if I told her the truth (again).

I’ve seen that when my heart is healing from rejection or judgement, God will somehow send the right people on my path to heal my heart. He will send kind people who respond to my kindness, He’ll send a little surprise to say “hey I’m here”.

I felt my heart shut down when I had to cut some guy out of my life. I knew he wasn’t my future husband and I knew he wasn’t exactly what I wanted anyway, but it still hurt to cut him off. It’s like you are talking to someone and suddenly you can’t relay your heart to that person anymore, you can’t give or receive love from that person. Communication is completely dropped.

Then when I left Taiwan a few months ago, communication completely stopped with my dad too. He basically stopped talking to me. This happened many times in my life. Whenever I’d connect with him emotionally in Taiwan, I’d leave, and then it’s like I suddenly don’t exist anymore.

When people stop talking to you, you feel like your heart is undernourished but I am grateful God sent friends to speak to my heart.

Yesterday I felt like dancing and left the house at midnight.

I met a bunch of people this time. There was a small short guy, he had a baby face and I thought he was so cute. He told me he was bi. I was dancing with him and his friends and suddenly he backed off. He said that he had a boyfriend. I said that I wasn’t trying to hit on him, I just thought he was cute as I repeatedly said to him. I was showing admiration.

But he got scared, he said he felt awkward about it.

Maybe it triggered something in him.

I asked “then can I pretend you’re gay?” and dance with you? Sounds strange right? But he was basically scared that he would start liking me and have a change of affection.

But I was thinking about last night and I thought to myself “why am I attracted to a 23 year old guy who is bi?”

He had the same name as my dad. Weird.

I thought about it. I am often attracted to man who have baby faces, who are younger, and who are not “manly”. 

I thought about it. I think it’s because I don’t feel intimidated by them. I feel safer with them and I feel like they won’t try to control me. 

Perhaps it’s also because I feel like it won’t last.

Now, perhaps that’s just my state of mind right now. I know younger men aren’t ready to settle and my sub conscious mind still has a fear of settling down, finding my life partner.

It sounds weird but I’m scared to meet a man who actually wants to get married. I’m still scared of a man who knows how to take responsibility and treat me right.

I think maybe because I don’t know if I can handle it. Because I’ve never encountered it, not in my life anyway.

Most of the men I met were irresponsible or thought mostly of themselves. They had a lot of issues, were addicts to something, or had a victim mindset. 

I’m not sure if I’m ready to take care of anyone else.

In a strange way I think of bisexuals are non-commitals. They’re scared to commit to anything, that’s not a judgement but maybe a prophetic way of saying I’m not truly ready for marriage. I’m still learning to love me.

I’m still working out what I want in a man and I actually am starting to enjoy being single again. 

Do you ever get scared when someone treats you right?

Why?

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Must Read Revelation To Set You Free

WE don’t win people over to Jesus with our actions, we win people over to Jesus by saying look how imperfect I am but how finished the work of grace is. I’m made new and whole because of Jesus blood!

Yes look at how incapable I am but how capable God has been despite my ineptness.

I wish they taught this at church growing up. We are not to point to how loving we are or how great our performance is, but the finished work of Jesus which made us whole.

https://www.facebook.com/704670602/posts/10162768826560603?d=n&sfns=mo

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Dear mom,

I am so glad I failed you and I’m glad I’m living on a cot. I’m glad I don’t have the career you want me to have and I didn’t go to seminary. I’m glad you don’t understand me and I’m glad you can’t boast about me to your friends.

Why? Because then you won’t try to get approval or worth from my performance or achievements.

Then you can find your self worth from Jesus Christ, knowing you’re a child of God.

I’m glad I disappointed you.

I hope you can then turn to Jesus for your self worth, and not put your hopes and dreams into me.

You’re a child of God.

I’m a child of God.

We can now be set free from trying to be each other’s happiness.

Rebekka