Open heart
It’s like open heart surgery, so many knots, so many undone
You push me to love and you keep pouring out your love through me
I want the love to stop because my heart fears that I’ll not be enough
My heart fears that I won’t be able to take the pain of hearing about their pain
I want it to stop but I just cry because it’s in crying that I release the pain
I am able to do all things through Christ who strengthens me
I will go into the pit and dig up people if I have to
I will cross mountains and rescue a starving sheep
I will send a life boat to the drowning sheep
I will even if my heart keeps breaking over and over and over
Your love keeps pouring into me
It’s overwhelming
But I’ve never felt this kind of persevering love
It knows no bounds, is not afraid of the dirt, is not afraid of what is true
It doesn’t fence itself in a white picket fence
Is not afraid to go into the country side, is not afraid of rats and cockroaches, is not afraid to confront demons, is not afraid to break social norms, is not afraid of judgement, is not afraid to speak her mind.

This is a love that has no end, no beginning.

God called me to be a pastor to the lost sheep a few years ago. I didn’t even know it was a thing. I asked God how I was supposed to make a living and He said I will provide.

So here I am writing this from Korea, crossing mountains and oceans for lost sheep.

Confused, helpless lost sheep were my assignments because I was one.

Growing up going to church I faithfully served people thinking that was my mission on earth. When I moved to America I quickly gained mentors that would show me the ways of God. I was a quick disciple, I brought people to church.

But I saw a sad pattern. The people I brought to church, that I loved as friends quickly converted…yet as soon as they converted suddenly joined a conservative Christian group and because I never really fit into the “type” of Christian these groups embodied, I was outcasted.

So the friends that I helped no longer saw me as friends.

I accepted that, but it still hurt.

Because all the rules that these Christian groups created for their “cult” was really to have a sense of control over their followers.

Like growing up an immigrant, moving from country to country, I was again outcasted by the very friends I helped and loved.

Nearing the end of my stay in conventional conservative church, I had a few leaders suddenly accuse me of not taking care of the sheep.

The truth is what happened was I was talking to someone I had to brought to church and some Christian complained that I wasn’t spending time with her because she had problems she wanted to talk to me about.

I was in college then and doing youth ministry.

I thought it was so ironic that I was supposed to take care of everyone, yet what in the hell were the older leaders doing then?

The responsibility of the pastors were to take care of christians, I was always someone who wanted to reach out to outsiders or lost sheep.

I didn’t have enough mouths or hands, I was just one person…yet I was spread soooo thin. I got home one day and started sobbing.
I was so exhausted from being Jesus to people.

This was just the beginning of a long journey of recovery.

One mentor accused me of going the wrong path and she cursed me, saying I’d go down the path of destruction.

I was hurt and confused, wait what just happened here?

When I left the church people had so many agendas to keep me there. Why didn’t I go to them to pray about it?

I was already hearing God’s voice by then and He had clearly told me to move on.

He said I had reached my ceiling there, I couldn’t grow any more there.

I don’t go to church, I am the church. Christians are called to go ye therefore and make disciples. It never says go to church, it says that they gathered and broke bread. What church looks like is christians actually supporting each other, not just listening to a sermon and leaving.

I am reminded of the recent suicide of a young pastor who couldn’t process his hurt with anyone. I wonder if it’s because no one was church to him. He had a church but was there anyone that could cry with him, I’m not talking about his wife…I’m talking about friends that really had his back when things turned to shit.

I get angry when I hear sermons that say “well millenials have no commitment, they don’t want to go to church”. What we have seen is leaders abuse their powers, control their followers, teach the law and legalism (and not grace), go on political rants (when the love of God has nothing to do with which political party you’re in), hate and judge people and so forth.

Am I perfect? No.

But somehow because of what I experienced, my heart aches a lot more for those who have walked away because of church hurt. I’m not talking about walking away from a church building, I’m talking about not being able to open your heart to anyone because of the pain.

The other day a girl I met on the train asked me “does God hate gays?” She had initially stated she wasn’t Christian but afterward said she was kind of Christian.

No – God loves gay people.

He loves everyone. Intensely. I don’t know everything in the Bible, sometimes I don’t get it but I know God is love so God wouldn’t hate anyone.

I have friends that are Christian and gay.

I said that’s all I know- that God loves them.

God keeps breaking my heart more and more. The more I talk to “lost sheep” the more my heart breaks. I feel their hurt and I feel their pain.

Yet in spite of that I have to speak life into that wounded place.

It’s a heavy assignment.

I often feel attacked and oppressed by the enemy. I often feel like I can’t do it anymore. I often want to quit….but in that moment I find myself sobbing with God. God you keep breaking me open.

You keep showing me what your love is like…that you would do anything for the one, the one stumbling and falling on rocks, alone and scared. Shaking in fear.

That reckless love that has no limit.

I never really fit in anywhere and there was a purpose for being so unique…it’s so I can talk to people who don’t fit anywhere too.

I’m a pastor to unicorns, beautiful rainbow unicorns.

God does not require that humans approve of you before you are called. You are called and whether humans approve of you, well it doesn’t matter.

I hear a roar of the rejected ones. Forgive and love. You’ve been hurt but true love comes from forgiveness. Allow the reckless love of God to seep into your soul. Be the church to those who are hurting too.

Together we will show the world that God isn’t what the conventional church painted Him to be….but that He is love.

Love is action, form. Not just a saying. It is not judgemental, it is grace. It is all encompassing, all forgiving. It knows no bounds.

I’ve been living out of a suitcase since July and now I’ve downsized to a smaller carry on.

If I’m honest with you being a pioneer is uncomfortable

If I’m honest with you it’s scary, overwhelming, sometimes I find myself completely feeling lost, like a rat not knowing which way to go in a huge maze.

But that’s what God called Abraham to do- leave your father’s house and GO to a land I will show you.

I had several instances in my life where God called me to just leave the known to follow Him.

Actually my life has been just that- always leaving the comfortable for the uncomfortable.

God will give me some kind of comfort and then say – leave this comfort, leave this wilderness for a more abundant land. Leave this but now you have to confront the giants of fear, discomfort, people’s disapproval, intimidation of the enemy, the discomfort of not having anything familiar.

Your friends change, in fact, you often feel utterly alone…because God doesn’t want you to depend on what you found stability in but on Him alone.

So people will ask me how long will I be here? I don’t know.

I will leave when God tells me to, when my mission is done in this location, when I’ve reached the person He has told me to climb mountains for.

I will leave when I no longer feel darkness oppressing the people here. I will leave when I’ve summoned the angels to destroy satanic strongholds.

And I’ll go not knowing. Every time.

It is uncomfortable because you can’t control where you stay, what traffic noise is outside, you’re uncomfortable because you can’t control what kind of shower or bathrooms you use….you are not in control.

And it is frustrating but I feel my heart say- not my will but yours.

I might not understand what you’re always doing but I trust you.

I might not know how you will provide but I trust you.

I might not have friends that understand the struggle of not knowing but I trust you.

I let go and surrender.

I am yours God.

I will not hold back, I’ll utterly trust you.

This morning I felt God speak so specifically about this subject that I could not wait to run to the library.

Unfortunately the computers are all taken and I’ll be writing this from my phone (believe it or not I haven’t had my own laptop since 2014) and I’m writing just fine.

When SERVING others become codependency.

Growing up with a single mother, I often found my identity and worth in how much value I was bringing to the family and to others. How much was I helping others?

The church I attended also taught this. Serve more and you are a better Christian.

But God is not about striving.

God is.

God does not need to find His worth in how much He has helped you, no He already is. He is love.

So many of us are burdened by responsibilities that are not ours- this is a common tactic of the enemy. He loves to send needy people we can “minister” to. But you know who Jesus ministered to? People who believed that they would be healed by Him.

Not people who said “Jesus heal me” and kept doubting and kept poking Jesus on the arm even after Jesus said “you are healed”.

Most of them said “omg thank you Jesus!” And lived out their belief.

So what are those responsibilities that we carry that aren’t ours?

Peoples’ unbelief.

I am a prophet. I tell you what God has told me about you and your brilliant future.

Okay. Believe.

It is not my job to carry the responsibility of you believing.

If I do, I am acting as you or God.

I can’t believe for you. I can’t take the step of faith, leap for you. I can’t quit your job for you or confront your mother for you. I can’t  break up with your boyfriend for you. I can’t ask your husband to wash the dishes and take on more chores for you.

That is why “serving” can become codependency if we are not careful.

I know society says helping others is a good thing.

But how you help others matter.

Giving money to someone who doesn’t see their worth and rich identity in Christ will always be poor.

Saying to someone “oh woo I feel so bad for you” and complaining with them doesn’t solve the problem. What solves the problem is speaking God’s truth about your identity.

Listening to someone complain doesn’t help them- giving insight in the spirit helps them.

Continually listening and giving insight doesn’t help someone, telling them that God can give them insight directly helps them.

When you stop “needing to be needed” you will stop attracting those who “need to be helped”.

Because when you see your identity in Christ you realize everything you need comes from Jesus. And if Christ is in you, all wisdom comes from within. It’s not outside of you, you have it already.

My trip to Taiwan has been filled with divine appointments and favor.
But if I’m honest, I have been processing through disappointment. Despite all the prophetic words about abundance and a season of new, I can’t help but feel saddened by the things that haven’t happened- I can’t change a person and as much as you pray for them; they may never be what you want them to be.

Take my father for example. I cannot bridge 30 years of very little contact.

The inability to understand him causes me to experience pain, for him and for myself.

It makes me wish that I never even wanted to get to know him or that I even cared. But I do.

It creates such turmoil in my heart because this is where ignorance is stupidly blissful.

But I’m not ignorant, I’m too smart.

I grew up too fast, understood too much too fast.

I saw two people fighting and throwing things.

I can bring these emotions to God. But I often find myself processing these emotions at a train station or a train. It’s like I am often waiting for a train or on a train. That is our life.

We never really arrive; we have already arrived…it’s a place in our hearts that we must create with God.

God I know my life isn’t looking like what I expected but I know you are enough for me.

God I’m going to be vulnerable enough to say this hurts and I’m still hoping because you said it.

Painful faith.

I’ll praise you even when my heart is hurting.

I’ll keep my eyes on you. I don’t understand this process but I trust you Father.

I won’t let circumstances determine my joy. I’ll rest in you God.

God is using my many stories and miracles to show others that even if your father didn’t raise you, God will still take care of you.

And it’s continually trusting God in those very crazy adventures where I am met with the fear monster and I am forced to confront situations that heightens emotions of fear…

That I can say each time, the Lord delivered me, the Lord provided for me, the Lord protected me.

Maybe that’s why He sends me to travel solo (with Him of course).

So that no one can say He’s not real.

Why is it so hard for some of us to take the leap and just trust God instead of our many contingency plans?

Because we’ve never had someone to rely on- so we started to rely on our plans.

Our plans were predictable but they were boring. They also caused us to be stressed because we felt like we needed to control everything. That’s operating out of an orphan mindset. Orphans take care of themselves.

Sons and daughters of God are taken care of by God. We throw our plans out and follow where the spirit leads. We have unconditional trust.

Until you learn to “just leap” you’ll always be bond by the orphan spirit.

Just leap. God will catch you. Even if you have the face the fear monsters. Even if it’s scary and painful. He will not fail you.

Some of us are still holding onto our contingency plans.

We’ve given God some control but not all.

We still have a “savings account” for that rainy day….in case God fails us.

But if you want true freedom, you’ll have to give Him all the control.

You’ll have to throw yourself in. Not just your leg or arm, but all of you.

If you want to follow God you’ll have to be okay not knowing anything, not the future, not the present. You’ll be like a child who trusts their father with total abandon.

When jesus told me to sell everything and follow him in 2015, I didn’t think I’d end up sleeping on a couch futon on the floor, I didn’t think I’d have to battle bugs and cockroaches in the country side in Taiwan, i didn’t think I’d lose friends and family, I didn’t think I’d be accused of by my family for wasting my life and being lazy, I didn’t think it would be this hard.

But I don’t regret it one bit.
Because more and more I’ve become unafraid, fearless, unstoppable, carefree of what others think, unmovable from my identity in Christ.

Sometimes staying by yourself in a comfortable place isn’t what you need. What your heart may need is the friction of being with people you’re not comfortable with, being with family, being with friends that rub you the wrong way sometimes…it’s facing the battles head on even when it’s painful.

It’s allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to be hurt by people.

It’s showing up in a foreign country saying “here I am, I’ve been wanting a relationship with you and even if you escape and reject me, I’ll be here as long as God will have me here”.

It’s that painful, that love thing.

But you come out stronger.
Oh this is Christ love. Okay. Cool. I’m becoming like Christ.

It’s easy to do the one time things, but the slow breaking open of your heart, so that there is no more hiding, no more self protection….will heal your heart completely. So that you become whole.

(I took this photo 8 years ago in shanghai. I am reminded of how much I have grown because of Christ power)
I felt like God wanted me to write this for the women out there. This is especially for you. This post pertains to being free of needing a man.

Growing up, I thought it would be so nice to have a boyfriend. They would fulfill all my needs, as I saw in comic books or romance novels.

I soon found out that boys brought more trouble than security.

Liking a guy was like being put in a small boat on a stormy ocean.

I often found myself attracted to guys with similar heart wounds. Whether it was a guy with mother issues or a guy with “I’m not good enough” issue, the issues were plenty. As long as I was still unhealed from these wounds, they would come attracted to the festering wound, hoping to find solace in a similar void.

I also got bored easily. Once this guy no longer filled my fantasy world of romance and love, I would be attracted to another man.

I felt powerful when I could hurt someone, because I did not need to be vulnerable.

In Genesis 3, Eve was subjected to the punishment of sin.

“To the woman He said,
……your desire will be for your husband,
And he will rule over you.”

When Jesus came, He came to FREE women from that punishment.

So when you accept Jesus into your life, your life comes back to how God created you originally- free from punishment and sin.

This means you no longer desire to worship a man, but you have your mind back. You worship God and you have autonomy in your emotions. You no longer need a man in your life to fulfill your emotional voids; longing for stability, security, acceptance…all that comes from God.
You know you are enough and you are not lacking a better half.

You become whole again under the freedom of Christ.

After my last relationship, I dated people but had enough. I got to a point where I realized I just needed to surrender to God and make Him my everything.

In surrendering, He completely healed my heart of soul wounds and voids that would attract wounded men.

I have been single for 4 years and am completely fine with it. Though the enemy may try to whisper that I’m not enough, God’s truth comes and says “you are enough” in Christ Jesus.

It sounds crazy, but in being whole I actually repelled wounded men and no longer became a magnet for brokenness.

I could stand on my own for years and not feel the affect of the enemy trying to persuade me to fall for another emotionally absent man.

This post is for any women who feel forever jaded.

Give your heart to God and you will never look back. You will never need to subject yourself to that punishment of being soul tied to a wounded soul.

The man will not rule over you like a haunted ghost.

You will be able to get your mind and life back. God wants you free.

Sometimes in the waiting we question God’s love for us.

It’s like when a toddler wants to cross the street but the father pulls her back because there are cars coming.
Sometimes we will be able to go but there are times we have to wait for the green light.

Our lives are a series of green and red lights but often than not, we are often standing at the red light wondering how we ended up there.

God says to me “I want you to turn to me during the red light because life isn’t about going anywhere specific but walking with me. I don’t want you to run ahead without me. I want you to be in relationship with me because that is where true love, satisfaction, fulfillment is, it’s all in me…it’s not in a career, a relationship with others, in attaining material goods, in fame….it’s in me”.

“Even in the green light, always walk with me”.

“I don’t want you to be so busy chasing what you think will give you happiness that you forget the only One that can give you true happiness”.

“If you’d just look to me, I will give you the world. I’ll give you every desire of your heart and more.

I want my children to delight in me. Intimacy with me is the only thing that will give you true fulfillment and true happiness”.

I’m the kind of person that grew up trying to walk before crawling. True story. My mom told me.
I fell again and again.
Later in life I became very type A. I became very ambitious, I wanted to do a lot in a short time and I did accomplish a lot for awhile. I started a fashion club in high school, took many AP classes and even took a college French class in the summer.
I don’t quite remember this but apparently I cried a lot because of it.

One day I found myself coming home with a banged up eye after body surfing in the ocean.
I tried to hide it but my mom noticed right away.
Rest was never really in my vocabulary until I started to see the consequence of uninhibited ambition.
I had shingles at 14, something you’re supposed to get when you’re over 60.

Not only did I not know how to express my emotions, I was often absorbing the emotions of those around me. If my parents were fighting, I could feel the pain in my body.

I was a child.

God started to teach me when to rest, He knew what I needed when I needed it. Though people around me would forget I was recovering from a breakup, God never did. I was good at faking fine, but in actuality, I was low key depressed and could feel a cloud over my head.

He knew that healing was not overnight.
So He would tell me to rest.
Many times I found myself resting when I really didn’t want to.
In Bali one year I got into a moped accident and instead of eat, pray, love, I was eat, pray, lay down.
I was frustrated, I wanted to be free to do whatever I wanted to but God knew better.

Perhaps I just needed to process and heal.

I often think that when God promotes me or launches me that I will suddenly not need to rest.
I imagine myself just constantly doing something but I am reminded that God is rest…

He doesn’t need to strive, He is continually resting.

Today I went on this water slide and was excited by its speed.
The second time I went on it I seriously wanted to throw up.
This got me thinking….
We may want speed and excitement but maybe what we need is calm and rest.
Though we may want to constantly be exploring the world but maybe it’s our soul God wants us to explore and reset.

Maybe it’s God we are able to find true excitement and exploration in.

Though traveling the world is exciting, I am realizing that God is my excitement.
Though I may eat incredible food or go on water slides, if I don’t listen to my inner knowing- I will be stretching myself too thin.
I can live in true freedom sure but it’s important to listen to our inner wisdom.
The second time on the water slide, my reflex was telling me “girl you’re over doing it, my body can’t take it right now. You had a full cheesy meal with milk tea”.

There were times I really wanted to get my scuba diving license but I would get allergies….God knew I couldn’t handle the physical exertion. And even this time I heard Him say “another time”.

It’s not that God wants to deprive you of things, experiences or people- it’s that He knows us so well that He knows exactly what we need when we need it.

Whether it’s traveling, marriage, career, ministry, friendships, etc…God knows and His timing is perfect. He won’t give you more than you can handle.

You may want more friends but He knows that your heart might not be ready to be vulnerable and you might experience another traumatic experience He wants to protect you from.

You may want to travel more but it’s not travel that you need, maybe it’s just discovering who you are.

I believe that we experience trauma from experiences when we go before God instead of after Him.

When we want to skip the “becoming” for the “doing” we go outside of God’s insurance.
Sure God is still with us and He will protect us but there are consequences to not heeding His voice.

Yes we have the freedom to live however we want, but like a Father He will tell you- “don’t cross the street when there are cars coming by. Wait for the green light”.

When we don’t wait for God’s green light we often get hit by “cars” of life He never intended us to get hit by!

God I choose to wait for Your timing. I will rest when You tell me to because sometimes I’m ignorant of what I really need.

And I’ll run when you tell me to go because you’ve helped me save up my energy for what You intended me to use it for.

I will go with the rhythm of your Spirit.

 

Conversations with God about worth, finance, values and societal constructs.

God- you have everything you need to do what you need to do and want to do.

R- but sometimes I experience lack.

God- you are enough.

God- my values are totally different from the world. The world = X amount of effort = x amount of outcome.

Me = outcome.

So many of my children seek the things of this world for stability not knowing if they will just rest in me they will have the world.

They seek certainty in paper bills when certainty is in me.

Some of my children hold back what I have put in them because they believe they should receive finance in exchange for the gift and and talents I have put in them, but I have given them Jesus…when they pour out what I’ve put in them they’ll see Jesus is never ending life giver, finance giver.

There is no lack in Christ Jesus.

When you experience lack or fear of lack you have started to fix your eyes on what you see versus who I am.

Will I not provide for my beloved? Especially for those who have chosen to pour out their lives like drink offerings?

My love is unceasing. So is my provision.

Look and see, some people in this world have everything but still experience lack. They haven’t seen themselves the way I see them. That they are enough in my eyes.

That they are beloved.

When they experience my love for them; continually and consistently they will be able to drink from a never ending supply of provision.

I don’t operate like humans.

They think effort = outcome but when you give of yourself; continually drawing from me, you have exponential provision.

I am life.

I am abundance.

I am love.

I know you have poured out your everything, there is more…and see me provide in exponential ways.

For you are a prophet, and prophets earn their keep.

People stay in lack because they limit me. They limit themselves to the equation of effort=outcome.

You have seen miracles because of your willingness to go into the unknown (me= outcome).