My trip to Taiwan has been filled with divine appointments and favor.
But if I’m honest, I have been processing through disappointment. Despite all the prophetic words about abundance and a season of new, I can’t help but feel saddened by the things that haven’t happened- I can’t change a person and as much as you pray for them; they may never be what you want them to be.

Take my father for example. I cannot bridge 30 years of very little contact.

The inability to understand him causes me to experience pain, for him and for myself.

It makes me wish that I never even wanted to get to know him or that I even cared. But I do.

It creates such turmoil in my heart because this is where ignorance is stupidly blissful.

But I’m not ignorant, I’m too smart.

I grew up too fast, understood too much too fast.

I saw two people fighting and throwing things.

I can bring these emotions to God. But I often find myself processing these emotions at a train station or a train. It’s like I am often waiting for a train or on a train. That is our life.

We never really arrive; we have already arrived…it’s a place in our hearts that we must create with God.

God I know my life isn’t looking like what I expected but I know you are enough for me.

God I’m going to be vulnerable enough to say this hurts and I’m still hoping because you said it.

Painful faith.

I’ll praise you even when my heart is hurting.

I’ll keep my eyes on you. I don’t understand this process but I trust you Father.

I won’t let circumstances determine my joy. I’ll rest in you God.

God is using my many stories and miracles to show others that even if your father didn’t raise you, God will still take care of you.

And it’s continually trusting God in those very crazy adventures where I am met with the fear monster and I am forced to confront situations that heightens emotions of fear…

That I can say each time, the Lord delivered me, the Lord provided for me, the Lord protected me.

Maybe that’s why He sends me to travel solo (with Him of course).

So that no one can say He’s not real.

Why is it so hard for some of us to take the leap and just trust God instead of our many contingency plans?

Because we’ve never had someone to rely on- so we started to rely on our plans.

Our plans were predictable but they were boring. They also caused us to be stressed because we felt like we needed to control everything. That’s operating out of an orphan mindset. Orphans take care of themselves.

Sons and daughters of God are taken care of by God. We throw our plans out and follow where the spirit leads. We have unconditional trust.

Until you learn to “just leap” you’ll always be bond by the orphan spirit.

Just leap. God will catch you. Even if you have the face the fear monsters. Even if it’s scary and painful. He will not fail you.

Some of us are still holding onto our contingency plans.

We’ve given God some control but not all.

We still have a “savings account” for that rainy day….in case God fails us.

But if you want true freedom, you’ll have to give Him all the control.

You’ll have to throw yourself in. Not just your leg or arm, but all of you.

If you want to follow God you’ll have to be okay not knowing anything, not the future, not the present. You’ll be like a child who trusts their father with total abandon.

When jesus told me to sell everything and follow him in 2015, I didn’t think I’d end up sleeping on a couch futon on the floor, I didn’t think I’d have to battle bugs and cockroaches in the country side in Taiwan, i didn’t think I’d lose friends and family, I didn’t think I’d be accused of by my family for wasting my life and being lazy, I didn’t think it would be this hard.

But I don’t regret it one bit.
Because more and more I’ve become unafraid, fearless, unstoppable, carefree of what others think, unmovable from my identity in Christ.

Sometimes staying by yourself in a comfortable place isn’t what you need. What your heart may need is the friction of being with people you’re not comfortable with, being with family, being with friends that rub you the wrong way sometimes…it’s facing the battles head on even when it’s painful.

It’s allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to be hurt by people.

It’s showing up in a foreign country saying “here I am, I’ve been wanting a relationship with you and even if you escape and reject me, I’ll be here as long as God will have me here”.

It’s that painful, that love thing.

But you come out stronger.
Oh this is Christ love. Okay. Cool. I’m becoming like Christ.

It’s easy to do the one time things, but the slow breaking open of your heart, so that there is no more hiding, no more self protection….will heal your heart completely. So that you become whole.