Tired of saying no I don’t want to sleep with you? Say no to fuckboys today! This comes from my year of dating where I felt overwhelmed by guys trying to change my mind about waiting until marriage to have sex.
I just woke up from a dream where I kept looking at my face and there was a layer of fat around my face, a line of red around my face. I kept staring at it and trying to make it go away. I was focused on it. I had put on a covid mask before and there was acne where the mask was before.
When I woke up I realized I needed to write about it.
I hear God say “I don’t find fault in you”.
Recently I was hanging out with a friend that said he needed to run and go to the gym a lot. He said he needed to lose weight, stay fit. I could tell that he wanted to stay in shape but he said that for some reason it didn’t really work.
I told him he didn’t need to be so paranoid. He was good enough.
But to be honest, I’m pretty observant. I do notice that I notice fat in others but also myself. Someone commented that I’m so fit and so in shape but the truth is I’ve gained weight and I’m not in shape the way I was before.
I used to teach yoga and had a 4 pac.
But after I stopped teaching my muscles became fat.
I maintained a new theory on exercise. You should only do what you want to. If you want to dance, you should dance. You should run if you want to, not because you want to maintain fit. You should do things out of desire.
“I don’t find fault in you. You are perfect because of Jesus’ sacrifice. You don’t need extra. You are enough. You are enough”.
My mom criticizes me a lot. She’ll tell me not to eat something. She says I’m gaining weight. She finds fault in me constantly. When she does it makes me want to get a starbucks frappucno, it makes me want to eat chocolate and a chocolate smoothie. It has the opposite effect.
My heart hurts and I want to indulge even more.
Because I don’t feel like I’m good enough. And then I feel worse.
But I hear the Lord say “YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE BLAMELESS IN MY EYES BECAUSE OF MY SACRIFICE” YOU ARE PURE AND BLAMELESS.
The other day my mom left her key in her car with the engine running and she went “I never do that”.
I laughed. Thank God. Because for some reason I lost my keys a few times the last few months and she yelled at me for it. She asked me why I was so careless. So when she did that I was happy because God was showing her that she is not perfect.
Do you constantly find fault in yourself? YOU ARE PURE IN God’s EYES. Nothing is ever good enough for my mom. I tried my whole life to be perfect but I realize it’s tiring. I am already perfect because of Jesus’ sacrifice, not because of my own works and to prove that, I just need to pint to the cross, not to my own works.
If people accuse me of being a fake Christian, instead of trying to prove myself, my answer should really be “A real Christian is saved by grace, not by works. So it’s not dependent on their right doings. I don’t boast in anything I do right”.
I’ve gone on so many dates this year it’s kind of crazy.
I’ve learned so much about men and so much about myself, so much about communicating with men. There’s been casualties and I’ve been a casualty myself but I’ve healed from a lot of trauma from the past.
I encourage singles to put yourself out there and not to be afraid of the process. I remember a girl prophesying over me “you’re going up the last mountain and it’ll be difficult but worth it”. I didn’t realize the last mountain was a relational mountain. It had to do with men.
When you’re going on dates you want to be liked by someone, but at the end of the day you have to be honest about what you want.
What do you want?
You’re like….okay I want this, but I feel loved by this person. The heart wants what it wants. How come I go for guys that are not available? And so when you communicate you start to realize why.
Maybe you don’t feel deserving of a love that is your own.
Maybe you’re actually scared of being loved by someone.
Maybe you’re terrified of getting hurt.
You will get hurt when you date. You will hurt others when you date. When you tell them “I only see you as a friend” it’s a disappointment to them. It hurt me too when I had to tell someone that.
At the end of the day you have to look at the truth...but why is it that humans don’t like the truth? Because it’s uncomfortable. It throws you from the known into the unknown.
If you stay with someone because it’s comfortable but you see all the red flags, you are in your comfort zone. At least you know there is someone who can be there for you.
When you realize the truth and face it, you may be alone and you WILL face the pain of separation.
You’re going to disappoint people when you date.
You will tell the truth to them….whether it’s “I only see you as a friend” or “I’m not attracted to you” (this is something I had to tell a guy because he really didn’t get it).
Or maybe it’s “I see you as a father figure” (also something I have said to a guy).
The truth can hurt but when we face it, we will be pushed to go forward into what is our truth and genuine self and we will ATTRACT what we choose to truly be – 100% raw, genuine, unique you.
My profile says that I love Jesus and I am waiting until marriage to have sex, please do not try to change my mind. I want to get married and have 2 kids.
I guess that’s how I felt my mom was to my dad. Just another warm body, a woman, not special. Otherwise why would he have gotten with other women. Did she even matter to him? Or was it just infatuation. What makes one person better than the other.
My new friend picked me up and initially I was going to get dropped off but we talked more. He had a pretty traumatic upbringing. We talked about his ex and how his ex promised that she would never hurt him, but she cheated on him the next day. He was depressed for a long time, became psychotic.
I said that when someone starts wanting to become physical with me, I feel unsafe. I only feel safe if they really spent time and have gotten to know me, understood my heart. But most of the time I feel like a prey. I feel used, for their gratification. That’s why I am glad I am waiting for marriage to have sex because I want a man who really honors my heart. What does it take to honor my heart? For someone to really want to communicate with me. Most men don’t want to spend the time to understand my heart. They see your breasts, they want to get physical with you.
I felt unsafe today when someone tried to ask me to go to their apartment. I was just walking by.
I felt unsafe because he seemed drunk.
I don’t feel safe when people are drunk and I am completely sober. I feel unsafe with men who are intoxicated. It reminds me of my dad.
I really suggest to woman not to open themselves up physically to a man if they don’t have the same intention. It is damaging. Men may be able to numb their hearts and not feel a thing, but for women it’s very attaching. The truth is, it is just as emotionally damaging to a man but society says they can take it.
I feel loved when someone takes the time to understand me. I feel loved when they honor my boundaries.
I may complain about people but at the end of the day I know every person I meet is a lesson in communication and love. I want to be special to someone, not just another girl or a warm body.
I want to come home to one person. But until then I know I am special to God.
My mom yelled “go to sleep!” but I didn’t want to. I cried because my heart suddenly hated my dad again. How could he do this to my mom. I could see why God had me live with my mom, because our healing is a mutual thing. Her healing has to do with my healing.
I’ve been talking to her about men and I can tell she cringes when I talk to men. She probably hates them. My brother won’t even talk to her. She for sure hates my dad, after more than 20 years.
But as I heal and talk about my experiences, I can see that it brings healing to her heart. I don’t want to hate men. When I hear sad stories from men, I realize they’re just human, like me. Men have been hurt by women too. I pray today God will heal your heart from your past.
Do you have regrets about your past relationships?
Do you have regrets? I do.
Sometimes I have regrets about eating fried junk food, calamari, mcdonald’s. I’ve had regrets about my ex best friend, investing time and energy into people that betrayed me. I’ve had regrets about why my heart and God didn’t tell me to buy a car, and why I don’t have anything material to show for the money I could have used towards something material – versus the kingdom of God.
I have regrets about following God even, like recently I was so mad at God for the pain I experienced from people flaking on me, betraying me, walking away.I had regrets about serving God. Because I got hurt.I had regrets about letting people into my heart.I had regrets about liking whoever I liked, or letting them hurt me.
But at the end of it I hear God say this- even to you:“Don’t regret the past, you learned from it. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were living in freedom. Tell me how you feel. You’re not wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong. Keep living in freedom”.Keep living in freedom, keep having fun. I know you fell when you dance, but keep dancing.
I see an image of you on the floor, head down.You head is burrowed in your knees, your knees are bent. There are people playing on the playground and you’re alone. You punish yourself for doing wrong or messing up. Someone yelled at you on the playground, stole your toy, someone stepped on your toy and destroyed it.
You are really mad at yourself for letting anyone play with your toy. You regret sharing your toy with your friend.
Or you had a best friend but they went to play with someone else, they left you alone. You look dismayed, you are shocked. You never thought they would stop playing with you. You want to give up.
“No one will ever want to play with me”. You think. You feel unwanted, you feel like shit. You don’t want to put yourself out there anymore. You don’t want to make new friends. But you have to. Don’t give up!
Trauma Bonding and Getting Out Of Toxic Relationships
I was in a 2.5 year relationship and didn’t speak up for myself and what I needed. I lost myself. And it took years to find myself again! I am here to help women get out of toxic relationships, speak up for themselves and learn not to “give sex” right away to protect themselves from men who just want sex. The dating journey is about learning to heal from and communicate your needs in a relationship.
I’ve learn not to commit myself to someone just because I like them but to let go when you know immediately that it’s not your husband. How do you know if it’s your husband? Does he believe in God like you do? Do you have the same beliefs about life, morality? What are non- negotiable for you? Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless! For coaching – dm me.
Trying to learn how to communicate. Sure, at first I was annoyed that people were ghosting and refusing to communicate, but now I’m annoyed when someone does want to communicate…but they’re not communicating the way I’m used to.
I said “I feel like you’re talking down to me”.
“And I also don’t like the word damaged”.
I’m not damaged, I’m wounded. Damaged is what you label a broken vase or broken toy that you put on the shelf of Ralphs near the bathroom. Wounded- God heals that and I am enough in God’s eyes. That’s what we argued and talked about.
Arguments can be invigorating because I can hear my voice, I have a voice. It’s not an argument per say, but it’s an opportunity to say how I feel and it’s great.
My mom and I, when we argue, or when I voice my opinions, we get so angry we either leave each others’ sight or we just stop talking until we calm down because the anger is so intense, it creates discomfort. I remember my mom walking out the door every time she felt some kind of emotion.
I can’t say what’s on my mind without feeling the emotions that come with those thoughts.
“Well, be vulnerable if you’re trying to connect with me, don’t just say you feel bad for me…”
There’s so many innuendos, it takes time to understand each other’s heart. There are certain personalities that I am more comfortable with. I don’t like being “talked to or lectured”. I find that a lot of men do that…”this is what you should do”, etc. I am not looking for a man to tell me what to do, I already have a mom that constantly tries to tell me what to do.
Males- you just need to listen and say “I hear you and I see you”.
Most women aren’t looking for your opinion to be honest, or for you to fix the situation…..women just want to be heard.
I like a man who asks questions, is in touch with his emotions. I guess someone who is a bit feminine at heart, gentle. There are certain personalities that aggravate me because I feel like they are talking mostly, and not allowing me to talk.
Today I learned that someone I just met needs a verbal affirmation such as “I understand where you’re coming from” or even a “no I don’t understand or don’t agree with you”. I’m used to just moving onto the next point with no verbal affirmation.
I found myself so uncomfortable, I almost walked away.
Then tears came after I walked into my house. I guess I was uncomfortable with feeling the emotions that came with communicating my heart.
The truth is – I’m scared I’ll always be uncomfortable in marriage. I don’t want to argue all the time…but I also feel relieved that things can actually be talked out. With my mom, we rarely talked anything out. Again, my dad ghosted for most of my life and my brother cut off connection with me.
Our family avoids conflict or my parents have argued in front of me but it never led to resolution. They separated when I was very young. It’s easy to run away from conflict, but conflict is actually part of communication.
Every movie involves a conflict, there are no good movies without conflicts.
But in real life, few people have the emotional ability to talk out their differences or to even tell the truth.
I hate men right now. I went through a few experiences where I don’t really understand them.
My dad basically ghosted me for 10 years and my whole life.
My brother ghosted my mom and I for years.
Then men I meet ghost too, friends, dates.
I don’t really understand it.
Sometimes I wonder how I’m ever going to marry a man because a lot of times I see them shut down and I’m unable to communicate with them. A lot of men don’t really want to talk through things, they just want to hide and disappear.
I met this guy at a restaurant a few months ago and he contacted me. Asked me to hang out. He picked me up but when I saw him I asked to see his eyes because he was wearing sunglasses. I asked to see it even for a few seconds but he refused to take off his sunglasses. So I said “the whole time we are hanging out you’re going to leave your sunglasses on?”
He said “yes, the sun hurts his eyes”.
But I couldn’t even see him for 1 second?
I do believe he is a lost sheep but at the same time it’s important for me to see someone’s eyes to connect even briefly. I believe eye contact is a source of building trust.
He said that he just wanted to be chill and he said that I was making things awkward so he said that he didn’t want to hang out anymore.
So I got off the car.
And went home. I tried to call or text him but he didn’t reply.
And sometimes when I feel out of control I retrieve, I want to be alone
Perhaps I don’t feel safe to feel those emotions
Or perhaps I don’t feel safe feeling them in front of others so I leave
And isolate myself.
But I’m starting to see that
I don’t like showing my emotions to people I just met or in group setting – I’m okay one on one and I’ll be vulnerable with people I just met. Some people are not safe though.
I can show a big part of myself when I am one one one with someone.
All eyes are on me when I talk about myself – perhaps I’m scared of saying something wrong or perhaps it’s too much attention. I feel like I’m being observed.
Ministering out in West Hollywood has taught me a lot about myself. At one point I felt so uncomfortable with being the center of attention in a group setting, I walked away. I felt my heart being extended.
I guess God is working in me. I met a celebrity designer and actress and the feeling of inadequacy hit me. One guy wasn’t complimenting me at all, I felt insecure. I started to be aware of the pimple on my face.
You are righteous in Christ Jesus.
I became aware of the fact that I wasn’t wearing anything designer, or that I wasn’t good enough but again God had to remind me that I am enough.
Another uncomfortable experience- people around me are drunk and I am not. In fact, no drinks in my system. Again, I felt like how do I act around people who are drunk. I didn’t feel safe. Again, you are enough God reminded me.
This is all preparation in going higher. What’s my personality like? I am a fun person that is pensive and a deep thinker. I realize there are SO many personality types and it is important to learn who you are despite all the different people you meet.
Are you currently dating? Single? Are you scared to get hurt? And why? What has your past experiences been like?
Answer in the comment box!
I am currently dating.
I am afraid to get hurt. Even though I like to cry a lot anyways.
Yesterday I saw this waitress I met a few times at the restaurant. I felt led to go eat there. I told her about waiting until marriage to have sex and she told me she wish she waited because maybe she wouldn’t have gotten married in her 40s, with a child. Then maybe her son would still be alive today.
I told her she no longer needed to regret the past because she is righteous in God’s eyes.
I said none of it was her fault.
My stomach felt upset and I didn’t know why. I realize that sometimes I overthink things.
I question my decisions because I’ve gotten hurt in the past so I want to shut down and not open up again. My past relationship traumatized me and I said “I won’t get into a relationship unless he is my husband”. It was a long time ago but it really f#$6 me up.
For some reason God is bringing the same situations into my life to heal the past.
“I forgive myself for the past” I said.
I even cried thinking about how I hurt my ex. He would always say “someday you’re going to meet your husband and leave me”. Eventually I did leave him, but not because I met my husband.
Take chances, even though the consequences aren’t always ideal.
I had an emotional breakthrough yesterday. I felt numb for a few days, couldn’t feel my emotions for some reason. I was scared of pain. But I cried and I realized that it’s okay to love.
I always asked God “why do I keep loving that which will not last?”
God- I’m breaking off the fear of loss.
Do you want to overcome the hurdles that keep you from stepping out?
Contact me at rebekkalien@gmail.com for coaching/soul talk.
Are you currently dating? Single? Are you scared to get hurt? And why? What has your past experiences been like?
Rebekka Lien 