The Discomfort of Love

Love can be uncomfortable.

What do I mean by that?

Trying to learn how to communicate. Sure, at first I was annoyed that people were ghosting and refusing to communicate, but now I’m annoyed when someone does want to communicate…but they’re not communicating the way I’m used to.

I said “I feel like you’re talking down to me”.

“And I also don’t like the word damaged”.

I’m not damaged, I’m wounded. Damaged is what you label a broken vase or broken toy that you put on the shelf of Ralphs near the bathroom. Wounded- God heals that and I am enough in God’s eyes. That’s what we argued and talked about.

Arguments can be invigorating because I can hear my voice, I have a voice. It’s not an argument per say, but it’s an opportunity to say how I feel and it’s great.

My mom and I, when we argue, or when I voice my opinions, we get so angry we either leave each others’ sight or we just stop talking until we calm down because the anger is so intense, it creates discomfort. I remember my mom walking out the door every time she felt some kind of emotion.

I can’t say what’s on my mind without feeling the emotions that come with those thoughts.

“Well, be vulnerable if you’re trying to connect with me, don’t just say you feel bad for me…”

There’s so many innuendos, it takes time to understand each other’s heart. There are certain personalities that I am more comfortable with. I don’t like being “talked to or lectured”. I find that a lot of men do that…”this is what you should do”, etc. I am not looking for a man to tell me what to do, I already have a mom that constantly tries to tell me what to do.

Males- you just need to listen and say “I hear you and I see you”.

Most women aren’t looking for your opinion to be honest, or for you to fix the situation…..women just want to be heard.

I like a man who asks questions, is in touch with his emotions. I guess someone who is a bit feminine at heart, gentle. There are certain personalities that aggravate me because I feel like they are talking mostly, and not allowing me to talk.

Today I learned that someone I just met needs a verbal affirmation such as “I understand where you’re coming from” or even a “no I don’t understand or don’t agree with you”. I’m used to just moving onto the next point with no verbal affirmation.

I found myself so uncomfortable, I almost walked away.

Then tears came after I walked into my house. I guess I was uncomfortable with feeling the emotions that came with communicating my heart.

The truth is – I’m scared I’ll always be uncomfortable in marriage. I don’t want to argue all the time…but I also feel relieved that things can actually be talked out. With my mom, we rarely talked anything out. Again, my dad ghosted for most of my life and my brother cut off connection with me.

Our family avoids conflict or my parents have argued in front of me but it never led to resolution. They separated when I was very young. It’s easy to run away from conflict, but conflict is actually part of communication.

Every movie involves a conflict, there are no good movies without conflicts.

But in real life, few people have the emotional ability to talk out their differences or to even tell the truth.