I heard God say “write a blog post about tonight”.
I’m reposting this photo from a hostel in Singapore because I’m running out of space and have to upgrade or add space to my blog!
My heart has been breaking a lot and it feels really dramatic. Some days I can feel anger to the point where my heart explodes and suddenly I cry. I feel my heart very intensely. It’s kind of crazy.
So tonight I heard the Lord say “go to the abbey”.
My über driver told me about how he drives a lot of girls who sell their bodies. One girl who is 17 was promised $5,000 to have sex and she did it to help her mom because she said her mom doesn’t make much money (but her mom did not know about it).
Well the guy had sex with her after getting her drunk, made some tapes, and then took the money from her. She came out crying. This uber driver was like – she should not have lied to her mom about going to her friend’s place.
I got so angry. She didn’t realize what she was getting into. A lot of people don’t. I honestly wanted to find this guy and punish him. Apparently it’s happening a lot in LA. I PRAY GOD WILL EXPOSE THEM. I PRAY THEY WILL BE SENT TO PRISON ASAP! I PRAY THESE GIRLS WILL NOT FALL INTO THEIR TRAP. PLEASE GOD!
Then I went into the abbey but it didn’t feel right and I heard “Guisados”. I went there and met a girl across the table. She was also an actress and sold clothes at a flea market. Her parents all lived in another country. I heard the Lord say “tell her to go home”.
Then I met another girl and I said “I was supposed to go on a date but the guy wanted to eat at his place and I knew what that meant” and we talked about relationships. She said her ex used to hit her. Well, I wanted to cry.
I told her not to be afraid of men because not all men are like that.
On the street I met a guy and his sister. I approached them. We walked around and talked. They are half siblings and the girl told me how similar they are even though they are half siblings. I felt a pain in my heart and told them I had a half brother I never met. I was feeling a certain way and walked around. I called an uber home and cried because I really wanted to meet my half brother….one day! I just heard the Lord say “you are enough, you are enough”.
The über driver turned out to be Taiwanese OF COURSE!
He even went to a church I’ve been to in Taiwan. He was divorced and they had major trust issues in the relationship. God is so funny to bring just what we need.
I prophesied to him- I heard God say “it’s not your fault, don’t be afraid to love and to make mistakes. Put yourself out there again”. He was speaking to my heart and I knew it. Every time I prophesy to someone it’s for me too.
I know it sounds crazy but love hurts. I feel an intense slew of emotions everyday. Some people think it’s been unstable but I just allow myself to feel every emotion.
The other day I felt anger and I felt my heart want to explode, then suddenly the walls of my heart melted and I cried. I’ve never felt such intense emotions sitting by myself at a food court.
Today I hear the Lord say
“You are enough. It’s not your fault.
I love you so much. I will always be there for you, even when others aren’t. I’m here for you, always. I will never leave nor forsake you”.
Even as I reread this I feel tears well up. God I don’t want to love, I don’t want to open my heart. It hurts. I feel like I can’t trust myself or others. I’ll say no to you God but I’m not letting love in, I know it. I want to be loved but why does it hurt so much? Why do the people that you love the most hurt you the most? Their silence leaves a mark in your heart. Why did you choose me to love those who are hurt. Why can’t I be regular and just be a bitter person, why do I choose to forgive after they have hurt me.
The other day someone who I had feelings for said he slept with someone and even though I knew he wasn’t the one, I felt deeply for him since he really opened up to me emotionally. I felt this burning anger inside of me.
I felt my heart explode with anger and suddenly I burst out crying. How can I care for someone so quickly and deeply? I guess it’s because I really had no male figure to care for and when I can care for a man, I will care with all my heart. It’s also projection I know. So God is healing a lot of issues in my heart having to do with my past, my dad and my brother but it’s also helping others to be vulnerable with me.
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