Good Love

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You encounter such bad love your whole life that you don’t know what good love is. 

And you finally open up, you want to be an open book but those around you want to shut down. You want to be loved and accepted for all of you, not just a part of you. So you share, but you feel judged.

But now, you’ve reached a new level.

It’s a healthy love.

They will embrace and love you even if your emotions are messy, even if you try to run, they run after you, they won’t let you hide, they’ll uncover the blanket hiding all your mess. They see the mess and they love you, they let you cry on their shoulder.

That’s what I’m experiencing now. 

You can come to a point that you communicate everything on your mind, and it feels amazing.

You don’t have to run from the people that want to love you, you run into their arms.

Even if that person is simply a friend, not your husband.

You don’t need to keep or own a person, you can love and express love without judgement or rejection. 

I realize why I felt the need to socialize and minister to people when I was with my friend. There was a block. There were friends that didn’t really allow themselves to emote, or to feel their emotions. I’d want to talk to other people to feel my emotions.

I’m seeing old cycles broken in my life.

Cycles where I used sexuality to feel my emotions, cycles where I ran to distractions and temporary pleasures to gratify the numbness.

I’m finally feeling all of my emotions, I’m accepting them.

I can talk about all my emotions and not be afraid to feel them. I dated an ex that never talked about his emotions, it was impossible to connect with him. Because of that, I ended up cheating on him.

I felt like I was not allowed to have “negative” emotions and whenever I talked about how I felt, he would shut me down and tell me not to talk about it. He had panic attacks, he had anxiety, he never cried. He only cried when we broke up.

I felt alone in that relationship.

I felt utterly alone and unloved because my emotions were not accepted or valued.

Now, I know what love is supposed to feel like.

I’m supposed to be able to run to the people I love for love, not run away from them to feel my emotions. All of my feelings and emotions should be valued and validated in a relationship, not just the positive ones.

I should be able to feel scared, sad or angry in a relationship. I should be able to be upset. I should be able to feel however I feel whenever I feel them and be heard and understood in that relationship. And even if that person does not understand, they can express that they aren’t able to understand it but they’ll try.

Communication is everything. Let’s communicate to each other, let’s dialogue instead of dictate.

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Live Life In Freedom

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They tell me 

“well you shouldn’t have….” because this or that wouldn’t have happened.

You shouldn’t have crossed the road, because if you wouldn’t have crossed the road, you wouldn’t have fallen.

You shouldn’t have fallen in love, because you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.

You shouldn’t have….

But they live in a box full of guilt and condemnation. They devil taunting them, you shouldn’t have, you could have prevented yourself from getting hurt.

So they live in fear, inside their house as demons tell them “don’t go out, you’ll get hurt”.

Sure, I get hurt and things happen to me.

Things that probably don’t happen to most people. But you do realize I am a prophet and the devil will try to stop me from being free right?

From preaching “no condemnation in Christ Jesus?” The devil will use anything to say “well you shouldn’t have”.

Don’t be out, they say. 

Don’t do this, they say. 

Lots of red tape and yellow tape. They try to put tape on me. If only, they say.

There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. I followed my heart and I fell on the street. I got a few marks on my face, a bit on my legs and arms, but I am a warrior. I loved with all my heart. I fell down off the cliff but God lifted me up.

I could hide in a cave, but the enemy would love that. 

I could start numbering and measuring, instead of loving. I could start using logic and reading, trying to figure out how to best “prevent hurt from happening and my heart from breaking”, but I would never live.

I could become a recluse and never talk to another human being, then I would have no drama and no tears to cry, but I would be alone, utterly alone, devoid of love. 

I fall head first, and I use my heart, not my logic. I love with all my being and heart.

And they point fingers and say “well you shouldn’t have”. They don’t understand becauseI they think with their heads and not their heart. They’ve shut love out. Love is not logical, love is passionate, messy, full of mistakes.

Growing up I saw marriages made out of logic. You see, they tick all the boxes but there is no chemistry or passion. I saw white picket fence relationships. “We look good to others”, it was a front.

Regret is not from God. 

I accept all the decisions I’ve ever made and I accept that I was living in freedom. There was nothing I could have done to prevent what I needed to experience. 

But why do I need to get hurt? Is it necessary? 

Yes, you are whole in my eyes. The hurt is only momentary. You loved and lived, and you were better for it. You are so rich because you choose to love with everything you have. You are a zillionaire because you choose to live outside the box and cage of fear. 

God has already made you pure and whole by the blood of Jesus, you’re standing with God never changes, He never sees an inkling of sin or mistakes in you. 

So why do we live our lives fearing that we will make a mistake or get hurt?

We base our decisions on one fear, “I never want to get divorced….I learned from my parents” (fear of failure, also a fear not from God)

“I don’t ever want to get heart broken, it hurt too much last time, so I’m never going to date. I’m just going to sit in this car and never ask another girl out, I’ll just wait on God” (aka I don’t ever want to face rejection again- which is a fear).

Life is full of unknowns. It is also possible to have a fear of the unknown.

I don’t know where God will lead me, so I won’t walk in faith- some say.

I’ll control and do what I can see- and for most people that is making money or working. 

You can’t see emotions, so most people don’t want to fall in love.

When they get hurt, they resort to making money, because they can see money and dollar amounts. You can calculate money, but you can’t calculate love. 

“I’ve been used, I feel lack, now I am going to ignore my heart forever and live my life for what I can calculate and earn”- some say. 

But your heart is still whole, it’s broken, but it’s whole.

Okay, it hurts, sure, but everyday is a new day. God is saying “don’t live in fear, you’ve been made righteous by my blood, don’t condemn yourself, you don’t hurt because of your decisions, you hurt because that’s part of life. Do you know that my love makes you whole. Feel the sadness and the emotions, but don’t stop living life. I’m holding your heart”.

I’m healing your heart, says God.

Religion says “if I follow all the rules, I won’t get hurt”.

Grace says “I am free in Christ Jesus, I can walk in freedom and trust with God and even if I get hurt, His love carries me”.

Give to this ministry and prophetic word- Thank you! God bless! 

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Moving Forward

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La Jolla

“You’re going to forget me in like 2 weeks”

I’m like no. I kind of ended things with someone I was seeing and we agreed that there are several factors that weren’t aligned.

One was the fact that I was waiting until marriage to have sex and he wasn’t in a position to get married anytime soon.

Strangely someone from more than a year ago gave me a call on snapchat. I don’t usually have the app open. I picked up. I had blocked him on all social media because I needed to move on. I could not move on if I kept talking to him. It’s like codependency right?

I grew up with this concept that I needed to stop talking to exes completely.

And it is true, your heart needs to start over. 

As much as we want to keep friends with people we were romantic with, sometimes we just need to start over and “WEAN” off people.

Like I’m weaning off people in my life, to start over and meet new people. 

Don’t look back. Move forward.
It hurts, it hurts but when you talk things out in closure, you realize that it is true, things aren’t aligned and you need to meet someone who has the same values. 

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Prophetic Word- Promises Fulfilled

Look not to your right or left, or to the past, for your promises are yes and amen and you only need to go forward.

No more regrets, forgive yourself. 

It’s in the past.

Now look forward, do you see the rainbows? I was driving to San Diego but felt led to exit San Juan Capistrano and then go towards Lake Elsinore. I was disappointed because what I wanted to do was shut down and I asked 3 Christians I met in the bathroom if I can use their friend’s jet ski and they said no. I took a detour and it was an hour longer.

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But then I saw this and God said “your promises are being fulfilled” and He said to buy flowers from there.

God is breaking off codependency and feelings of lack….things like “I don’t have a mom or dad, I didn’t have a good mom or dad” and God is showing His kids that they are not lacking.

I hear God saying “keep going” don’t stay in the place of grief. I am bringing JOY into your soul. Don’t stay in a place of dryness and hatred, forgive and move forward. 

As you release false responsibility, you will get married, says the Lord. 

Consider sowing a seed into this ministry and this prophetic word, there is power in sowing and I believe God will multiply every seed you sow! God bless you!

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Love Vs. Lust

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It’s 5:35am and I woke up feeling anew.

I was texting friends and telling them how I felt about love versus lust. The last couple of months I’ve talked to people about waiting until marriage to have sex. I wish more people talked about sexuality and sex. I wish more people realized how damaging sex really can be outside of love.

Even as a virgin, I experienced sexual and physical experiences.

As a spiritual being, I started to become even more aware when I would hear “unclean spirits”. Even if I wanted to ignore it my spiritual senses became heightened. I felt unclean, not because of what I was doing but because of the spirits that were attached the person I was with.

So I could say “God I just want to enjoy myself” but now I realize there is something impure in lust. You are righteous in Christ Jesus, but there is something damaging to the soul when you are being used for physical pleasure versus connecting out of love. 

The more spiritual you become, growing in sensitivity to God, the more you sense what spirit people are operating out of.

A spirit of lust basically takes over you.

If you notice kissing someone, and all of a sudden your vagina/penis kicks in and at a certain moment, you no longer feel like you have control over your mind or emotions. Endorphins are being released but something spiritual is also happening.

Love and lust are very different things.

Love causes you to reach out, love causes you to express how you feel, love endures, it doesn’t give up.

Lust gives up, lust is momentary. 

Love makes you feel safe.

Lust is corrupt, it doesn’t make you feel safe. It feels good in the moment but later you feel used, it’s unclean. I have felt it before.

Love doesn’t leave you stranded, love communicates.

Lust ghosts. 

Love wants to understand and listen to you.

Lust simply wants to get in your pants. Lust has no desire to communicate clearly, it overtakes you and has no desire to understand your emotions. It’s a USER! Lust only has one agenda- sex. Lust uses for momentary pleasure and has no commitment. 

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Love makes you feel like a queen, but lust makes you feel like a whore.

God is mending and healing your sexual wounds. He says that you are MORE THAN YOUR BODY. You are a temple. When you’ve been filled with the Holy Spirit, you start to become even more sensitive to His heart for you.

God is doing something new for you. 

He is renewing your heart. He is redeeming you from the past.

God, I just cut off the past, negative cycles I cut it off in Jesus name!

I break and loose any soul ties that are not from you in Jesus name and call back any remnants of our soul in Jesus name.

Is that person going to stay with you and make you feel like a queen? Is he willing to sacrifice himself for you? 

Is he calling you and asking you about your day? Is he concerned about your welfare? Is he asking you about how you feel? Is he concerned for your safety and checks in on you? Does he tell you that he loves you? 

Or is he simply using you for a momentary release?

Sow a seed to this ministry and this prophetic word-

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Prophetic -Wedding Dream

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The last couple of days I’ve had several prophetic confirmation of marriage.

Last night I had a dream about two friends that are married. I had a dream I had to get to a wedding, an appointment and it was almost 8pm, but I wasn’t sure what time my appointment was. I also had another dream about my friend who is engaged. I asked what time my appointment was. I then took down a book I never read and it was a book I gave my brother Isaak about marriage engagement. I opened it.

Yesterday the Lord impressed on my heart to rent a mustang convertible (as you know recently I was verbally attacked by a company and was rewarded some rentals, but I asked to get the mustang for an additional fee). I had my hair dyed too.

The top was not completely down (and the car started warning me by blinking lights) so I exited the freeway near Beverly Hills. 

I saw a Jewish owned cafe and saw a man inside. I was about to leave but I heard God say “eat here”. I said okay God. I parked and went inside and heard “he’s a lost sheep”. I asked if he was Christian and he said he grew up mormon. I was feeling really numb because I felt really disappointed by the dating process. I’d meet a guy and I’d know he is not the one. I told him how I felt and started crying.

He said “that’s so weird because I got married in a mustang convertible and my wife had blue hair like yours”.

I was in shock.

Before that I heard the Lord say “go to San Diego”. I called a friend trying to see if we could meet but he was a bit wishy washy and suddenly I really needed to use the restroom. I exited and found an outlet. It was 7:30pm. One store was closing at 8pm. I talked to the girl and it turned out she was Christian. She said she had been married for 5 years. She encouraged me and said that I was going to meet my husband. I tried on a few dresses and the Lord say to get them. The brand was called “final touch”, which reminded me of the dream the night before where I was preparing to go to my friend’s joy’s wedding.

I got in the car and felt led to call my friend Anna. I was on a date the night before when I saw her walk by with her husband. She looked at me but didn’t recognize me because I had dyed hair, it was blonde and the base for my hair dye. I wasn’t sure if it was her. However when I asked the waitress what her name was she said “Anna”. Anna is my birth name, it’s actually my middle name on my birth certificate. My aunt decided that didn’t suit me and asked my parents to name me Rebekka.

I messaged her that night and it was HER.

When we talked she told me she had been married for almost 5 years, the same number of years the clothing store staff was married. 

That night the Lord told me to go to the Abbey and I saw a girl sitting by herself. I went to join her and she was also Christian, of course. I proceeded to talk to the bartender and he was Christian, then I talked to two girls and they were Italian and Christian too.

I said the bartender was cute, and she said “yah I know and he is Christian too, he’s my ex from 2003”.

As a prophet I see signs in everything. I felt the Lord saying “it’s all coming back”. It is coming, your promises, don’t be disappointed or discouraged. It’s coming SO MUCH faster than you think.

Yesterday in my dream I was way closer to my appointment than the dream from the night before, but I felt this frenzy of “what’s the exact time of my appointment”. But my friend who is getting engaged held my hand and said “it’s going to be okay”.

It’s COMING – I PRAY THE LORD PUT SO MUCH JOY IN YOUR HEART AS YOU GO THROUGH THE PROCESS. I PRAY to cast out any discouragement in Jesus name!!!

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The man who married in a convertible and his ex-wife had blue hair.IMG_2306

Dance instructors and singers at the AbbeyIMG_2285

Woman I drove 60 miles to meet, married for 5 years from UkraineIMG_2310

God’s “final touch”. Are you ready??? IMG_2293

The girl who was sitting by herself

Proverbs 13:12

12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
    but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Prophetic Word-

I feel like the Lord wants to encourage you. It’s time to come out of hiding and come back to vulnerability. There are people who are ready to talk to you when you’re ready. They are on the health route, it may not be easy and you may need to be vulnerable but don’t be scared. As someone who had been wounded by Christians, the Lord sent me to lost sheep to aid and help them. But God is bringing me back to people who are not “lost”. They need a prophetic word too, they need help too but they are able to offer Godly advice. As I’m getting closer to marriage, God keeps bringing married people into my life. I’m ready God, are you?

 

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Overcoming Rejection and No Longer Walking On Eggshells

97778308_10163614691715603_5882939738964361216_nDoes it feel like you are walking on eggshells when you’re around your parents? 

I woke up hearing “you are enough, you are beautiful, you are healthy”.

God told me “people will turn to comfort when they’ve been rejected by their parents”. A spirit of rejection causes people to turn to even the faintest idea of comfort, even if they know it is unhealthy. 

Even if you know that a person is unhealthy for you, even if you know that drugs, addictions, porn, etc is unhealthy you’ll still go to it because you feel rejected by your parents or there is a feeling of “walking on eggshells”. 

I don’t feel safe is what you feel and say to yourself. 

God has been putting me through a process of healing. I realize that I have a hard time just going to bed if I feel like I am not being vulnerable with my mother when she is at home. Once I’m in bed I knock out though.

There is no fear in love. 

Are you afraid to be yourself around your parents?

That seeps into your other friendships and relationships.

If you were a caretaker to your parents, you find familiarity in trying to help people in your friendships and relationships.

I found comfort in being the caretaker because I also took care of my mom’s emotions growing up. When someone actually wants to take care of me or be emotionally supportive I felt that they probably wanted to control me or tell me what to do (since my mom was controlling). 

When I had a car I was driving everyone around, when I got rid of my car very people actually helped me.

God really used ministry to help me turn the table around. He said “you are worthy to be helped and supported”, but it came with a lot of persecution. Now people were mad that I was the one that needed help. They couldn’t get with the idea that I was not all sufficient as a human being, that I actually needed their help this time. 

But for some reason when I was always helping them, giving them emotional support, spiritual guidance and not asking for anything in return- they were okay with that model. But once I started asking for donations they fled. 

Because people don’t want to reciprocate. They don’t want to show up. Not everyone of course, but that’s what I saw. If it meant they had to participate they bailed. Because it dealt with their sense of inadequacy and the stronghold of lack.

Most people I minister to are running away from their parents, because they feel rejected by them. When a parent rejects their kid and doesn’t want to talk to them, the kid feels a sense of being unloved. 

When a kid feels unloved he or she will go to drugs, food, shopping, other people etc to feel accepted.

And the truth is sometimes parents aren’t the best people to give us the love we need or crave. But if you feel unsafe, you will go find solace in things that feel safe in the moment but maybe have no longevity.

I experienced financial, physical and emotional lack growing up. My mom was often at work and I was left home alone at a young age. I also started working when I was 8, and lacked emotional support. My mom never asked me how I was doing emotionally.

It makes sense that God called me to pastor lost sheep.

But in doing so I also come in contact with people who have the same issues- feeling rejected, easily triggered, feelings of being attacked emotionally, etc.

When I was younger I was a people pleaser because it was easier to please people and be accepted than to tell the truth and be rejected for my truth. But then God started to tell me to tell people the truth or to do things contrary to peoples’ expectations. The rejection hurt but now I realize that people didn’t really love me for who I am in the past, they loved me for who they wanted me to be.

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Skatepark in Venice Beach – a place where many young people escape to for safety. I met a 22 year old mom that was getting yelled at by her husband. I told her that I saw her as an actress as I was a prophet. She was happy to hear that. Sometimes when we’ve been abused by our parents we find partners that are also abusive. The road to healing and wholeness is to identify what we lacked growing up and identify what we actually need from a partner.

Would you consider contributing to this ministry? Your contribution makes a difference in the lives of people who are rejected by their parents and are seeking solace. Help me bring Jesus to people. Thank you!

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Some people I met at the drum circle in Venice Beach

 

 

 

Growing Up With An Unsafe Mother

I grew up with a mother that was always critical and yelling. I put aside my own emotions and suppressed my own emotions of anger and sadness to create space for her mood swings. My dad was physically and emotionally absent.
Here are signs that you did not grow up with a safe family:
    1. You are scared to speak up for yourself
    2. You try to please everyone
    3. You try to please your parents and you don’t say what’s on your mind
    4. You neglect your own emotions
    5. You think it is your fault when someone is angry and you try to do everything to make them happy
    6. You don’t know what you want, you have neglected your own desires to cater to other peoples’ desires
    7. You don’t know how to say no and you spend time with people who try to manipulate you or force you to do things you don’t want to do
These are all issues I’ve learned to OVERCOME because of the power of Jesus. He has repeatedly told me to do things that CAUSED me to face rejection, “displease” others, and trigger others but HELPED me to OVERCOME any fear of peoples’ responses. In this way, I have become totally myself and not live for other peoples’ approval.
What is a safe person?
  1. They are honest about how they feel and they can bring their truth to the table
  2. If you tell them the truth, they may need time to heal but they can come back and be honest with you about how they feel
  3. They embrace your emotions and validate them, not push them away or tell you to “grow up”. They allow you to cry and be angry.
  4. They are gentle with your emotions, they love you through your journey but they also tell you the truth if they aren’t able to be emotionally present
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God Told Me To Write About Sex

98307202_10163665291360603_8937155777026588672_nI heard the Lord say “write about sex”.

We live in a societal standard of quick and temporary pleasure. Ubereats, uber, app dates, tinder.

Yesterday I had a divine appointment (an appointment set up by the Lord). My friend wanted to go to Veggie Grill and we met this guy with a Chinese straw hat and buddhist necklace on his chest in the parking lot…we started talking to him. For some reason the celery and fake Vegan buffalo wings looked good, though I never eat Vegan food because I am very Carnivorous. I love animals, don’t get me wrong.

We talked a bit and I just felt like he really needed a hug. Our initial plan was to go to the beach and I felt the Lord say “go with him” so I told my friend I would meet with her at the beach and that I would ride with him to get to the beach.

I don’t know how our conversation led to sex but I said that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. This is something I talk about with strangers and guys who hit on me, or basically every divine appointment now. Most of my divine appointments are guys now. 

He said he had a porn addiction, not anymore I don’t think but he did. I said that the reason people watch porn is because they’re not expressing themselves emotionally. I admitted that I was feeling emotionally numb and I had watched a bit of porn (and I haven’t done so in a year or so).

I knew there was going to be more healing in our conversation.

Then I heard the Lord say “go to Pasadena”.

I told my friend that I would meet up with her later but that I was going to go for a drive with this guy.

He told me that it was weird because he met two other virgins on Tinder. Sometimes as we were talking he’d look at a woman with a sports bra on and he’d say “I can’t stop staring at her”. He said had anal sex with someone a few days ago. It felt really good. I cringed. I will never try anal sex. To me that is where poop comes from.

I told him that I know my vagina or clit probably better than women have sex. I orgasm too.

I told him that I started masturbating when I was 6 or 7. I was on the floor and I starting grinding on my knuckles. I was neglected as a kid, I didn’t get emotional support. I saw my parents throwing stuff at each other, yelling. I was scared. I didn’t know who to talk to so I self-gratified to feel better. I didn’t know what I was doing. Later on I felt guilty for doing it because that’s what church taught me. So I’d pray to God “dear God, forgive me of my sins”.

Later on I learned that Jesus already died for all my sins.

And the deeper root of something like porn addiction or masturbation comes from not being able to express ourselves and have safe intimate relationships and emotional support. 

My mom used to yell, we never just talked about our emotions. She never asked me how I was feeling. I just listened to her vent. It was what people call “emotional incest” in psychology. I became the emotional adult, soaking in all the complaints and negativity. I was a kid but I became a therapist. I was an empath, I got shingles when I was 14. I was stressed and I didn’t tell people about my problems. No one knew behind the smile and laughter that I put on.

It was a lie.

But people loved my lie.

Okay so back to the ride with the guy. He starts complaining to me “why are we going to Pasadena, it is so far! I just came from there? What is the point?”

I can hear the anger.

I said “something needs to be healed”. He confessed to me two girls did black magic on him yesterday. I felt something pressing on my head and starting praying to bind the witchcraft and demonic entity, casting out any spirits that were oppressing him as well.

He was Buddhist but he grew up Catholic. He did chants. I told him that he needed to be careful as some chants are demonic and witchcraft invites spirits to attack him. He said that he didn’t really believe Jesus was the only way but Jesus did appear to him a few days ago in a dream. A white bright light.

He starts getting angrier in the car, he starts yelling “you’re driving too fast, slow down”.

I can feel myself clenching my butt in nervousness.

We arrive at a park and I feel weird. I need to cry so I start crying. We hug and I tell him that I don’t like it when people yell at me because it reminds me of my mom. I don’t like anger, my mom was angry her whole life. She was quick to be angry so I would suppress my anger because I never wanted someone to feel guilty or bad because of my anger. 

I can see his heart softening but there is still more.

We drive back to the beach and he confesses to me that his ex cheated on him and he was angry. He would go back and forth from angry to sane. Honestly in my mind I was wondering “God why did you send him to me?”

Well, I did cry, so I did need that.

I have been dealing with men for the last 5 months and I have learned a lot about men. Sometimes I get mad, I get upset, I want to hate them, and sometimes my heart softens up and I understand they are broken and in pain. I don’t really understand them.

My friend and I go back and forth about men. She had a guy yell at her and be verbally abusive. I don’t get that either, God why did you send the most abusive lost sheep to her.

I shared with the guy that I had cheated on my ex before too. My ex was not emotionally open and when I got attention from elsewhere I felt validated and ended up cheating on my ex. 

His parents were emotionally immature too. The dad yelled all the time and his mom never listened to him. The only time he would really calm down is when I pat him on the back or gave him a hug.

His hyped up sexuality and porn addiction came from an emotionally unsafe home. We turn to different things for gratification. But after meeting hundreds of men in the last few months I have realized that the world has a real problem.

Men are not taught to be vulnerable, to cry or be okay with their emotions. This leads to excessive anger, violence, drug and porn addictions. 

Even I was taught to suppress my sadness, to not cry. Everytime my mom would yell at me I felt my heart shut down in fear. “Don’t feel anything, you’re not safe”. Masturbation was my go to to feel anything because after I climaxed I would cry and be able to feel my emotions, and that emotion was usually pain.

I have learned for a year to express my emotions with a friend of mine. God tells us to tell people how we feel. I’ve told my mother that she hurt me by yelling at me, I’ve told her that I didn’t feel safe. God has also told me my husband is coming soon.

I have divine appointments with men everyday.

One night the Lord told me to go to Pasadena and I got a ride from an older gentleman. I asked him to buy my dinner (as the Lord often leads me to do). He suggested we get a room. In my mind I was like “wow creeper”. I told him that I was waiting until marriage to have sex and I was not interested in having sex with him.

But he was Catholic and I knew there was healing to be done. We talked at the park. He said that his wife cheated on him. He didn’t know for a long time. His friend told him. After that he started sleeping with younger women. He showed me pictures of them. They were beautiful but all they wanted was his money. He said the only reason he drove lyft was because he was lonely. He had no one to talk to at night after work.

He wanted someone to go home to.

Yet he was sleeping with women at first meeting. I said that he could not expect to find a woman who is willing to stay with him if he just sleeps with them in the beginning. He kept saying “waiting for marriage” was outdated thinking. He said he thought that 20 years ago. He said that he was a taxi driver outside a club and many women would take revenge on their boyfriends by sleeping with him. They’d get a room.

He complained that he bought me dinner but he couldn’t even get a kiss?

I said “I’m not a prostitute, I’m a prophet”.

“Yes but we are man and woman, that’s what they do”

“Just because you are man and woman does not mean you have to have sex”

He dropped me off and I prophesied to him. “Open your heart to love”.

The next day I felt super gross about how he acted and left him a message. I said that woman are not pieces of meat, they are daughters of God. Again I questioned God, why did you lead me to him?

But after the episode with the Buddhist I realize why God leads me to these people.

None of us are perfect and God has me minister to broken people. I hugged the young man and said as the Lord spoke to me “it’s not your fault, you couldn’t have done anything to prevent your ex from cheating, God loves you, He says you are His son”. He looked like he was going to cry but he didn’t. 

I did though. I felt the pain.

When I was younger, I was afraid to feel pain at times. I didn’t feel safe to cry around my mother. I got yelled at for crying.

Now, I embrace the tears, I cry for people. I cry with people. It is amazing to feel.

I told him that I never had emotional support and now I realize I need that place of vulnerability with a guy. I need to connect on an emotional level with a man, not just physical.

He understood this but he said “see that woman with a bra, you probably have much more love than her but I still can’t stop staring”. 

I said “you accept what you’re used to. If you didn’t get emotional support, you’re comfortable with just physical pleasure”.

It’s time to receive the Love you really deserve….the type of love that doesn’t judge you for crying, or being vulnerable. You deserve to be heard and understood.

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You Are Safe

96691033_10163602583680603_4809437904851959808_n.jpg“You lied to me. Friends don’t lie”.

I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. The emotions were raw. I could feel like my eyes were bulging out of my chest and my heart was about to explode. Eventually tears came and it felt good to feel. 

Sometimes we just go about our day, never revealing to people how we feel. We control every factor. We plan our day, our drive, our GPS to life. We never allow God to flow through us.

How about now? When’s the last time you felt completely broken in front of God. 

I really feel this today. Even though I am close to God, perhaps I’ve closed my heart to God. So many disappointments, so many closed doors. We can become disheartened and no longer feel. What is the point of feeling this emotion, it’s hopeless. We become depressed because we don’t expect anything good anymore. 

God has been putting me through reality show quality drama. 

I mean I am talking about not being in control ever. Not only are there divine appointments wherever I go….there are a lot of unknown factors.

Okay, throw a guy into the mix, then some lies, betrayal. Okay, throw the fact that someone just told me he saw a dead woman lying on the street due to a car accident. This friend told me that he felt really weird today.

Oh you mean maybe you need to cry?

Feeling gross, yucky, weird…….indicates that you may need a good cry. But the lies have to come out first. So you either talk to God, or most likely God wants you to talk to people about it. 

It can be simple….

Like “why did you lie to me?”

“I felt unwanted when you did this______”

“You hurt me, I feel deceived”

Not everyone is open to that discussion. I can feel my heart more than I’ve ever felt. It’s scary.

But YOU ARE ENOUGH.

No wonder what you’ve been through- you are enough. You are not lacking. Feel your emotions, sit in the safety of my arms. I’m here.

Sow a seed-

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I LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!