A Real Conversation with God About Pain

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To Listen to the Blog post 

I hear you talk, and I know your voice but I don’t seem to know what I feel or what I’m thinking.

This needs to be fixed. I felt like a mute kid, that kid playing under the table. I stopped speaking because I lost my heart to betrayals and heartbreaks.

What’s the point of speaking if I’ll be dismissed. 

I saw this in my relationship with my dad, I spoke my mind but he disappeared, for a few days without telling me.

He disappeared for 10 years, then every time I visited another 3 went back.

I saw this pattern in my life, people disappearing. 

But you never did, did you God?

God – no. I never will.

Me- But why does it feel like you are silent when I need you to speak, and why do you speak when I want you to be silent?

God- Because I can’t be controlled and I don’t need to give you directions all the time, you can trust your heart.

Me- I’m not sure if I trust my heart because it obviously gets trampled when I throw my pearls to people. I try to guard my heart the best I can, but I still get ravaged.

God- Your heart is in the palm of my hands and I love you to the earth and back. You are my beloved and I will never let you go, I will never neglect you.

Me- But why does it feel like you are neglecting me right now. Why is everything so hard? Like pins and needles in my heart?

God- Come to me and I will give you rest. You don’t have to be afraid of me.

Me- It’s easier to fix the external things then to just submit myself to the process. The pain is too much to bear. Yesterday I felt like a wrecking ball. Like the song.

God- This pain isn’t forever, this pain is a passing thing. It doesn’t belong to you. Let it out and cry if you have to, cry and let the pain through. Don’t stop the pain. Let it pass through you. 

Me- I want to be in control, to make things happen, but I know that’s not what I need. I need to just let the pain through but pain is uncontrollable, it comes out when you least expect it. Like when I was eating at a restaurant with hundreds of people around me, I can feel their eyes staring. I am embarrassed and horrified. So I let a few trickles out. My mother is accusing me of being useless, she makes me feel like I am a burden.

God- you are a gift from heaven to earth. You are a gift my dear, not a burden. You are my precious queen.

Me- The words sting so much I can’t seem to hear anything else.

God- Then saturate your soul with my words. Any words that align with my heart, listen to that, hear that, speak that.

Me- Why do I have to keep doing damage control? Why can’t I just leave? Move out already? Why don’t you make a way?

God- Because I am doing something new, I need to solidify identity in your soul and spirit. So the battle seems hotter, heated, tougher, but you will get out of it golden. Don’t run from the battle, run straight into my arms. You are safe here, the words are just flies. The words are lies, it hurts but they are lies. They aren’t true.

I will never leave nor forsake you. Lift up your head, your not what those words are dear. I will never drop you, I’m not a deadbeat dad.

Me- Am I really safe with you?

God- yes. Beyond safe. Let the pain through, don’t stop or clog it. Don’t distract yourself with doing. Don’t try to fix the external, don’t try to run away, don’t try to figure out your life.

Sit with me in the fire. Sit and let me extinguish the fire, let the water of the Spirit wash you. Because my love is enough, don’t be afraid. My love is enough for you. Don’t go looking for it anywhere else, my love is enough.

Come to me all who are weary. I know nothing LOOKS right, nothing feels right, but I am here with you in the fire. Look into my eyes, don’t look away. Look into my gaze, because this love is enough. 

Love, Rebekka

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Boast In Christ Alone

I woke up at 4 am after having a dream where I paid $60 for a room and I shared it with 3 other people. 

The number 6 signifies weakness, man’s sin that separated us from God. 6 indicates man was created in Genesis 1:31 (on the 6th day). It represents man’s weakness.

The Lord started speaking through me as I created this video. I encourage you to watch or listen to the video as God spoke to me LOUD AND CLEAR.

The power of GRACE has nothing to do with you.
It has nothing to do with you qualifying yourself, or being good, or doing good things.

Paul murdered Christians! And God spoke to him, Paul had an encounter with God that transformed him! David also was a murderer, he killed a woman’s husband just to have her. You think that people in the Bible didn’t have issues???? Think again.

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me

Grace is unmerited. It’s unearned.

I am reminded that people kept trying to disqualify me by saying I didn’t go to seminary or I wasn’t sent by a church but that’s grace, Paul was not qualified by his being a good person, he killed Christians previously. And all the more he boasted in Jesus when He encountered the unconditional forgiveness of God. He was powered by the Holy Spirit alone, not in his own adequacies, strengths or giftings.

I boast not in my resume.

I boast not in my family connection.

I boast not in my work experience.

I boast not in my credit score.

I boast not in what a good friend I am.

I boast not in my own abilities or talents.

I boast not in what I wear.

I boast not in what house or car I drive.

I boast not in my works.

I boast in Christ alone. 

 

Jesus did not ask the thief to come down the cross and repay everything he stole. The work of recompense was not the criminal’s work. 

But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”
The work of recompense has been finished on the cross. So if anyone makes you feel guilty like you need to make up for the past, it is a lie. You cannot. And writing that made me realize that my dad cannot make up for the past, and I have to move on and seek that recompense from God. 
Then after making that video I fell asleep again and had a dream I opened this mirror and took out antifreeze to put on my teeth, but suddenly my teeth started falling and I was freaking out.
Fortunately a man I was with, a comforter, I was lying on his shoulders-  started gluing it back but they were still falling out so a lady came and use supernatural glue to put my teeth back.
I believe the man represents “man’s ways” and the lady represents the holy spirit.
In the dream I started shouting “I got my wisdom back!!!”
Then I woke up.
I think the devil had been trying really hard to make me feel ashamed about my life situation, how I am living with my mother right now (as God has ordained for me to do right now), how I am driving her car (and I really hate it), and I was comparing myself to others that seemed more successful.
And then I got a smack in my spiritual face (HEY CHRIST ALONE, BOAST IN NOTHING ELSE!)
My identity is not in my life’s circumstance.
My identity is BEING A CHILD OF GOD. AND THAT IS HUGE.
THE GOD OF THIS UNIVERSE LOVES ME.
That is everything. I am redeemed by the Lord. I am loved by the Lord. You don’t have “nothing”, you have EVERYTHING when you are God’s child. You are a prince, a queen, a heir! 
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 1 Peter 2:9
When I was on the road in New Zealand with $5 it was hard to not think that “I had nothing”- God was instilling in me “You are my messenger, you are saved by the blood of Jesus, you have everything, you have the living Christ on the inside of you”.
You have the healing power to heal all sickness and disease.
You have all riches in Christ Jesus according to His riches in glory.
You have the power of the blood to conquer demons, fear, anxiety and depression.
You have the knowledge of being a child of God, protected by the Father, you are not an orphan.
No matter where you go, you are protected by God’s angels in all corners of the world.
Jesus has triumphed death on the cross for you so you have eternal life.
You have a comforter named the Holy Spirit that when you are heart broken you can turn to Him.
You have a God who leads you no matter what circumstances you are in. The voice of God will lead you to where you need to go.
You have divine knowledge about the world around you.
YOU HAVE DOMINION OVER EVERY ATMOSPHERE around you. EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING ON AROUND YOU YOU CAN PRAY OVER. If there is a man possessed, you can cast out that demon.
One time I was in Fiji and a man was talking to himself. I went over and cast out the spirit of lack. Immediately he talked like a normal person and asked if he could carry my bags. 
You are whole in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, which means you are NOT LACKING in anyway! You don’t need to do better or be better, you are already the best in God’s eyes.
Everything is spiritual on this earth. Every conflict, fight has to do with “a spirit of lack” that tries to make humans feel less than. The devil will come to attack your mind but claim the blood of Jesus over you.

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How To Overcome The Fear Of People and Lack

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Here are examples overcoming the fear of people:

  1. You’re getting a massage and the pressure is not enough or it’s too much- you’re afraid to speak up and you don’t. The opposite spirit is to boldly say what you need.

Here are real life examples I’ve gone through-

  • One time I was getting a massage at an airport and the ac was blowing on my head so I was really cold. I asked to move and they said no. I asked several times until they allowed me to move. The whole room was staring at me, I could feel their thoughts. But no, I was not going to back down. The staff was probably talking crap about me, but no I was not comfortable and needed to OVERCOME the spirit of fear in that room.
  • I was in San Francisco and my neighbors were really loud, had the tv blasting so I talked to the receptionist and HE WAS AFRAID to confront the tenants so I went to each door to ask them to be quiet but some of them got really angry and started yelling. The spirit of fear CAME AGAINST ME where I was afraid to KNOCK ON PEOPLE’S DOORS BUT I DID IT because there was no way I could sleep. 
  • I was in New Zealand at a staff dorm room and one guy was really hot, I don’t know why, it was super cold at that time. I kept closing the door and finally he screamed at me and started cussing. I walked out of that room and started crying. God gave me a way out and the next day I left that hostel before my work term was over since I was there to work in trade for accommodation. I told the boss that it was a TOXIC WORK ENVIRONMENT.
  • One time I went to a Thai restaurant and the food was way too sweet. God said “ask to exchange it” so I did. The lady got really mad. Again, it was too sweet the second time so I spoke up. Again she got mad. I was courteous and polite but also firm. I came against that spirit of intimidation by SPEAKING MY MIND in love.

I HAVE THOUSANDS OF STORIES, some WAY MORE INTENSE THAN OTHERS.

What I’ve learned IS THAT I CANNOT BE AFRAID TO SPEAK MY MIND. NOT IN A MEAN WAY BUT IN A WAY THAT SAYS NO, I need to get what I want because WHAT PEOPLE THINK WILL ALWAYS TRY TO COME AGAINST YOU. 

YOU KNOW IT’S FEAR WHEN:

  1. You feel immobilized
  2. You feel suffocated
  3. You feel like you are holding back
  4. You feel like you can’t breathe
  5. You can’t speak

I BREAK OFF THE SPIRIT OF FEAR.

THE ONLY WAY TO BREAK OFF FEAR IS TO DO! DO WHAT GOD TELLS YOU! 

This morning the Lord had me give to someone then ask them to sow whatever amount back, they did. But then I heard God say do it again.

It might seem strange to some people but once I did it, I felt fear and the fear of lack (not being enough and also fear of what people think) BREAK OFF IN THAT INSTANT.

WHAT GOD CALLS YOU TO DO MAY BE STRANGE AND CRAZY BUT WHEN YOU DO IT YOU WILL BE FEARLESS! 

You know what people who MOVE TO THE NEXT LEVEL HAVE – at each level they are called to live in LESS FEAR OF PEOPLE. It’s THE CRAZY ONES that have no fear of men that actually live to their fullest potential.

Today I’m asking you to give to this ministry and be part of a FEARLESS GENERATION THAT WON’T LIVE IN FEAR BUT IN THE BOLDNESS AND FREEDOM OF Jesus Christ!

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Do You Like Yourself? My Journey Of Finding Wholeness

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Happy Valentine’s day.

I used to have boy crushes growing up. I had these unhealthy obsessions of male celebrities and I had quick soul ties with men. I was just boy obsessed. I didn’t grow up with my dad. My parents divorced when I was 8 and we moved to Los Angeles from Taiwan. From then on I didn’t see my dad until I was 18 years old when I went to Taiwan. He looked like a stranger, an old man. But he was related to me, but a pure stranger. 

It took several visits for me to finally forgive him and let go of my “ideal childhood”. I grew up with severe depression because I just felt sad that I didn’t grow up with my dad. This cloud over my mind and being affected every area of my life.

But I didn’t know it stemmed from hopelessness….that hopelessness of feeling unwanted, abandoned, rejected, uncherished.

I grew close to God. I would journal and talk to God, but I felt far away from Him too. Sometimes I felt like I had to achieve and perform to please Him.

It took years and years for me to see that God is pleased with me, He doesn’t need me to please Him, that’s why Jesus died on the cross for me. His love is constant and unchanging, totally unconditional and totally overflowing. 

I tried to find love in a potential boyfriend. I fell into relationships out of convenience or for the pure desire for companionship. Though our desire for companionship is God-willed…our neediness isn’t. 

Our neediness is a reflection of the God-void in our hearts.

We all desire God, but we just don’t know it.

Fast forward from my teens to now (I just turned 30 years old, the age where everyone expects that you should have everything together)….I don’t need a man.

I really don’t. I do desire marriage and a life partner but I have never felt more complete than now. 

Because throughout the last 3 years, God would whisper “you are enough”. Every time I felt like I was not enough, I was lacking, I didn’t have this or that….every time I felt inadequate or unable, every time I felt like I was gaining weight or accused….whatever it was, it would come down to “you are enough”. 

That’s why I am enough and I don’t have a need for anything or anyone else but God.

God totally and completely completes me. 

In Him I am enough. 

I am so blessed to have come to this revelation in my life. I hope that this fact of “you are enough” will open your heart to the Only One who can give you love, unconditional and everlasting.

PS- is it easy? No. It’s not always easy to stay in that knowledge when everyone around you tells you you are not enough, but that is why I have found “alone time” to be most vital. Alone time helps me recuperate from the words of family members, it gives me time to receive from God and to be loved by God even when the world around me attacks me.

The best gift I received today, from myself….is alone time. I feel like I can breathe again. Though it is nice to spend time with loved ones, alone time helps me find my heart again especially when others have their own issues to deal with.

With love, Rebekka – Hugs!

When you are enough, you can rest and be loved.

When you are enough, you don’t feel rushed to be more.

When you are enough, you grow in beauty and wisdom.

Remember Your Way Into Your Promised Land

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Human beings have such amnesia. 

As I was taking a shower, I heard God say “remember my goodness”.

Remember how I delivered you from that broken heart,

remember how I provided for you in the waiting season,

remember how I kept you safe in your travels, when you were healed of deathly food poisoning.

Stop complaining, remember my goodness. 

Every time God delivered you, did you remember to thank Him or did you start focusing on what ELSE you didn’t have? When God kept you safe and healthy after a trip, did you realize that you could have been hurt but God delivered you from evil?

“Remember my goodness so that you can walk through the unknowns and into your promised land” says the Lord. 

I recently went to China and weird enough, after 3 weeks I forgot what God did for me. He sent me to China with 2 weeks notice, He paid for my trip, He delivered me from evil (this evil was manipulation from a salesperson), he kept me healthy on the trip, and He made sure my mom was safe when we separated on our trip and she went her own way.

Somehow my focus was already on what wasn’t happening next. 

Thank God before He delivers you, thank God before He provides, thank God before the door opens, thank God even when you see no progress, even when your child is still disobedient or hanging out with the wrong people, thank God even when your health seems worse than before, thank God before you find housing, thank God before that bill is paid, thank God before your relationships are restored, thank God before He brings your life partner, thank God before your book is published, thank God before you get that big paycheck, thank God before the door opens, thank God for the little because when you thank GOD for the little, He will multiply it. 

Nothing is impossible for God.

If you believe, share this post so the world can be reminded to live in remembrance of God’s goodness. 

Every negative word out of our mouths taints our hearts and digs our own graves. We can build a NEW and GOOD future by being thankful everyday.

It’s all perspective isn’t it? If you believe we are all connected, then one positive and thankful word, post, encouragement can be a catalyst for goodness in this world.

If we can remember what God has done for us before, we will remember “oh yah GOD is for me and not against me! He loves me and He IS a good Father….and all those other lies that are drifting in your mind will dissipate…like the lies that God has forgotten you or doesn’t care about you….they’re all lies!!!….Remember my goodness says the Lord!”

Share and like this post & don’t forget to subscribe on the right hand side of the blog- XOXO Love BEX

No One Can Be Your Everything

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It sounds unromantic, but it’s realistic. 

Your girlfriend or boyfriend can’t be your everything. Your wife and husband can’t be your everything. Your friends or family can’t be your everything.

Because everything is perfect and no one is perfect. Imperfect people will soon disappoint you if you placed your hopes and dreams on just one person. 

Yesterday I went to a forgiveness class and there was a questionnaire that asked something along the lines of :

“I am angry at_______because of___________” From 1-5 level forgiveness level.

I put down family members and noticed a theme.

Everything stemmed from my absent father. He was physically and emotionally absent for 10 years and even before then my parents were already separated. So I lacked the emotional support of a father and my mother was also very emotionally absent from me. 

So I started looking for that emotional support somewhere else, friends. 

But when they said the wrong thing, set their own boundaries, I couldn’t take it. I lashed out, I disappeared just as my father disappeared from my life. That was the only way I knew how to protect myself. 

I let other people step on me or was NICE to people to get what I wanted- their approval. 

Then God took me into a journey of solitude and seeing myself right.

I needed to make God my sole emotional support and to be my own biggest cheerleader.

I’m not SAYING we don’t need people, because people help us, support us…in the right ways…..

BUT when we are looking for approval from people—-they will surely anger and disappoint you. Approval doesn’t come from people. God has already approved of you. He says “you are enough, you are worthy of love”.

Everyone has bad days. If we look for approval and put unjust burden on them to take care of us when they are incapable of even taking care of themselves—-we become codependent. 

Codependency.

This happens when we make people God. People are not God. People are imperfect.

See yourself right. You’re not perfect. You will disappoint others. You were not put on this earth to please people nor become a God for them. In fact you HURT them by taking their own emotional responsibilities. 

  1. Awareness
  2. Releasing the Past

So last night I had to come to terms with my past. Yes I reconciled with my dad, yes I forgave him and myself…but did that mean everything changed? No. He was still physically and emotionally absent from my life. Things didn’t change. I didn’t magically become close with him nor did I magically have a happy childhood filled with moments where I shared my heart with my dad. 

A moment of grief.

A moment of acceptance.

I said “I accept that this is the reality and I’m accepting it because you God are my everything and I want to share my heart with you”.

Now I can truly let go. I can’t change the past nor can I really change this relationship by myself and it’s okay. It’s okay because God’s got me.

Now I need to be the biggest cheerleader for myself….and it’s taken me years to realize that. As I backpacked through the caves of Malaysia and traversed the jungles of Ecuador, climbing mountains in Taiwan I would hear God whispering to me. I was scared at times, lying awake with no one to talk to with deathly food poisoning, thousands of miles away from home. Yes, I didn’t have much of an emotional support, but there I was – “am I enough for you?” I heard my own soul ask. 

You are enough, you are enough. It’s okay.

There was this theme in my questionnaire- “people didn’t support me in my dreams”.

And I remember all the people who felt utterly alone in their dreams – Abraham, Joseph, etc…and all the tech companies that no one believed in in the beginning. LOL.

Do YOU believe in your dreams? 

Allow others to be themselves. You don’t need everyone to believe in your dreams for you to pursue them. Think of it as a secret in your heart, a baby you are feeding. It is exciting and you may want to share it with the world but sometimes the world is not ready for such a magical thing.

Sometimes you might meet a few rare gems who will stand beside you. Don’t make them your everything. Everyone has their own journey to walk and sometimes it’s through a dark and cold alley. God will walk with you through those alleys. He will never leave you.