Let’s Talk About Love & My Heart

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Write your heart out- I hear the Lord saying.

So I went to get a manicure as it’s been something I’ve been wanting to do. I take a long time to pick the colors I like. Today I took out blue, purple, pink, she started to put purple on and I flinched. I didn’t like the color. I said, can I try blue? After 4 different colors I said I wanted bright pink. She became impatient.

I felt bad for making her mad (even though I waited an extra 30 minutes for my appointment).

Then I had a book of nails and suddenly it fell to the ground, and a bunch of the samples fell out. One of the manicurist had to match the samples one by one back into the book.

Again, I felt bad but kept thinking “I am righteous in Christ Jesus”. I apologized.

Then all of a sudden, I realized I was a perfectionist. Like, I wanted to choose the perfect color but for some reason, I couldn’t find the one I wanted and I try really hard to find the “perfect color” or perfect decisions. 

Then a realization hit me. I had stopped trusting my heart. I totally forgot that I went through a heart break this year. I’m going to be super honest from now on. 

I met a guy in Fiji and really liked him. But it was short lived because we lived in different places (well I live all over the world). In an instant, I thought “f it, I’m just going to love someone and not be afraid to get hurt”.

But of course, like one of those sad romances, there was always an ending. I thought he was going to visit me before he left but then after rushing to his hotel to say goodbye, I learned he had already left because he realized his flight was 5 am in the morning. I was disappointed and thought, well, I actually rushed over like in the movies but in reality, life is not like the movies. 

I also knew that he wouldn’t be my husband because he didn’t believe in Jesus and we were just in very different phases of our lives too, so I knew in my heart that it was not going to last.

Then when I went to India, I met another guy I liked. I said again, I just want to make new friends and we liked each other. Again, I knew I had to go, it was an experience for God to open my heart because I had stopped dating shortly after I broke up with my ex in 2014. In fact, there was a season I didn’t talk to any potential partners, I told God I was going to focus on Him (all my previous attempts to date revealed to me that until I knew my worth, I’d never meet the one who could love me the way God sees me).

I told God “heal me so I can understand what I’m worth and who I am”.

I didn’t want to go searching for love in the wrong places when I was still broken inside. I knew I’d just keep meeting guys who were also broken and searching for love in the wrong places (me, and not God). 

About a year ago, before I started doing ministry God gave me a dream where He was showing me different pictures of men and swiping (like on Tinder)- then I heard Him say “get ready”. I also had dreams where I was wearing a wedding dress on an airplane and God was preparing me for marriage.

But I kind of thought, God wouldn’t it be so much easier if you just bring that ONE MAN, so I don’t have to get hurt?

God – there is risk in love, no love is without pain. Otherwise it wouldn’t be love. I wanted you to open your heart up to love, love is messy and risky. Love is not a final destination but a journey. Just because you meet that one person doesn’t mean you’ll not have pain in your life. 

No matter what life brings you will need to have an open heart so you can experience both the pain and joys of life. A closed heart does not experience love or pain, it is numb. A closed heart sits at home and never battles disappointment, sadness, anger nor pain…

A hero, a warrior encounters every emotion. She/he doesn’t shy away from the battle called love and life.

You will get angry, you will get sad, you will be disappointed in life.

You will experience all kinds of hardship but all kinds of joys too.

If you are willing to trust God with your heart, He will tend to and care for your heart. He is in charge of taking care of your heart. He never abandons His children. 

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God- Hello Heart,

Heart- Hi.

God- Don’t be afraid of love. I know you’ve encountered heart break.

Heart- I’m tired of being disappointed.

God- Will you let me hold you?

Heart- okay.

God – Don’t be afraid, I’m right here. I won’t hurt you. I’m here always taking care of you. You can cry, let it out.

Heart- I’ve been abused and misunderstood, spat at. People misunderstand me and hurt me.

Jesus- I understand. I’ve been there. I came to save the ones that hurt me. It hurt my heart too. There are people that will hurt and judge you when you’re trying to set them free. They will misunderstand and reject you and in that moment you must remember, you are just like me. In fact I am there with you, hearing the words you are hearing. 

But then you must come to me and let me speak to your heart. Because I will tell you that you are loved and accepted by me, that there is nothing you can do that will make me love you less. 

My love is perfect. I don’t condemn or guilt trip you, I will never turn away from you. I always draw close to you, I will never run away from you. My love is perfect and complete. I will never scorn you for being imperfect. When I see you I only see Jesus, perfection and completion.

My experiences in friendships have often come with “trying to be perfect” for that person. I’d try really hard to always be there for them. I’d initiate and take time to be there for them, but was often taken for granted. I’d withstand being taken for granted and then suddenly have a moment of “THAT’S IT, I’M TIRED OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF” and suddenly disappear (ghost). I’d unfriend them or block them. That was my habit.

I felt that it was hard to meet people who actually cared for me. I felt that they were often dumping on me emotionally or only coming to me for emotional and spiritual help. Or they would want to “pick my brain”.

I kind of felt like a monkey, you know when a scientist would pick a monkey’s brain?

Later on, I learned to set boundaries and slowly learned to voice my needs and concerns in relationships. First, God would challenge me to ask people for donations. This sparked support and outrage. I had friends that were extremely offended and told me that they were offended. I felt extremely hurt. I said that when they needed help, they often came to me, but when I needed help, it seemed that I didn’t deserve it. 

It outraged me. 

Do you have friends like that? Where it’s constantly one-sided?

Fortunately, God has been mending those relationships lately. He has been showing me that I didn’t do anything wrong, I was simply listening to His instructions. 

I love Jesus because He often tells me to do things outside of my comfort zone but causes me to have healthy relationships in my life.

He longs for us to have relationships that are balanced, not just one-sided. I often felt drained and exhausted by relationships because I was giving so much of myself but was receiving very little of what I needed. It would show up in different areas of my life.

If I was giving too much of myself, I’d experience sickness in my body or shortage of finances. I’d be hosting networking events and be putting my drink on a credit card because I had no more cash. 

The wisdom and knowledge I give to people is worth so much more than money. Freedom cannot be bought by money. Freedom is experienced, often through the hardships we go through.

I am so grateful that God gave me the courage to ask people to sow, whether it’s emotionally, spiritually or financially.

It’s been a long journey. I think if I didn’t know God, I’d never understand my worth. Because there is no fear in love, perfect love casts out fear. 

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