Let’s Talk About Love & My Heart

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Write your heart out- I hear the Lord saying.

So I went to get a manicure as it’s been something I’ve been wanting to do. I take a long time to pick the colors I like. Today I took out blue, purple, pink, she started to put purple on and I flinched. I didn’t like the color. I said, can I try blue? After 4 different colors I said I wanted bright pink. She became impatient.

I felt bad for making her mad (even though I waited an extra 30 minutes for my appointment).

Then I had a book of nails and suddenly it fell to the ground, and a bunch of the samples fell out. One of the manicurist had to match the samples one by one back into the book.

Again, I felt bad but kept thinking “I am righteous in Christ Jesus”. I apologized.

Then all of a sudden, I realized I was a perfectionist. Like, I wanted to choose the perfect color but for some reason, I couldn’t find the one I wanted and I try really hard to find the “perfect color” or perfect decisions. 

Then a realization hit me. I had stopped trusting my heart. I totally forgot that I went through a heart break this year. I’m going to be super honest from now on. 

I met a guy in Fiji and really liked him. But it was short lived because we lived in different places (well I live all over the world). In an instant, I thought “f it, I’m just going to love someone and not be afraid to get hurt”.

But of course, like one of those sad romances, there was always an ending. I thought he was going to visit me before he left but then after rushing to his hotel to say goodbye, I learned he had already left because he realized his flight was 5 am in the morning. I was disappointed and thought, well, I actually rushed over like in the movies but in reality, life is not like the movies. 

I also knew that he wouldn’t be my husband because he didn’t believe in Jesus and we were just in very different phases of our lives too, so I knew in my heart that it was not going to last.

Then when I went to India, I met another guy I liked. I said again, I just want to make new friends and we liked each other. Again, I knew I had to go, it was an experience for God to open my heart because I had stopped dating shortly after I broke up with my ex in 2014. In fact, there was a season I didn’t talk to any potential partners, I told God I was going to focus on Him (all my previous attempts to date revealed to me that until I knew my worth, I’d never meet the one who could love me the way God sees me).

I told God “heal me so I can understand what I’m worth and who I am”.

I didn’t want to go searching for love in the wrong places when I was still broken inside. I knew I’d just keep meeting guys who were also broken and searching for love in the wrong places (me, and not God). 

About a year ago, before I started doing ministry God gave me a dream where He was showing me different pictures of men and swiping (like on Tinder)- then I heard Him say “get ready”. I also had dreams where I was wearing a wedding dress on an airplane and God was preparing me for marriage.

But I kind of thought, God wouldn’t it be so much easier if you just bring that ONE MAN, so I don’t have to get hurt?

God – there is risk in love, no love is without pain. Otherwise it wouldn’t be love. I wanted you to open your heart up to love, love is messy and risky. Love is not a final destination but a journey. Just because you meet that one person doesn’t mean you’ll not have pain in your life. 

No matter what life brings you will need to have an open heart so you can experience both the pain and joys of life. A closed heart does not experience love or pain, it is numb. A closed heart sits at home and never battles disappointment, sadness, anger nor pain…

A hero, a warrior encounters every emotion. She/he doesn’t shy away from the battle called love and life.

You will get angry, you will get sad, you will be disappointed in life.

You will experience all kinds of hardship but all kinds of joys too.

If you are willing to trust God with your heart, He will tend to and care for your heart. He is in charge of taking care of your heart. He never abandons His children. 

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God- Hello Heart,

Heart- Hi.

God- Don’t be afraid of love. I know you’ve encountered heart break.

Heart- I’m tired of being disappointed.

God- Will you let me hold you?

Heart- okay.

God – Don’t be afraid, I’m right here. I won’t hurt you. I’m here always taking care of you. You can cry, let it out.

Heart- I’ve been abused and misunderstood, spat at. People misunderstand me and hurt me.

Jesus- I understand. I’ve been there. I came to save the ones that hurt me. It hurt my heart too. There are people that will hurt and judge you when you’re trying to set them free. They will misunderstand and reject you and in that moment you must remember, you are just like me. In fact I am there with you, hearing the words you are hearing. 

But then you must come to me and let me speak to your heart. Because I will tell you that you are loved and accepted by me, that there is nothing you can do that will make me love you less. 

My love is perfect. I don’t condemn or guilt trip you, I will never turn away from you. I always draw close to you, I will never run away from you. My love is perfect and complete. I will never scorn you for being imperfect. When I see you I only see Jesus, perfection and completion.

My experiences in friendships have often come with “trying to be perfect” for that person. I’d try really hard to always be there for them. I’d initiate and take time to be there for them, but was often taken for granted. I’d withstand being taken for granted and then suddenly have a moment of “THAT’S IT, I’M TIRED OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF” and suddenly disappear (ghost). I’d unfriend them or block them. That was my habit.

I felt that it was hard to meet people who actually cared for me. I felt that they were often dumping on me emotionally or only coming to me for emotional and spiritual help. Or they would want to “pick my brain”.

I kind of felt like a monkey, you know when a scientist would pick a monkey’s brain?

Later on, I learned to set boundaries and slowly learned to voice my needs and concerns in relationships. First, God would challenge me to ask people for donations. This sparked support and outrage. I had friends that were extremely offended and told me that they were offended. I felt extremely hurt. I said that when they needed help, they often came to me, but when I needed help, it seemed that I didn’t deserve it. 

It outraged me. 

Do you have friends like that? Where it’s constantly one-sided?

Fortunately, God has been mending those relationships lately. He has been showing me that I didn’t do anything wrong, I was simply listening to His instructions. 

I love Jesus because He often tells me to do things outside of my comfort zone but causes me to have healthy relationships in my life.

He longs for us to have relationships that are balanced, not just one-sided. I often felt drained and exhausted by relationships because I was giving so much of myself but was receiving very little of what I needed. It would show up in different areas of my life.

If I was giving too much of myself, I’d experience sickness in my body or shortage of finances. I’d be hosting networking events and be putting my drink on a credit card because I had no more cash. 

The wisdom and knowledge I give to people is worth so much more than money. Freedom cannot be bought by money. Freedom is experienced, often through the hardships we go through.

I am so grateful that God gave me the courage to ask people to sow, whether it’s emotionally, spiritually or financially.

It’s been a long journey. I think if I didn’t know God, I’d never understand my worth. Because there is no fear in love, perfect love casts out fear. 

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A word on my spirit. Someone out there is choosing the easier and more comfortable route but God is asking you to step out in faith. It’s not an easy word to deliver because no one likes to be uncomfortable but God’s intention is to grow you.

Feel free to message me on Facebook if you have questions or want to tell me your story.

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Healing The Brokenness In Our Hearts

Ugly crying.

Heartache and heartbreak. We try to avoid it but it comes after us. It makes for the best writing and the best songs, the best art, it’s what makes us human. Without it we wouldn’t know vulnerability, we wouldn’t love well.

We don’t love people well when we have closed hearts. Open hearts feel with others. Open hearts allow the risk of being hurt to be present. Closed hearts says “I don’t want to listen to your story because I don’t want to feel what you feel”.

It’s easy to be logical and tell someone to leave their abusive or unloving husband or boyfriend, but to go through it yourself, or to follow your gut and not your heart which often times is tied to brokenness in your soul, that’s another story.

As I’m talking to my friend about heartache I remember this one time years ago where my ex roommate tucked me into my bed. He was my first guy roommate.

I thought it was fine because I had a boyfriend. I was safe because I was taken, I wouldn’t have some type of love affair with a guy I lived with in the same house.

Because I was so broken and didn’t know what love was supposed to be like, I was attracted to men who were emotionally absent. And even physically absent, like my father.

My ex would disappear for days, sometimes not answering my texts or calls. I’ve never been obsessive, I’d send one text and wait patiently for a reply. I’d give up. I’d think “he must be busy”. But my mind would run wild. Where is he? What is he doing? I made excuses for his behavior. I thought it was normal because the fact that anyone was around was enough for me.

3 days would pass.

And the one who was present? My guy roommate. He had his own room FYI. I cried and told him my boyfriend had been ghosting me. I didn’t understand why there was a wall I couldn’t break down. Even when he was present, I couldn’t read his thoughts and he didn’t share his emotions with me. He was just a very practical guy. He could fix cars and lights. He could pay for dinner.

He understood instructions, and completed tasks, but when it came to his heart, he was completely illiterate.

My roommate played with bunnies on the grass. I thought he was a bit feminine. He wrote poetry and we would read our writing to each other.

I realized that I often went for guys who were emotionally unavailable because it was safer. I know it’s sound strange. Because emotional openness means telling your truth, and risking having to feel what you don’t want to feel.

It’s easier to shut your heart down completely than to speak your truth and feel those emotions.

My ex would tell me he needed space. “Why can’t you just tell me you need space?” I would say.

My roommate tucked me into my bed as I cried over my boyfriend at the time. Why am I with a ghost when there is flesh and blood here? He told me to breathe as he said breathing brings you back to yourself.

I didn’t understand it. I’d be attracted to a non-present man, while next to me was someone available, someone emotionally open, someone loving.

And my broken soul had to go for the broken man.

Someone I couldn’t attain, someone whose heart was locked with a dead bolt, tripled locked. No amount of prying, questioning, asking, praying seemed to do the job.

The only thing that pried my ex open was me mentioning breaking up.

It was the first time I saw him cry in the 2.5 years we were together. He begged and cried. What can I do to change, he asked. I said I needed to be with someone who believes in Jesus and I want to marry one day.

He said he would go to church with me. Let’s get married now!!

I said, no.

Because those weren’t the factors that prevented us from moving forward- I knew for ages that he wasn’t it, he wasn’t exactly what I wanted as a life partner.

So my heart didn’t want to break up, but my spirit knew – he’s not it. He’s not your life partner.

It’s easy to avoid talking about your emotions, it’s easy to shut down your heart.

What’s difficult is saying how you feel. And finding closure and agreement.

If you’re going through heartache I pray God would give you comfort in this hour. I pray you would know that God is with you.

He loves you dearly.

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Single-Minded

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This is for all my single ladies and gents out there who are waiting for their true love.

I kept hearing this phrase “single-minded”. It has two meanings obviously, single on your mind and single minded “having or concentrating on only one aim or purpose” (google). 

I’ve been meeting a lot of ladies who have singleness on their mind. They are looking for their true love, their husband.

I have been single for 4 years, minus the dating spree I went on after breaking up with my ex. I knew he was not going to be my husband. We didn’t have any similar vision or calling in life.

For some reason, I actually feel quite peaceful about it. 

I think it’s because I have become single-minded – living with and for Jesus. 

This was not always the case. If anyone should be boy-crazed, drama filled or dysfunctional it should be me. If anyone should have a boat load of daddy issues, it should be me since I did not see my dad for 10 years; and still, I see him every few years. He lives in another country.

Yes, my former years in middle school and high school were filled with tears, heart ache, journals filled with love stories with imaginary boyfriends and celebrities. If anyone should still have love drama in my life, it should be me…I mean I was the one girl who stood across the street from a crush’s house and creepily watched him walk in his house everyday.

So why at this point of being single for 4 years am I so content and peaceful?

It took awhile for me to heal from my past relationships. My heart desired acceptance. My life was laden with rejection and abandonment issues that I felt unsafe and insecure. I felt like I was lacking and that I wasn’t enough.

I tried to find security in imaginary boyfriends or eventually real boyfriends.

Sometimes my security was anchored in a career, in my drive and type A personality.

Sometimes my security was anchored in how much I could do for others. This often led to burn out and sickness.

Sometimes my security was anchored in how productive I was or how accomplished I was.

I was also a mommy pleaser. I did things for my mom and others for acceptance and validation.

It took some time for God to break off those things from me. Slowly I found my voice, I found the voice to say “no”. I valued myself more. 

One day I woke up and unfriended and unfollowed every guy I ever dated or had feelings for.

I became “single-minded”. 

I didn’t want to play around with my destiny anymore. I wanted to be single-minded, to focus on the only one who already gave me true love and true validation. This one was named Jesus. He took me in His arms and whispered truths to me. He told me how much He loved me and how proud of me He was.

Yes, did I spend many holidays, new years, Christmas eve, Christmas alone?

Yes, but I wasn’t alone. God was with me and it was peaceful…no drama.

Did I find the silence sometimes confusing, unbearable? Yes.

Did I find myself going on walks feeling like I was always going to be in the stage I was in life? Yes.

Did I sometimes have negative thoughts that plagued me, speaking lies and telling me that I was “not enough”? Yes.

But Jesus was with me through it all. He helped me overcome all things and continues to do so. He is with me in the pain, the tears and the laughter. He is with me in all things. 

I was in a wilderness for the past 4 years, rebuilding my heart and following the still small voice. I was misunderstood, rejected and left for dead. But through it all, I became powerful in my spirit. Nothing could faze me. I was scorned by my own family members, accused when I was actually just following God.

The path that Jesus walks on is not always easy. It requires sacrifice.

But everything HE calls you to is worth it because you are always upgraded in your spirit, overcoming fear, anger, bitterness, grief. 

Suddenly you find yourself in the storm, sleeping peacefully while everyone is screaming for their lives.

That is the true single mindedness I’m talking about.

When you come to a place where you realize you are enough, you are not lacking, you are not single, you are whole in Christ Jesus. You are not a fragmented piece looking for your other half, you are a whole piece who will meet another whole piece.

Dream Again!

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I woke up from a dream this morning with a sense of wonder.

In this dream, my mom was chasing after a little boy and the little boy and his brother grew up. I then played with the older brother. He had little shower curtains and cute little towel (like for dolls). People around me said I was in love with him but I said I was just playing.

Then I went into a glass room where I was playing cello with two other musicians. I started playing intricately. There was no teacher, just mentors. The mentors said I was actually in tune even though the other two musicians was criticizing me.

When I woke up, I heard “Dream Again”.

The Lord said “dream and play like a child. The reason many have lost their ability to dream is because they attached their dreams to their identity, needing to prove themselves, needing to make a living….they stopped dreaming and playing with me.

They started worrying about how they will make money instead of trusting me to provide for them. In their search for worldly meaning and purpose, they stopped creating with me just for the joy of it.

They traded joy for WORLDLY SECURITY. 

They traded identity as a child of God for WORLDLY IMAGE. 

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What do you think it would LOOK like for children of God to TRUST GOD completely and WALK out their life with pure joy and childlike play? 

It would revolutionize the world. 

It would be fearless. It would be wild. It would be amazing. It would be FREEING. It would be joyful. It would be bliss.

We would share and give generously.

We would also receive abundantly.

God wants you to be so SECURE IN YOUR IDENTITY that you have no fear OF what others think about you- this is including those around you (like friends, family and coworkers…maybe even pastors or mentors).

What is it that you have been too scared to do?

God wants to dream and create with you. 

He will provide everything you need.

A DREAM is not something you chase, but it is purely creating with the creator of the world and finding joy in the process of creating with God. A dream is a relational process that draws you close to the Maker. 

A DREAM is also not about being first at anything, winning awards or getting applause from people. A dream is more about coming alive in your identity as sons and daughters of God.

Many of you may be wondering why God doesn’t just give things to you…He is actually removing the things that hinder you from dreaming and living freely (for example: the fear of men – what people think of you, the fear of lack, etc). Until these fears are removed, you cannot live freely the way God intended you to live.

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It’s Meant To Be Impossible For You, it’s ONLY POSSIBLE WITH GOD.

Hey everyone,

This season has been super heavy with expectation and birthing.

I woke up from a dream where I moved to a new house, but it was in New York, it was cold….I took a picture and when I did I noticed a man dressed like Santa Clause who was sitting camouflaged to the environment. He was just chilling. In the dream, I walked into the new house that had nothing in it and I wondered how my mom bought it with no money.

When I woke up, I felt the Lord speaking to me:

“It’s MEANT TO BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU but POSSIBLE FOR GOD”.

THERE ARE MAJOR DECISIONS, PROMISES BEING MANIFESTED IN THIS HOUR that HAS GOTTEN YOU FEELING WEARY AND TIRED….but it’s BECAUSE many of us are trying to make it happen with our own human strivings, flesh, strategies. 

“So he said to me, ‘This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.” Zechariah 4:6 

“I NEED YOU TO COME TO THE END OF YOURSELF SO THAT YOU WOULD RELY ON ME ALONE FOR THE finances, the resources, the people, the way, the strategy. STOP LOOKING AT WHAT YOU DON’T HAVE (the talent, the skill, the opportunities, the money, the friends)- LOOK AT WHO I AM, someone who gives freely and can DO ALL THINGS FOR YOU”. 

I will be glorified through your testimony of HOW I’ll part the seas for you. 

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New Doors Won’t Open Until You Close The Old Doors

I hear God say “I won’t open the new doors if you are unwilling to close the old doors”. 
The new you and old you can’t exist in the same realm.
Some of you will need to quit the old job before you launch your new business.
Some of you need to delete old flings before your husband shows up!

I woke up from a dream where I had moved into a new house but I had let an old fling into my house. God was saying “you still have open doors to the people you need to close doors to!” It was so clear to me…if you don’t let go of the old things you will live a double minded person and never walk into the full promise of what God has for you!!!

Some of you need to shut the window and door completely to the guys or girls you used to like!!!! You say you want a husband or wife but you’re still thinking about the guy or girl you used to like!!! You are still remembering dates and moments with old flings.

You need to delete them completely. No marriage or new relationship will thrive if your heart is on the past. Same goes for career, life, housing, etc…….you must be focused!!!!

You are asking me what I did to close those doors? I deleted and unfriended guys I used to have feelings for. That’s right- HONEST AIN’T I? I deleted old photo albums and EX’s photos!!! You say, but those were the good times, the old times, the memories….NO, can you imagine if you got married to your husband and you found out he still talked to HIS EX? You would feel the same way right? 

God WANTS your full surrender so HE can GIVE YOU THE BEST.