The People Pleaser & The Master Manipulator, Finding Wholeness in a World That Lacks Love

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Today we will talk about two types of people:

  1. The people pleaser- always playing in line with what others want, in fear of judgement, rejection, feelings of shame, and feelings of unworthiness.
  2. Master manipulator- angry at what life didn’t give them, manipulating others to get what they want

Both operate from a spirit of lack.

This post may hit at the target at everything you’ve ever felt in your whole life.

I have been both but for much of my life I was a people pleaser. My mother often “made me” feel guilty or ashamed to be alive. My dad was supposedly cheating on my mother when she was pregnant with me so I often felt like I was paying penance with my life, subjugated to simply do what she wanted me to so that she wouldn’t feel so bad about herself.

I wonder how many of us feel this way? That we aren’t worthy to even be alive.

It wasn’t my fault.

The same spirit that accused and blamed me my whole life, even using my mom’s anger towards herself and her life circumstances accused me this week.

An airbnb owner (who happens to be pregnant) accused me of asking for too much when I asked for a quiet house on several occasions. Apparently the housemate was offended. Here I was thinking that we were all becoming friends when in actuality, they were talking behind my back.

She came home, exploding. She said I was selfish for expecting everyone to cater towards my need. I said “you opened an airbnb business, it was your choice, and I’m simply being honest”.

I knew that this was all the devil trying to accuse me.

I felt guilty when the owner stopped talking to me. When I said hi the other day she didn’t even look at me.

I felt my shoulders tighten.

Then it hit me. My mom does that when she is mad at me. She doesn’t acknowledge my existence as a way to punish me. I wonder if that’s connected with her blaming me for her pain, her pain of feeling abandoned by my dad, her pain of feeling neglected, unloved.

It’s not my fault though.

Finally, it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. And it’s not your fault, however your parents punish you for their own feelings of unworthiness. 

I kept hearing God say “it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, you were simply being honest and speaking up for your needs”. 

The owner’s accusation was a way to make me feel guilty for speaking up and wanting what I wanted.

Perhaps that is why most people stop asking for what they want or need- because they have a fear that people will reject, shame, judge or condemn them for their desires or opinions.

I felt a sense of responsibility to right the wrong- but I didn’t do anything wrong, I was only speaking my mind and truth.

Shame and guilt shuts people up.

Shame causes people to be silent. 

I realized that this wasn’t about me, it was about the owner. She was too stressed, working full time, managing an airbnb (her own house), pregnant.

Was it that I was being selfish or that she just wasn’t loving herself enough?

People who call others selfish usually don’t love themselves enough and aren’t “selfish” enough. They live out of a spirit of lack and often expect others to compensate for the lack of love they feel. 

In actuality, no one is responsible to love you. It’s your responsibility to love yourself first, to allow God to love you and then to speak up for what it is you need and want. Sure, in a relationship, in family, people do love you, but they do it out of what they are capable of doing. Most people don’t have ENOUGH love to give because they don’t realize they are enough in Christ Jesus.

People can only love you to the capacity they love themselves. If they “love” you above what they can give themselves, they are “sacrificing” themselves at the cost of loving you. And there is then a deficit. a shortage. When there is a shortage, people often feel bitter about the love they give you.

In truth, all of what I described is not love at all, it’s actually based out of fear. 

People sacrifice themselves at the cost of loving themselves because they fear that you will essentially LEAVE or reject them if they don’t sacrifice themselves.

But there is no fear in love because perfect love casts out fear.

So what would it look like to live in love? 

  1. Speaking up for how I actually feel, need and want without fear of judgement or rejection.
  2. There is no need for “sacrifice”, just love.
  3. Sure there may be compromises, but not compromises that are based out of fear.

The owner told me that it is in Malaysian culture to sacrifice to the point that they can’t take it anymore. But when I talked to two male Malaysians, they said “no, I don’t believe that” so I wonder if it’s mostly just with women….this theme of sacrifice.

I don’t need to sacrifice because Jesus became the ultimate sacrifice on the cross.

Sure, I have left everything to follow Jesus to share the love of Christ with people, but in truth, it’s not a sacrifice because I am following my heart and what truly gives me fulfillment. 

My heart is full when I love people, and when I allow others that I meet to love me. But I ultimately go to God.

God does not call us to sacrifice, he says come to me with a broken and contrite heart, this I will not despise. He doesn’t call us to be strong, He calls us to lay ourselves at His feet at all times. 

I found myself fighting this battle of shame and guilt through words and prayer.

“I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus”. 

We battle with not enough, we battle with feelings of shame, guilt, condemnation- but in Christ, we are enough and we are righteous.

When you know you are enough in Christ Jesus, you’ll love with an open heart, one that is pure and without manipulation, guilt, witchcraft, control or a need to sacrifice.

When we sacrifice, we live out of a belief that there is lack, that somewhere God won’t fill the void if we don’t personally fill it. 

But in Christ, there is no lack. There is only an abundance of love. So if we are not able, say so. Christ is more than enough. God does not need us to be strong. God wants us to be weak and for Him to be strong for us.

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Thank you! 

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The Grass Is Always Green On God’s Side- You Are Enough.

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The enemy of our soul often makes us feel like we are lacking, like life will be better “WHEN___________ (this happens)”. Whatever this is.

When I buy a new car, I’ll be happier.

When I buy that dress, I’ll be happier.

When my husband comes, I’ll be happier.

When money comes, I’ll be happier.

When I retire, I’ll be happier.

When I get to this or that country, when I travel, I’ll be happier.

All of those mindsets are actually based on the spirit of lack, not abundance. 

You already have what you need to do what you need to do, or even want to do.

When you realize your identity in Christ Jesus, you live from a spirit of “enough”. I am enough because of what Jesus did on the cross for me, I am not lacking.

Your bills might be late, you might have debt in the human realm, your husband or wife might be mad at you, your children might be out there somewhere and you have no control over them (rightly so), you might have acne on your face, you might have a layer of fat on your stomach, you might have high cholesterol, but in Christ you are whole.

So how do we live in that wholeness?

Because we live in a world that is imperfect and there always seems to be some kind of problem – such as my phone that is dead and resurrected a few times, a black hole in the center of the screen, cracked screen. Life can be frustrating.

And I found myself feeling uneven. God I’m doing all this for you, I layed down my life for you, and this is what I get?

I get a half working phone, fear of lack, and mean spirited people? I get noises all night preventing me from sleeping throughout the night?

I found myself wanting to cry and even wanting to die at times.

That’s the truth, it was so fierce.

Then I realize it was spiritual warfare.

This is the enemy lying to me-  “you are not enough, you don’t have what it takes, God is not enough for you, you need to stop doing God’s work and go home, just live a normal life will you? Look, God is not providing for you. Look, others get to have some luxurious life but you are living in an 8 bed dorm with people snoring, phones going off in the middle of the night, people who don’t respect you….it’s endless isn’t it? Is this even worth it? Doing God’s work, touching lives?”

I was bombarded with lies, with attacks, thoughts that drove me to the wall. 

These distractions, even the noises, the tv playing in the middle of the night made me crazy. I found myself waking up in the middle of the night and going outside saying to the people talking “will you quiet down because I can hear you inside” to taking off the freaken wind chime off the wall and telling someone to lower the volume on the TV.

Those noises were symbolic of the noises (lies) of the enemy.

This morning a light bulb went off.

YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are not lacking. I started counting every blessing and thanking God for everything. God thank you for the hair on my head, thank you for functioning legs and feet, thank you for the breathe in my lungs, thank you for my hands that can type this blog post. Thank you God that I’ve been able to survive and I’ve been to more countries than most people.

Thank you God that I didn’t get robbed. Thank you God you kept me safe in all these countries. Thank you God that no one attacked me physically. Thank you Lord.

Then I realize that the enemy OFTEN WANTS US TO FOCUS ON WHAT WE DON’T HAVE right now. He wants us to focus on lack so that we would not live in our true identity as sons and daughters of God. 

But even if you have nothing on your back and no wallet or bank account, you are rich in Christ Jesus. Jesus paid to have you as His son or daughter and you are royalty. This identity is not dependent on the clothes you wear, the house you live in, if you have a car or not. It’s not dependent on your new or no phone. Your identity is not dependent on what others think of you….

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YOU ARE A CHILD of God and this identity is unshakable, immovable. 

I might not be able to take photos most of the time with my half working phone, there might be a black dot on the screen and the right side looks like the terminator.

I might be living in an 8 bed dorm with tv blasting at all times during the day. I might have a little carry on and not enough “pretty” clothes. I might be wearing a $5 shirt from Japan, and socks for $1. I might have a non-flat stomach and sometimes I notice some fat on my chin.

I might be annoyed and uncomfortable, but I am enough in Christ Jesus.

I might not always know how I will continue, I might not know where the money is coming from, but I am enough in Christ Jesus and He is enough for me.

God is my Good Father and He knows your needs. Wait patiently, and battle patiently when those thoughts come. I pray the Lord give you wisdom and may God remove any lies about your worth in Jesus name.

I am enough now, not in the future. I am enough now. 

To Read About My Story 

To Sow A Seed to This Ministry and what I am doing around the world, bringing Jesus’ love to people.

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Rebekka (missionary, prophet, pastor – qualified only by the blood of Jesus).

Every Upgrade Requires A Cost

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I know this WORD is from God because I could NOT have thought of it myself.

Every upgrade in your life REQUIRES A COST. Take Iphones for example, every upgrade requires a higher cost. The Iphone X is $999  and “that’s just the entry-level iPhone X at 64GB. The 256GB model that everyone wants is $150 on top of that price” (techradar.com). The Iphone 8 plus is how much? $699 to $949.

Maybe 10 years ago we would have thought that’s an absurd price for a single phone. But we buy it now because we believe it is WORTH it’s value. It has functions that sync a phone with a waterproof camera, a planner, internet, mp3, etc….unlike in the past when everything was separate….

Every new IPHONE has to have ADDED or better features or else we wouldn’t be spending more to buy it if there was no DIFFERENCE from the previous one.

Some people have the newest Iphone but have failed to learned all the new functions that go with the phone so they’re still using it like it’s a flip phone…..but God does not allow that to happen….unless you want to, because it usually results in destruction.

For example – Having too much power in media or politics before you have the character or wisdom to be in that place. What usually takes place is a downfall or an attack from the public to build your character.

SO HERE is the lesson. Every upgrade requires a COST. 

When you are upgrading to another LEVEL in your life, everything NEEDS TO SYNC with it. 

You need to walk THROUGH fear into faith and that’s HARD. I know because every time I go through a transition, I SEE nothing, or very little evidence of upgrade….but I have to WALK through the feelings of being petrified into “GOD I believe, help my unbelief”.

Faith without doubt is not faith at all because faith requires us to walk even when we don’t see.

This comes with lots of “omg I’m so scared and I can’t do this, I feel like I’m not good enough” and nights (recently) where I’m facing my insecurities, I’m feeling fear on me, I’m feeling body aches…

But then God reminds me to USE my authority to CAST out the fear. Back then I may have just allowed the fear to stay in my body, but now I’ve learned to cast it out. I’m going to the next level in my faith. It’s hard, every time.

My Iphone 6 was stolen when I was in the Philippines. I was at the mall when someone pushed against me in line and my phone was gone.

The devil thought he could STEAL my phone, but he could NOT STEAL my identity. After that I used a tablet for a year or so when someone gave me his old phone. 

Because I no longer needed the latest phone to prove my NEWEST and latest identity.

My identity is waterproof, bullet proof, and it has all features. I’m spirit filled and death proof. If someone shot me today I’m going to heaven and seeing Jesus. If someone accuses me, I know God will protect me and I know I am enough in Christ. 

That doesn’t mean I don’t battle the FEELINGS of insecurity, but it’s just a feeling, it’s not the truth. 

When you upgrade into the NEXT you, what COST is required- 

  1. A decision to BELIEVE in the impossible, a DECISION to BELIEVE what is true about you and God. You will have to cast aside FALSE beliefs about who you are and what you can do.
  2. The old you and old mindsets. Like an iphone, you must sell or put aside the old iphone and USE the new iphone.
  3. Faith in the face of fear.
  4. Relationships that are not healthy or beneficial for this new season. Yes, you can stay friends with people but there are seasons that require you to zone in and focus on the development that is happening within. You may start to meet NEW people, you might have one divine encounters after another. God might set you ASIDE in solitude while He works on your heart (like a surgeon does with his patients).
  5. A decision to CHOOSE abundance versus lack….what decisions are you making out of lack? You must be conscious to choose abundance because your tent is about to explode with spiritual gifts of peace, hope, joy and love as well material gifts. You must SEE farther than your current budget or your current income. God is your provider, He can do all things according to His riches in glory.

The struggle in the metamorphosis process ((in an insect or amphibian) the process of transformation from an immature form to an adult form in two or more distinct stages. A change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means – dictionary.com)….is difficult.

It’s not an overnight thing.

That’s why it’s disheartening when someone wants something right away…

Did you not know it requires everything to sync? 

  1. your beliefs
  2. your habits
  3. your character and integrity
  4. who you surround yourself with
  5. your humility

It’s a process that takes time as you FORM into the next you.

What does the “next you” consist of?

  1. Authority and confidence in your true identity
  2. Promotion in the spiritual and physical realm
  3. New levels of influence and friendships
  4. More Abundance in every area of your life- including peace, joy, love and spiritual gifts
  5. New annointing

So you’re not ALONE in this….because we are all going through this transformation, and it’s never ending, but I pray God will give you the rest and grace to enjoy the journey. 

Knocking Down the Wall of Self-Protection, The Key To An Open Heart & A Full Life

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“How are you?”

“Are you okay? Okay, as long as you are okay”

Well I don’t want to be okay. I want to feel, to experience all levels of emotions.

This morning I woke up from a dream where I could feel my whole being weeping. In the dream, I was experiencing every emotion I’ve somehow neglected to feel, that I’ve managed to numb. Because it’s too much sometimes.

But I woke up, I could feel my whole body shaking as I made weeping sounds and my eyes turned puffy in no time. All the pain started lifting off my body as I experienced the pain in my heart. Though it wasn’t necessarily voluntary and sometimes God needs to show me my true emotions in dreams, I was grateful.

You know what it felt like?

Like when a kid is VORACIOUSLY hungry or tired and he/she cries like the world is ending. I bet you’ve seen it.

I wish we could feel that much all the time. But somehow most of us can’t, we cover up our true emotions by staying distracted. 

We binge eat, drink, smoke, get addicted to a substance, stay numb by netflixing, gaining weight, or losing weight, focusing on what we don’t have and trying to get it, work….complain, blame, escape (hey, how about travel, I know I personally have tried to avoid my emotions by escaping LA), shop or take pills because it’s too much to feel.

But you know when you have A REALLY SOUL WRENCHING cry and then suddenly your body feels lighter? Like a whole slew of burdens have lifted off your shoulders? That’s how it felt. And you know when you give that kid a good meal and they’ve slept….and suddenly they can smile again? Yah that’s how this feels.

Today someone asked me if I was okay. I said “no one’s truly just okay, everyone is going on a journey and some are just not aware of how they are feeling”.

I’m not saying everyone is depressed or going through intense emotions, I’m saying somehow in our society it’s not okay to show vulnerability, to be struggling internally, to have deep emotions. 

It’s okay. To not be okay. I like this journey. I am feeling more emotions, I am feeling the pain and the joy. I am choosing to be alert, to be conscious, to feel deeply. 

I met two men last year that I thought were respectable, honorable, honest men. I thought they would be good candidates for a potential life partner. But when I got to know them a little more, or actually even as I was talking to them I noticed there was a wall. The wall of vulnerability.

The wall that says “I’ve been hurt, don’t get near me”. 

I know I’m still breaking down that wall myself and truth be told, those two men reflected my state of being. You meet people who you reflect. Everyone in your life is a mirror to your own state of being. It doesn’t mean that you are exactly like them, but there is a part of you that is reflected in them. 

That’s why they say “wounds attract wounds”, “you are attracted to like minded people”….so they key to being with the right life partner isn’t so much about fixing the other person, but working within your soul to heal the wounds that attract wounded people.

It doesn’t mean you are insufficient, every part of the journey is worthwhile, but if you are going to spend the rest your life with someone…you want someone on the same level of “healed” and “healing”.

If you want someone to treat you a certain way, learning to treat yourself well is everything.

If you want someone to love you a certain way, learning to love yourself well is everything.

We can’t expect other people to take responsibility for our healing, we must actively seek it out. First, we must open our hearts, that is a personal decision. Second, we forgive, and that’s also a personal decision. 

I know there were times I couldn’t listen to other peoples’ problems because it triggered emotions of my own that I was incapable of experiencing.

The only reason I’m sharing this is because I’m walking it. Healing is not easy, but worth it. I hope you will continue walking with me through this journey- Subscribe on the right side of the blog via email (right side of blog on desktop computers and if you are reading via phone subscribe on the bottom of the blog)! 

Also if you are interested in the forgiveness class that I talked about in my last post, please visit https://hope4hollywood.com/register/