One of the worse things I experienced in life was having a trusted person betray me. It wasn’t that she did anything wrong, she said something really wrong. She dishonored my emotions (and me) during a time when I was going through a really hard time which was caused by one of her family members.
I had a dream where God showed me why I was feeling so shut down.
She belittled the hurt.
And I think that’s why it’s so important we allow children to cry and express anger, hurt. EMOTIONS ARE IMPORTANT. They tell us that our boundaries have been crossed.
I didn’t think it – but subconsciously, I felt helpless. I felt that even my best friend was against me since she of course sided with her family. The people around me felt like I was being melodramatic and I didn’t know how to describe the hurt and the betrayal.
I felt alone and helpless. I felt angry and betrayed.
After that, I subconsciously shut down my emotions because people didn’t understand them anyways, because it didn’t get anything done, because the person closest to me brushed it aside.
It’s okay, I don’t need to be understood.
During that time I found my true friend, someone who really honored my emotions and could also tell me the truth.
But my heart felt cold and frosty for a long time.
That’s why when my heart suddenly started to melt, it was painful. I can feel the pain now, I can feel now.
“I was dishonored, disgraced, humiliated for your sake”- says the Lord. “I know how that feels, betrayal”.
When I started to shut down my emotions, I started to sometimes under eat or over eat. I didn’t know when I was full or sometimes hungry. I was so detached from my emotions that I couldn’t even understand what my body was telling me.
I learned that I escaped painful emotions by eating sweets.
I learned that I used logic and my mind to figure out what wasn’t working instead of going through experiencing the emotions.
Yesterday this mentally unstable lady on the street demanded I give her my water and I did, at first out of good will, but then got angry at her for taking my water because I was really thirsty.
I forgave her in my heart but decided not to randomly give my water away. She could have gone to in and out to get water. I turned around and saw she had dumped the water on a bench. Next time I will speak loudly for myself. No.
I’ve been watching “The Return of Superman”, a Korean show about dads raising their kids and what I started noticing is that kids are raised to share because it’s a “kind thing to do”.
But kids are rarely taught boundaries.
I was not taught boundaries. I felt like things were easily taken from me, things I loved. In this way, I did not know how to protect and keep things I loved. I allowed people to step over me and didn’t know how to speak up for myself because this was illustrated to me in my family.
I was even taught this in church. Sacrifice.
But no one taught me that because Jesus already became the sacrifice that I didn’t need to be the sacrifice in my life. I didn’t need to be crucified everyday.
I don’t think martyrdom is what Jesus wanted.
I think He wanted us to know what He died for us to have, to be, to live.
I think we are in an age where we need to know who we are and push back the darkness that surrounds us. We can’t just take it. That’s not okay.
We need to stand up and speak up. We need to rise and protect our boundaries.
People tell me that I’m so bold and self-loving.
But that wasn’t always the case. I was the quiet, obedient Asian girl that people expected me to be. Now when I shout, the whole building can hear me.
It’s because I know who I am and what I deserve now.
A queen seated on high.