Healing The Father Wound

I tried submitting this to a secular website but apparently writing anything about God is considered offensive, so I’m glad I have my own blog.

I’m learning more about what I want from a relationship with my life partner. I learned that a lot of my past relationships were formed out of brokenness in my heart. I was looking for attention, for validation. I needed and wanted someone to validate me- to tell me I am worthy of love.

But I realize a relationship that is based out of your relationship with Jesus, has no lack.

I don’t mean that is it perfect, no; I mean that there’s no need for codependency – which is what a lot of my past relationships looked like.

The guy had mommy issues and I had daddy issues. I was looking for a dad and he was looking for a mom.

A mom gives rides to boys, a mom cooks for their son, a mom comforts their son; I am not looking for a son, I’m looking for a man.

I also didn’t have the financial security of growing up with a father. In fact, I started working when I was 8 years old selling toys after school. I had an entrepreneurial spirit and knew how to make and save money. I soon only found self worth in finance and accomplishments. I also got a lot of attention from men so it was easy to be misled thinking attention was love.

From the age of 8 to 18 I didn’t see my dad. My family immigrated to America from Taiwan when I was 8. I completely lost contact with my dad except for the few times my mother asked me to email my dad for rent money.

When I was 12 years I received Jesus into my heart and found an incredible sacrificial love. This God who loved me could die for me? I wept in my chair at a church retreat. I could feel the tangible love of God in my heart.

But now only at the age of 31 am I feeling the fulfillment of all the healing that took place in my life.

I was really fucked up. Honestly.

I didn’t deserve to be there, that’s how I felt.

God started to show me who I am.

He told me that I am a child of God and that He died on the cross for me so I could attain a position as His daughter. He would never leave nor forsake me. I could handle that. That’s a promise I was willing to receive.

Since everyone had failed and forsaken me, I was willing to trust Him.

Almost 20 years later, I have never seen God fail me. Sure I lost a lot of friends and seen my lifetime of heart aches and heart breaks but He would always whisper, “I’m here, I’m here with you”.

Recently I had to set some boundaries with a guy I knew wasn’t quite it. I loved the companionship and the moments we had together, but I also knew that I wanted more. I don’t want someone I met for a week who doesn’t have the same calling and purpose in life. I want someone who hears God and obeys with me.

I want someone who can grow with me, follow the Spirit with me, not slow me down. I hate goodbyes but I often find myself saying hello and goodbye over and over again.

I’m ready to meet my lifetime partner. I know He won’t be Jesus. I know that we will fight and argue at times. I know he won’t fulfill all my hearts’ desires, but I know he isn’t supposed to.

But I know what I want now. I know what I deserve. I know I deserve the best, not an emotional or physically absent man. I know I deserve a man who will rock with me, go places with me, be by my side. I don’t want a man who I met overseas and does not have the same purpose in life. I don’t want an addition, I want a partner. I don’t want us to have contrasting careers, I want us to change and travel the world together. I want us to compliment in our purpose and destiny.

I want an emotionally, spiritually and physically present man.

It’s possible. Do you believe?

I believe. I hope you will walk this journey with me. Let’s believe together. Let’s not settle for less. Let’s believe for the best because we deserve it.

Consider sowing a seed into souls and into what God is doing through me to set captives free, proclaim the year of freedom and heal the sick. Thanks for your contribution and continual support and prayers to touch lives by the blood of Jesus!

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I’m currently in Thailand. God is calling me day by day so I have no idea where I’ll be but thank you to all who continue to give and pray for me. Your prayers and giving are much appreciated!

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No One Can Be Your Everything

Islandof Zen (1)

It sounds unromantic, but it’s realistic. 

Your girlfriend or boyfriend can’t be your everything. Your wife and husband can’t be your everything. Your friends or family can’t be your everything.

Because everything is perfect and no one is perfect. Imperfect people will soon disappoint you if you placed your hopes and dreams on just one person. 

Yesterday I went to a forgiveness class and there was a questionnaire that asked something along the lines of :

“I am angry at_______because of___________” From 1-5 level forgiveness level.

I put down family members and noticed a theme.

Everything stemmed from my absent father. He was physically and emotionally absent for 10 years and even before then my parents were already separated. So I lacked the emotional support of a father and my mother was also very emotionally absent from me. 

So I started looking for that emotional support somewhere else, friends. 

But when they said the wrong thing, set their own boundaries, I couldn’t take it. I lashed out, I disappeared just as my father disappeared from my life. That was the only way I knew how to protect myself. 

I let other people step on me or was NICE to people to get what I wanted- their approval. 

Then God took me into a journey of solitude and seeing myself right.

I needed to make God my sole emotional support and to be my own biggest cheerleader.

I’m not SAYING we don’t need people, because people help us, support us…in the right ways…..

BUT when we are looking for approval from people—-they will surely anger and disappoint you. Approval doesn’t come from people. God has already approved of you. He says “you are enough, you are worthy of love”.

Everyone has bad days. If we look for approval and put unjust burden on them to take care of us when they are incapable of even taking care of themselves—-we become codependent. 

Codependency.

This happens when we make people God. People are not God. People are imperfect.

See yourself right. You’re not perfect. You will disappoint others. You were not put on this earth to please people nor become a God for them. In fact you HURT them by taking their own emotional responsibilities. 

  1. Awareness
  2. Releasing the Past

So last night I had to come to terms with my past. Yes I reconciled with my dad, yes I forgave him and myself…but did that mean everything changed? No. He was still physically and emotionally absent from my life. Things didn’t change. I didn’t magically become close with him nor did I magically have a happy childhood filled with moments where I shared my heart with my dad. 

A moment of grief.

A moment of acceptance.

I said “I accept that this is the reality and I’m accepting it because you God are my everything and I want to share my heart with you”.

Now I can truly let go. I can’t change the past nor can I really change this relationship by myself and it’s okay. It’s okay because God’s got me.

Now I need to be the biggest cheerleader for myself….and it’s taken me years to realize that. As I backpacked through the caves of Malaysia and traversed the jungles of Ecuador, climbing mountains in Taiwan I would hear God whispering to me. I was scared at times, lying awake with no one to talk to with deathly food poisoning, thousands of miles away from home. Yes, I didn’t have much of an emotional support, but there I was – “am I enough for you?” I heard my own soul ask. 

You are enough, you are enough. It’s okay.

There was this theme in my questionnaire- “people didn’t support me in my dreams”.

And I remember all the people who felt utterly alone in their dreams – Abraham, Joseph, etc…and all the tech companies that no one believed in in the beginning. LOL.

Do YOU believe in your dreams? 

Allow others to be themselves. You don’t need everyone to believe in your dreams for you to pursue them. Think of it as a secret in your heart, a baby you are feeding. It is exciting and you may want to share it with the world but sometimes the world is not ready for such a magical thing.

Sometimes you might meet a few rare gems who will stand beside you. Don’t make them your everything. Everyone has their own journey to walk and sometimes it’s through a dark and cold alley. God will walk with you through those alleys. He will never leave you.