Me in Hamburg, Germany
How long since I actually took a nap?
Since I lay down here, and just relaxed, and let go, and just be.
It’s been awhile. I felt strange, I got a headache.
I took a nap. I woke up feeling depressed and hungry. I was thinking about the mediocre Mac and cheese from Sprouts. I didn’t really have an appetite. I decided to call a friend after crying. I started weeping while telling her that I still felt a lot of sadness towards accepting that my dad will never be what I want him to be. My friend said it’s actually the same thing as grieving a death. But it’s worse because that person actually have a choice to reciprocate love.
“God what I want is a relationship with my dad, and that’s one thing I want and I can’t have it. I pursue it, but nothing. I’m cut off. He’s unable to have an emotional connection”. He is an alcoholic. Instead of confronting, speaking up he turns to alcohol. He lives on the other side of the world in Taiwan.
My whole life I shut down my heart, I didn’t know how to address it. I would suddenly detach myself from people and want to be alone. I’d want alone time because it was safer to be alone than to be hurt by someone.
I’d have a huge desire for emotional intimacy. I’d meet someone I really like but then if I knew he wasn’t it, I’d disappear, they would also disappear. We’d knew how to cut each other out of our lives, but there was no acknowledgement, I didn’t know how to talk through it.
I attracted men who were emotionally and physically absent….men I could not be in relationships with, men who I met ten thousand miles away that I would need to say goodbye to when I had to get on another flight.
It was too hard to face the pain of a possible connection, then ending that connection.
I felt immense emotions, I loved the initial high. I loved the romance and sure I’d get sad when I had to leave to another city, but at least I was safe from intense pain. I was safe from connecting long term and disconnecting.
I knew that none of them were my husband.
But that was my process. God had to heal me and it’s taken 31 years of my life. I was that little girl in a corner, playing by herself in kindergarten. I felt unwanted by my father. I felt abandoned and rejected.
This season God has been breaking open my heart and healing every wound…by bringing me to a place of vulnerability where I can open my heart up to people. These people are also going through the same thing.
These are people who will love me for who I truly am.
And that means I am completely open and vulnerable with you too. Whoever you are. I am speaking to you.
It’s not easy to open your heart but it is the most fulfilling thing you’ll ever experience in your life.
Nothing else matters, no house, no car, no material possession, no accomplishment…
You can win the Emmy’s and have no one to cry with.
I am so happy I have people to cry with, people who I can be completely honest with. I’m grateful I can tell them “when you did this, it hurt” and I’m grateful that I can admit that I’m scared, angry, lonely, sad to them.
I’m glad I can talk about Jesus and penises all in one conversation. I can be completely honest and not have to censor myself to one topic. It is merging our faith with our humanity that truly makes us human.
I’ve been trying to figure out the future, trying to do instead of be because I didn’t want to face the emotional pain in my heart.
It hurts that my dad has no capacity of being in relationship with me.
It hurts that I have to go back to Taiwan to even talk to him.
But thank you God for healing this pain in my heart. Thank you that I am moving forward, I’m facing the pain and understanding the patterns in my heart that prevents me from wanting to be vulnerable and honest with people.
One of my best friends in Kindergarten
Now I’d like to be myself and know that people will not reject me. I have those people now. I won’t hide underneath the guise of people pleasing anymore because God has given me courage to speak my truth, even if others are offended by it.
Sure, I was persecuted and I offended people when I was ministering on the road, but it’s given me the courage and strength to always speak my truth no matter what the reactions are.
It is harder to speak your truth to people you are close to than strangers, because you face the risk of losing them.
But maybe those who can’t take the truth are not really your friends.
I kept thinking God what should I do…instead of facing my emotions. It’s easier to be busy than to be vulnerable with God (and people).
God that’s the only thing I want. I want to be naked emotionally and unashamed, like Adam and Eve before sin entered the world.
He has been preparing me for marriage and it’s HARD! REALLY HARD, this process is exposing me so much. But I’m ready, I’m so ready.
Marriage is not just about finding someone you love but being able to be emotionally vulnerable with our life partner. Are you speaking your truth to those around you now? Your friends and family?
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Thank you for your contribution. May the Lord bless you abundantly! My vision is to see people be who they truly are, with no shame or guilt, knowing that they are enough in God’s eyes.