I tried submitting this to a secular website but apparently writing anything about God is considered offensive, so I’m glad I have my own blog.
I’m learning more about what I want from a relationship with my life partner. I learned that a lot of my past relationships were formed out of brokenness in my heart. I was looking for attention, for validation. I needed and wanted someone to validate me- to tell me I am worthy of love.
But I realize a relationship that is based out of your relationship with Jesus, has no lack.
I don’t mean that is it perfect, no; I mean that there’s no need for codependency – which is what a lot of my past relationships looked like.
The guy had mommy issues and I had daddy issues. I was looking for a dad and he was looking for a mom.
A mom gives rides to boys, a mom cooks for their son, a mom comforts their son; I am not looking for a son, I’m looking for a man.
I also didn’t have the financial security of growing up with a father. In fact, I started working when I was 8 years old selling toys after school. I had an entrepreneurial spirit and knew how to make and save money. I soon only found self worth in finance and accomplishments. I also got a lot of attention from men so it was easy to be misled thinking attention was love.
From the age of 8 to 18 I didn’t see my dad. My family immigrated to America from Taiwan when I was 8. I completely lost contact with my dad except for the few times my mother asked me to email my dad for rent money.
When I was 12 years I received Jesus into my heart and found an incredible sacrificial love. This God who loved me could die for me? I wept in my chair at a church retreat. I could feel the tangible love of God in my heart.
But now only at the age of 31 am I feeling the fulfillment of all the healing that took place in my life.
I was really fucked up. Honestly.
I didn’t deserve to be there, that’s how I felt.
God started to show me who I am.
He told me that I am a child of God and that He died on the cross for me so I could attain a position as His daughter. He would never leave nor forsake me. I could handle that. That’s a promise I was willing to receive.
Since everyone had failed and forsaken me, I was willing to trust Him.
Almost 20 years later, I have never seen God fail me. Sure I lost a lot of friends and seen my lifetime of heart aches and heart breaks but He would always whisper, “I’m here, I’m here with you”.
Recently I had to set some boundaries with a guy I knew wasn’t quite it. I loved the companionship and the moments we had together, but I also knew that I wanted more. I don’t want someone I met for a week who doesn’t have the same calling and purpose in life. I want someone who hears God and obeys with me.
I want someone who can grow with me, follow the Spirit with me, not slow me down. I hate goodbyes but I often find myself saying hello and goodbye over and over again.
I’m ready to meet my lifetime partner. I know He won’t be Jesus. I know that we will fight and argue at times. I know he won’t fulfill all my hearts’ desires, but I know he isn’t supposed to.
But I know what I want now. I know what I deserve. I know I deserve the best, not an emotional or physically absent man. I know I deserve a man who will rock with me, go places with me, be by my side. I don’t want a man who I met overseas and does not have the same purpose in life. I don’t want an addition, I want a partner. I don’t want us to have contrasting careers, I want us to change and travel the world together. I want us to compliment in our purpose and destiny.
I want an emotionally, spiritually and physically present man.
It’s possible. Do you believe?
I believe. I hope you will walk this journey with me. Let’s believe together. Let’s not settle for less. Let’s believe for the best because we deserve it.
Consider sowing a seed into souls and into what God is doing through me to set captives free, proclaim the year of freedom and heal the sick. Thanks for your contribution and continual support and prayers to touch lives by the blood of Jesus!
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I’m currently in Thailand. God is calling me day by day so I have no idea where I’ll be but thank you to all who continue to give and pray for me. Your prayers and giving are much appreciated!