Living Against Cultural Norms

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Living Against Cultural Norms 11/25/2018, 9th day in Shanghai China, 4 months overseas, written in the middle of the night on my notebook.
I’ve gone through more challenges than I would care to experience following Jesus and ministering to people in different countries. It’s easy to hide behind a computer but when you are interacting and living with people on a daily basis you’ll face many objections and challenges.

For one, sexism.
Another, the spirit of intimidation and control (witchcraft).
Another, hurt.
There were times I had to ask people to put their phones on silent mode in the dorm rooms. In a 8 bed dorm room you’ll encounter plenty of people.

When I asked this guy to silence his phone as all kinds of sounds were coming from his phone (BTW the first night I got woken up by someone watching porn on their phone, no headphones), he ignored me and pretended I didn’t exist.

He finally got off his bed, which is the top bunk above mine.

When I confronted him, he looked away and pretended I didn’t exist.
Then he stared at me and said “are you crazy? Why are you staring at me?”
I was speechless.
This kind of person exists in this world?
When I told other chinese people about it they said I should just ignore it. They ignore many things. To them it’s part of life- longsuffering.

I believe God calls us to forgive and love our enemies, but He doesn’t call us to be silent.

In fact, a prophet is supposed to speak in the face of opposition, persecution and intimidation.

This week I also showed my past TV appearance videos to some people. They were shocked as I was “skinnier” and “prettier” back then, they said.

I said “I didn’t know who I was back then, I felt that I needed to put on makeup but now I don’t feel the need to put on a “face” for anyone.

But those words still affected me and I had to climb out of the “feeling of not being enough” hole. The truth is I didn’t each much back then out of the fear of lack and the fear of gaining weight. When moments like that occur I have to look at Jesus and reaffirm “I am enough in Christ Jesus”.

I had a dream last night I hadn’t changed water in a tank for 3 weeks and the fishes were in a really thick shampooed filled liquid.

I had another dream a woman pastor layed her hands on my head and I started sobbing. When I woke up I could hear myself crying.

The process of loving others is not easy. I find myself angry and hurt at times, laughing at other times.

I share my testimonies and of God’s grace to people who aren’t perfect- like me.
People who are scared of intimacy, vulnerability, letting anotone into their hearts, people who carry a spirit of lack and don’t feel like they are enough, people who feel guilt and shame and sometimes have no capacity to give me any love because they haven’t embraced God’s love.

Even though I experience joy in these friendships, I’m ultimately still a pastor, minister, prophet.

Its not a 2 way street. I may be sharing intimate parts of my heart but I am never to look for belonging or acceptance from people I minister to because my home is God, no one else.

Perhaps the joy I felt caused me to think that I’ve found new friends, but close friends are people who can actually level up with you.

God will humble you and cause your heart to be enlarged, but your heart will also have to process continual rejection and persecution.

Most of the time people don’t understand me but my job is to share what is on God’s heart and know my belonging is in God.

Being a pastor to the lost sheep is not easy.

It’s a calling for people who will surrender to their hearts continually to God.

It’s a calling for warriors.
It’s a calling for those who won’t give up in the face of strong opposition.

Sow a seed

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Spiritual Revolution

PROPHETIC WORD AND DECLARATION-
Here is a MAJOR awakening happening in China. A lot of people I talk to ACTUALLY have vivid DREAMS every single night. They might not believe in God but THE L#RD is speaking. I feel really grateful to be part of this awakening as I’m a fire starter, a match to the revolution.

After talking to 4 guys in the kitchen until 2 in the morning, p4@ying for some of them I had a vivid dream.

THE DEVIL hates what I’m doing.

In the dream people are partaking of a buffet and eating. They eat so much that they fall asleep, when they fall asleep, the devil with blue skin and white clothes choke people to death. Each person is in front of a TV screen in their own cubicle. I start warning people but there is so much distraction, people start talking and trying to SHUT ME UP!

I finally get one person aside and warn them.

In the dream witches dressed in black start chasing me and I feel dizzy in the dream (witchcraft) I yell JESUS JESUS and I can’t wake up but I finally do.

THE TREND right now and the strategy of the ENEMY is to distract people to be so ENTERTAINED by media, that he is systematically BRAINWASHING people into thinking they are living the life they want when in fact, they actually FALL ASLEEP spiritually.

I see people on the PHONES ALL DAY. I see people walking on the subway with their phones, NEVER one minute leaving their phones.

It’s a way to actually numb their emotions.

BUT I SPEAK BREAKTHROUGH IN THE name of J@SUS.

YOU WILL NOT BE A SLAVE TO the brainwashing of media in J#sus name. You will be the ONE TO WARN OTHERS.

THE LIGHT WILL GET BRIGHTER IN THE END TIMES but the DARKNESS WILL GET DARKER TOO.

I DECLARE protection over all of God’s CHILDREN in J#SUS name. You need to be the one to SPEAK UP about injustices, about oppression and suppression. THERE IS A MAJOR AWAKENING HAPPENING OVER THE WORLD and WILL YOU BE THE ONE TO STEP UP and STOP HOLDING ONTO what you think will give you SAFETY!?

The world will end one day, will you drown in the distractions of the enemy or BE THAT WARRIOR to fight no matter what?

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Last year my mom was going to ask her travel agent about going on a tour to China. I decided to go with her but decided to bring my passport because who knew?

Well, I ended up going.

But guess what, out of nowhere the travel agent said she wanted to give me a free visa to China, she believed that I was really a writer.

I didn’t really understand but I knew PAPA had made a way.

Now I understand that every prophetic word and writing is pivotal and essential to changing minds, hearts.

Do you know of any prophet going to China and prophesying?

Freedom comes from OVERCOMING FEAR.

I will not fear, I will rise and stand as I see the spiritual revolution unfold. Wherever and however G. Leads, I am ready.

Don’t Stay Stuck

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Prophetic Word November 23, 2018
One of the tactic of the enemy is to make you think you’ve found your nest with people you think you belong with. But you know their true character.

They are not your destiny.

Your belonging is in Christ, not in people.
The enemy will send people to make you feel comfortable or familiar and because you’ve felt “alone” for so long you will think “maybe this is where I belong”, but

ARE they pushing you to GROW or allowing you to be STUCK in mud?

True friends will pull you out of the mud and not allow you to stay in it or even allow you to drown in mud.

Beward of wolves in sheep skin, they might even be your family members or friends.
A true prophet will not say what you want to hear but tell you the truth. A desire to fit in and be accepted by those around you will be detrimental to your growth.
You belong to God.
You are already accepted and approved by God.
Your only way is forward.

Beware of those who want to entertain you with mud (the past) because God wants you to move forward.
You must push through the familiar voices, they are distractions from your destiny and true freedom.

Beware of those who just say what you want to hear or give advice that allow you to stay stuck.
Not everyone will make it out. Some will stay in the mud.

You don’t dim your light to accommodate peoples’ darkness, you shine your light- even brighter to bring change to darkness.

 

Just because it feels comfortable doesn’t mean it’s a path from God. Sometimes the more you find your freedom the more you should face and confront difficult conversations and blockages. 

Because your path to FREEDOM comes with battles.

 

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Happiness Is Not Selfish

When you follow your heart, listen to your heart, act on your heart’s desires, you actually allow others to do the same.

Yesterday I was talking to a guy and I said “If peoples’ happiness depend on what you do or don’t do for them, isn’t their happiness based on sinking sand and not on inner peace? Many times Asians live for their families and parents but your parents need to find their own happiness too, it shouldn’t be dependent on your actions and what you decide to do with your life. THIS IS codependency! lt is unhealthy and is not healthy for both parties.
When you tell your truth you actually allow that person to grow as well. You are afraid of hurting that person’s feeling by creating healthy boundaries but you actually hurt them by not telling them. Because awareness leads to change if that person is willing to grow.”

FYI I am currently in Shanghai, China.

We were talking about how Chinese culture is very much about sacrificing for our family, and being “unhappy” for the sake of others.

Think Amy Tan.

But who said that being unhappy for others leads to their happiness.

That’s a total lie.

When you are happy, you actually give others permission to be happy. And happiness (in a healthy and whole way), not in a slave to desire kind of way. I’m talking about being fearless in your life, knowing you are enough kind of way. I’m not talking about a shopping spree happy kind of way, I’m talking about living out of your heart and not what society deems as happiness.

I told him- you are worthy.

I said you are actually in a season where you are opening your heart and showing your vulnerability, showing your weaknesses, being unafraid to to speak your truth….overcoming the fear of rejection.

This is a prophetic word for you.

Some of you have been in hiding but the Lord is saying to come out of hiding. Speak your truth, you are worthy. Tell your story, you are enough. Don’t be afraid of rejection because you know who you are in Christ Jesus.

The time is now.

A Queen/King Honors Her Emotions & Boundaries

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One of the worse things I experienced in life was having a trusted person betray me. It wasn’t that she did anything wrong, she said something really wrong. She dishonored my emotions (and me) during a time when I was going through a really hard time which was caused by one of her family members.

I had a dream where God showed me why I was feeling so shut down.

She belittled the hurt.

And I think that’s why it’s so important we allow children to cry and express anger, hurt. EMOTIONS ARE IMPORTANT. They tell us that our boundaries have been crossed. 

I didn’t think it – but subconsciously, I felt helpless. I felt that even my best friend was against me since she of course sided with her family. The people around me felt like I was being melodramatic and I didn’t know how to describe the hurt and the betrayal.

I felt alone and helpless. I felt angry and betrayed.

After that, I subconsciously shut down my emotions because people didn’t understand them anyways, because it didn’t get anything done, because the person closest to me brushed it aside.

It’s okay, I don’t need to be understood.

During that time I found my true friend, someone who really honored my emotions and could also tell me the truth.

But my heart felt cold and frosty for a long time.

That’s why when my heart suddenly started to melt, it was painful. I can feel the pain now, I can feel now.

“I was dishonored, disgraced, humiliated for your sake”- says the Lord. “I know how that feels, betrayal”. 

When I started to shut down my emotions, I started to sometimes under eat or over eat. I didn’t know when I was full or sometimes hungry. I was so detached from my emotions that I couldn’t even understand what my body was telling me.

I learned that I escaped painful emotions by eating sweets. 

I learned that I used logic and my mind to figure out what wasn’t working instead of going through experiencing the emotions. 

Yesterday this mentally unstable lady on the street demanded I give her my water and I did, at first out of good will, but then got angry at her for taking my water because I was really thirsty.

I forgave her in my heart but decided not to randomly give my water away. She could have gone to in and out to get water. I turned around and saw she had dumped the water on a bench. Next time I will speak loudly for myself. No.

I’ve been watching “The Return of Superman”, a Korean show about dads raising their kids and what I started noticing is that kids are raised to share because it’s a “kind thing to do”.

But kids are rarely taught boundaries.

I was not taught boundaries. I felt like things were easily taken from me, things I loved. In this way, I did not know how to protect and keep things I loved. I allowed people to step over me and didn’t know how to speak up for myself because this was illustrated to me in my family.

I was even taught this in church. Sacrifice.

But no one taught me that because Jesus already became the sacrifice that I didn’t need to be the sacrifice in my life. I didn’t need to be crucified everyday. 

I don’t think martyrdom is what Jesus wanted.

I think He wanted us to know what He died for us to have, to be, to live. 

I think we are in an age where we need to know who we are and push back the darkness that surrounds us. We can’t just take it. That’s not okay. 

We need to stand up and speak up. We need to rise and protect our boundaries.

People tell me that I’m so bold and self-loving. 

But that wasn’t always the case. I was the quiet, obedient Asian girl that people expected me to be. Now when I shout, the whole building can hear me. 

It’s because I know who I am and what I deserve now.

A queen seated on high.

 

Remember Your Way Into Your Promised Land

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Human beings have such amnesia. 

As I was taking a shower, I heard God say “remember my goodness”.

Remember how I delivered you from that broken heart,

remember how I provided for you in the waiting season,

remember how I kept you safe in your travels, when you were healed of deathly food poisoning.

Stop complaining, remember my goodness. 

Every time God delivered you, did you remember to thank Him or did you start focusing on what ELSE you didn’t have? When God kept you safe and healthy after a trip, did you realize that you could have been hurt but God delivered you from evil?

“Remember my goodness so that you can walk through the unknowns and into your promised land” says the Lord. 

I recently went to China and weird enough, after 3 weeks I forgot what God did for me. He sent me to China with 2 weeks notice, He paid for my trip, He delivered me from evil (this evil was manipulation from a salesperson), he kept me healthy on the trip, and He made sure my mom was safe when we separated on our trip and she went her own way.

Somehow my focus was already on what wasn’t happening next. 

Thank God before He delivers you, thank God before He provides, thank God before the door opens, thank God even when you see no progress, even when your child is still disobedient or hanging out with the wrong people, thank God even when your health seems worse than before, thank God before you find housing, thank God before that bill is paid, thank God before your relationships are restored, thank God before He brings your life partner, thank God before your book is published, thank God before you get that big paycheck, thank God before the door opens, thank God for the little because when you thank GOD for the little, He will multiply it. 

Nothing is impossible for God.

If you believe, share this post so the world can be reminded to live in remembrance of God’s goodness. 

Every negative word out of our mouths taints our hearts and digs our own graves. We can build a NEW and GOOD future by being thankful everyday.

It’s all perspective isn’t it? If you believe we are all connected, then one positive and thankful word, post, encouragement can be a catalyst for goodness in this world.

If we can remember what God has done for us before, we will remember “oh yah GOD is for me and not against me! He loves me and He IS a good Father….and all those other lies that are drifting in your mind will dissipate…like the lies that God has forgotten you or doesn’t care about you….they’re all lies!!!….Remember my goodness says the Lord!”

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What’s Still Missing In Television for The Asian Narrative.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and my brain started dissecting the show “Friends From College”, a new netflix tv show about friends heading into their new life in their 40s.

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THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THIS POST.

Now the director is Nicholas Stoller, a British American filmmaker. So yes, he is white. But you know what, thanks for putting an Asian American into the mix. I really do appreciate that. Jae Suh Park, Marianne is an actress, artist who owns a rabbit in the tv show. She is a side kick, again not the main protagonist.

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As I was thinking about her role in the show, I started noticing a few things that are true about a few shows that contain Asian actors in. 

They are always a little off, like they are portrayed as sub-human, not human, quirky, has a strange or weird personality or they have to be really short and have an accent (Hans of 2 Broke Girls) and are constantly the butt of the jokes.

Han of 2 Broke Girls.

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Elliot Park (gay and flirty) from Young and Hungry- again he is not the protagonist and I get that because most writers are white….and directors are too, so they are telling their own narrative by making a white guy the protagonist and tell their VIEW and PERSPECTIVE of an Asian person.

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These characters seem to have to have some kind of quirk that makes them “not human”, making viewers laugh at them, unable to relate to them. They don’t have personal agency to their own emotions (their fears, hurt, anger, sadness), but instead have their emotions inserted through other peoples’ judgement towards them. 

They are often told by their white protagonists what to do or how to think.

The 2 broke girls often make fun of Han and tell him who to be and how to think. Elliott often makes a mess of things and is reprimanded for his actions and desires (corrected by the white man).

In Friends From College, Marianne is seen as incapable but repressed as you see her act in a play which all her friends doubt to be good. There is one scene in which she acts as the man and rapes a tall white man (who acts as a woman in a dress). This scene is a huge portrayal of the repressed Asian consciousness.

She is the responsible one as she drives the party bus for a “white man” who partakes of wine with the friend group and falls asleep even though it was his job to drive the bus.

For some reason, yet again, she does not seem to have her head on her shoulders, there is something off about her. Yet, the rest of the crew are portrayed as sane and knowledgeable even though they are having affairs with their best friends’ spouses, has drug problems but can somehow get away with it.

And of course she owns a cute rabbit because Asians own cute things like that.

But I notice all these things because I am Asian myself.

I want to see shows that portray who I am, human with real fears, emotions, vulnerabilities…but sane, not subhuman. I want to tell my own narrative and not be told to be a certain way because a white person (or any person) is telling me how to act or feel.

Until then, how can anyone take an person of Asian ethnicity serious if all they see is people who have no agency to their own emotions and personality?