Growing In Emotional Maturity

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I find this a juxtaposition of “isolation” on the right versus “community” on the left side. This was taken in Santa Monica.

Every day that goes by I realize I never confronted my dad.

Just let him get away with it. Just let those people who abandoned and walked away get away with it. 

That was also my pattern. I let people step on me and abuse me, mistreated me but I didn’t speak up for myself. I didn’t say how I felt. It would become so much I’d block them, cut them off. That was my pattern. Because I didn’t know how to communicate how I felt. In my mom’s eyes, I was always wrong. I was always the scapegoat for all her stress and problems. Both my brother and I were. 

So I silenced myself and got shingles when I was 14. 

I endured the yelling and the temper fits. 

“I deserve to be punished” – that’s how I felt.

“I am the reason for all her problems and stress”

“I am a burden”

These were lies that were ingrained into me because of my upbringing. My mother was emotionally unstable. She probably didn’t talk to a therapist about how she felt. She was always blaming my dad. I heard things like “he’s evil, he’s a bad person”.

These were said to me-

“you’re an adult, get over it”

“you should just forgive and forget”

“You keep living in the past”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be so honest and blunt because it may push him away”

I realized that I shouldn’t be blamed for feeling how I feel. No one should throw bible verses at you to quiet and silence your emotions. It’s too easy to do that. That’s why a lot of Christians are emotionally immature. They allow people to step on them thinking that’s Christ-like, it’s being loving…but it’s not.

Love is SPEAKING UP FOR YOURSELF. LOVE IS RESPECTING YOURSELF. LOVE IS VALUING YOUR OPINIONS AND EMOTIONS! 

We have a soul, we have a spirit, we have emotions….the emotional part of ourselves is what is often not nurtured and taken care of because of emotionally immature parents. 

We were taught to-

“get over it”

“don’t cry”

“be positive”

These are blanket statements to shut people up. It keeps people in isolation and is a trap from the devil to dishonor and disrespect your heart. 

Love is communicating your truth and having someone say “I still love you”.

Love is being understood, even if that truth is not what you want to hear.

It’s okay to say-

“I don’t really understand your point of view, but I can agree to disagree”

“I understand we are different people and we have different ways of doing things, but how you do things is just as valuable as the way I do things”

Here’s what I learned-

  1. If someone does not have a relationship with you, they are just acquaintances….they don’t have a right to tell you what to do nor even give input into your life. They don’t know your heart.
  2. A true love friendship, relationship is a conversation, not a monologue or a tyranny of someone trying to control you and tell you what to do.

Remember, a relationship is a constant conversation, it’s communication. It has nothing to do with right or wrong. People who have shut down their emotions and heart often become religious because they don’t accept their emotions as valid.

Your emotions are valid. If you are hurt, it is valid. If you are angry, it is valid.

My dad never responds to my messages or calls but I realize…I can still express how I feel. I can send messages, I can record messages. I can still speak how I feel.

It’s not a relationship, no. But it says to my heart “my thoughts and emotions matter”.

Even if your parents passed away or if someone walked away from you, you can record a message or write a letter to tell them how you feel. That says to your heart “your opinion and emotions matter”. 

I just sent messages to a friend who cut me off and it felt good to release how I felt.

I am learning how to be in emotional mature friendships. It’s not always easy but telling the truth will set you free. 

Relationship isn’t telling someone what to do. 

Relationship is a conversation, it’s constant communication of how you feel. 

Relationship isn’t about being right or wrong but honoring someone’s heart and accepting where they are in their hearts without pushing them or forcing them to be somewhere they are not.

Relationship is accepting where they are, even if that’s a place of pain and hurt.

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Unsure But Faithful

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“Okay God, if you want me to go then give me more confirmation”

I fall asleep and I have dreams with clear directions about how to get there.

When I follow God’s voice, sometimes I’m unsure. Maybe it’s the fear that sets in or uncertainty. Yesterday I went to the beach but midway I felt my heart go “go home”. I felt fear. What am I supposed to expect. It’s late, why is the bus taking so long?

But I get on the train, the Lord tells me “the middle train” and I sit right near this Cambodian ex-gang member that I met on the bus one night. He was also Christian. I couldn’t believe it. He said he moved to San Pedro. And here we met again in a train at Union Station.

I can trust what I am hearing, but at times Satan tries to lie to me and tell me I’m all alone.

I had a dream that I found my blue gym bag and it said “just do it”. Yesterday I saw a woman wearing “just do it” leggings. 

When the Lord tells us to go He is asking us to have faith and trust He is our provider, our GPS at all times, and that He will keep us safe. He will also send people our way at all times. 

Just when I think I’m alone, God always sends a divine appointment and I realize that “Yes I am on the right path”. Doubt creeps in pretty easily, especially if someone is following you on the train, and you don’t feel safe at times. That happened one day.

Yesterday I took the train from Pasadena to Downtown and I heard “move” when I sat in the first car. I heard “middle car” so I moved to the middle car and immediately there was a man who started talking to me.

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I am pretty sensitive to God’s voice but there are times I want to sulk or stay in my flesh.

This morning the Lord said –

“What are you doing?”

“Laying here”

“It’s time to go”

“Can you pick someone else?”

“I will take you places you can’t even imagine, all you have to do is be my mouthpiece”

“Sometimes I just want to be normal and not have people persecuting me”

But I know the truth is, I would be really bored if I lived a normal life. 

I’m not sure if I like seeing people manifest all the time, I’m not sure if I like fear trying to attack me when I’m following God everyday, I’m not sure if I want my heart to be open at all times (which is what ministering to people is…I’m constantly feeling emotions, crying for people, caring), I’m not sure if I liked being stretched everyday, I’m not sure if I want to trust God all the time….

But whenever I do trust God, the outcome is always good. That’s why I don’t like not listening. I have always seen God pull through, set me free from a limiting mindset, bless me, or open my heart. He has sent me to thousands of people all around the world. I am so rich with love. 

I’m not sure if I want to feel though, to feel the immense well of pain, love, laughter, emotions that comes with loving. And I meet people on a daily basis.

Yesterday I missed my stop but I got off and heard “hollywood”. A guy told me he was gorgeous and I asked what his tattoos meant. He said “it’s a bible verse”. I said I do ministry and God led me to him.

He said “I’m backslidden though”. We got on the bus and got off at Ralphs. He said he was just selling marajuana and other things….I said “meth?” “Yes” “See I’m a prophet, I know”.

Strangely, he also got his phone stolen.

A lot of issues and addictions come from feeling unloved and unwanted by our parents and God sends me to show people “hey, go home, hey you are wanted, hey it’s okay to reach out for help, hey you’re worthy of love, you’re a success, God is proud of you, there is no shame”.

God is stretching me, my understanding of love.

People I never thought I had the capacity to love, I’m learning to love. The drug addicts, the prostitutes, the pimps even, the gangsters, the cheats, the liars, the homeless because we are all fallen, we were all with sin but Jesus died on the cross for our sins, so no one is better.

I have a fear of being cold. Sometimes I wear what the Lord tells me to. Yesterday He told me to wear shorts so I did. It was really short so I caught people staring at me and felt unsafe. When I got to the beach I heard “change” so I changed into my dress. When I came out I saw this beautiful woman. I said hi to her. She came to me “do you have pants?”

“I said, actually I do! God told me to wear shorts” so I took off my shorts from underneath my dress and gave it to her. She was so happy. I asked if she was homeless and she said “yes”. I said “do you have a bra?” She said “no it’s okay”. I took off my sports bra because my dress didn’t really require a bra. She put it on right away and tried to give me back her shirt and I said “no you’re cold, you need it”. She tried to leave it but she came back for it.

Then I gave her $5 (grace) and she said here “have $2 (double portion)”.

She kept saying “thank you”. And I felt this warmth. I started sweating and felt really hot. I realize it was God saying “don’t worry about being cold”. That night someone called a lyft for me after spending time with them, so I didn’t even need my sweater. I wish I obeyed and just gave my sweater to her.

God’s ways really isn’t our ways and when we trust God completely we will see that He always provides what we need.

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Overcoming Abuse

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This is a young man I ministered to and bumped into again on the train. The Lord told me to go to the beach and this man was also going there, but he was going to a shelter to shower because he did not feel safe to go home to a military christian home where there were many rules. I asked if he ever talked to his parents about how he felt and he said no, usually he just isolates himself. I said that he was worthy of love and he thanked me. I find that many young people turn to drugs because they feel condemned and not enough because of their parents’ rules and regulations. They need to know they are loved and not condemned.

I told my mom yesterday….a relationship isn’t about rules but communicating how you feel. 

I was emotionally constipated for 4 days. It is rare for me not to cry everyday recently. Even when I pray sometimes I start crying.

But I couldn’t cry.

My mom was yelling at me and telling me I was crazy, she didn’t believe I was hearing God and she told me I needed to see a psychiatrist or a doctor.

I asked her “is this my water bottle?”

She said “how would I know? I never drink from water bottles!” She yelled. She starts yelling and I have no idea why. She’s probably stressed about something else but I have no idea what. She won’t talk about her emotions or feelings so I get the end of that.

I feel like the walking dead, I feel like a zombie. I don’t understand how a mother can be like that.

I feel dead inside, and suddenly I hear “I want to die”. I start casting out a spirit of death. I need to get out the house.

I get in the car and drive. I call my friend and ask her to encourage me. She says “God loves you, you are beautiful, people love you” and that’s when I break down in tears after 4 days. 

I felt unwanted, that’s why. Everything I did or didn’t do was wrong to my mom. I felt like I was not enough and wasn’t doing enough.

I remember “yes I’m doing enough and I am enough”.

I said through my tears “when she yells at me I feel unwanted and unloved”.

Again, I had a dream about a phone being lost or broken, it usually has to do with communication. So I wake up with this feeling in my heart.

God tells me to tell her how I feel and I do, but it’s met with the same response of blame or shame. 

She wants to hide from her emotions, she wants to run and not feel and the best way for her to do that is to stay busy. Yet her knees hurt.

So when will you stop running and just feel the emotions?

God loves you, He will never leave nor forsake you.

I grew up feeling blamed and shunned for problems that were not my own so I would people please or mommy please because I thought it was my fault that they were angry, not realizing it had nothing to do with me. 

It’s taken a long journey of learning to speak my mind even when it doesn’t feel safe.

You are safe with me, says God. 

Come to me and cast your cares on me. You are safe here with me. 

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Are You Ready For Your Husband/Wife?

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I want a guy who asks me how my day was? What my hopes and dreams are? How am I feeling?

A man, not a boy. A man who cares about me, not just his ego. A man who wants to take care of me, make me feel loved. He is not egotistical, self-centered. He is able to be vulnerable and emotional. He is in touch with his emotions and know what he is feeling. He can feel his heart.

“How are you doing?” not just “what did you eat for dinner?”

And he listens, not just talks.

So many guys talk, they go on long monologues about things I’m not interested in. I want a guy to say “I love you, and you’re the only one I want to be with”. I’m the only love interest in his life, not another girl, another pretty face.

He sees my value and my worth. He sees that I am more than anything he owns on this earth, more than gold or dollar signs. 

He is willing to die for me and show that he cares, by listening, by talking, by conversing. He puts emotional connection first, not physical connection. Because without emotional connection, nothing else matters.

I want a man, not a boy. A man is not afraid of tears, he is in touch with his emotions even if he seems weak in peoples’ eyes. His vulnerability is his strength, he is willing to admit when he is sad or angry. He is willing to admit he feels jealous. But he won’t control, he will communicate his fears.

Are you willing to be vulnerable enough to admit that –

  1. You’re scared
  2. You miss someone
  3. You don’t want to seem like a fool but here’s all of your emotions
  4. You’re insecure
  5. Be honest and tell someone how you actually feel

Over the last few months God has taught me so much about what I want and how to be honest with people I meet, at any cost. This means that I have told my truth even though it may have hurt someone.

I want to be –

  1. Understood
  2. Heard
  3. Cared for

I have met plenty of self- centered men that only like me for my beauty or for how I make them feel.

The truth is – they should be interested in your dreams too, they should support you in what you want to do. 

A man who supports your dreams should ask you this-

  1. How can I help?
  2. How do you need to be loved?
  3. How can I make you feel secure?

and they communicate their emotions to you. They don’t run away from confrontation, they meet you half way. They show up.

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Let’s Talk About Dating!!!!!

When I was young, I was taught that God will just bring your husband.

You just had to sit there and wait.

LOL.

But what God has taught me in the last few years is that when you have triggers and issues related to men (for me) since I did not grow up with my dad and had many fears about marriage— God will graciously bring what you need to heal those wounds.

God has brought me many divine appointments to show me that there are good men out there. He has taught me how to communicate and relate to a male. He has shown me why some males have trouble communicating their emotions and what they struggle with.

Here were my fears –

  1. That someone will disappear and walk away (a fear of loss).
  2. I felt that people didn’t care about me, and instead of conveying how they felt….they disappeared (again).
  3. That if I got emotionally close to someone and it was a male, they had to be my future husband….because if I got close to someone who wasn’t my husband then well, they’d end up liking me or vice versa…and that was ultimately bad…since you would have to separate from each other. So better not to take the chance. And also because I had a close guy friend that I thought liked me, but ultimately got a girlfriend (so I read the cues wrong but God protected me).

What I have learned to do in the last years-

  1. Tell a guy if I liked him or was attracted to him. Be vulnerable and tell him how I felt even if he did not like me back. This has helped me to overcome any fear of rejection. 
  2. Tell a guy if he was not my future husband and brace the reactions, even if it was bad.
  3. Tell the truth at all times. 

So I think churches don’t teach that stuff at all. 

Churches teach “avoid” at all costs. They don’t teach honesty. They don’t teach people how to confront issues and bring up the issue. What I learned from church was “just avoid dating. Only date the guy if he’s going to be your husband”.

Dating is really about getting to know a person. If after a date, or a coffee date….he is not what you’re looking for, it’s okay to tell the truth and move on! Perhaps a lot of people are scared to date because they’re scared of rejection or getting their heart broken.

Dating isn’t about avoiding the truth, it’s about telling the truth! Some people are scared to date because they’re scared to hurt someone….so they just disappear or ghost and there are a lot of unresolved issues because of that. 

I’ve seen that the more honest and direct you are, the better.

Some people settle because they think “this is good enough”.

But you deserve the BEST! 

So why not put yourself out there. It’s not about getting it right. It’s about living in freedom and expressing love.

I have told plenty of people that they are attractive or that they are kind and loving. I have told people that they are amazing. Why not? And I’ve been vulnerable too, and I’ve been hurt. But why live with fear?

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Prophetic Word- Sing A NEW SONG! Pioneers RISE!

I find it so hilarious that people are posting negative comments on my blog. Just know that I don’t read negative comments. I delete them.

Sing a new song! Pioneers arise!

Don’t stay silent!

Don’t stay muzzled! God is releasing a new song through you and it’s going to SHIFT AND CHANGE atmospheres! Keep speaking truth and life! 

Keep shifting and changing atmospheres!

Don’t submit to fear! Yes! Don’t submit!

ROAR! SPEAK UP!

 

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Unconditional Love

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We all need love but when we have been hurt we don’t want to open up again.
Love needs to invade the walls of self protection and when unveiled, we feel vulnerable and open to pain or attack.
Sure it hurts. But then we rise again.
Recently a situation with a guy I met helped me see that my heart was shut down because my dad doesn’t talk to me. I’ll open my heart to connect but then suddenly it’s like he doesn’t care anymore. It’s like I don’t exist. I had to reach out to the guy to understand why he didn’t text or call me. We had to communicate. A part of me thought what’s the point, we are not going to be together. But it really did help, I didn’t feel ignored and I felt loved to hear truth.
Honest truth.
I grew up feeling emotionally shut down, sometimes depressed. I thought God was ignoring me. I wouldn’t let people in and when I did, it hurt and sometimes when I told the truth, most people left.
The truth was too much for them. They wanted me to be silent. They wanted me to fit in. They wanted me to be what they expected of me. They liked me when I didn’t speak up, when I conformed.
They attacked me for being different.
I was attacked my whole life for standing out, so I shut down and people pleased.
Then when God told me to speak up, I lost friends, I got persecuted, I was rejected, I was judged.
I lost everything that was false. I sold everything to follow Jesus. I got rid of my car and my apartment. Everything was a facade of success. I was struggling to pay my bills, I was broken inside. When I did that people criticized me. They didn’t understand I was being set free from what bond me.
Conditional love.
I had only experienced conditional love. The type of love that loves you only when you conform and fit in. The type of love that only loves you when you listen to them.
That was the bondage, the spirit of lack.
I never experienced being loved for who I am.
And now as I’m coming out of hiding, I tell my complete truth, I need help, I’m not perfect.
I want to be loved for who I am, not the perfect me, the me now. Enough in God’s eyes, whole in God’s eyes.
Unconditional love.