1% of People Marry Their First Love

That’s what my friend said, to comfort me in my momentary despair.

I said “why do I have to meet guys who aren’t going to be my husband and then experience the heart break and pain? While I see people who just meet that one right person and seem to live happily ever after, or sure, with some issues in marriage”.

“There’s still some work to be done, deeper wounds that need to be healed” says another friend.

I’m 31. I don’t know how many more need to be healed but seems like an unending drama.

Like one of those dramas that are dragged on so that time can pass for no good reason but they have nothing to show on tv.

How come other people seem to have no issues….or maybe it’s just because they choose to settle for someone who has issues that they also have…and both refuse to heal or grow from it. Instead these couples live in their codependent miseries.

That really makes me feel better.

I am just choosing not to settle.

I could have settled with my ex, who was emotionally absent and had a wall that couldn’t be knocked down.

I could have settled for an alcoholic.

I could have settled for a selfish man.

So sure I see many who married and seem to have beautiful lives but who knows what’s behind the curtain? Most people don’t share their problems with the world. It’s better to smile for the camera and post a picture perfect marriage.

Well, my healing journey has not been easy. Having been single for 5 years the last year God gave me a dream where he showed me pictures of men like on tinder and said “get ready”.

Sure enough, the matches came.

But none were really it.

Something was always missing.

The main ingredient- an unfaltering and unwavering commitment to follow Jesus at any cost.

Sure I met good Christian men too, but they were half committed to Jesus. I would prophesy something over them and many of them are still where they are last year. I’m not saying they’re bad, I’m just saying I need to have the same level of faith with my hubby.

I can’t be dragged down trying to convince someone.

I met non Christian men too. But it was obvious their sole agenda was lust or longed for someone to fill the void that only Jesus could fill.

I healed from my issues and am still discovering if there are any more.

1. I had major trust issues because my dad cheated on my mom- God brought me people that were trustworthy and I realize men can be trusted, just need to be the right person.

2. My dad did not provide growing up and I realize that I want a man that loves to provide.

3. I cannot be with an alcoholic. I need someone who is completely filled with Jesus and His spirit.

4. Emotional vulnerability is key to the man I am supposed to be with. This man doesn’t just talk about work or how his day was but he talks about how he feels.

5. Honesty – I realize is everything and will break the thickest emotional wall.

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Princess “Love” Diaries

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I wrote a lot today but after watching “Late Night”, I was even more inspired to write truthfully. Mindy has a way of inspiring me. She is not white, she is in fact ASIAN! It’s good to see a fellow Asian writing movies.

SO I named this blog post Princess Diaries because unlike the princess in many stories, I have been the prince in my own life for my whole life. Jesus was my prince sure, but I was very masculine growing up, I had to be my own bread winner, to support myself since I was very young. Even if I didn’t really want to, something inside of me said that I must “DO DO DO” and I never understood the laid back life. It was only until I understood grace that I learned to rest….but then God took me on a journey last year that seriously wore me out. I LOST all my strength and even my desires.

I AM A PRINCESS and I want to live like one. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. What I mean is so many women have fought for rights and I get that, but for once I’d like someone to take care of me. I get that I’m a pioneer but I can’t go on any longer forging a new path, for once I like 100 people behind me saying “YOU CAN DO IT!”

I’m tired of praying in tongues trying to encourage myself is what I’m saying. I’m not alone. I have gathered women on my journey who have contended and prayed for me and I AM SO GRATEFUL.

But I’m asking God now “OKAY I’m ready for my prince!” Like the real life one.

I think sometimes singles look at married couple and think “how did he/she get that husband/wife, are they more qualified than I” as if it’s a job that you need to be qualified for…and when you’re following Jesus and you’ve sacrificed

You wonder “why did they find each other” when she didn’t really do anything as if husband/wives are like rewards you get for following Jesus.

And then when the life partner takes a freaken long time to come you think “what did I do wrong?”

Well good news- it’s not something you earn.

Because a life partner is a gift, like anything else good in this life, not something you earn by your works.

And my advice is, just don’t settle. Wait for the right person. Everyone has their own life story and no one has the same timeline. Sometimes when you’ve waited a long time for some of God’s promises to come to pass in your life, you feel forgotten…you think, what the hell God. Serious? 

Where did I get it wrong?

Did I waste too much time with my ex? DO I need to dye my hair? Cut my hair? DO I need to go on tinder like everyone else? Do I need to go on dates with people I’m only 10% interested in?

And my answer is….no.

You are enough.

I know it sounds so simple, but you’re not lacking anything and when you journey through life, YOUR LIFE PARTNER WILL COME. Period. 

Don’t wait for those “things” and “people” to come. LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE NOW.

A year ago when I was in LA, I watched over 70 movies in 7 months by myself (save 2 that I watched with a girl I met at the gym and 1 where I divinely sat next to her the whole movie….and at the end she called my name)- btw I had moviepass. LOL.

I LOVE movies and I want to write and direct them.

Here’s the thing, I didn’t wait for a date to watch these movies, I just followed my heart. Don’t ever wait for others to get it or to come along your adventures, most people are too slow and too scared to do it. 

It is coming- whatever you have dreamed of. Don’t give up hope just because you don’t see it now. I know that waiting seems indefinite but I always tell people, “well you are only single for the first part ish of your life” (for the youngans I’m talking to), then you are married for the rest of your life. So, what do you want to do now?

I want you to start dreaming again. I know many things died in your life- perhaps a dream, a person, a career….but what would it look like if your life was a phoenix rising up to the skies? 

I’ve only started dreaming again. I’ve had so many disappointments that I’ve stopped dreaming and even in the midst of ministry, I felt my heart was neglected somehow. I feel like this is the season to receive everything I’ve sown into others.

May the deaths in your vision resurrect. May your heart pound again and may you have butterflies again. May you laugh with excitement and jump up and down due to glee. May your eyes light up with hope and joy. May the flowers that you pass by in dark seasons become vivid yellows and blues. May your words and colors flow again. May you paint with renewed passion. May you conduct and produce all that the creator put in you. May you receive everything you’ve been yearning for. May you have people that you call home, who support you and create a safe place for your heart.

You won’t have to prove yourself in this season. 

It’s too tiring. No. This season, you won’t have to explain yourself. This season, it will be filled with ease. This season, you will receive an award for being you. This season you won’t pretend to be happy when you’re not and sad when you’re not. This season you will smile with authenticity and you will only allow the genuine ones into your life.

There was too much deception and manipulation in the last season, too many wolves in sheep skin, too many deceptive spirits and too many falls into dark caves.

This season you will soar and it will be easy. 

I declare this over you. It will be an easy season, where you will naturally reap everything Jesus paid for you to have. 

I readily submit myself to this plan. For now I have nothing to lose.

In Jesus name amen.

Journey with me on this path of recovering your heart and dreams friend- sow a seed: thank you!

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Prophetic Word- God Is Going To Fulfill Your Longing

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Proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

I feel like this age is a golden age. Last night I dreamed that people were wearing shimmering golden clothes. I felt like God was highlighting upgrades, promotions and new callings.

He is saying “PICK UP THAT DREAM AGAIN!”

You might be wondering- then why the heck did He tell me drop it in the first place.

You didn’t know your identity back then. You were striving. You lived out of an orphan mentality. As I’m writing this I can feel an ache in my heart. 

I’m also listening to Korean drama music because Korean dramas have a special place in my heart, it’s almost how my heart processes emotions. That moment when a 2 people finally kiss in a Korean drama is epic.

Because it’s that moment when you feel like “THEY FINALLY GOT WHAT THEY WANT!” Usually in the whole drama you’re fighting your own emotions, you’re crying and you’re yelling at the in-laws for trying to stop these 2 people from being together. There is usually an evil mother in law, or a grandpa who doesn’t want the couple to be happy. 

Usually these evil minded people have unfulfilled desires themselves and have lived in suffering much of their lives.

So you think- okay, seriously? So because you’ve suffered, I have to suffer to?

Which I realize is the case with me, I don’t have to suffer just because my parents suffered. I don’t have to suffer just because my relatives suffered.

I can have happiness.

I can have what I want.

So what is God calling me back to?

A place of resting from 10 months of ministry. I’ve hit my 10 months on May 14. I dropped everything, left my career ambitions to follow Jesus. It’s not that these ambitions were evil, but God just had a different season for me. He was asking me to walk in TRUST.

And trust I did. I went without knowing how I would survive, financially. I kept going even when I saw no way out. I prayed and prophesied over thousands of people. I gained the support and friendships of hundreds of people all over the world. I met Christian sisters and brothers, I called people into their destiny- some were called to be pastors, missionaries, actors, engineers, musicians, artists. 

I went to Taiwan, Korean, Japan, South Africa, China, Hong Kong, Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, Australia, New Zealand, Fiji, Samoa (14 countries total). 

I arrived in South Africa with $20 in my pocket and a credit card. When I didn’t know how I could go on God told me to come out with my story and purpose. I started fundraising. But somehow I would just have enough for what I needed. 

I was in Thailand, Bangkok going to Chiangmai and had a few bucks left when someone anonymous (who had been reading my blog) sent in $30. I was anxious that I wouldn’t survive but God provided again.

We are now friends and she said she felt compelled to send $30, which was the age Jesus started the ministry- and was also the age I started mine. Since then I’ve talked to her on Facetime and she is now courageously stepping into what God has called her to (I believe in YOU!). 

God is not calling everyone to sell everything and follow Him in the sense that I did. Your calling may be to be an artist and to be an influence in the art world. You may be called to write books.

This morning I woke up with downloads from God. He said “write this down”. He had recently told me to start a class called “the abundance of God”. He showed me abundance actually had nothing to do with money. I will be sharing more in the Facebook group. If you’d like to join, send $50 registration fee to https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien or https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien

I’ve always known I’d be famous. I don’t say that in vanity.

I always saw myself in TV, in movies, speaking on stage, writing books, producing creative projects, being an entrepreneur, owning multiple businesses, maybe be a politician.

Because these 10 months God has put me through the fire. I’ve stayed in dorms with 8 other people or more, I’ve endured heat and cold. I’ve had flus and food poisoning. I’ve experienced more than you can imagine without the security of a paycheck or a backing of a church- but TRUSTING IN JESUS CHRIST ALONE! 

That’s what I mean by not living in the fear of lack or fear of not being enough. He’s taught me to ask for help, and to know my worth. He’s taught me to fight feelings of lack or to discern spirits in other people. I’ve prophesied over thousands of people and called people into their destiny. I’ve spoken no condemnation over those who feel ashamed or guilty, condemned.

It’s time to run after what you actually want. WHAT DO YOU WANT? 

GO AFTER IT!

Sow a seed-

 

 

Walking By Faith, Not Sight

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Writing from Nelson, New Zealand

Another day of following the Holy Spirit with my bag and suitcase.

Not comfortable. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and just went to pray, I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t have enough for a hostel the next day and today the Lord said “It’s time to move on”. I prayed for a few people and told my testimony to an English guy.

Dying to myself is so hard.

I want to be comfortable, I want to have the security of finances, but I have to trust God alone. 

R represents me, G is God.

R- I’m scared that you will leave or abandon me. I can just imagine the worse case scenario, me lying on the street.

G- Trust me. I am leading you to the lost sheep. My ways are not your ways. I know you want to know how it’s going to happen, but my ways are not your ways.

R- Why me?

G- Because you are willing.

R- But it’s difficult.

G- In your weakness my strength is made perfect.

“Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

R- I tried everything didn’t I? I tried to fundraise, I tried couchsurfing. But your ways are not mine, so though my heart is unwilling, I submit to your ways.

G- Flow with my Spirit. I know that you want to run away, like Jonah. But you’re choosing to stay. Remember when you watched “Married At First Sight”? You have a choice to STAY OR LEAVE…yet every time you’re choosing to STAY. You’re choosing the safe path of following me. Though everyone else may think this is the unsafe and unsecure path, you are choosing the only path that matters, the path of life, the path of the Kingdom, my path.

This all makes sense now. Before I left Los Angeles to follow Jesus in search of lost sheep, to share Jesus with people….I kept having dreams about getting married.

I had dreams that I was wearing a wedding dress and getting ready on an airplane.

This was saying “Yes” the the Ring, the dress, the commitment to God. This was believing that God had the best intention for me, that His heart is love for me.

That as a husband, God will never leave nor forsake me.

So I’m not alone, though I may feel that everyone else has abandoned me. 

I am so thankful for the people that continue to pray and support me on this journey, but nothing compares to the presence of God. People are not constantly next to me to root me on. People are not there 24 hours to pray with me. Sometimes I feel like I really can’t go on anymore, I feel petrified. I have a few dollars, I don’t know what will happen but I’m choosing intimacy with God.

The Lord has just drawn me to a place of closer intimacy with His heart. 

G- I will do and go anywhere for one person, will you do that? Will you pour out your life for the sake of one?

R- yes I do and will.

G- You are my faithful warrior. Don’t give up, be brave and bold for I am with you. 

Yesterday I prophesied over a Thai man, I saw him doing graphic design. He was shocked. He asked me how I knew as he just returned from Wellington (where he was doing graphic design)- I said Jesus showed me.

G- You’re bringing them closer to me. The revelation of who I am, love.

R- What about me Lord?

G- I will never leave nor forsake you. Be brave and move forward. Walk in my spirit. Walk forward even when you don’t know what will happen.

R- I will hold your hand even when my heart is fearful. I will hold your hand into the dark, as you are my light.

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Give to the work of the Kingdom, to saving souls and changing lives. Thank you so much for your continual support.

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The Perfect Husband Does Exist

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Today I watched Dr.Phil talk to a woman who had almost been killed 2 times by her husband. He brought in a woman who had been set on fire by her husband. This woman warned the other woman.

“Do you believe you are worthy?” Dr. Phil said. 

Often times we live out what we believe about ourselves and when we don’t grow up with right examples, we live out our inner reality.

The other day I was at a mall and the Lord asked me to pray for a cleaner. After I prayed for her I noticed she had a black eye and asked her about it. She said “bad decisions”. “Is it a guy?” I asked. “yes”. She looked down. I said that if she left the guy the Lord will be with her to provide for her and to help her. That she is NEVER alone.

Then another day I was on a train and started to talk to a woman who was in a relationship with a man who called her names, names that you wouldn’t want anyone to call your daughter or friend. I told her approximately 10 times that she needed to break up with him. 

But I understand this all too well. I didn’t see my dad for 10 years and the unworthiness factor made me long for a guy’s attention. This manifested in dating the wrong guys, jerks, or putting myself in situations that were dangerous.

It was only until my ex, and meeting a lot of jerks that I finally said to God “I want nothing but you”. 

I stopped dating and suddenly all the jerks, guys disappeared from my life. Even cute guys disappeared from the street. They just didn’t appear at all.

Nothing and no one could have told me to stop, it was my feeling of “I’ve HAD ENOUGH” that caused me to stop wanting unsavory food. 

Falling in LOVE with God is a process. We don’t just fall in love with God, we have to make decisions that draw us closer to God. We have to let go of our own agendas, our own choices to allow God near our hearts. God will not break down your wall, you have to let Him in.

I’ve been single for 5 years. I’ve liked or been attracted to guys in the middle but essentially I said to God “you and you alone until you bring me my husband”.

This means crying to God when I feel alone, this means relying on God when money is dry, this means relying on God for protection on the road, this means telling Him my inner fears and rants.

Sanctification is a process. I’m not perfect, far from it. I’m weak but God is strong for me.

I wish I knew my worth back then but everything I’ve gone through taught me how to value myself. I am glad that God protected me enough that I didn’t get hurt to the extent that most people do. One thing I committed to myself was that I was going to save myself for marriage. I still did things that compromised my worth but never again.

When you’ve been through enough you’ll know when it’s time to turn to God alone. God is a better man than anyone will ever be for you. He will take care of you and your needs. He is attentive and He listens when others don’t. 

He will ease all your fears and He is reliable, He is trustworthy.

He is a good father, a good husband, a good friend.

“I love you. I will never leave nor forsake you. I am a good husband. I will take care of you. I will not cheat on you. I will hold your hand through the thick and thin. I will hold your heart in the palm of my hands and I will never let go. I am attentive to your needs and desires, I will not forsake you. I promise you this”- God

For your Maker is your husband—
    the Lord Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
    he is called the God of all the earth.
The Lord will call you back
    as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
    only to be rejected,” says your God.
 “For a brief moment I abandoned you,
    but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
In a surge of anger
    I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
    I will have compassion on you,”
    says the Lord your Redeemer.

The perfect husband is Jesus. 

Give- Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world. 

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You Are Enough – The Message of The Cross

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I realized this morning that I’m scared of happiness. I’m scared to be happy.

All my life I lived in the shadows of a broken home and unworthiness seemed to follow me wherever I went.

I started to see my worth when I understood grace, a finished work that required no work of my own but that Jesus finished the work for me.

Yet when I see a happy couple or family, my heart is doubtful.

I want to find flaws and I want to know they’ve struggled, I want to see brokenness, I want to know I’m not the only one who has struggled or is struggling.

At the same time I don’t want my pessimism to touch them, to infect their happiness.

I just heard the Lord say “you are enough, you are not lacking”.

I deserve happiness and I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have.

I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy.

Growing up I felt like God owed me a great deal for the way I grew up. I was always fighting to survive. There was always a conflict, a struggle, a battle and I often felt restless.

I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, unable to feel like myself in this world.

Just receive, sometimes it’s easier to give than to receive. Because to receive you must believe you are worthy of it. 

But when you feel unworthy, you’ll refuse the help.

Sometimes we’re afraid to give because we’re afraid we will lack or not have enough.

Both comes from a fear of lack.

But in Christ we are whole and not lacking and only in loving can we understand grace, that it is all sufficient and not lacking.

Your worth isn’t in how you grew up, what situation or circumstance you are in now. Your worth is in being a child of God, knowing Jesus died for you to make you whole.

They don’t have more than you do- the ones you think have more financially, relationally, etc.

You have everything you need to do what you need to do.

My friend told me she felt depressed as she is unmarried, broke and traveling but the truth is she has everything that she needs- Jesus.

Even though I’m living in a beautiful house, I am a beautiful house.

I am the beautiful car, I am the delicious food, I am a happily married couple.

I am everything that I could ever want.

That is wholeness…realizing you are enough and you are not lacking.

You might be divorced, without income, childless, unmarried, but you are not less than those with a happy family.

God died for you in whatever circumstance you’re in and he made you pure as snow, whole, not lacking. 

He filled every imperfection, discrepancy, every hole, every feeling of lack and said you are complete.

You are not complete when you have more, you are not complete when your bills are paid, you are not complete when you get married, you are not complete when your kids are grown, you are not complete when you’re disease free- you are complete and whole NOW because of the BLOOD OF JESUS.

The danger in accruing blessings is that we start to think our worth is based on what we have when the truth is our worth comes from the finished work of Jesus.

You are blessed when your parents disapprove or approve of you.

You are blessed when you are in need or not in need.

You are blessed with or without a husband/wife.

You are blessed whether you are in the greatest or worst shape of your life.

You are blessed whether you have debt or not.

You are blessed because of the blood of Jesus. In the Spirit al is finished. That is our true identity as Kings and Queens.

We need to see people for who they really are. We call and prophesy people into who they really are- not by taking pity.

Even if you never preach like TD Jakes- you are whole and enough.

Even if your ministry never becomes as big as Hillsong, you are enough.

Even if no one knows or recognizes you for your service to God and people,  you are enough.

Even if you don’t write a book, you are enough.

Even if you are a backstage person and the lime light never shines on you, you are enough.

Even if no church affirms or approves of what God put on the inside of you, you are enough.

God will use the unexpected people to show His power because it’s not by might or flesh, but by the power of the Spirit. So if you are young or old, you feel like a failure, you feel like your life has fallen apart and you feel ashamed of your past- know that God’s power is most mighty in the ones who have no power of their own, no ability of their own. We have to get back to being a child of God, being unable on our own, being fully reliant on Jesus our savior. 

Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you. 

Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world. 

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The Unfolding

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If you were reading my life story, you’d be like wow. This is what happened on my 31st birthday.

A few days ago, I was sitting at a food court and I prayed for a mom and son. I did not know how significant the prophetic vision for the son was until the mom shared about it in small group.

Well, how did I end up in the small group?

I was in Perth and I knew they lived there but I didn’t feel like I was supposed to contact her yet. 4 days in a hostel, the woman contacted me via facebook and told me they were having small group at her house and that I could stay with her. I had a whole week booked at the hostel, but only had 2 more days left.

I made a quick decision while sitting alone on my birthday. I thought to myself “what the heck am I doing, of course I want to be with other Christians on my birthday, of course I want a birthday cake”.

I think I was hesitant because I was afraid of what to expect. 

I had gone through years of being misunderstood by other Christians and on this trip, God had restored my hope in Christian friendships. I had met a lot of religious spirited Christians before and even on this trip. Before knowing my heart, they judged and rejected me. It was hurtful. They judged the form and not the love. 

But God was slowly rebuilding my hope and faith in the church (the body of Christ).

First he restored some old relationships, people who used to be conservative, but now understood the holy spirit.

Then he sent me to my spiritual land (South Africa) where I was celebrated by other brothers and sisters. I was honored, not disgrace.

Then through fundraising, He showed me that people believed in what God was doing through me and that I shouldn’t give up.

He is teaching me to be fearless.

He said this to me –

“It doesn’t matter what people think of you, because whatever accusations they throw at you- they are lies. You are righteous in my eyes and you have a heart of David. Not everyone will understand the anointing you carry or the path you are pioneering, but look to me. I am your covering, no one else. I am enough for you. I am your strong hand, I am your protector and your provider, I am with you always”. 

I mentioned some of the accusations people threw at me while following Jesus, I now realize I can throw them away for good and not let them bother me anymore. It’s crazy how powerful words are. It sticks with you for years and prevents you from seeing new relationships right.

Because God is doing a new thing and we can no longer let our perspective be tainted by the past. 

No more woundedness, walking out into the light.

I am crying thinking about all the pain I felt from being rejected and misunderstood for so long while clinging onto Jesus and following a path that was unpioneered. When you finally meet people who have been through it or people who admire you instead of judge you, it’s like a really bad wrong that has been righted by God. 

There is no one like Jesus.

I promise you that even though some people reject you, you are walking into a season where you will be celebrated- but you must be willing to expose your heart again. 

The fear of rejection and judgement is real. But God wants us to be so firm in our identity that we will not waver but be brave, be bold and go forth to conquer the land that is ours. 

It doesn’t matter who thinks what about you, the only thought that matters is God’s and His thoughts are love towards you.

You are worthy. You are worthy in God’s eyes. My love is real for you says the Lord. My heart burns for you. I died on the cross for you, I was thinking of you says the Lord.

Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you. 

Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world. 

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A Persevering Love

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A family I met in a cafe in Indonesia

I had a dream that I got married to someone God chose for me but I was doubtful that this man knew what I needed or wanted.

There are days where God tells me to pray for people but I withhold my heart because love can be tiring if you are not refueled by God.

Sometimes if we have the wrong view of God, in ministry, it’s easy to start seeing God as a tyrant.

“I am pushing your heart to come out of its cave and have no reserve, to live in the boldness of having an open heart”.

I can’t take it anymore, I have no more capacity to love – I tell God. I have no more boldness or capacity to talk to another stranger, to ask to pray for someone and risk them laughing at me or telling me no or looking at me like I am crazy.

As I write this I feel emotions welling up in my eyes as tears spring forth.

This is living with an open heart.

God is love and if we are to be more like God, God pushes our hearts to expand and to love in ways we cannot possibly love in our own flesh.

Because the truth is it’s all too easy to live l life in solitary confinement, but ministry for the last 7 months on the road, to almost 10 countries, living in 6-12 bed dorm rooms in close proximity to people have forced me to live with an open heart.

The music blasting from a club downstairs, a roommate that snores like guys fighting on the street, hearing the type of stories that make you feel like your heart is being poked out by a sword, it’s not easy to open your heart when you just want to be protected from the world, a world that is damaged, tired and worn out. 

After a few days, you have to cry.

Because you feel like your heart is being stretched like a rubber band and you start to feel numb. 

Today God kept telling me to pray for people and some I did, but I started getting really annoyed. I didn’t know what I was feeling but I said to God – “I feel unloved”.

I felt tired, worn out, exhausted.

There are times (like in the dream), I doubt whether God really knows what He is doing, especially with me.

But after taking a nap, I woke up and prayed for a guy whose leg was injured.

I also thought about how my roommate, when she started talking to someone on the phone with a friend, her face lit up….how we all are humans longing for love and when we feel unloved, we are unable to feel alive.

More than the things in the world, we long for human connection. We want to know that we are loved and appreciated.

And in that moment again I heard God say “you are enough, you are not lacking”.

Part of my thoughts also had to do with lack, feeling so stretched in having to trust God for the finances to go forward to every city. He often provides enough for this city, but then I usually don’t have the finances for the next city.

This kind of faith stretches me, this kind of life makes me trust on a level I never knew I could trust. 

But again His work is finished on the cross, and so I relax into His perfect plan.

Dear God- I won’t doubt you even though sometimes it’s hard to trust you. It’s scary at times, I feel that my heart can’t go on. I reckon this is what marriage looks like, this is what your love looks like. Your love is a love that never gives up. God fuel me right now with your love. I need to know that your love is enough for me and that your grace is sufficient for me. Without you, I cannot do nothing. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Your love is enough for me. In Jesus name. Amen.

Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you. Everyday I am ministering to and praying for people and sharing the love of Christ with them.

Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world. 

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The Only Anguish In My Heart

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Another Christian I met in Singapore hostel, we prayed for the country and sang to Jesus together.

The only anguish in my heart is for those that don’t know Jesus.

Today I found myself praying and crying to the Lord. God I pray that people will see the undying love of Christ and come to you.

It can be discouraging when you offer to pray for someone and they straight up say “no we don’t believe”.

Belief is a powerful thing. I sat there in the pool watching them as they silently sat reading their books. Though it seemed like a peaceful villa (I felt led to go there even though it wasn’t where I was staying but you are welcome to go and buy a drink), it seemed ominously quiet.

I thought about how sometimes when we don’t want interference, interruptions, noise, we are actually afraid to open our hearts to something new, maybe love, maybe an undying love named Jesus.

Sometimes we’d rather sit in brokenness than allow love to seep into our hearts. 

Sometimes we’d rather stay wounded than allow healing to occur.

Sometimes we’d rather run to distraction than allow ourselves to face the pain we’ve ignored for most of our lives. 

Even in the partying or celebrations our hearts could be broken.

So I sang out to Jesus- God bring them closer to your heart, bring them closer, bring them home.

The anguish in my heart is feeling like I’ve no control over how people react or how close they are to Jesus. I cannot force someone to see Jesus with their hearts, I cannot force someone to open their hearts.

Sometimes people are open and happy for some prayer, blessing and prophetic word about their life. Sometimes people wave their hand and say “no I don’t believe”. Sometimes they are so wounded they can’t see that true love exists, that betrayal sat too deeply in their memories to be forgiven.

I don’t feel rejected when they say no. I feel pain.

I feel pain that they are looking at the answer, but they are not willing to accept it. 

God has broken my heart for what breaks His. My only anguish is seeing a world full of people in despair and not seeing the One who can deliver them.

I am a drink offering being poured out everyday and I am praying everyday Lord bring them closer to you.

This night the Lord told me to knock on a young man’s door and pray for him. He is staying at the same hostel but in a private room. I wasn’t sure if it was his door but he opened. I said I was leaving tomorrow but that I wanted to pray for him and he said that he is not religious and turned away his face. I said, “okay, Jesus loves you”.

God break off the numbness in our hearts that prevent us from receiving your love. Your love is so amazing, it is wonderful, it is indescribable. You died on the cross for us and you thought of everyone of us. Your love captivates my heart. Your love is the only love worth living for. You healed my heart and I am longing for all people to know this love, this love that gives me rest and comfort. I pray this in Jesus name.

I am reminded of the story of Hosea. He married a harlot and the harlot, instead of wanting to be loved by one man,  went back to her old ways and lived a life of prostitution. Yet, Hosea waited for her. 

I am reminded that God waits for us and His love has no bounds. He continues to knock on our doors without asking for anything in return.

Thank you for those who have been ministry partners and have been sending me out in obedience to the Lord. I pray the Lord protect and bless you.

Consider sowing into the kingdom and into the hearts of people around the world. 

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Open Your Heart To Feel

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A rice paddy in Bali, Indonesia

Women are scared to reject men because they don’t want to be the cause of someone’s pain. To be the cause of someone’s pain makes you feel that you are not enough and you can’t possibly make everyone happy.

But essentially you are not God.

I meet lots of men and women that tire themselves out trying to be everything to everyone and I have tired myself out like that before.

You are not responsible for how others feel about themselves. 

Most people will not understand why you do what you do.

You will upset and hurt people for living your truth, they will not be able to understand why you chose to leave home or chose to be far away from them.

You cannot change yourself to make others feel better about themselves or to appease them to fill and cover insecurities they feel about themselves.

You can only live your truth.

You can only live out your truth.

And when we don’t, when we pretend to be something we are not- our hearts suffer from it.

We can’t love without risking it and we can’t love without experiencing pain.

What I mean is- you are no responsible for protecting peoples’ hearts, God is. He is also responsible for protecting your heart. 

We can’t live our lives being afraid of offending others, call it “politically correct” or socially acceptable. Jesus was offensive. He loved those who didn’t deserve love in society’s perspective.

The disciples wanted him to be around all the time but he disappeared to have alone time. 

You can’t right all wrongs. 

You can’t explain yourself to everyone, and you don’t need to.

The ones who usually need explanation are not those who want your help and want to understand- they just want to instigate and make you feel less than….

Their own insecurities causes them to question your confidence. 

Perhaps if they make you question yourself they’ll succeed in derailing you from your truth and insecure people love to have company.

I am not saying I am always confident but I’ve learned to follow the voice and heartbeat of God, I’ve also learned to listen to my heart and to trust my heart.

And to seek that quiet voice instead of all the noises that seek to distract me, and they do come, often.

The naysayers say “but over confidence in yourself is wrong” when in truth they are petrified to follow their heart because they are afraid of failure, humiliation, rejection, judgement and most of all- PAIN.

Because some people will avoid pain at all costs.

Pain, disappointment conveys to them “you’re not enough”, you’re a loser and not a winner.

But pain is part of life.

Pain is your heart aching for heaven on earth.

Paradise, never ending love.

It’s an echo, a cry for help “there must be more” says your heart.

There must be a love that is eternal, a love that never fails you nor forsakes you, a love that doesn’t cheat on you nor betrays you.

And that love came to earth to bear all our pain and imperfection- Jesus.

That’s why it says “cast all your cares on the Lord for he cares for you”.

And there is no such thing as failure because God desires honest more than feigned enthusiasm. He is a God that is more than able to handle our fragile hearts.

Sometimes things we don’t expect comes out of our mouths because we’ve suppressed our truth for too long, pretending to be a version of self that is acceptable to others, whether that is our friends or family.

People (strangers) confess things to me they’ll never tell their friends or family because the shame is too much to bear.

People will tell me about relationships they had with married man/woman, abuse, deep longings, relationship fails, parents, self-abuse, attempts at suicide, sleeping with prostitutes, etc….the shame is heavy to bear and so they unload to me.

And for some reason, I feel no need to judge as I am myself imperfect.

But that is love, a total embrace that is unconditional.

I’m currently in Bali and the air is inspiring me in all kinds of ways. I’m overcoming my fear of the scooter as 3 years ago I got into a moped accident. I’ve learned to let go a little and just have fun in the midst of ministering and praying for people.

Yesterday I was praying for a girl in the middle of the lake.

Now I think about it I could have baptized someone, that would have been cool. But I’ve learned to just take a chance, to not forebode what could happen, but simply trust myself and God.

The woman who I’ve become friends with at the local eatery said “thank you! I slept well last night after you prayed for me. I’ve taken your advice to get more rest”.

The prophetic word- I saw a shirt the other day – it said “think less, live more”.

There are times I’m petrified and anxious, God how are you going to do it? How will you provide? And then He comes in when I least expect it.

I’ve told many people my testimony at the hostel I’m staying at- people are SERIOUSLY bewildered when I tell them that I haven’t had a phone for weeks and that God always provides what I need, even if it’s a stranger helping me with a ride or carpooling with me. 

God always sends angels to help me. 

And with this I realize that I’m living in complete trust in the Lord. That He literally is taking care of me as a Father would.

I usually would have some fear going into a new country but I knew that I would carpool with someone. I asked 5-6 people if they were going to Ubud and I ended up in a car with an Australian couple. It was a divine assignment. During the 1 hour and a half I prayed and prophesied over them as I heard their stories.

Everyone has a story and sometimes it’s cruel, sometimes it’s painful. 

But God is making all things new.

He is healing every wound and every bad memory and He is restoring unto you all that you have lost.

A girl I prayed for at an ice cream shop

God does not want slaves to listen to orders, He wants friends that will partner with Him in restoring the earth and the hearts of people.

Sow into the kingdom-

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