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Taking a walk has become my new favorite hobby, it’s so enlightening.
Oh dear, what a week.
Ā I spent $1 in the last 2 days, pretty impressive.
Ā One night I really felt like dancing, so I called up a few friends and went out. We found FREE parking in Hollywood, I only spent $1 for tipping the bartender for water. It sounds pretty ridiculous, but this is my life now.
Ā You start to appreciate the small things though.
Ā Yesterday I was driving my roommate to the fashion show, we exited the wrong exit and suddenly I turned and saw this sign āDick Churchās Restaurantā. I froze and started laughing uncontrollably. Lauren started cracking up because she thought it was funny how funny I thought the whole ordeal was. We saw a really cute coffee shop and I pointed it out.
Ā āIf only we had moneyā- Lauren said.
I nodded.
āYah I shouldnāt be swiping my credit cardā- I said.
We nodded.
And then of course we started laughing.
āJesus give us free coffee!ā I cried out.
Ā When we got to the venue, the salon girl gave me a shot of expresso in a free coffee. Wow.
And then I got free subways because I was a designer. People think once youāre called āa designerā, youāre probably really loaded. Itās not true.
Ā I was so blessed yesterday, I even got a free swag bag with a black tank top I really needed. Sometimes I think, why am I still supporting two organizations when I canāt even pay for my own food. Iām not sure, but Iām trusting God to provide for something I canāt see yet.
Ā I had a dream the other night that I was in China and I had to go home on a train. However, it would cost $140 but I didnāt have the money. I freaked out.
Ā Another recollection of our life together:
Me driving.
Lauren and I were talking about being completely free from rent, living in a car perhaps.
āIt would be so great to be free, to just focus on loving peopleā- She said.
Ā āYah, I thought about buying a Volkswagen bus and road tripping. Itās a great place to sleepā ā I said. Plus I can just bring all my musical instruments with me! I can busk and do all sorts of things.
Ā āOkay, but what about just have physical stability. Where do you poop and kitchen wise?ā ā I asked.
Ā āOh yah, and where do we plug in our laptop?ā ā She said.
Ā āOh yah.ā
Ā āOh. Nevermind. Hahaā- she said.
I suppose it seems a bit pitiful the way weāre living, but Iām starting to appreciate it. It really motivates me to think creatively.
Ā āWhat can I sell to make some cash? Or what skills can I offer to make some cash?ā I askā¦
As long as I donāt have to sell my body, Iām willing to clean toilets and be a maid. I mean, at this point, you canāt really be proud. Itās sad that one time my friend said, āoh I didnāt think you would apply for a cafĆ© job because youāre too above itā. I donāt ever want to become like that. Thatās too pitifulā¦.to become someone who is too proud to do ālowlyā things. Thatās scary to me.
Ā You really lose the beauty and simplicities of life. If I sat around and had everything I wanted, I probably wouldnāt think outside the box. I donāt know whatās coming, but itās been a prolonged journey of working, trying really hard, and well, sometimes finding little results. Yet, I keep persevering, knowing the prize is thereā¦but also smelling the rose every moment, which is more important than attaining the prize. The prize is here.
The prize is having people to support you through it all.
Here goes another very deep blog entry. Be prepared!!!
As you know, I’m reading Life Entrepreneurs- I’m on chapter 3 “Discovering Core Identity”. I encourage EVERYONE to read this blog post because it may wake up a few on-lookers.
1. Having a Clear Sense of Who We AreĀ
“How can Ā we achieve such self-awareness? The process if one of ‘dis-covering,’ or removing the layers of sediment that obstruct our view- layers of ego, pride, ambition, and expectations that so often bury our own identity. It is a process that requires not only reflection but also action. Knowing oneself is usually an outcome of an iterative process of introspection, action, change, and reflection”. Setting out as a life entrepreneur means that you must have a clear sense of who you are.Ā
2. Digging Into the Past to Discover Future Revelation
“It may sound easy, but precious few of us mine the chapters of our personal story to inform and enrich our days. Most of us glance fleetingly at our history through a rearview mirror while charging into the future”.
The last couple of months of struggling and discovering have helped me to dig deeper into my past. Many of us live in denial. I know this, I lived in it for several years, only accidentally discovering wounds here and there, but never really facing them. It’s a lie to think that our past doesn’t affect our future. It does.
For example, my accomplishment driven self strove to become the best at everything in order to prove that I was worthy of love and acceptance. I was deprived of approval and thus, sought peoples’ approval. Then I realized that people who are empty themselves, have little love or acceptance to give themselves. A broken basket cannot give because all the eggs have fallen out. How did I know all this? I struggled through my experiences and gleaned new insights- I took time to analyze my response to the external, then meditated on my identity as God’s daughter. If I felt rejected, I heard God say “you are my daughter, I love you and have prepared a way for you”.
3. Self-actualization Above Physical Need (like money)
“…a musician must make music, an artist must paint, a writer must write if he/ she is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man or woman can be, he or she must be. This need we call self-actualization….”
“This speaks to why discovering our core identity is essential. Too many people lead a life that doesn’t cohere with their authentic essence. Too many see their true identity buried by external pressures, expectations, or circumstances, squashing their potential for authenticity and self- actualization”
I was thinking about this woman who goes to work everyday, 5 days a week and have little social life. What an existence to live! What is to be said the day she lies in her grave? She worked many hours in her life, she was a hard worker. I don’t know if I would want that to be said about me when I’m at the end of my life.
4. Coming Alive
“Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive”– Howard Thurman
Today’s ConclusionĀ
After coming back from Australia, I had many people come up to me and tell me “you are so lucky, I wish I could travel…if I only had the money!” Actually, most people can travel with enough planning and mostly, courage to risk a secure life. I tell them, “well, be prepared to be butt broke when you come back, otherwise, it’s so worth it!” Of course, that’s not very encouraging….
But going on a trip that changed my life – is far more worth it than my security. In fact, I freak out when my life is too consistent, it scares me. My biggest fear is consistency and routine. It makes me feel trapped. I’m glad that my sometimes lonesome and traumatic childhood removed me from normal life and caused me to reach deeper and reflect when the outside world was out partying. I found solitude comforting and learned to become a listener and observer. Being a listener helped me to listen to my heart, other peoples’ hearts, and love myself and others even more. I listened and found the spiritual world. I listened and saw the crying and the dying.Ā
Today I still listen, that’s why I like music so much. When I listen to music, I imagine each note being played, I am imagining the venue, the live band, people. Music creates an internal reality which is externalized by dancing. Living with intention means that we have to dig deeper into our hearts and find the wounds that have created our current reality. Then we must heal, we must confide in trustworthy friends, journal, struggle- and let our reality become a miracle.
Alishan, Taiwan
My Wall of Graffiti of Graffitis! I finished this yesterday and had so much fun staring at the wall. Most people will think it weird that I’m making wall art out of graffiti pictures while listening to Hawaiian music. I’m so alien. haha.
Here are some quotes to celebrate 11/11/11:
“The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination”- Carl Rogers
“It is much easier to walk along prescribed paths than to blaze our own trail”- Christopher Gerg
“It is in the quiet crucible of your personal private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born & God’s greatest gifts are given in compensation for what you’ve been through”- Wintley Phipps
I can attest to the last quote quite while, after July 29th, I stumbled through hills of uncertainty, not seeing, fumbling through the dark, wondering when I would get to my promised land. Little did I know that the promise land was “the now”, “the here” and “the who…whoever was in my life that moment”. After lots of wrestling with God, fighting opposition, and experiencing “the now” in Australia- I came back and went through another storm. This storm was the fear of not having enough.
Now I know that I had to battle every system that our society had built and socialized us to believe to “CREATE SOMETHING ALTOGETHER NEW”. I started meeting people and reading books that encouraged me to go on. I was forging a way, a new path that I’m still uncertain of. In the end, my new path was simply “LIVING OUT LOUD” and “FINDING FREEDOM TO BE MYSELF”- including work, life, the way I prioritize relationships in life. It’s continually learning and finding ways to challenge the norm, instead of accepting what is or what has been.Ā
It hasn’t been easy because this process meant weeding out all the preconceived values that was basically crap, and stripping myself naked to the things that were basic and human- the need for love and the need to feel alive, to feel like I’m living OUT LOUD.
I found that:
1. I miss music a hella LOADS. So I tried out to be a choir director- next week I’m trying out again. My love for singing is being renewed and the suffering I went through has brought new strength and beauty to my voice.
2. I love getting to know people.
3. I need to see nature, to be in sunlight, to feel the elements of life.
4. Creating is NOT an option, it is living to me. Living is creating a story, each moment you are creating something new. Being creative then is just who I am, I can’t suffocate who I am.
5. If you can be still and know your worth and identity in each moment of life, no storm can bring you down. You will find peace wherever you are, however much you have, whatever chaos surrounds you.
What is one preconceived value that you still hold onto even though it is crushing the essence of who you are? (comments are welcome)
We’re creating a new world and it starts from within.
I like to state my womanhood. I am a woman. I like to state it often because I embrace my womanhood.
They were, perfectly trimmed nails, manicured, perfectly waxed eyebrows, pssssttttt, seniorita, fake tanned, up-tities, gleaming lips with smack of lipgloss and perfect teeth with extra help. Fur lining their coat, fox, animal. Money blinging up and down from their toes, to their shoes, to their dresses, gleaming on their ears. Flash, choke, drown.
Drowning in luxury.
I was this ordinary woman sitting behind the booth watching as flocks and flocks of beautiful aged women walked in with their diamond rings and bags, swaying in their heels. Diamonds could not hide the wrinkles lining their eyes, their fingers, crispy and dried. I tried not to think about it, but suddenly my face froze and I zoned out.
“I can’t imagine being that woman when I’m 80 and I don’t want to be. If all our lives were…were about our outward appearance, and when I’m 70 I have perfect manicures, tattooed eyebrows, money to flood a nation….yet, no purpose, no meaning, no goals and passion…and all I did was get pedicures and have little lunch parties? and attend fundraisers (oh God bless fundraisers, without money we wouldn’t be able to fund many non-profits), but just in that moment, I zoned out and thought this…
I don’t want to be that, whatever that is.”
When I’m 70, I don’t want to spend money on all that. I want to have built orphanages with the money that could have gone to fox animal furs, diamonds, houses, rings…I want to have rescued kids from brothels, women from abuse, men from abuse…I want to have done something greater than just prove that ‘I made a lot of money in this lifetime’.
Later today, I bumped into several Hyatt hotel housekeepers. “I gotta go home now, and tomorrow I come again”- said this one cleaning person. I thought to myself, “to have the discipline and faithfulness to keep going even though you are doing mindless work…that is perseverance”. He helped me get my load off the elevator.
Suddenly, I was struck with a paradox. These well manicured, perfectly curled haired of a women would probably not raise a hand to help an ordinary woman unloading stuff off an elevator….but an ordinary, probably struggling housekeeper would find it easy to serve another human being. I was so struck with an epiphany, I almost zoned out again.
Having struggled for the past month, getting criticism about my choice of becoming a self-starter, shit from people I thought I trusted, eating ramen some days, denying my boba cravings, getting criticism from my buyers, etc….and just getting inundated with shit. I saw many things clearly.
It’s funny how we need to be drowned in dung, criticisms, hardships – to see life ever SO FREAKEN CLEARLY.Ā
I am so grateful for the hardships and tears I went through in the past month. So grateful. There were times I found myself doubting the inkling of my identity, times I cried while walking in downtown LA, calling a friend quick- “I’m in shit, can we talk?”.
Times I thought to myself, “what is the very purpose for which I’m created”.
Things have started to turn around, my 12 readers that do read my blog posts. Perseverance and prayers have paid off. Fate has claimed its way in my destiny. I’m victorious in my little, finding hope in the essence of love. I met people who reminded me of who I am…people who grabbed a hold of myĀ vulnerableĀ heart and whispered encouragement, spoke into it my deepest desires, and pushed me to get up even when blood was dripping out of my nose, my knees were wounded by rocks, back with layers of scabs, head almost insane from hunger and insanity, confusion at times. Some were close friends, some were new friends, but all were in tune with the desires of my soul. Rather than mock me for my insanity, which I am insane 99.9% of the time (1% of the time I’m sane when I listen to naysayers), they joined my insanity and became my risk-taking comrades.
We will destroy the system of conformity and complacency. We will form new beauty and create a society based on love, not profit. We will allow uniqueness to flourish and romance in the specialty of being an individual, yet conspire in being always together in our insanity. We will let the moment take us by the hand, feet with music, not by logic.
Because who said life was logical? In fact, some of the greatest history makers were insane in their own time.
Yes, if you didn’t know – you are reading a history makers’ blog.
It’s a big, huge, claim to make- maybe even a littleĀ narcissistic, but I’ve been through too much crap to give up making sense of this beautiful life. I claim what I claim because I know this is true.
What about you?
From the top of a hotel I stayed in Taiwan last year for a night. It was the best solid alone time I ever got.
Intuition told me this photo represents what I’m talking about- you can do the analyzing.
Great America. The Great American Dream. Haven’t you heard of it? It’s where people create their own futures, get great jobs,Ā have money so they can buy a house that they will spend the next 40 yearsĀ paying off,Ā or buy 3 too many cars.
It’s where the culture of accumulation and materialismĀ andĀ “not having enough” even though most of us are at a the top 1% of the world’sĀ most well off population. Great America. That is what we have come to.
Instead of great jobs, great entrepreneurs, many have succumb to endless hoursĀ sitting on our asses in a cubicle and office that has no windows, ventilation, or soul.
Do we really need to have “excessive wealth” as backup “just in case”? Just in caseĀ my leg falls off while I’m sitting on my ass…just in case, my wrist breaks while I’m typing 8 hours a day. Oh just in case, while I’m driving from work to home, home to work, almost 365Ā days per year, I crash into a pole because I’m so damn tired of the job, my mind goes blank when I drive. Do we really need the excessive wealth to buy our 20th pair of jeans that NO ONEĀ WILL SEE except our bosses, as if we care that our asses looked good while we sit on it 8 hours a day.
Or our Ferrari’s and Mercedez that cost us a year to save up for, only for ourĀ coworkers and bosses to look at. As if driving from home to work needs such an expensive car. Because we’re so depressed from being imprisoned for 40 plus hours a week,Ā on the weekends, we binge drink and waste the money we just earned, or we go compulsive shopping to fill upĀ our already spilling over wardrobe.
Having nothing much has really caused me to see that our excessive wealthĀ does not really lead us to happiness. So how come we still force ourselves to work at jobs we hate toĀ afford expensive meals, mortgage, expensive cars… when in fact, all we need is the essentials- people who love us.
I propose that NOT having enough is actually only a mentality of a mind. You can have a lot of money and still think you don’t have enough. Contentment is from within.
Pamela Slim in “Escape From Cubicle Nation” talks about Essential vs. Social Self. Essential being the natural self that you are when you’re born, social is that moment when you realize “smiling at the right time” makes your mom happy. Thus, we construct social self to basically MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY. These things are the very things that cause us to stay in a situation or job we hate- because we want to please people or not have them look down on us.
Friends I met in Sydney š
I’m almost done with a book called “The Art of Non-Conformity- Set Your Own Rules, Live the Life You Want and Change The World” by Chris Guillebeau. These are one of the many books I’ve been reading about living the “unconventional” and “abnormal life.
Amidst all my worries and angst, I was somehow able to find peace through reading this book. It’ll be okay, God will take care of me.
Then as I was driving home after eating with my cousin, I realized that all I really want to do with my life is to love people. Chris talked about what kind of legacy is it that you may want to leave, then live off of that. Perhaps I have my own baggage, my own issues, but I think loving people doesn’t come that hard to me. Of course, I’m not saying that I can stand everything about everyone, but I love meeting new people, I love building friendships with people. I’m a people person. People truly intrigue me. They are unique and special to me, each person.
I kind of had that epiphany and realized, “wow, the whole time I was getting sucked into the idea that I was living to survive, to make money, to pay bills….that is an outright lie. I’m here on EARTH to love people and to be loved, that is the sweetest and important thing of life”.
So perhaps, my life is in jeopardy in many peoples’ eyes, but without this jeopardy, I would not have arrived at this simple point.
Yes, November beckons a year of loving people and being romanced through life and experiences.
I just love meeting people and getting to know them. I like dancing with people, playing music with people, communicating with people, teaching people, being taught by people, and loving life with people. What is life- if you can’t live it with people?
Losing hope, waking up, tired and a bit sick.
Wondering, why I’m here, giving up, or wanting to.
It’s getting hard to wake up, my spirit is tired, and all I want to do is continue the torturous dreams that at least, has a mind of its own.
At this point, I really don’t care what I do.
I need to pay bills.
I know that probably every successful entrepreneur went through this, but I can’t help but express my disdain and “I’m so over this” phase.
Every passing day, I look for new opportunities, the right one never comes.
I know I’ve only been back for 2 weeks or so, but my bills are continuing to rack up.
I feel like I have no one to rely on and I’m getting tired of this bullshit rest.
I know I’ll get over this and I’ll find something, but we must acknowledge November 1 as the pivotal point in my artistry.
If there were no fear in you- what would you do, how would you live differently?
I decided to write a list, because, well I’m at those many cross roads in my life. Basically, I’m an artist and a bum. I’m taking slow and deliberate steps to analyze my steps, especially now that I don’t want to fall into “a normal lifestyle”. I don’t really mind being called a bum, because I’m starting a business…so though I am a bum, I’m also an entrepreneur. Sometimes you don’t have the motivation to start your own thang until you have nothing right?
1. I would jump off a cliff (just kidding)
2. Eat poison (just kidding)
3. I would fall in love without fear of it ending
4. I would get a loan to start my business – I really don’t believe in borrowing money
5. I would reach out to certain family members with more zest even though they may not deserve it
6. I would already get off my ass and plan my trip around the world- even though it seems impossible right now
The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.[a] And by him we cry, āAbba,[b] Father.ā
7. Start my own band and be the leader of it
What are your aspirations if fear didn’t exist? Start now.
How could I have given into the lie?
How could I have stopped playing and enjoying life?
I let go of my vision of enjoying life, and became a slave to profit and money, that which society calls security.
When I found myself in front of the keyboard, creating rhythm, singingā¦I knew that for more than a year, I had lost my vision for playing.
I could not have discovered my loss if I continued to work, to survive, to āthriveā in those peoplesā eyes.
I could not have discovered my first love, my first language again if I pushed myself to āachieveā and to be like everyone else.
It is ironic how we need to be completely stripped of all that society gave us to believe, is security, to find what really matters.
We need to be completely broke, unable to sum up rent. We need to sell our cars, eat ramen noodles, suffer the humiliation of being unable to pay for a drink.
All that society tells us, through commercials, through people- need to be dumped into the garbage.
I feel so free, so relaxed, so myself. I cry and laugh when I want to. Iām in tune with my soul, with my emotions, with my goals. Iām in tune when Iām with people, I donāt think about what Iām doing next, what my schedule is.
I feel completely comfortable in my own skin. I feel no remorse, no anxiety, my muscles are laid back and in place. Tension was my yester-year.
It was the end of July that I left my full time job. I rested for a month and bought a plane ticket to Australia. There, I experienced life to the overfull. I experienced joy, deep suffering, lost, laughter, reflection, peace, and lastly ābeingā. I experienced what it meant to be. To be aware of all that my life was, to care deeply for strangers I just met. I experienced something that I wish everyone could sense, gain with their souls.
I experienced the deep connection of sorrow, joy, lost, apprehension, goals- the likes of which connects us human beings. Though we came from different nations, our humanity linked us, bonded us.
Itās October 27, 2011. Halloween is coming. Thank you God for giving me freedom to be me, to pursue my dreams, to live a life of love that embraces pain and has no regrets. I feel a twinge of thankfulness, that I am overfilled, overflowing, that it took me one year to truly regain what I had lost, the disappointment that caused me to give up singing and being free.
Today, though I am unable to spend money freely, I feel more joy than I have ever felt. I donāt need many external luxuries to satisfy my soul, I already have a satisfied soul. I pray that I may never go back to where I came from, that I would live out of simply being.
Rebekka Lien 