Absent Father- God Adopted Me When My Father Left Us

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There are days where I slip into emotional darkness, for a minute I can feel the darkness.

But in that moment, God speaks to me. It breaks the darkness. All the lies go away.

These emotional darkness comes when I feel sad that my dad doesn’t talk to me. I start focusing on that, and I feel like I am lacking (he lives in Taiwan and I live in America, my parents divorced when I was 8 years old so I didn’t see him for 10 years and he doesn’t really talk to me. I fly to Taiwan to reach out to him. It’s for me, it’s not for him. It’s for me to heal, not necessarily for him. But the pain is real when I open up, and he doesn’t).

The lies that are attached to that are many- it’s my fault he doesn’t talk to me, I am not enough, I am less than, I need to do more.

The Lies- If I just do more, achieve more- people would see I’m worth loving, they would show love to me. If just look more beautiful, skinnier, they would notice me. If I just speak louder, they’d notice me. If I change who I am, they’d accept me.

I’ve tried everything before myself but realize that I was loved for who I wasn’t. It was never enough, it was exhausting. I realized I needed to just accept myself as I am in Christ, that He made me whole via the cross.

I was complaining to God, I feel like I don’t always want to be the one to ask people for donations, I want people to give without being asked.

Yesterday I was at a restaurant and felt led to sit at the bar and there was a handsome sushi chef. We talked a bit. He left for break, and I was wondering where he went. He came back once and then left again. I waited because I wanted to tell him he was handsome, but he didn’t come back. I felt foolish for being brave. 

But as I was explaining the scenario to my friend I suddenly realized that is how I feel with my dad. I am constantly brave. Last year the Lord told me to go to Taiwan, and I literally told my dad to pick me up from the airport the day before. I had been messaging him for 7 months with no reply. That’s when he finally responded. Yes, he would pick me up. 

Imagine, so messed up right?

But God I’m not brave anymore and I don’t want to be. It’s not fair. It’s unfair.

I get angry when people suggest that I reach out to him. I’ve been reaching out to him my whole life.

Don’t you think it’s a little unfair to push the responsibility on a kid? 

God I’ve gone around this mountain long enough and this is what you said.

“You’re not waiting for your dad to love you, you’ve always been enough, you’ve always had enough love. I have always been enough love for you.

The devil always makes you think you are lacking love, affection, but you actually have enough and you are enough.

If you look to people, it’ll never be enough. I am enough for you.”

Yes.

I am enough.

Humans can never give you the love that you need to feel like you are enough, but Jesus died on the cross for you to be enough. He took on every blemish on the cross to make you whole.

He says “you are my daughter, son. You are enough. Come to me and cast all your cares on me”. 

It’s not your fault they left. It’s not your fault that they betrayed you. It’s not your fault that they chose not to love you.

God told me to tell my dad how I felt so I did, was it easy? No. I just wrote him. Have no idea if he will read it.

If you grew up with an absent or abusive father, I pray the Lord heal your heart. Psalm 68:5 says, “Father of the fatherless and protector of widows, is God in his holy habitation.” 

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Healing The Father Wound

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Me in Hamburg, Germany

How long since I actually took a nap?

Since I lay down here, and just relaxed, and let go, and just be.

It’s been awhile. I felt strange, I got a headache.

I took a nap. I woke up feeling depressed and hungry. I was thinking about the mediocre Mac and cheese from Sprouts. I didn’t really have an appetite. I decided to call a friend after crying. I started weeping while telling her that I still felt a lot of sadness towards accepting that my dad will never be what I want him to be. My friend said it’s actually the same thing as grieving a death. But it’s worse because that person actually have a choice to reciprocate love.

My realization-

“God what I want is a relationship with my dad, and that’s one thing I want and I can’t have it. I pursue it, but nothing. I’m cut off. He’s unable to have an emotional connection”. He is an alcoholic. Instead of confronting, speaking up he turns to alcohol. He lives on the other side of the world in Taiwan.

My whole life I shut down my heart, I didn’t know how to address it. I would suddenly detach myself from people and want to be alone. I’d want alone time because it was safer to be alone than to be hurt by someone.

I’d have a huge desire for emotional intimacy. I’d meet someone I really like but then if I knew he wasn’t it, I’d disappear, they would also disappear. We’d knew how to cut each other out of our lives, but there was no acknowledgement, I didn’t know how to talk through it.

I attracted men who were emotionally and physically absent….men I could not be in relationships with, men who I met ten thousand miles away that I would need to say goodbye to when I had to get on another flight.

It was too hard to face the pain of a possible connection, then ending that connection.

I felt immense emotions, I loved the initial high. I loved the romance and sure I’d get sad when I had to leave to another city, but at least I was safe from intense pain. I was safe from connecting long term and disconnecting. 

I knew that none of them were my husband.

But that was my process. God had to heal me and it’s taken 31 years of my life. I was that little girl in a corner, playing by herself in kindergarten. I felt unwanted by my father. I felt abandoned and rejected.

This season God has been breaking open my heart and healing every wound…by bringing me to a place of vulnerability where I can open my heart up to people. These people are also going through the same thing. 

These are people who will love me for who I truly am.

And that means I am completely open and vulnerable with you too. Whoever you are. I am speaking to you.

It’s not easy to open your heart but it is the most fulfilling thing you’ll ever experience in your life. 

Nothing else matters, no house, no car, no material possession, no accomplishment…

You can win the Emmy’s and have no one to cry with.

I am so happy I have people to cry with, people who I can be completely honest with. I’m grateful I can tell them “when you did this, it hurt” and I’m grateful that I can admit that I’m scared, angry, lonely, sad to them.

I’m glad I can talk about Jesus and penises all in one conversation. I can be completely honest and not have to censor myself to one topic. It is merging our faith with our humanity that truly makes us human.

I’ve been trying to figure out the future, trying to do instead of be because I didn’t want to face the emotional pain in my heart.

It hurts that my dad has no capacity of being in relationship with me.

It hurts that I have to go back to Taiwan to even talk to him.

But thank you God for healing this pain in my heart. Thank you that I am moving forward, I’m facing the pain and understanding the patterns in my heart that prevents me from wanting to be vulnerable and honest with people.

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One of my best friends in Kindergarten

Now I’d like to be myself and know that people will not reject me. I have those people now. I won’t hide underneath the guise of people pleasing anymore because God has given me courage to speak my truth, even if others are offended by it. 

Sure, I was persecuted and I offended people when I was ministering on the road, but it’s given me the courage and strength to always speak my truth no matter what the reactions are. 

It is harder to speak your truth to people you are close to than strangers, because you face the risk of losing them.

But maybe those who can’t take the truth are not really your friends.

I kept thinking God what should I do…instead of facing my emotions. It’s easier to be busy than to be vulnerable with God (and people).

God that’s the only thing I want. I want to be naked emotionally and unashamed, like Adam and Eve before sin entered the world.

He has been preparing me for marriage and it’s HARD! REALLY HARD, this process is exposing me so much. But I’m ready, I’m so ready.

Marriage is not just about finding someone you love but being able to be emotionally vulnerable with our life partner. Are you speaking your truth to those around you now? Your friends and family? 

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A Letter To My Dad- Love Isn’t Afraid of Rejection

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“Hi Dad, I wanted to write you. I deleted line by accident when I came back and had no way to contact you. I often feel like we stop talking to each other when I come back to America, it’s like we don’t even know each other. It grieves my heart.

As much as I don’t want to feel like this, I feel like I’m often waiting for you to reply. In this way, I feel like I’m waiting for things to happen in my life. I try to make things happen as soon as possible but then God will tell me to let go of control. I’m angry that you don’t write me, it really makes me angry and sad.

I’m angry that you don’t tell me how you feel.

I know you are stressed out but because I want a relationship with you, I feel like I am trying as much as I can, but it’s always been a one way street.

Every time we get close, I leave and we no longer talk to each other. I feel like I’m back at square one.”

Today God had me approach a guy at the Korean spa. I was wondering where God wanted me to go and He told me to go to the sauna. He told me to eat with him but I didn’t want to. Later he came to comment on my food and I said I liked his hair. I said “do you want to sit with me?”

He said “no, I have a headache”.

I said “I can pray for you”, reaching out to touch his head. He said “no, it’s okay but you can pray for me from there”.

Later on, I saw him sitting near me so God told me “go sit with him” (I fought God for a few minutes) and I brought my food over, sitting right in front of him. I said “I heard God say ‘love isn’t afraid of rejection'”.

He frowned and said “Then don’t be afraid. I really want to be alone” and moved to a table far from mine.

Later on, I approached him even though I really wanted to run. I mean it’s embarrassing to be rejected right? By a stranger?

I said “I’m sorry I crossed your boundaries but you seemed like a cool person. God bless you”. He said “it’s okay”.

I felt sad that I had the answer to heal his headache and to give him a word from God but He was not willing to receive it. I’m pretty sure he was gay too, so he probably had been rejected by a lot of people in his lifetime.

God said to me “look at all those people eating alone, afraid to let people into their hearts”.

Love isn’t afraid of rejection. It will reach out and be rejected, but it will keep trying. After that I felt really tired and felt mad that God made me do that so I knocked out for about 2-3 hours to my surprise. I heard him say “let go of control”.

I cannot control if my dad will ever contact me again. The one time he actually replied in 7 months (of messaging him) was when I said “tomorrow I’m landing at 9am, make sure to pick me up”.

He said he was stressed and busy with life. 

Priorities.

What do you prioritize? Do you prioritize your work, money, ministry or the people you value in your life? Do you prioritize yourself, your well being?

Sometimes we think we need to be alone, but actually that’s a disguise for not letting people in. And we need to be loved to survive and thrive in this world. I used to feel burdened by people because I was unable to voice my opinions and needs in a relationship but I’m starting to see that those who are willing to listen and not be offended are true friends. 

I let people step on me in my earlier life and when I finally voiced my opinions it backfired. Apparently, they only liked me when I fit their description and expectation of who I should be. 

I can’t rush to change people. I can’t rush to restore everything in one day. I lost a lot in the last few years, things I’m trying to recover but God showed me when it’s time, He will do it. He led me to speak at an open mic without my knowledge, He gave me a new friend via instagram, He brought me to a concert to minister to the youth.

I have to trust God’s timing and not rush it. God I’ll let go of control. Are you willing to?

Rejection isn’t a sign of YOUR WORTH. Rejection is simply a process of life. You will be rejected by jobs, opportunities, people, but you will need to stand on the firm foundation of Jesus and know that you are ACCEPTED AND LOVED BY GOD. 

Love isn’t afraid of rejection. I heard God say “I am not afraid of rejection”.

This morning God also told me to give and then ask for donations so I did. However, everyone said no except the one girl I donated to and she sowed some money back to me as the Lord asked me to ask her to do. When I did that I realized that fear of men left me. The last few days I started to fear people’s opinions for some reason. I was telling someone about Jesus and her face contorted, as in she was offended.

It was on the uber ride home that I met an ex-jehovah witness who gave me $10, which is a lot considering the ride was $14. I was really surprised because most people said no but he actually gave. 

You never know who will say yes and today’s lesson is that you cannot be afraid of rejection. You cannot be afraid of what people think. 

I don’t take “no’s” personally anymore but I know that sometimes giving and receiving is a sign of an open heart and today Peter had an open heart. His mother passed away 10 years ago. And he gave $10. Wow. I just realized that. 

God may you heal his heart and open his heart to your love.

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Healing The Father Wound

I tried submitting this to a secular website but apparently writing anything about God is considered offensive, so I’m glad I have my own blog.

I’m learning more about what I want from a relationship with my life partner. I learned that a lot of my past relationships were formed out of brokenness in my heart. I was looking for attention, for validation. I needed and wanted someone to validate me- to tell me I am worthy of love.

But I realize a relationship that is based out of your relationship with Jesus, has no lack.

I don’t mean that is it perfect, no; I mean that there’s no need for codependency – which is what a lot of my past relationships looked like.

The guy had mommy issues and I had daddy issues. I was looking for a dad and he was looking for a mom.

A mom gives rides to boys, a mom cooks for their son, a mom comforts their son; I am not looking for a son, I’m looking for a man.

I also didn’t have the financial security of growing up with a father. In fact, I started working when I was 8 years old selling toys after school. I had an entrepreneurial spirit and knew how to make and save money. I soon only found self worth in finance and accomplishments. I also got a lot of attention from men so it was easy to be misled thinking attention was love.

From the age of 8 to 18 I didn’t see my dad. My family immigrated to America from Taiwan when I was 8. I completely lost contact with my dad except for the few times my mother asked me to email my dad for rent money.

When I was 12 years I received Jesus into my heart and found an incredible sacrificial love. This God who loved me could die for me? I wept in my chair at a church retreat. I could feel the tangible love of God in my heart.

But now only at the age of 31 am I feeling the fulfillment of all the healing that took place in my life.

I was really fucked up. Honestly.

I didn’t deserve to be there, that’s how I felt.

God started to show me who I am.

He told me that I am a child of God and that He died on the cross for me so I could attain a position as His daughter. He would never leave nor forsake me. I could handle that. That’s a promise I was willing to receive.

Since everyone had failed and forsaken me, I was willing to trust Him.

Almost 20 years later, I have never seen God fail me. Sure I lost a lot of friends and seen my lifetime of heart aches and heart breaks but He would always whisper, “I’m here, I’m here with you”.

Recently I had to set some boundaries with a guy I knew wasn’t quite it. I loved the companionship and the moments we had together, but I also knew that I wanted more. I don’t want someone I met for a week who doesn’t have the same calling and purpose in life. I want someone who hears God and obeys with me.

I want someone who can grow with me, follow the Spirit with me, not slow me down. I hate goodbyes but I often find myself saying hello and goodbye over and over again.

I’m ready to meet my lifetime partner. I know He won’t be Jesus. I know that we will fight and argue at times. I know he won’t fulfill all my hearts’ desires, but I know he isn’t supposed to.

But I know what I want now. I know what I deserve. I know I deserve the best, not an emotional or physically absent man. I know I deserve a man who will rock with me, go places with me, be by my side. I don’t want a man who I met overseas and does not have the same purpose in life. I don’t want an addition, I want a partner. I don’t want us to have contrasting careers, I want us to change and travel the world together. I want us to compliment in our purpose and destiny.

I want an emotionally, spiritually and physically present man.

It’s possible. Do you believe?

I believe. I hope you will walk this journey with me. Let’s believe together. Let’s not settle for less. Let’s believe for the best because we deserve it.

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My father 

My father for most of my life remained a mysterious, absent entity. It has been a difficult, rocky road to recover my relationship with him. It has been filled with heartache, bitterness, anger and resentment. I’ve learned from past relationships that I needed badly to heal my relationship with my dad or else I was not going to have a healthy relationship with my significant half. I also realized that my heart had problems trusting God’s heart for me because my earthly father had not been there for me.

I had a Heavenly Father, spirit God who guided me. 

Today I’m proud to say I’ve gotten to know my dad more and it’s shown me what kind of God God is. When you learn that God is a good father who wants everything for you and hand picks things that you love in your life….

You learn to trust God. 

And then you have faith that can move mountains because you know that with God all things are possible. 

Even though I had to initiate a lot of reconciliation in my life, I’m healed for it…I hungered for wholeness, and with wholeness my heart is filled with love. 

Is it worth it? Yes. 

Forgiveness is everything, letting go of my pride to forgive…lets just say my heart is softer, I don’t have a wall around it anymore; I don’t have to fend and defend myself as I used to as a kid.    

  
Recovering everything I didn’t have as a child. Learning to be a kid again, learning to receive, learning to let my guard down. 
For God is for you and not against you. His plans are to prosper you in every way. If you didn’t grow up with your father, know that there is a Father who loves and wants to protect you. 

You are worthy and enough in His eyes. 

Look at the birds of the air…they do not sow or reap or store away in barns


Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? matthew 6:26

Since August 1, I’ve been unemployed, voluntarily. I went backpacking for a month and spent all 9 months of my savings to experience once in a life time experiences. I then came back, inspired by my travels, began dreaming again. I started the jewelry business and continued selling on Ebay.

But for the last 4 months, I’ve been happily, living off miracles. Day by day.

Some people frown down upon my lifestyle. They think that I should get a full time job, not knowing my creative and entrepreneurial being. I’ve been living off of faith, knowing that I have a father who provides. It’s a spiritual being whom maybe not everyone believes in. However, it’s just SUPER amazing how father has provided.

I don’t believe in debt, because of my experience of watching people suffer in debt, paying off mortgages, credit card, school loans- I decided in high school that I would NEVER go in debt. As I started to watch my credit card balance increase, fear set in. How was I going to pay for my monthly balance, how was I going to pay rent.

Birds don’t store or save. They don’t have a savings account or even health insurance. I’ve become a bird- free from societal expectations. I’m not irresponsible like some people claim that I am. (This really pisses me off by the way).

Last month, a miracle happened, this month another, miracles keep happening.

Last month, I had a bill of about 571 dollars. Because I had vowed always to pay bills on time, I cut all my unnecessary spending. I didn’t buy coffee, snacks, or anything extraneous for one month. I probably spent $20 a week for groceries, I never ate out. Yet, Father provided the little things to put a smile on my face. For some reason, free things popped up everywhere.

The week before the bill was due, I made $30 or so bucks selling my clothes, I made money on Ebay, found $25 in coins, and miraculously, the day before it was due, I sold $50 in jewelry. I didn’t even try to promote my jewelry, by simply wearing the rings, I was promoting and of course- I always had products on hand.

No I don’t have health insurance or a savings account, I kind of live month to month. I haven’t worked under a full time boss for 4 months, I’m probably the happiest person alive. Call me crazy, but I’m starting to really love being surprised and being provided for.