Love Is What You Are.

abstract-art-color-887349

I wasn’t going to write but my back started itching and it started itching behind knees too. My body is very reactive when I try to block emotions or something I really need to or want to do. Sometimes it’s the “I don’t want to deal with it right now” in me that blocks creativity because creativity is, well confronting and emotional. But you never know what will come.

This morning I had a revelation:

“You will not be defined by your career, work, your friends, your parents, your history, your accolades, your accomplishments, your house, your car, your clothes, your makeup, your speech….you will be defined as love“. 

Love is what you are. 

When you are love, you don’t have to force yourself to serve to show love or be loved, you are love.

You do things out of love because you are pure and untainted love. Thus, you will also choose not to do things that you don’t love or that causes your heart to weep.

There is no guilt or shame, just love.

So then why do we struggle?

We struggle because we do not accept that God loves us unconditionally – because we have been taught by society and perhaps our parents that “love is earned“.

If you don’t clean your room, you won’t get to eat.

If you are not a good girl, mommy won’t give you stickers or toys.

There always seems to be a condition to love and love seems like a business transaction if you grew up that way. A trade, that is what love seems to be in our world. 

There must be a better way- unconditional love.

That seems impossible, not impossible if you accept unconditional love from God. If you continue to receive this love, your heart will expand and cause you to love in impossible ways. 

I have forgiven myself when all I wanted to do was continue punishing myself.

I have forgiven people that hurt and wounded me in deep ways.

These were impossible things to me, but God opened my heart.

He has continued to show me that His love is unconditional, unending, restful and beautiful. 

If we look at Jesus, He wasn’t defined by people. He wouldn’t even allow people to label Him or force Him to be something He wasn’t because it was not His time yet-  “Then Jesus, realizing that they were about to come and make Him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by Himself.” John 6:15.

He walked the earth as love. Knowing who He was, He didn’t need people to applaud Him or tell Him who He was, He knew who He was. He didn’t need people to like Him, in fact He was rejected by most and He continued to love even the haters.

That is radical love.

Love is what you are. 

You need not prove yourself, defend yourself, force yourself. You are love, that is what you are. 

In a world of self-promotion, don’t you think living as pure love will naturally attract the right people?

When we serve to be loved or to love, we are acting out of lack and a half empty cup. 

But when we know that we are love, we live out of abundance and an overflowing cup. 

Advertisements

A New Day: My Story of Broken to Healed

16806932_10158261262160603_2673080599550527613_n

Less than 3 years ago I was sitting in a hostel in Barcelona in a bunkbed.

I had a dream that I was to quit real estate, like not actively participate in it anymore. I had just carried a duffel across western Europe and little did I know how much that experience would change my life. It was also on that bed that I first saw Toure Roberts speak via youtube. Up until then my relationship with God was outside of institutions because well I had let go of a really closed minded institution. I grew up going to church and I didn’t realize how legalistic most churches were until I finally left 6 plus years ago.

And I saw God like I never saw Him before. Gracious, fatherly, loving, generous, slow to anger, quick to love, quick to extend a hand. 

Then like a snake, I shed everything. I shed my career, I shed my relationship, I shed some friendships, I shed my apartment, I shed my prized super comfy sofa that I really loved, I shed almost everything, the forks and plates.

I had built my life on a lie, that I wasn’t enough. 

And God would speak into those insecurities and continue to speak “you are enough right here and right now” in the next days, next year, and so forth.

I learned to love myself in the darkest places of my heart. I learned to be okay with emotions, you know the ugly ones…emotions like “Hey you hurt me” or “hey that hurt, I mind that you said that”. I learned to VALUE my voice. 

Because even now when I tell people what I’m going through they quickly remark “you are victorious” instead of being there with me in the pain. I have learned that not many people are comfortable with facing their place of pain. Reading “No More Faking Fine” has taught me to lament, to struggle with God in the pain, to be okay not being okay.  

And obviously we all hate it when people complain too much or dwell on their pain 24 hours, we hate it…yah, that’s another issue, but some of us, like me, never learned to lament.

In the months and year of feeling like “nothing was happening” God was actually healing me and replacing the lie of “I’m not enough” to “I belong, I am enough. I am loved and accepted right here and right now”. 

And in doing so, I no longer needed the attention of people…of men, or the desire to need to be wanted or chased by potential partners. I no longer needed acceptance from people. And yah, I still have insecurities here and there but I feel different, I feel at peace with who I am now. 

No longer chasing things, opportunities, friends, potential friends, potential mates…I sunk deeper into God’s unconditional love for me. 

I would no longer be defined by my accomplishments and accolades but by the tiny and still voice of “enough” and “love”.

I found God’s love to be deeply captivating, deeply protective, silently powerful. 

The breakthrough is here. The breakthrough is you. The breakthrough is YOU knowing who you really truly are.

True Connection to Riches

“When you are inspired by a great purpose, everything will begin to work for you. Inspiration comes from moving back in-spirit and connecting to the seven faces of intention. When you feel inspired, what appeared to be risky becomes a path you feel compelled to follow. The risks are gone because you are following your bliss, which is the truth within you. This is really love working in harmony with your intention. Essentially, if you do not feel love, you do not feel the truth, and your truth is all wrapped up in your connection to Spirit. This is why inspiration is such an important part of the fulfillment of your intention to live a life on purpose.”- Wayne Dyer

I am an artist.

It is more than a job, it is a calling. It was predestined. We are all artists in some way.

I am disturbed when people talk about getting a job to survive, I used to think that way too. I used to put bills first and passion, vision, purpose second.

I am not a survivor, I am a thriver.

I don’t merely want to survive and live a get by life, I want to live a thriving life. I made a choice to GO ALL IN, no backup plan. Let that backup plan be God. Artists are prophets. If you create in anyway you are an artist. Artists have thoughts, ideas, blabbering in their mind and they put them out into the world. They mirror the creator. Growing up I had some people comment in surprise that I believe in God as though believing in God is an ignorant thing to do and also that I was too cool a person to believe in God. I’m an artist, I create shit. Why wouldn’t I believe in God. God created things. 

You know you are “inspired” or in- spirit when you have these flow of ideas and thoughts and you can’t seem to SHUT THEM UP. Like this morning I woke up to do my numero 2, and then I couldn’t go back to sleep because suddenly this thought “I am an artist….it is more than a job, it is a calling”….okay, go to sleep, but then my mind wouldn’t shut up, it was like God speaking to my mind in paragraph format and it was so detailed that I had to just turn on my computer and write it down. 

“And public speaking was not a risk; it was something I had to do because I knew that I could not feel happy with myself if I did not follow my heart. The universe handled the details, because I was feeling love for what I was doing, and consequently, I was living my truth. By teaching love, that very same love guided me to my purpose, and the financial remuneration flowed to me with that same energy of love. I couldn’t see how it worked out, but I followed an inner knowing and never regretted it.“- Wayne Dyer

A lot of people ask me this question “but how do you pay the bills as a freelancer or artist?” I find that hilarious because I’ve managed to sell most of my big belongings and live virtually very free from bills. For example I haven’t had a sim card for a year and a half, I use a google number and it also keeps me from getting distracted from living in peace. I seem to have everything I need and more all the time.

And when I feel “lack” it usually comes from believing a lie that I am not enough, that I need to supplement my being by having more clothes, makeup, things. 

Living in grace means my relationship and being with God comes first, my connection to God is my connection to provision.

He guides and leads me to places, opportunities, resources, money, things..and I don’t have to fret.

It’s like if someone asked “but how am I going to feed myself?” when her dad is standing right next to her with a consistent flow of sushi, tuna tar tar, pasta, steak, smoothies, etc. You get the idea. I’d be pretty offended if I was the dad. But most of us work out asses off in our non-inspired human way while “dad” is standing there with everything you can ever want or need and we refuse to accept his help. 

Pride? Possibly.

So that’s where Trust comes in. Belief. Believing that He is for you and not against you. Then, listening, intently, staying close to the heart of God.

I’ve been led to impossible, miraculous things and talk to people that some would be afraid to talk to…and sometimes yah I have to get over my own fear, but I remember I am safe in God’s protection.

xoxo BEX

my art: https://society6.com/shoprl/prints

 

5 Unconventional Steps To Creating Your Business- Don’t Compare Yourself

Hey Friends!

It has been a few days since I last blogged. As you know, I am busy creating new projects and new ventures. In less than 3 weeks, I will be on a plane to Taiwan. I’ll be there to find my half brother who I have never meet as well as grow my clothing business. I am looking for people who believe in my vision and who has a few bucks to spare! Here’s the link: http://www.whenyouwish.com/project/taiwanbrother 

Here is my vision for the future: run for local office, become a public figure, speak internationally, change the world by telling my story! Here’s my timeline of what was, what is and to come:

Image

Now, on to my 3rd step to creating your business- don’t compare yourself! 

Yes, it’s okay to analyze other peoples’ business, and to even imitate a few aspects of their business, but listen to your own heart…don’t compare! Just because another business is thriving now and yours isn’t doesn’t meant that you should give up. Growing up, I heard a lot of discouragements from my elders.

“Do you want to end up like us?….we followed our dreams and look at us now!”

I always wondered whether they were right. Yet, I realize….they just gave up TOO SOON. If dreams were easily reached, everyone would be living their dreams. I think that anything worth fighting for is going to be difficult at times, but worth it. 

So now that you have a vision, faith, and you are not comparing yourself but believing firmly in your own vision of what you want…you are truly growing your tree.

Mine looks like this, you can create yours by drawing a tree with your growing array of skills, talents and passions.

Image

5 Unconventional Steps To Creating Your Business- Have Faith

Image

Without Faith It is impossible to do what you want with your life. You ask, what is this mumbo jumbo? Faith is belief. Do you believe in yourself? Do you have belief in something greater? Do you have belief that your business is viable?

I had a dream last night that I had won a $5,000 scholarship to achieve my dreams. In the dream I kept showing people a collage board I created, “LOOK GUYS! This is the exact amount I needed!” There were pictures of cars.

It reminded me of all the scholarships I won when I was about to attend college. I challenged God “If you want me to go to fashion school, then provide the funds”. Ever since then, I have had this mentality. If I have enough faith to move the universe, then I have what it takes to become a successful business woman. Of course, instead of hanging out at lunch, I was always running into the career center and applying for scholarships. I applied to over 50 scholarships, and was able to write my way through college.

One summer, I did not have enough to pay for college the next year. I was stumped. I wrote down the possibilities- work in the summer or go overseas for volunteer work. One day, while waiting for the bus, I received a call from a foundation I had applied for the previous year. She told me that she wanted to award me a scholarship because I was a runner up the previous year. She said that instead of looking for new applicants, she would just award me the scholarship for this year. I was so blown away, I just stood there in shock. Looks like God really does exist. I don’t think anything in my life is a coincidence and I have much more stories like this to prove my point.

Another time, when I was first starting my unconventional, non-business plan, let’s see where this goes business with a big vision, I was short on rent. I was short by $400 as of that day. I was praying and heard “someone will give you money”. I was surprised and wondered who. That day, my friend and I went to a cafe down the street from silverlake, the barista loved my ring and wanted to buy more. I drove back home and got my whole case of jewelry.

I was nervous that day, and extremely stressed…

Right there, at the cafe I sold $100 worth of jewelry to the baristas and cafe workers. I mentally reduced the $100 from my rent. I needed $300 more. I continued to have faith even though I had no idea how I was going to make $300.

That afternoon, I went to my friend’s house to get my eyebrows done. She does a fabulous job of plucking my eyebrows. She gave me a christmas card. I did not think anything of it. I just continued to have faith in my heart. When I was driving off, I opened the envelope and out dropped $300. In the note, she had written that she had actually been blessed by a car accident and received money from the incidence. She wrote that since it was God’s money, that she would bless me with it since she knew I had been struggling with my business.

Yah, you guessed it, I started balling.

I have not experienced miracles this intense, especially when I felt like my life was at stake (or the roof over my head). Sometimes you just don’t see miracles until you put yourself on the line.

Mind you, I did not tell my friend about how I was lacking this amount for rent. I did not even tell her about my rent situation that day. She gave me the exact amount that I needed.

You can call it a coincidence or you can call it divine contribution.

Call it what you may, but you need to dream big and do big things first, before seeing any evidence that it will succeed. Sometimes, we need to move the universe, God with our dreams and the universe will be delighted to provide what we have had faith for. If you have a vision, nothing can stop you…even the small stress balls that get thrown your way. 

Wealth Comes From The Heart

Wealth comes from the heart. 

Somehow I have been given this unique gift of sensing the heart…I have found that wealth comes from the heart.

Counterfeit wealth is veiled with splendor, bling, things that look wealthy, but comes from the spirit of poverty.

In the eyes of a young woman, sitting and eating my tacos, I saw a homeless person with his bike, in his own world. Half crazy, yet half happy, content in his reality. Then I saw families, buying tacos, happy and content. I went to a beautiful house and saw that wealth hardens people, and that there was poverty in both poor and wealthy. Even though everything was shiny on the outside, new, replicas of ancient furnitures, I could sense a spirit of poverty. This ever seeking of “not enough”, I am not so sure of. My deeper philosophical mind wants to ponder this disparity, yet I could only start to count my blessings.

I could only start to appreciate the way I grew up, I could only start to appreciate all the hardships I have gone through, working full time while going to school to pay off tuition, selling makeup under school desks, jewelry in trunks, I could only start to appreciate the little things. I could only start to appreciate the beautiful nights dancing away my simple life, the days backpacking and snorkeling in exotic parts of the world, adding up the bills I had to pay and wondering where the money would come from, not knowing how I would survive, but still having that faith that could throw a mountain into an ocean…I could only appreciate my simple creativity and zest for life. I could only appreciate having the wisdom to understand any persons, from 0 to 100, being able to relate on any level, listening and appreciating the human story of pain and joy.

Sometimes I feel cursed that I can read someone so well, with just one conversation.  I can feel their misery, their secret story of “not enough”, their constant strivings, their secret joys, their dreams…maybe someday they think…I hear these stories softly being spoken with nonverbal glances. Seek and you will find, I say. True treasures lie in your heart. 

And I continue, writing my heart out, so I can share the wealth that is within me.

ImageI

 

I had a dream the other day about going to someone’s house. I interpreted I was not letting my true self out, that I was suffocating. It’s okay to come out and let the world know who you really are. Where is your house? Where is your heart?

Insane Woman, Turned History Maker

I like to state my womanhood. I am a woman. I like to state it often because I embrace my womanhood.

They were, perfectly trimmed nails, manicured, perfectly waxed eyebrows, pssssttttt, seniorita, fake tanned, up-tities, gleaming lips with smack of lipgloss and perfect teeth with extra help. Fur lining their coat, fox, animal. Money blinging up and down from their toes, to their shoes, to their dresses, gleaming on their ears. Flash, choke, drown.

Drowning in luxury.

I was this ordinary woman sitting behind the booth watching as flocks and flocks of beautiful aged women walked in with their diamond rings and bags, swaying in their heels. Diamonds could not hide the wrinkles lining their eyes, their fingers, crispy and dried. I tried not to think about it, but suddenly my face froze and I zoned out.

“I can’t imagine being that woman when I’m 80 and I don’t want to be. If all our lives were…were about our outward appearance, and when I’m 70 I have perfect manicures, tattooed eyebrows, money to flood a nation….yet, no purpose, no meaning, no goals and passion…and all I did was get pedicures and have little lunch parties? and attend fundraisers (oh God bless fundraisers, without money we wouldn’t be able to fund many non-profits), but just in that moment, I zoned out and thought this…

I don’t want to be that, whatever that is.”

When I’m 70, I don’t want to spend money on all that. I want to have built orphanages with the money that could have gone to fox animal furs, diamonds, houses, rings…I want to have rescued kids from brothels, women from abuse, men from abuse…I want to have done something greater than just prove that ‘I made a lot of money in this lifetime’.

Later today, I bumped into several Hyatt hotel housekeepers. “I gotta go home now, and tomorrow I come again”- said this one cleaning person. I thought to myself, “to have the discipline and faithfulness to keep going even though you are doing mindless work…that is perseverance”. He helped me get my load off the elevator.

Suddenly, I was struck with a paradox. These well manicured, perfectly curled haired of a women would probably not raise a hand to help an ordinary woman unloading stuff off an elevator….but an ordinary, probably struggling housekeeper would find it easy to serve another human being. I was so struck with an epiphany, I almost zoned out again.

Having struggled for the past month, getting criticism about my choice of becoming a self-starter, shit from people I thought I trusted, eating ramen some days, denying my boba cravings, getting criticism from my buyers, etc….and just getting inundated with shit. I saw many things clearly.

It’s funny how we need to be drowned in dung, criticisms, hardships – to see life ever SO FREAKEN CLEARLY. 

I am so grateful for the hardships and tears I went through in the past month. So grateful. There were times I found myself doubting the inkling of my identity, times I cried while walking in downtown LA, calling a friend quick- “I’m in shit, can we talk?”.

Times I thought to myself, “what is the very purpose for which I’m created”.

Things have started to turn around, my 12 readers that do read my blog posts. Perseverance and prayers have paid off. Fate has claimed its way in my destiny. I’m victorious in my little, finding hope in the essence of love. I met people who reminded me of who I am…people who grabbed a hold of my vulnerable heart and whispered encouragement, spoke into it my deepest desires, and pushed me to get up even when blood was dripping out of my nose, my knees were wounded by rocks, back with layers of scabs, head almost insane from hunger and insanity, confusion at times. Some were close friends, some were new friends, but all were in tune with the desires of my soul. Rather than mock me for my insanity, which I am insane 99.9% of the time (1% of the time I’m sane when I listen to naysayers), they joined my insanity and became my risk-taking comrades.

We will destroy the system of conformity and complacency. We will form new beauty and create a society based on love, not profit. We will allow uniqueness to flourish and romance in the specialty of being an individual, yet conspire in being always together in our insanity. We will let the moment take us by the hand, feet with music, not by logic.

Because who said life was logical? In fact, some of the greatest history makers were insane in their own time.

Yes, if you didn’t know – you are reading a history makers’ blog.

It’s a big, huge, claim to make- maybe even a little narcissistic, but I’ve been through too much crap to give up making sense of this beautiful life. I claim what I claim because I know this is true.

What about you?

From the top of a hotel I stayed in Taiwan last year for a night. It was the best solid alone time I ever got.

Intuition told me this photo represents what I’m talking about- you can do the analyzing.