Tag: love

Love Was Not A Safe Word

On By Rebekka LienIn travel, Uncategorized

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Palm springs

Okay peeps, shit is going to get real in this post. Read this if you need to clarify some relationships with family, friends, non-friends, frenemies, boyfriend, girlfriend, wives, husbands, etc. I’m not a psychologist but I have lived an intense life and have also coached people about their lives.

Growing up in a single mother Asian household, I realized something….love was not a safe word. I never felt safe because love was basically obeying your parent, doing what they say, and trusting they are right. And as you know many parents, or most or all are not perfect, so when they give you sound wisdom about how you should eat your chicken, you either obey or your question their way of eating chicken. 

Because her life seemed stressful enough, I bore the burdens of a parent, of being one. I put my own emotional needs aside to handle the stress of being home and to listen to the needs of my parent.

Consequences– I became a people pleaser and believed that I needed to help others before myself. The training of the institutional church did not help either. So I suffocated my own problems. NOW I also LOVED being alone because I found that most people wanted to control my life so I found it much easier to be alone with my own thoughts. I also felt that everyone was a smaller version of my mom so I often escaped to find my personal freedom. I was able to finally find people who would allow me to be myself, however because most people are not aware enough to dig up the reasons behind their behavior, I often have to draw a line between those relationships.

I’m glad that I did enough soul searching and reading to actually realize all this and CHANGE! Because I can’t imagine what a shitty life I’d have if I had continue being a people pleaser.

Going on vacation with my mom kind of clarified why I was the way I was…

Here are some things people use in relationships.

  1. Manipulation- “If you do this, I’ll pay more attention to you, I’ll give you more love”

“I’m providing for you, you better be grateful”

“Ten years ago, you fucked up my car…so you will pay for it by my punishing you in various ways”

Truth is if it was really unconditional love….you give love without expecting anything back, you give according to your perimeters, you don’t use it to manipulate that person’s love for you.

Consequences of long term manipulation- 

Manipulator- has no idea what BOUNDARIES mean and expect others to live their lives for him or her. He or she is a tyrant in life and is often disappointed, probably will end up with no friends because their rules are impossible to live by.

Manipulated one- has no idea what FREEDOM looks like in their personal and public life, does not know how to make choices on their own, always thinks others know better. He or she is always a victim who does not take personal responsibility for their lives….because the choice to submit to a manipulator is a choice. 

2. Control- Control is probably the creepiest one, because a lot of times we don’t see it until we get physically sick from it. 

“Go wash the dishes now, go fix my car now, call me now, where are you? Who are you with? You have to do this and this and this, if you don’t it shows you have no love for me”

“Because you didn’t DO THIS ONE THING for me, you hate me, you don’t love me”. By threatening with control, that person is able to control what you do for them.

Truth is if it was really unconditional love…..you’d give people freedom to be whoever THE FUCK they want to be and to do whatever they want to. Now if you want to suggest how you feel loved (5 love languages), then tell them, do not threaten them with by “withdrawing love”. How I experienced that in my life? My parent never ever said sorry and when we fought, this is what happened….silence for 3-4 days, yep, and not looking at me, like I was some non-person.

Consequences of control- 

  1. Controller- Needs to know what is going on all the time. If someone does not respond to their text when they want, often freaks out and then accuses the person of negligence. Often does not enjoy life, cannot enjoy life, probably doesn’t drink (joking), has fear that they are out of control.
  1. Controlled- Fear of doing wrong in private and public life. Often needs to ask for permission to do something, creatively suppressed, cannot find the courage to draw outside the lines.

Now, finding freedom from these issues can be difficult but know that God’s love is powerful enough for you to break free. Consciousness is worth having to live a free life.

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Thousand Palms

If you need a meter for which you know your personal boundaries are being crossed….

  1. If you have physical aches, usually that is a sign of discomfort, boundaries being crossed.
  2. Discomfort emotionally, from 1-10 how uncomfortable do you feel
  3. If you feel emotions of fear or intimidation

What to do when these things happen: 

  1. Take time away from the person to access the relationship, to give your heart space to breathe and feel
  2. Say “no” or create verbal boundaries such as “I do not feel that way”, “no thank you”
  3. Find a way to create physical boundaries

And if it gets unhealthy, please find a way to stay away from the person. You must put yourself first.

The Devil Wants To Shut Me Down

On By Rebekka LienIn dream, faith, food, God, law of attraction, lifecoach, lifehack, love, poetry

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The devil wants to shut me down, I love how he uses strangers and people who don’t even know me. My words are power, by my words I am justified.

My words are the expression of my life, I’ve always written, ever since I was young. In some governments and society freedom of speech is prohibited. In religious institutions where the spirit of control reigns, speech is limited and oppressed. 

Writers, Artists are oppressed, shunned, excommunicated. 

Words are powerful. And that is why I will continue to write whatever the fuck I want. 

Because I am a shocking person, I am an outcast who loves the outcast. I am a revolutionist who loves to shock people with my life. 

Tell me what to write when you have put your life on the line for love. Tell me what to write when you have lived as fearlessly as I have. Tell me what to write when you have trudged the forests on your own, survived death and back, tell me what to write when you have put your heart on the line for God.

I will not back down for the life of me.

My words are my heartbeats, my words are an expression of the blood running through me. I am a shock to society. I am younger than most, wiser than most, older than some, but with a hundred thousand lifetimes.

I am a spirit and a soul that no one has ever seen before. I have got all the saints and angels, prophets and leaders who have gone before me cheering me on. Believe me, you cannot control the words that God speaks through me. 

So I will write WHATEVER the fuck I want. 

Even if it offends you.

 

 

Love is here and now

On By Rebekka LienIn God, law of attraction, love, therapy, writer

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I am here, now and with you.

God is not in the distance, God is here with you, I am right here. I am not when you get the new car or find a new friend or relationship, I am here and now.

I found myself holding my breath and walking fast, I want to get home so I can relax. I hear “I am here within you”. GOD is with me, wherever and whenever, I dont have to wait to get somewhere else to access His presence. When we get anxious we forget that God is in control of our problems, we are not alone.

GOD IS NOT INTERESTED IN ONLY SOLVING OUR PROBLEMS, He desires a relationship where we can vent to,talk to and reason with Him…where we can be emotionally vulnerable. God is not interested in human strength, in fact he says “in your weakness I am made strong” or I would say “in my weakness God’s strength comes through the more”. That is why he loves when we come asking for help, he loves our confusion, he loves the tears as we finally come to the end of ourselves and to the beginning of God miracles.

 

The Myth of Not Being Enough

On By Rebekka LienIn dream, faith, Uncategorized

You are enough, for God. But usually not for humans. If you were purely living in grace, you are enough. Now, when you’re a kid, you get to play, and you’re allowed to be goofy. As you grow up, you gradually notice that you are rewarded for “being good” to your parents. You know, being obedient. Then, you are applauded for accomplishing things like getting A’s, being president of some volunteer organization or club at school, writing a good essay for your college, getting into a good college, dating the right kind of person that your friends approve of, looking nice, losing weight, the list seems to go on.

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That’s me just playing, because I wanted to, because I was curious, because I was interested, not because I was being forced to.

As you get older, you are applauded for getting the right kind of job with the right salary, you are congratulated for having a kid, getting married, maybe staying at a few luxury resorts….you get applauded for trying, but not really for failing. Or for living at home with your parents when you are 30…definitely not applauded for still being single and doing odd jobs and freelancing….you definitely are not applauded for “being” because “being” seems lazy, seems well, lazy times two.

Your whole life after 3 years old, or whatever age you stopped playing because your parents wanted you to “succeed”, is a whole list of doing, trying, accomplishing, checking off lists. It’s a tiring rat race.

After I became self-employed, I had to release the idea of trying. I hustled really hard. And even that wasn’t freedom, it was slavery to the whole system of striving. When I finally gave into what I call grace, allowing God to open the right doors, I still struggle with it at times…but now I’m more sensitive to it.

The spirit of striving is like this spirit that sits on your shoulder and tells you “YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH = DO MORE!” 

Do you ever notice that when you want attention and love from people, you rarely get it? You seem desperate and people can smell it? But when you’re content and filled with love, people love to bother you. It’s because that is BEING. The God void in your heart isn’t supposed to come from people, they can’t fill your every need. It’s supposed to come from within, a divine Godly love.

And when you are filled with DIVINE LOVE, people are attracted to real unconditional, spirit filled love. A desperate need for love comes from fear, fear of not being enough. Fear that you need peoples’ approval. 

Yesterday my mom was like “if only you had studied something else”. I’m like, “you want a happy daughter or a miserable one?” And Helen Fisher had really helped me discover my personality, I got 97% explorer, which just means I don’t like being controlled and I love excitement and variety…….paired with builder is a no no because they tend to be too structured and have a need for stability. Which makes a lot of sense because in my past relationships the guy didn’t even have a passport. And here I am literally itching to go to 100 more countries.

SO rest into what I call divine grace.

And if you don’t understand what that means, ask. And you shall receive the answer as I am slowly learning. It’s a lifestyle, it’s a divine now.

You are enough. Stop doing and start soaking in the love that fills you to the overflow. 

“And if by grace, then it cannot be based on works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace.”- Romans 11:6

Drama Rama

On By Rebekka LienIn coach, dream, entrepreneur, forgiveness, God, law of attraction, love, Uncategorized2 Comments

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Movenpick Cebu.

I’m sitting at Shangri-La and I’ve never had so much drama in my life.

I can’t go into detail but I’ve been having many dreams. In all of this, this experience of being in Cebu, filming a tv show,,,,and well losing my phone, oh I meant this strange evil person robbed me and took my phone from my pocket, going to the police and all that,

Here’s some things I’ve learned: 

  1. Material things fade. Money can’t buy you worth.
  2. People are fickle. People change constantly and are rather good at hiding their true emotions. We live in a society filled with fear of being authentic and truthful to our spirit. 
  3. There is always a blessing in disguise, the blessing sometimes may be a lesson that is sprouting within your spirit, and not a dollar amount.
  4. Choose yourself. Choose what feels good and right in your spirit. People will persuade you to be their friend when misery calls for you to entertain, but you must stand strong.
  5. Stories are knit in our minds based on our past experience of disgrace. We must learn to disassociate ourselves from our false selves and even our memories of who we are and how we relate to other people.
  6. A secret is not worth keeping because it can destroy your soul.
  7. There is no black and white, because people’s emotions are colorful.
  8. There can be hope and love in the world if we learn to break our walls down and show vulnerability.
  9. We live in a society based on competition but how God created us is to work together for our social well being, there is no love when people are isolated. People must come together to communicate their truth.
  10. Forgiveness and letting go- 1st importance.
  11. As much as people tell me to stop being so trusting, I continue to see the best in people because God continues to do that for me, so I will continue to forgive because I know I am not perfect. 

PS-

We must choose to let go and forgive daily.
It is a daily exercise of love for our souls.
We can become cold and hard hearted because of what happens to us in life, but our choice to forgive isn’t for other people, it’s for ourselves. The truth is our ego is our worse enemy, it chooses to neglect what we truly need, which is love.
But ego loves pride, loves to think we are better than other people.
By doing so, we isolate ourselves and choose not to help others. …Thus, we no longer have the ability to receive love as our hearts have closed off to help.

XOXO, BEX

My Love Relationship With Food

On By Rebekka LienIn food, Uncategorized3 Comments

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I confess I’m obsessed with good food.
It’s uncanny, strange. Today I called ban mi to ask when they open, it was 6:30am, I was jet lagged but I had been dreaming about a real bowl of pho since Paris. I’ll be in la for a week and I’ve already lined up my list of must eats. I must have pho, I must have tacos, I must have hot pot. When I eat a good bowl of soup after a month of deprivation, I start to thank God for the day I was born, I thank my mom for giving birth to me, I thank the noodles, the beef, the ingredients, I thank the hands that prepared it and I thank God for being alive.

I start to tear up, I make weird noises.

My relationship with food is unusual. I’m a bitch when I’m hungry, fears loom larger and I lash out faster. When I full with good food I’m nice Rebekka, I’m loving. I can tell you I had the most dramatic fights when I didn’t eat with my ex.

I am like the happiest person when I eat what I love. Sometimes I’m super healthy and eat salads, but sometimes I eat magnum ice creams and Cheetos.

I’ll just smile more when I have ice cream.
I also don’t believe in depriving yourself or dieting, I think if you are feeling good you should eat what you want, you won’t go overboard when you feel good about who you are.

The only reason people go overboard is when they are not dealing with the emotions inside.

I never say “tomorrow I’ll fast because I ate too much today”. Even if it’s thanksgiving I’ll eat until I’m full, I don’t go overboard now because I don’t like that feeling….food should be euphoric, not a punishment. I’ll save the left overs and eat it while watching my favorite Netflix show.
Why not, it’s happiness.

I’m so thankful for food, and especially the fact that I was raised with a mother who knows how to make good food and appreciate good food.
I’m Taiwanese so we enjoyed the best of the world’s food….

I had to finish all my food at the table so sometimes I’d sit there for an hour because I had bad teeth. Also my mom would finish before me and leave the table.

Somehow I’ve learned to see food as a pastime, a hobby, because I knew I had to otherwise it would seem like a punishment. So I ate slow. I learned to cherish it.

I also learned to enjoy food alone, my favorite pastimes is going out to eat by myself. I enjoy focusing on the flavors instead of talking to people. When I eat with other people I often talk too much and can’t enjoy the true flavors of the food. And they often finish before I do, then I feel rushed.

I have several favorites:
1. Enjoying a day at the Korean spa then eating Korean food, tofu pot to be exact. It’s the most nourishing day, my body feels relaxed and the food nourishes my being.
2. Sitting at a cafe for hours and just drinking coffee. Sometimes people watching.
3. Tacos and horchata is the perfect combo
4. Tuna tartare
5. Mojitos and margaritas
6. Dark ales and fries or anything fried
7. Sushi, fish eggs, sashimi, scallops
8. Rich chocolate cakes, ice creams, magnum ice creams, truffles, Lindt truffles

My dislikes:
1. Waiters asking if I’m okay ten thousand times or taking my food before I’m done. This has happened many times because I’m a slow eater and sometimes the last bite looks small but I’m literally still eating.
2. I don’t dislike steak but I’m not a huge meat eater because I chew really slow and then I get tired.
3. Surprisingly I don’t think macaroons are that good, they’re quite dry for me.

I believe good food isn’t about eating “healthy” per say, because I’ve met the most unhappy and unfulfilled “healthy” eating people. They are a drag to be around. Asian culture believe food is the center of soul and heart, it’s about love and family, friendship and nourishment. A good soup is slow cooked for days and it is cooked with love and heart. A salad isn’t healthy if it doesn’t make you happy.

I Believe food should make you smile, it should make you happy.

It should have rich flavors at times to celebrate your inner health, but lightness at times too. It should have an expression of who you want to be.

Food is that way to me, it heals my heart when I’m feeling hopeless in life, it gives me more energy and zest to take on my dreams.
It is refreshment to my heart.
Food marks my times of triumph, my times of process, my transitions, my celebrations, my times of unknowing and even fears, it consoles me and speaks to me….like eating beach side with my friend in Hawaii, talking about boys, like making friends with the sushi chef at my favorite sushi spot, like watching the rain as I drink coffee and journal, like remembering intimate conversations with my friend at our Korean spot, like hot pot with my Taiwanese friend, like eating with my mom….

Food is my expression and conversation of love, it’s how I express gratitude for life, every time I eat I feel gratitude for the life it gives me, the energy to keep going in my dreams, it builds relationships in my life and it is a commonality I have with people when I mention food types…and a glow spark in their eyes, “you too? You love ramen too?” A wide smile spreading across our faces, like the feeling of remembering a long lost best friend or a favorite experience in our life.

Fast friendships have formed in my life because of food. I’ll always feel gratitude for the depth of love food makes my heart feel.

If I Had Listened To the Naysayers…

On By Rebekka LienIn entrepreneur, solo travel, UncategorizedLeave a comment

If I had listened to the lies, I wouldn’t have believed that all things were possible.

I found a list of things I wrote- 5 star hotels, free travel, free hotels….and this day, I can say all those things are happening. Yes, and I get to do things I love, creative projects I am proud of. What changed for me?

I believed. 

When you pray, God does not expect you to pay. That is actually what grace means, it means it is not something you work for. Of course, you prepare yourself by being always excellent with your word (read the 4 laws of agreement (I think that’s what the book is called). This is more about being a good steward of what you’ve been given, in effect, being totally GRATEFUL for everything you have already been given – shelter, food, love, family, friends. How can God give you more when you grumble about the things He has already given you? 

Throughout the 5 years since I’ve been self employed, I’ve had to erase some beliefs I had about myself- things like “I’m worthless, I can’t, I don’t have enough money to, I’m not pretty enough”. God adjusted my worth level internally.

Once I started to let go of disappointments, bitterness, thoughts of unbelief and lack, things started happening. I also had to let go of the hustle. 

I let go of things that felt forced, like I was striving, things that pulled me down, drained me of energy, had little return in joy or investment. I let go of regrets, what I could have or should have done, I let go of the past. 

God told me to let go of the little gigs, you know the little opportunities that was not worth my time, the ones that paid little or had little exposure, you know, the ones that people think will forever give them a big break.

I let go of LITTLE THINKING people. Negative people are energy drainers. People who talked crap about me, who didn’t see my vision and said that I was just playing, just fooling around, being a bum traveling- I also refused to meet with them, because I knew they would drain my dreams.

I learned to think of abundance, I said “I am rich, I am beautiful, I am the daughter of the Great I am”. I changed my words, I no longer spoke in “I can’t, but, that’s impossible”. I no longer complained, I knew that every word I spoke was creating my world and it says “by your words you are justified”. 

I aligned myself with people believed in the truth, not “reality”, which is always just a manifestation of the past.

I forgave. I released relationships that no longer thrived. And I believed that I was worthy to receive the good God has for me. Thank you Jesus.

rebekka3

 

2016 Love Blog

On By Rebekka LienIn Love blogLeave a comment

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OK, I’m starting a new segment and this one is called the love blog, so if you search categories on my blog search “love blog” for all the relationship related blog posts.

I just got out of dinner with my aunt and uncle.

And well, they told me how they met, basically it was an arranged marriage. Now their 3 kids are also married with kids. I was like omg (to the arranged marriage part).

Here’s a picture of my aunt on her wedding day. She did not look happy.   
Anyways, she went on this whole rant about how I should not have really high standards but I shouldn’t have really low ones either to which I reply, “I’m not at all worried, I just haven’t met the right person and it’s not like I have to marry 10 guys…geez”. Plus I believe if it is the right time, God will bring the right person into my life. Like the whole concept of when you’re happy being single, the right person will come along.

Let’s just say her rant got me kind of annoyed so I said goodbye and came back to write this blog post. Because she was kind of implying that if you are old then you have less chances of finding a mate…which I replied, “what’s the point of marrying just because you are old..like for what?” Basically you’re day old pie that nobody wants, is what she’s implying.

I straight up said “whoever marries me is lucky as fuck”. Minus the fuck part, because I don’t know how to cuss in Mandarin.

Because I just have standards and I only need one man, not a million. So yes, I’m an amazing and awesome woman and I don’t need to stoop down to appease societal standards of when I should marry.

So there’s your first love blog post. Enjoy!

Moral of the story- don’t give into societal standards just because you’re the last one in the family to get hitched. You have to know your own worth. 

I think she was just jealous that I had a choice to pick.

Why I’m Done Backpacking 

On By Rebekka LienIn travel4 Comments

I am not done traveling, no way -I still have 175 countries to go. But I’m done with the backpackers lifestyle. I will still travel solo with a backpack, but as for sharing a room with 10 people? I think I’m done. 

Why? 

1. I’m a clean freak. I know, I have issues with stepping on floors that aren’t clean and need to either have socks on or have carpet. Concrete with dirt freaks me out. 

2. I’m a clean freak #2- at hostels if you’re paying $3 a night, and sharing bathrooms with 10 people, you usually won’t have 5 star hotel standards. I’m tired of smelling other people’s shit. 

3. Having stayed at 5 star hotels in Southeast Asia, I can say I much prefer a quiet room with cable and a big bed to myself versus hearing people snore or rude people blasting music at 11pm.

4. I’m done getting drunk- maybe I’ve really hit the old age mark, but I’m done getting hit on by lonely backpackers…and I am a woman now, I don’t need attention from men,  I know what I want in my potential spouse…and it’s definitely not a man who gets drunk every night. 

5. I’ve become more introverted and prefer to spend my time with either positive people or myself. 

That means I won’t compromise my values just to be with people. 

6. I love to dance and I’m social but again, I have standards now…and if it’s not with like minded people, I’d rather choose other activities. 

7. I’m a nomad not because I always love to be on the move, but because I like variety and challenge. Most people don’t like change, but when there’s not enough change or what I call growth in life- I get restless. So the last 3 months I’ve gotten to see the world, and I’ll be reconnecting with family and friends for a few more months, but I’d like to be stationed near the beach in LA.

  
I’d like to create like I used to, alone under a table, in a fantasy world. Where my heart is calm and not constantly responding to the needs of hungry souls. 

I’m a quiet soul. 

Calm soul. There’s lots of joy in here but I prefer quiet. I prefer ocean waves and hot coco to beligerent drunkenness without class. 

  

I’m a lady with a sense of humor who loves order in my closet, cleanliness in my dishes, quiet and dark at night, passion in my relationships, privacy, oh privacy in my life. 

That means living in a quiet town with deep conversations and wine, lager and laughter with 3-5 friends instead of 20 people. I cherish intimacy and loyalty, not superficiality. 

I spent 5 nights at a hotel while I was healing from my moped accident and that was the most peaceful time I had in 3 months. 

I was alone and I probably said 30 words max a day. “Can I order the soto ayam?” Yes room service.

I think I was always an introvert with a sensitive soul, but people liked me so much they made me an extrovert. 

But now even if people like me, I realize I don’t have to like them or even respond to their friendliness….not to be mean, but just to guard my heart from their over- dependency on others. 

So if you’ve seen the 5 star life I think I can live that life, a life that is luxurious, private and where people will treat me like a human being instead of asking me “where are you from?” 

That’s none of your business. 

Just call me miss and I’ll converse if I feel like it.  

Side note/ I have met amazing friends through staying at hostels or guest houses. That I am grateful for. Just in case you’re wondering I spent half my trip living alone in a private room.  

Food and Tinder

On By Rebekka LienIn entrepreneur, UncategorizedLeave a comment

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Today I wrote on this Girls Who Travel group-

“I got hungry and downloaded Tinder again”.

I was maybe metaphorically craving some companionship and also I was really hungry, like my stomach was hungry.

This lady I knew wrote something about – “are you serious right now?” as if a feminist would not like free food. She took me seriously. Which I had to roll on the floor and laugh.

A bunch of other girls agreed with me and said why not.

It was a joke. That I thought people would find funny, but I guess the angry feminists were not laughing.

After scrolling through, I only found one picture attractive, it was Jesus and KFC man. No attractive men for me. And just FYI feminist lady, I wouldn’t go out with anyone I didn’t think was a potential for a real date…I wouldn’t go if you paid me. I would never use a man for a meal, geez, I rather eat ramen and watch netflix by myself- Lord have MERCY!

I would not subject myself to an hour of boredom with a man I thought was uninteresting. 

But in case you are wondering, I do find generous men attractive and yes, if he made more income, I think the man would want to pay for my meal and yes, I’m okay with it. I’m grateful and happy and I would say thank you. 

That does not make me less of an equal human being, that would make me a grateful and thankful one, it would not make me less than because I don’t need anyone to say I’m less than or more of anything. I just am.

She also made a good point “didn’t you write an ebook on how to make money doing what you love? and living your dreams? So this isn’t consistent with your brand”

Um. Did you read my ebook?

I’m all about asking for help. In fact, you cannot be self sufficient as an entrepreneur. Haven’t you seen people ask investors for help to build a company? I’m thankful for all the free meals, free accommodations, free help I’ve gotten as an entrepreneur. You cannot be an entrepreneur if you don’t ask for help.

In fact, when I was self employed I asked my mom for help to pay rent twice. I’ve stayed with friends for 5 months, I’ve crashed couches, I’ve asked for free shit in exchange for social media exposure…..

So no, maybe I’m not a feminist if it means I have to not ask for help. Maybe I’m just human and you know what I’m more than grateful for the gifts of God, of humans, of nature, of plants that grow and become my food, of animals, of technology. All of these, I did not strive for, it was all gifts. 

And by the way, I am living my dreams. I am in Singapore right now, traveling the world because I am always relying on God, on people for help.