Okay peeps, shit is going to get real in this post. Read this if you need to clarify some relationships with family, friends, non-friends, frenemies, boyfriend, girlfriend, wives, husbands, etc. I’m not a psychologist but I have lived an intense life and have also coached people about their lives.
Growing up in a single mother Asian household, I realized something….love was not a safe word. I never felt safe because love was basically obeying your parent, doing what they say, and trusting they are right. And as you know many parents, or most or all are not perfect, so when they give you sound wisdom about how you should eat your chicken, you either obey or your question their way of eating chicken.
Because her life seemed stressful enough, I bore the burdens of a parent, of being one. I put my own emotional needs aside to handle the stress of being home and to listen to the needs of my parent.
Consequences– I became a people pleaser and believed that I needed to help others before myself. The training of the institutional church did not help either. So I suffocated my own problems. NOW I also LOVED being alone because I found that most people wanted to control my life so I found it much easier to be alone with my own thoughts. I also felt that everyone was a smaller version of my mom so I often escaped to find my personal freedom. I was able to finally find people who would allow me to be myself, however because most people are not aware enough to dig up the reasons behind their behavior, I often have to draw a line between those relationships.
I’m glad that I did enough soul searching and reading to actually realize all this and CHANGE! Because I can’t imagine what a shitty life I’d have if I had continue being a people pleaser.
Going on vacation with my mom kind of clarified why I was the way I was…
Here are some things people use in relationships.
- Manipulation- “If you do this, I’ll pay more attention to you, I’ll give you more love”
“I’m providing for you, you better be grateful”
“Ten years ago, you fucked up my car…so you will pay for it by my punishing you in various ways”
Truth is if it was really unconditional love….you give love without expecting anything back, you give according to your perimeters, you don’t use it to manipulate that person’s love for you.
Consequences of long term manipulation-
Manipulator- has no idea what BOUNDARIES mean and expect others to live their lives for him or her. He or she is a tyrant in life and is often disappointed, probably will end up with no friends because their rules are impossible to live by.
Manipulated one- has no idea what FREEDOM looks like in their personal and public life, does not know how to make choices on their own, always thinks others know better. He or she is always a victim who does not take personal responsibility for their lives….because the choice to submit to a manipulator is a choice.
2. Control- Control is probably the creepiest one, because a lot of times we don’t see it until we get physically sick from it.
“Go wash the dishes now, go fix my car now, call me now, where are you? Who are you with? You have to do this and this and this, if you don’t it shows you have no love for me”
“Because you didn’t DO THIS ONE THING for me, you hate me, you don’t love me”. By threatening with control, that person is able to control what you do for them.
Truth is if it was really unconditional love…..you’d give people freedom to be whoever THE FUCK they want to be and to do whatever they want to. Now if you want to suggest how you feel loved (5 love languages), then tell them, do not threaten them with by “withdrawing love”. How I experienced that in my life? My parent never ever said sorry and when we fought, this is what happened….silence for 3-4 days, yep, and not looking at me, like I was some non-person.
Consequences of control-
- Controller- Needs to know what is going on all the time. If someone does not respond to their text when they want, often freaks out and then accuses the person of negligence. Often does not enjoy life, cannot enjoy life, probably doesn’t drink (joking), has fear that they are out of control.
- Controlled- Fear of doing wrong in private and public life. Often needs to ask for permission to do something, creatively suppressed, cannot find the courage to draw outside the lines.
Now, finding freedom from these issues can be difficult but know that God’s love is powerful enough for you to break free. Consciousness is worth having to live a free life.
If you need a meter for which you know your personal boundaries are being crossed….
- If you have physical aches, usually that is a sign of discomfort, boundaries being crossed.
- Discomfort emotionally, from 1-10 how uncomfortable do you feel
- If you feel emotions of fear or intimidation
What to do when these things happen:
- Take time away from the person to access the relationship, to give your heart space to breathe and feel
- Say “no” or create verbal boundaries such as “I do not feel that way”, “no thank you”
- Find a way to create physical boundaries
And if it gets unhealthy, please find a way to stay away from the person. You must put yourself first.