Sitting here, watching the cars driving fast
Lights bright and blaring
Humming busy
Exhaustion, trying to read but unable to quiet my distraction filled mind
Maybe I’m just supposed to sit here and do nothing for once
Tag: life
Look at the birds of the air…they do not sow or reap or store away in barns
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? matthew 6:26
Since August 1, I’ve been unemployed, voluntarily. I went backpacking for a month and spent all 9 months of my savings to experience once in a life time experiences. I then came back, inspired by my travels, began dreaming again. I started the jewelry business and continued selling on Ebay.
But for the last 4 months, I’ve been happily, living off miracles. Day by day.
Some people frown down upon my lifestyle. They think that I should get a full time job, not knowing my creative and entrepreneurial being. I’ve been living off of faith, knowing that I have a father who provides. It’s a spiritual being whom maybe not everyone believes in. However, it’s just SUPER amazing how father has provided.
I don’t believe in debt, because of my experience of watching people suffer in debt, paying off mortgages, credit card, school loans- I decided in high school that I would NEVER go in debt. As I started to watch my credit card balance increase, fear set in. How was I going to pay for my monthly balance, how was I going to pay rent.
Birds don’t store or save. They don’t have a savings account or even health insurance. I’ve become a bird- free from societal expectations. I’m not irresponsible like some people claim that I am. (This really pisses me off by the way).
Last month, a miracle happened, this month another, miracles keep happening.
Last month, I had a bill of about 571 dollars. Because I had vowed always to pay bills on time, I cut all my unnecessary spending. I didn’t buy coffee, snacks, or anything extraneous for one month. I probably spent $20 a week for groceries, I never ate out. Yet, Father provided the little things to put a smile on my face. For some reason, free things popped up everywhere.
The week before the bill was due, I made $30 or so bucks selling my clothes, I made money on Ebay, found $25 in coins, and miraculously, the day before it was due, I sold $50 in jewelry. I didn’t even try to promote my jewelry, by simply wearing the rings, I was promoting and of course- I always had products on hand.
No I don’t have health insurance or a savings account, I kind of live month to month. I haven’t worked under a full time boss for 4 months, I’m probably the happiest person alive. Call me crazy, but I’m starting to really love being surprised and being provided for.
The Great American Hunger- The Epidemic of Never Having Enough
Okay, this is not one of those guilt-tripping, showing you starving children picture, make you give money to Africa kind of blog post. However, it is a blog post to wake up Americans, and well, any other wealthy nation.
North Korea- the Human market. There’s such a lack of food that people are selling human flesh. It’s inhumane, yet what do WE do to fill OUR hunger?
Nowadays, debt has become a normal thing. IF you don’t have enough, then go into debt to get what you want. It’s very easy to do. This morning I woke up and these words popped into my head “the great American hunger”.
The Great American Hunger
What does that really mean? Well, it’s an insatiable consumeristic hunger that, I believe, encourages selfish living and isolation. Think about the kids that play in dirt in poorer countries, they enjoy community and are thankful for the little they have (okay, this is not always true….but perhaps looking at this we can learn something).
If you notice, Americans aim to go to an Ivy League, then get their masters, perhaps become a doctor or lawyer (please don’t be offended the very occupation is not what I’m trying to get at), so they can buy a really big ass house with a shiny car, maybe get married and have 10 kids. The more we accumulate, the more our stuff serves to isolate ourselves. The bigger our house is the less we have to go out our front door and see people or strangers. Our lives are ours so we drive ourselves to work, drive ourselves home, live in a big house with our own family.
However, because OUR house is so big, we all have OUR own room, so no one feels the need to interact.
The MORE we spend, the more we want. I believe growing up in America, one cannot say that they have not been brainwashed to think that THE LIFE is “about having more”. Are we not brainwashed to think that “the better technology we have”- the better our lives are? I mean I love technology, but you know EXACTLY what I’m trying to get at.
The GREAT AMERICAN HUNGER is in our soul. It’s not in our pocketbook, in our wallet, in how much we have or how much we are lacking material wise.
It is asking ourselves core questions about who we are, where we get our identity from, what is important to us (success, people, money?), and living with intention instead of letting our society brainwash us into a RAT RACE so we can sit on our wheelchair when we are 80 and attempt to go on our vacations that we’ve been working for for the former times of our lives.
So what are we actually hungry for?
Love, acceptance, the need for other people to tell us “good job and well done” when we’ve made 6 figures? What are YOU hungry for?
(besides all the superficial things that our soul has no desire for).
Stop. All Way. Smell the Roses.
Taking a walk has become my new favorite hobby, it’s so enlightening.
Oh dear, what a week.
I spent $1 in the last 2 days, pretty impressive.
One night I really felt like dancing, so I called up a few friends and went out. We found FREE parking in Hollywood, I only spent $1 for tipping the bartender for water. It sounds pretty ridiculous, but this is my life now.
You start to appreciate the small things though.
Yesterday I was driving my roommate to the fashion show, we exited the wrong exit and suddenly I turned and saw this sign “Dick Church’s Restaurant”. I froze and started laughing uncontrollably. Lauren started cracking up because she thought it was funny how funny I thought the whole ordeal was. We saw a really cute coffee shop and I pointed it out.
“If only we had money”- Lauren said.
I nodded.
“Yah I shouldn’t be swiping my credit card”- I said.
We nodded.
And then of course we started laughing.
“Jesus give us free coffee!” I cried out.
When we got to the venue, the salon girl gave me a shot of expresso in a free coffee. Wow.
And then I got free subways because I was a designer. People think once you’re called “a designer”, you’re probably really loaded. It’s not true.
I was so blessed yesterday, I even got a free swag bag with a black tank top I really needed. Sometimes I think, why am I still supporting two organizations when I can’t even pay for my own food. I’m not sure, but I’m trusting God to provide for something I can’t see yet.
I had a dream the other night that I was in China and I had to go home on a train. However, it would cost $140 but I didn’t have the money. I freaked out.
Another recollection of our life together:
Me driving.
Lauren and I were talking about being completely free from rent, living in a car perhaps.
“It would be so great to be free, to just focus on loving people”- She said.
“Yah, I thought about buying a Volkswagen bus and road tripping. It’s a great place to sleep” – I said. Plus I can just bring all my musical instruments with me! I can busk and do all sorts of things.
“Okay, but what about just have physical stability. Where do you poop and kitchen wise?” – I asked.
“Oh yah, and where do we plug in our laptop?” – She said.
“Oh yah.”
“Oh. Nevermind. Haha”- she said.
I suppose it seems a bit pitiful the way we’re living, but I’m starting to appreciate it. It really motivates me to think creatively.
“What can I sell to make some cash? Or what skills can I offer to make some cash?” I ask…
As long as I don’t have to sell my body, I’m willing to clean toilets and be a maid. I mean, at this point, you can’t really be proud. It’s sad that one time my friend said, “oh I didn’t think you would apply for a café job because you’re too above it”. I don’t ever want to become like that. That’s too pitiful….to become someone who is too proud to do ‘lowly’ things. That’s scary to me.
You really lose the beauty and simplicities of life. If I sat around and had everything I wanted, I probably wouldn’t think outside the box. I don’t know what’s coming, but it’s been a prolonged journey of working, trying really hard, and well, sometimes finding little results. Yet, I keep persevering, knowing the prize is there…but also smelling the rose every moment, which is more important than attaining the prize. The prize is here.
The prize is having people to support you through it all.
Deep Uncovering – Living With Intention
Here goes another very deep blog entry. Be prepared!!!
As you know, I’m reading Life Entrepreneurs- I’m on chapter 3 “Discovering Core Identity”. I encourage EVERYONE to read this blog post because it may wake up a few on-lookers.
1. Having a Clear Sense of Who We Are
“How can we achieve such self-awareness? The process if one of ‘dis-covering,’ or removing the layers of sediment that obstruct our view- layers of ego, pride, ambition, and expectations that so often bury our own identity. It is a process that requires not only reflection but also action. Knowing oneself is usually an outcome of an iterative process of introspection, action, change, and reflection”. Setting out as a life entrepreneur means that you must have a clear sense of who you are.
2. Digging Into the Past to Discover Future Revelation
“It may sound easy, but precious few of us mine the chapters of our personal story to inform and enrich our days. Most of us glance fleetingly at our history through a rearview mirror while charging into the future”.
The last couple of months of struggling and discovering have helped me to dig deeper into my past. Many of us live in denial. I know this, I lived in it for several years, only accidentally discovering wounds here and there, but never really facing them. It’s a lie to think that our past doesn’t affect our future. It does.
For example, my accomplishment driven self strove to become the best at everything in order to prove that I was worthy of love and acceptance. I was deprived of approval and thus, sought peoples’ approval. Then I realized that people who are empty themselves, have little love or acceptance to give themselves. A broken basket cannot give because all the eggs have fallen out. How did I know all this? I struggled through my experiences and gleaned new insights- I took time to analyze my response to the external, then meditated on my identity as God’s daughter. If I felt rejected, I heard God say “you are my daughter, I love you and have prepared a way for you”.
3. Self-actualization Above Physical Need (like money)
“…a musician must make music, an artist must paint, a writer must write if he/ she is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man or woman can be, he or she must be. This need we call self-actualization….”
“This speaks to why discovering our core identity is essential. Too many people lead a life that doesn’t cohere with their authentic essence. Too many see their true identity buried by external pressures, expectations, or circumstances, squashing their potential for authenticity and self- actualization”
I was thinking about this woman who goes to work everyday, 5 days a week and have little social life. What an existence to live! What is to be said the day she lies in her grave? She worked many hours in her life, she was a hard worker. I don’t know if I would want that to be said about me when I’m at the end of my life.
4. Coming Alive
“Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive”– Howard Thurman
Today’s Conclusion
After coming back from Australia, I had many people come up to me and tell me “you are so lucky, I wish I could travel…if I only had the money!” Actually, most people can travel with enough planning and mostly, courage to risk a secure life. I tell them, “well, be prepared to be butt broke when you come back, otherwise, it’s so worth it!” Of course, that’s not very encouraging….
But going on a trip that changed my life – is far more worth it than my security. In fact, I freak out when my life is too consistent, it scares me. My biggest fear is consistency and routine. It makes me feel trapped. I’m glad that my sometimes lonesome and traumatic childhood removed me from normal life and caused me to reach deeper and reflect when the outside world was out partying. I found solitude comforting and learned to become a listener and observer. Being a listener helped me to listen to my heart, other peoples’ hearts, and love myself and others even more. I listened and found the spiritual world. I listened and saw the crying and the dying.
Today I still listen, that’s why I like music so much. When I listen to music, I imagine each note being played, I am imagining the venue, the live band, people. Music creates an internal reality which is externalized by dancing. Living with intention means that we have to dig deeper into our hearts and find the wounds that have created our current reality. Then we must heal, we must confide in trustworthy friends, journal, struggle- and let our reality become a miracle.
Alishan, Taiwan
11/11/11 – Day of Renewal and Birth
My Wall of Graffiti of Graffitis! I finished this yesterday and had so much fun staring at the wall. Most people will think it weird that I’m making wall art out of graffiti pictures while listening to Hawaiian music. I’m so alien. haha.
Here are some quotes to celebrate 11/11/11:
“The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination”- Carl Rogers
“It is much easier to walk along prescribed paths than to blaze our own trail”- Christopher Gerg
“It is in the quiet crucible of your personal private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born & God’s greatest gifts are given in compensation for what you’ve been through”- Wintley Phipps
I can attest to the last quote quite while, after July 29th, I stumbled through hills of uncertainty, not seeing, fumbling through the dark, wondering when I would get to my promised land. Little did I know that the promise land was “the now”, “the here” and “the who…whoever was in my life that moment”. After lots of wrestling with God, fighting opposition, and experiencing “the now” in Australia- I came back and went through another storm. This storm was the fear of not having enough.
Now I know that I had to battle every system that our society had built and socialized us to believe to “CREATE SOMETHING ALTOGETHER NEW”. I started meeting people and reading books that encouraged me to go on. I was forging a way, a new path that I’m still uncertain of. In the end, my new path was simply “LIVING OUT LOUD” and “FINDING FREEDOM TO BE MYSELF”- including work, life, the way I prioritize relationships in life. It’s continually learning and finding ways to challenge the norm, instead of accepting what is or what has been.
It hasn’t been easy because this process meant weeding out all the preconceived values that was basically crap, and stripping myself naked to the things that were basic and human- the need for love and the need to feel alive, to feel like I’m living OUT LOUD.
I found that:
1. I miss music a hella LOADS. So I tried out to be a choir director- next week I’m trying out again. My love for singing is being renewed and the suffering I went through has brought new strength and beauty to my voice.
2. I love getting to know people.
3. I need to see nature, to be in sunlight, to feel the elements of life.
4. Creating is NOT an option, it is living to me. Living is creating a story, each moment you are creating something new. Being creative then is just who I am, I can’t suffocate who I am.
5. If you can be still and know your worth and identity in each moment of life, no storm can bring you down. You will find peace wherever you are, however much you have, whatever chaos surrounds you.
What is one preconceived value that you still hold onto even though it is crushing the essence of who you are? (comments are welcome)
We’re creating a new world and it starts from within.
Insane Woman, Turned History Maker
I like to state my womanhood. I am a woman. I like to state it often because I embrace my womanhood.
They were, perfectly trimmed nails, manicured, perfectly waxed eyebrows, pssssttttt, seniorita, fake tanned, up-tities, gleaming lips with smack of lipgloss and perfect teeth with extra help. Fur lining their coat, fox, animal. Money blinging up and down from their toes, to their shoes, to their dresses, gleaming on their ears. Flash, choke, drown.
Drowning in luxury.
I was this ordinary woman sitting behind the booth watching as flocks and flocks of beautiful aged women walked in with their diamond rings and bags, swaying in their heels. Diamonds could not hide the wrinkles lining their eyes, their fingers, crispy and dried. I tried not to think about it, but suddenly my face froze and I zoned out.
“I can’t imagine being that woman when I’m 80 and I don’t want to be. If all our lives were…were about our outward appearance, and when I’m 70 I have perfect manicures, tattooed eyebrows, money to flood a nation….yet, no purpose, no meaning, no goals and passion…and all I did was get pedicures and have little lunch parties? and attend fundraisers (oh God bless fundraisers, without money we wouldn’t be able to fund many non-profits), but just in that moment, I zoned out and thought this…
I don’t want to be that, whatever that is.”
When I’m 70, I don’t want to spend money on all that. I want to have built orphanages with the money that could have gone to fox animal furs, diamonds, houses, rings…I want to have rescued kids from brothels, women from abuse, men from abuse…I want to have done something greater than just prove that ‘I made a lot of money in this lifetime’.
Later today, I bumped into several Hyatt hotel housekeepers. “I gotta go home now, and tomorrow I come again”- said this one cleaning person. I thought to myself, “to have the discipline and faithfulness to keep going even though you are doing mindless work…that is perseverance”. He helped me get my load off the elevator.
Suddenly, I was struck with a paradox. These well manicured, perfectly curled haired of a women would probably not raise a hand to help an ordinary woman unloading stuff off an elevator….but an ordinary, probably struggling housekeeper would find it easy to serve another human being. I was so struck with an epiphany, I almost zoned out again.
Having struggled for the past month, getting criticism about my choice of becoming a self-starter, shit from people I thought I trusted, eating ramen some days, denying my boba cravings, getting criticism from my buyers, etc….and just getting inundated with shit. I saw many things clearly.
It’s funny how we need to be drowned in dung, criticisms, hardships – to see life ever SO FREAKEN CLEARLY.
I am so grateful for the hardships and tears I went through in the past month. So grateful. There were times I found myself doubting the inkling of my identity, times I cried while walking in downtown LA, calling a friend quick- “I’m in shit, can we talk?”.
Times I thought to myself, “what is the very purpose for which I’m created”.
Things have started to turn around, my 12 readers that do read my blog posts. Perseverance and prayers have paid off. Fate has claimed its way in my destiny. I’m victorious in my little, finding hope in the essence of love. I met people who reminded me of who I am…people who grabbed a hold of my vulnerable heart and whispered encouragement, spoke into it my deepest desires, and pushed me to get up even when blood was dripping out of my nose, my knees were wounded by rocks, back with layers of scabs, head almost insane from hunger and insanity, confusion at times. Some were close friends, some were new friends, but all were in tune with the desires of my soul. Rather than mock me for my insanity, which I am insane 99.9% of the time (1% of the time I’m sane when I listen to naysayers), they joined my insanity and became my risk-taking comrades.
We will destroy the system of conformity and complacency. We will form new beauty and create a society based on love, not profit. We will allow uniqueness to flourish and romance in the specialty of being an individual, yet conspire in being always together in our insanity. We will let the moment take us by the hand, feet with music, not by logic.
Because who said life was logical? In fact, some of the greatest history makers were insane in their own time.
Yes, if you didn’t know – you are reading a history makers’ blog.
It’s a big, huge, claim to make- maybe even a little narcissistic, but I’ve been through too much crap to give up making sense of this beautiful life. I claim what I claim because I know this is true.
What about you?
From the top of a hotel I stayed in Taiwan last year for a night. It was the best solid alone time I ever got.
Intuition told me this photo represents what I’m talking about- you can do the analyzing.
Craving Romance In Your Life?
Seems like the word “romance” is overrated, old school, ancient, backward….
Well I’m here to tell you, romance IS THE NEW. We need romance in our lives– what do I mean?
Now, when I talk about romance, I don’t necessarily mean a partner whispering sweet nothings into your ear, writing love letters all the time, surprising you at your doorstep with flowers, teddy bear, chocolate and the likes. That’s not all I’m talking about.
According to Wikipedia- “Romance is the pleasurable feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.In the context of romantic love relationships, romance usually implies an expression of one’s love, or one’s deep emotional desires to connect with another person.”
Romance “happens” because someone usually adores you, knows your worth, knows you are like a queen, a goddess, worthy to be loved. You are adored.
What if we “already” know that, and don’t necessarily need a guy to tell us our worth? Would we live differently? Would we romance ourselves? We know we are beautiful, worthy of pleasing, so we treat ourselves to ice cream, to a sundae fudge.
This night, I found myself filling up my tub to the brim with hot water.
The night was cold and quiet, filled with only bossa nova music. This was pleasant to my soul.
I scrubbed the debris of the day away, cleansing myself of the weariness of the day…though unlike some busy days,
I listened to my intuition, took myself on a trip to meet new friends at a coffee shop.
The serendipity of connecting with another strange soul, is to me, romantic- as in, new, surprising, unlike the norm.
Today was a romantic day. I treated myself with respect, knew my worth, lived in romance.
The sounds of drums, violin, guitar filled my room and I couldn’t help but dance, alone, yet not alone.
When we realize that our identity does not come from the income, the security of a job, what we do- we live romantically- pleasuring ourselves in what is beautiful. A bath with music filling your senses.
Of course, as the water flowed up my arms, breezing by in fluid motion- I couldn’t help but think “how ironic that I’m broke as hell and I’m happier than ever”. Normal people will never understand how I can give up a full time job to live like this, not knowing where my income will come from. I like the surprise of it all, I like being surprised by God. I’m just salsa-ing, tangoing, samba-ing through life, every step is like a dance.
I watch myself dancing with various friends, every song is another season. It’s a romantic season of being myself, doing what I love, living in the unknown, bathing myself in romantic music, enjoying every moment of being with people. It’s time to be romanced, we need to value our beauty, our lives, our people – instead of finding productivity in every task.
Do you lack romance in your life?
The Point of No Return
I come back from Australia, go to San Francisco, meet tons of cool people and visit cool places…then I start getting these itchy annoying spots on my ankle and a bit on my stomach. To add to the mess, my car almost got towed yesterday at Jack in the Box and we had to pay $100 for the mess. Even after much persuasion, the towing people looked at me with weary eyes, “no, no discount”.
After mailing shoes I sold on Ebay, I started wanting to cry again.
“What am I going to do with my life now that I’m back?”- It’s one of those familiar moments that I feel like every artist go through, or every post-grad.
I started to feel those negative thoughts flood back and all I could do was push them out. I really don’t want to settle again, I don’t want to settle for another 9 to 5 job that pays the bills but kills my soul. I’d rather be struggling, a starving artist, than someone who settles for a slow killing cancerous job that presses down on the soul and body, aiming to “conform all to the brain numbing institutions that kills personality and personhood” (I’m not saying every company does that….but a lot).
I’m going to trust God, keep strong, keep going, even if I have to go to bartending school to become a bartender to pay the bills, or to work at a coffee shop. At this point, I need to hustle for one week to pay rent.
Life The Romance
I’m pretty upset because I spent a whole 30 minutes or more typing up a blog post and of course, I was impatient and kept clicking publish, but the internet slowed and somehow I closed it without saving it. This is a writer’s worse nightmare.
I had such good words to share, but now I’m not in the mood for it.
I’ll be straight up then- I met a friend in Melbourne who inspired beauty in my heart. His smile and carefree laughs, jumping on the street for no reason made me realize that “Man! I’m not alone!”. Our mutual love for music, dance, street art, and nice areas to lounge sparked a friendship that would potentially last for life. He stirred up beauty in my heart and I will always remember him for it. He also taught me to grasp each moment and cherish the now. This is so contrary to American culture, and I could only have learned that from a French person- to live life with passion and zest.
In America, I feel, sometimes it’s so easy to be talking to another person, and checking your phone at the same time. It’s so easy to bypass another person without a second thought. It’s easy to go from one appointment to another without actually “THINKING”. OMG BIG SURPRISE. It’s so true because I was once like that. I hate that. I really do. How can you live life without being aware of self, others, and your atmosphere? How can you live life without being “here” and in the “now”? How can you constantly worry about the future when “now” is all you have?
I’ve learned that on my trip, I’ve experienced it. You can only experience “just being” by being in the moment, by experiencing being, being aware of the sounds, the smells, the persons, the environment, by being where you are in the now.
Mon Melbourne Cherie
Found in a bathroom in Melbourne toilet. 🙂
Rebekka Lien 