Where Is Home? Finding Stability in The Chaos

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I decided to write because I started sobbing. Why I was sobbing…Let me explain.

I just got back to LA but instead of the normal LA life, I found myself being called by God to minister everyday. I was pushed and forced out of my comfort zone (in LA). One day I was going 40 miles out on a bus, another day I’m traveling. I’ve been spending almost 4 hours on public transportation everyday. God has led me to the people He wanted me to relay messages to.

Like today I got to meet a father and son in the wee early morning. I felt so at home with them. My heart felt alive. 

The reason I was even going to Calabasas was because I saw an audition to be a rainbow hair model. I really want rainbow hair. However, I didn’t like the idea of waking up early but I felt that God wanted me to go.

So the night before I said “God if you want me to go, then wake me up”. I didn’t set an alarm.

At 4:30 am God woke me up with a revelation and I blogged about it (the previous post). At 5:30 am I decided to go back to sleep…however God said “wake up, go now!”

I was like “fine”. I took a bus around 6:15 am and when I got to Downtown I was at the bus stop when a man and his son asked me if the bus stopped there, I said yes. Immediately I felt a connection. God said to sit next to him so we talked the whole way. He showed me the book he wrote and published on amazon. He said he directed films and his son (8 years old) said he wanted to make money and he found an audition for him.

We happened to be going to the same studio.

Strangely, I said I started making money when I was 8 years old too, selling toys after school. I said usually the reason kids want to make money is because they feel insecure, like I did at the time. I saw my mother struggling and I wanted to help by being independent at a young age.

God has a strange way of connecting us to people with similar experiences. Then he told me how he drove a bus and sold t-shirts out of it, he traveled throughout the US. I prayed over him and said that in God’s eyes he is not lacking and that he needed to speak his truth without fear of what others thought of him. He told me how he was adopted but that aristocrats and celebrities always gravitate towards him because of his authenticity.

I really loved meeting them and enjoyed spending time with them.

After I arrived 2 hours early, I waited around for my audition. God kept telling me that I would be the only one and sure enough I was the only one that showed up for the audition. However, because of my hair length I was not picked.

I felt like a failure for some reason…maybe it was the way the lady asked for more photos of me saying “I need to see what you look like” while she was obviously standing in front of me…LIKE HELLO CAN’T YOU SEE WHAT I LOOK LIKE?

My mind raced- “she must be racist, she must not think I’m pretty enough, is it because of my growing lower chin, is it because I have no makeup on?”

I felt so depleted and disappointed…”I thought you said I would get picked!” I said to God. No answer. But deep down I knew that God was somehow protecting me. It was just an off-spirit about that place.

At first I sat in one place hoping she’d change her mind. I just really wanted rainbow hair. I don’t know why. Maybe rainbows represent promises fulfilled and maybe I felt like I hadn’t seen that many promises fulfilled. Sure I’ve ministered in 14 countries in the last year and have seen OTHER PEOPLES’ promises fulfilled, but for some reason I felt that I was STILL waiting for mine to be fulfilled. 

So I thought “I was the only one, I had no competition, yet I still didn’t get what I want?” That’s how I felt. The lady had to tell me “you’re free to go” before I could get myself up.

I went to the bathroom and started crying. 

I was disappointed. I was tired. It felt like my life, and I know it was the enemy of course...but I was just tired of being disappointed you know? Whether it came to a potential suitor not ending up being my future husband, the relationship not working out….or feeling like I had a home and then going back to LA and being accused by my mother instead of celebrated. 

My heart felt really tired.

Again? It felt.

Then I nodded off in the bus heading back to Downtown. I saw a lot of drunk people, high people on the bus. I smelled weed, I saw drunk people hitting on women. This is LA, but it felt foreign. “It’s gotten worse” I thought as I sat in the crowded Orange Line Bus to North Hollywood.

It occurred to me….”Hollywood is full of orphans looking for approval”. 

The guy with a guitar strapped to his heart in the bus.

A guy with golden chains around his neck while he spoke to his friend on the phone, “everyone who is anyone is out in Hollywood trying to make it”.

God said “well you are my daughter and you don’t need anyone’s approval”. That’s when God really set me free because a part of my heart was still hoping to make it in Hollywood (to share the light of Jesus). I thought I needed to appear in movies and tv shows to be influential but God was saying “I don’t need that, I don’t need a network, I don’t need a tv channel, I will do it my way through you”. 

You don’t need whoever you think you need.

I think that’s why people end up bowing down to people versus God. They think they need the job, the paycheck, the husband, the abuser, the relationship, the friend….but you don’t need anyone or anything but God. Because whoever you are codependent on usually begin to abuse or lord over you. That’s what I talked about in my last post, Sarah versus Hagar

So everything seemed to be piling up. In addition, after just coming back to LA, living a life of ministry on the road, I’m still doing ministry here. Then God says “it’s time to go” again. I leave LA June 24. I just follow His spirit everyday. My flesh is screaming, I don’t want to!!! I want to live a normal life!! But my spirit is like “YES, take me!” 

Because of the hardships and challenges I’ve gone through this year coming back actually feels like coming off the battlefield in the army.

I feel like a soldier coming back to civilian life, yet…still on the battlefield spiritually. I haven’t seen any of my friends yet….yet everything feels different. Recently I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night from music in the air. I don’t know where the music is coming from but maybe it’s spiritual music.

Maybe it’s music to awaken my heart.

So when my mom texts me and asks me where I’m moving to next, I say “I’m actually leaving the country again” and I start sobbing. I only got to see her for 3 days as she had to work out of town. We were able to reconcile and communicate on a better level – praise God.

Nothing feels stable but I know I must look to Jesus at all times. I can’t rely on my environment or people for stability, I must look at God alone. 

I don’t know why God chose me for this type of life – actually I do know- because I’m willing. I’m willing to overcome the fears that bind most people to a “stable life” -though the stable life is actually filled with fear that create stagnant hearts and lives. 

My friend said I’m like a piece of iron that God had to mold so that I can withstand anything. That’s great. Basically I’m like Iron Woman. How attractive, haha.

Just when I start to feel at home I have to leave. But that’s part of moving with God’s spirit. We must jump with Him and not linger. He has been telling me that every morning. Don’t linger, just go. We linger because we feel like we are not enough, we don’t have enough (money, clothes, abilities, friends, opportunities), we are not wearing the right clothes, etc….

But when God says “go”- you have to go!

That has been me for the last year. Feeling unprepared everyday but just going with God. He says “don’t prepare what you are going to say in front of the governors, when you get there I’ll speak through you”. In the same way, God wants us to be unprepared and to TRUST HIM to speak through us, work in THAT MOMENT. 

WE ARE OVER- PREPARERS! BUT WE PREPARE OUT OF OUR OWN LOGIC AND REASONING- Not God’s logic. You have read about the many times I didn’t have enough money for a hostel or something on the road and God gave me the specific instructions I needed in that moment. Or He asked me to ask someone for help and in actuality they needed a prophetic word or healing from God. 

The divine appointment was in my need. 

The divine appointment needed something from me as a messenger of God and I needed something materially. Jesus even said to the disciples, bring no money bag. That’s pretty crazy. I think most missionaries don’t live that way. But somehow I’ve experienced it and I do not wish it upon anyone…yet, now I have a lot less fears than before.

We don’t see God moving because we rely more on other things. We don’t give Him room to move when we’ve already filled the room with our own preparations. 

So how about you just jump?

It’s time to jump. 

Partner with me and see God move powerfully in your life. I ask you not to just give your money but your life to Jesus today! Thank you for giving! I pray God’s peace and joy over you in Jesus name!

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John 3:16

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Ask Jesus into your heart, He wants a relationship with you. He died on the cross and rose again for your sins and when you receive Him He only sees Jesus in you, not your blemishes and faults.

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The Grass Is Always Green On God’s Side- You Are Enough.

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The enemy of our soul often makes us feel like we are lacking, like life will be better “WHEN___________ (this happens)”. Whatever this is.

When I buy a new car, I’ll be happier.

When I buy that dress, I’ll be happier.

When my husband comes, I’ll be happier.

When money comes, I’ll be happier.

When I retire, I’ll be happier.

When I get to this or that country, when I travel, I’ll be happier.

All of those mindsets are actually based on the spirit of lack, not abundance. 

You already have what you need to do what you need to do, or even want to do.

When you realize your identity in Christ Jesus, you live from a spirit of “enough”. I am enough because of what Jesus did on the cross for me, I am not lacking.

Your bills might be late, you might have debt in the human realm, your husband or wife might be mad at you, your children might be out there somewhere and you have no control over them (rightly so), you might have acne on your face, you might have a layer of fat on your stomach, you might have high cholesterol, but in Christ you are whole.

So how do we live in that wholeness?

Because we live in a world that is imperfect and there always seems to be some kind of problem – such as my phone that is dead and resurrected a few times, a black hole in the center of the screen, cracked screen. Life can be frustrating.

And I found myself feeling uneven. God I’m doing all this for you, I layed down my life for you, and this is what I get?

I get a half working phone, fear of lack, and mean spirited people? I get noises all night preventing me from sleeping throughout the night?

I found myself wanting to cry and even wanting to die at times.

That’s the truth, it was so fierce.

Then I realize it was spiritual warfare.

This is the enemy lying to me-  “you are not enough, you don’t have what it takes, God is not enough for you, you need to stop doing God’s work and go home, just live a normal life will you? Look, God is not providing for you. Look, others get to have some luxurious life but you are living in an 8 bed dorm with people snoring, phones going off in the middle of the night, people who don’t respect you….it’s endless isn’t it? Is this even worth it? Doing God’s work, touching lives?”

I was bombarded with lies, with attacks, thoughts that drove me to the wall. 

These distractions, even the noises, the tv playing in the middle of the night made me crazy. I found myself waking up in the middle of the night and going outside saying to the people talking “will you quiet down because I can hear you inside” to taking off the freaken wind chime off the wall and telling someone to lower the volume on the TV.

Those noises were symbolic of the noises (lies) of the enemy.

This morning a light bulb went off.

YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are not lacking. I started counting every blessing and thanking God for everything. God thank you for the hair on my head, thank you for functioning legs and feet, thank you for the breathe in my lungs, thank you for my hands that can type this blog post. Thank you God that I’ve been able to survive and I’ve been to more countries than most people.

Thank you God that I didn’t get robbed. Thank you God you kept me safe in all these countries. Thank you God that no one attacked me physically. Thank you Lord.

Then I realize that the enemy OFTEN WANTS US TO FOCUS ON WHAT WE DON’T HAVE right now. He wants us to focus on lack so that we would not live in our true identity as sons and daughters of God. 

But even if you have nothing on your back and no wallet or bank account, you are rich in Christ Jesus. Jesus paid to have you as His son or daughter and you are royalty. This identity is not dependent on the clothes you wear, the house you live in, if you have a car or not. It’s not dependent on your new or no phone. Your identity is not dependent on what others think of you….

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YOU ARE A CHILD of God and this identity is unshakable, immovable. 

I might not be able to take photos most of the time with my half working phone, there might be a black dot on the screen and the right side looks like the terminator.

I might be living in an 8 bed dorm with tv blasting at all times during the day. I might have a little carry on and not enough “pretty” clothes. I might be wearing a $5 shirt from Japan, and socks for $1. I might have a non-flat stomach and sometimes I notice some fat on my chin.

I might be annoyed and uncomfortable, but I am enough in Christ Jesus.

I might not always know how I will continue, I might not know where the money is coming from, but I am enough in Christ Jesus and He is enough for me.

God is my Good Father and He knows your needs. Wait patiently, and battle patiently when those thoughts come. I pray the Lord give you wisdom and may God remove any lies about your worth in Jesus name.

I am enough now, not in the future. I am enough now. 

To Read About My Story 

To Sow A Seed to This Ministry and what I am doing around the world, bringing Jesus’ love to people.

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Rebekka (missionary, prophet, pastor – qualified only by the blood of Jesus).

The Making Of A Prophet

 

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“But I tell you the truth, no prophet is accepted in his own hometown.”- Luke 4:24

I don’t wish that anyone be called by God to be a prophet, pastor, evangelists. What you see in America is not what being called actually looks like, most people don’t tell you what the process looks like to be called. 

The biggest struggle I’ve had to go through is being rejected, by everyone. The biggest lesson I learned in being rejected is that “I am worthy, I am enough”.

I’m going to tell you what it actually looks like to be called. Growing up in a conservative church, people didn’t really believe me when I told them that “God told me”. I had a ear for God early on, but didn’t know it was being spirit filled.

I listened and will follow Him where He was leading. I got booted out essentially by the conservatives. Later on I tried to pursue success in the world and failed miserably as God closed all the doors. He said “You are a pastor to the lost sheep”. 

Now He also called me after my failed attempt to be successful in the world to “sell everything and follow Him”. I proceeded to returned my leased car, my apartment that  I was already two months behind in rent, and I basically did everything that a model citizen wouldn’t do.

After years of being “independent” I moved back home with my mom. I felt like I was losing everything I built my life on. I lost my career, my laptop crashed, I didn’t have a sim card for 3 years.

The accusations got louder and louder- “what are you doing with your life? You are almost 30. Stop wasting your life. Get a real job”.

Well, God told me very specifically to rest and to follow His voice. So there I was praying for people on buses and on the streets. I didn’t know that my life would essentially look like that NOW but I am praying for so many more people on a daily basis.

You see, I looked like I was living an irresponsible life but I was setting people free from fear and bondage, I was healing backaches and speaking identity into orphaned hearted people. But that didn’t seem to matter to my mom. 

But in those 2 years God restored more of our relationship.

So I lost everything but I gained the Lord. Jesus.

All my vices suddenly disappeared as the Lord started healing everything wounded in me. I stopped wanting to drink whereas in my early twenties I often found myself drowning my pain in alcohol or going out with people.

Now people offer me alcohol and I just don’t want it. It’s not because of self-discipline but because God has took away any desire so that I can be sober minded.

It says to be vigilant for the enemy is always prowling to attack, this is true. I let my spiritual guard down when I am drunk. But now I am drunk with the SPIRIT of GOD. And it is INCREDIBLE.

In 2014 I also broke up with my ex and I stopped dating. Suddenly I didn’t need attention from men anymore. THAT WOUND HEALED. The Lord did it. You see even if a nice looking guy shows up I can read his mind and his spirit!

So what did the process look like? LOTS of tears and rejection. Being rejected by your own relatives, friends, being judged about your life. Traveling to places and sometimes not knowing what I would eat or if I had money to eat, being laughed at when I get in front of a stranger in front of a big crowd of people, being ridiculed. 

YES, people say “no” all the time when I ask to pray for them. Yes, people laugh at me.

When I tell people I’m a prophet, some laugh. Some people who don’t believe in Jesus laugh and ridicule me. Some people think I’m saying it to be boastful and they attack me.

But you know what I say “I don’t wish it upon anyone because the cost has been great”.

Now more than ever what I pray over people is this “you are enough in Christ Jesus, there is now no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. You are righteous by grace and not by works”. This SETS PEOPLE FREE because they are no longer under judgement, but FREEDOM. 

I had to go through all that to know what IDENTITY MEANS.

The crazy thing is that the farther I went from Los Angeles, the more I was actually honored as a prophet and as a human being. Above is a picture of my brother in Christ. I have received such encouragement from people I have met here, in Japan and in Korea. Though I was once dishonored and rejected, God is restoring honor to me.

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God Wants To Meet You In The Unknown

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I’ve been battling a cold recently.

I had a dream last night where I couldn’t figure out what train to get on, whether to Azusa or Disneyland. I took the train the wrong way, I got off, then took the train the right way, and then got off to take another train. Then I just decided to go use the restroom which was in between both trains. A door opened up for me to go number one.

In another dream, I was trying to choose the right cup to drink water from because I was parched. But I didn’t like any of the cups. Some were too big and some were dirty. Then I was lying on the beach and I had no sunscreen on and my eye was parched.

When I woke up I felt like God wanted to meet me in the unknown.

The waiting and transition season often feels like a drag. It feels uncertain, unstable…you often can’t answer peoples’ questions like “what have you been up to?”

Your reply might be “just resting”.

But it’s not just resting, it’s meeting God in the unknown. 

The transition period often calls for us to be still and know that God is God. 

He wants to remind us of His character – that He is good, that He loves us, that He knows what He is doing, that He sometimes puts us in a season of rest so that we understand His character.

And that is why Resting is so hard for people of this world. RESTING means letting go and trusting that everything will work out. 

That is why most people cannot rest if they have dire circumstances in life, but we know that Jesus is working on our behalf (we live from a place of victory) and so even in dire circumstances our hearts can rest in a God who knows what HE is doing, who is trust worthy and who never LEAVES nor forsakes us. 

So it’s not really just about God answering your prayers or delivering a miracle….it’s manifesting all those things HE wants to give us from a place of knowing how much He loves us and cares for us. He wants us to live out of our God given identities.

He wants to bless us as fathers bless their children, from a pure heart of love.

Whenever I try to figure out or ask God “what should I do?” I now know that I want to DO without knowing who He is or who I am.

When we are trying to figure out what’s next, it is often because “in the waiting” we have become impatient and doubt creeps in. This doubt asks us “does God knows what He is doing? Is He a good God? Should I try to handle this situation now since it doesn’t seem like God is doing anything?”

In the transition period, God desires for us to KNOW His character and heart in a deeper and stronger way.  He wants us to know WHO He really is in every circumstance. He wants us to mature in our understanding of our position in Christ.

So many people want to have His material blessings without becoming people who walk with Him as friends. The true blessing is becoming a people who carry His presence and become blessings on this earth because of their intimacy with Jesus. 

God desires for us to KNOW who we are– people with spiritual inheritance and authority. A people who have a Father who loves them.

God desires for us to KNOW who HE is– A God who loves us unconditionally and HAS PLANS to prosper us and not to harm us.

The unknown season forces us to get to know WHO we are in Christ and WHO He is for US.

So don’t feel burdened or rushed to get to the next season, there are treasures of intimacy in the unknown and waiting season. Feed your soul and spirit with the love of God. Indulge in the love God has for you. Rest in knowing that His grace is enough for you.

“I need you to understand who you are and who I am for you before I open the doors to the next season. Not knowing who you are could cause you to open doors to people and opportunities that will hurt you more than help you. I need you to walk in the Christ given authority you were meant to walk in, you inheritance causes you to walk in true spiritual power”- says the Lord.

God Closes Doors To Protect You From People Who Don’t See Your Worth

 

God closes doors and opportunities to protect you from people who don’t see your worth
This VIDEO will change your life and how you VIEW REJECTION!

I have BEEN rejected so many times in my life. In fact, my elementary and middle school years were riddled with bullying and rejection. This continued on in my life as I was different wherever I went. I didn’t realize it was because of the light in me, my refusal to compromise my values and who I am.

I hope this video will change your life and how you view rejection. I know it hurts but when you see the light shinning in you, you’ll realize, GOD LOVES ME THE WAY I AM and HE CREATED ME THIS WAY FOR A PURPOSE! 

Be grateful when God hides you. “I know you have glory on you, but I don’t want the wrong people to see it and take advantage of it. They won’t cherish you, they won’t celebrate you, they’ll scheme and misuse you!” says the Lord.

Be grateful when God hides you because He WANTS YOU TO SEE YOUR WORTH before anyone else does so that YOU WILL KNOW how to negotiate for what you are worth when the time comes….you won’t settle LOW or SELL YOURSELF SHORT for the glory that is in you. 

Be grateful when God hides you because He is waiting for the RIGHT people and opportunities to open their eyes to you so that your anointing won’t be tainted by the greed and selfishness of the wrong people. 

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Feeling Unqualified and Insecure? It’s Jesus Who Qualifies You.

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Lately the attacks have been so real that a live person came to accuse me. This revelation transformed me, I feel God elevating us to a new level of identity! Praise God!

YOU ARE QUALIFIED BY JESUS HIMSELF! NOT by your own credentials, resume, education, works, looks, genes, DNA or family background. GOD’s POWER SURPASSES ALL THAT! ALLOW HOLY SPIRIT to REIGN and FLOURISH through you!

 

Having Faith Is Not For the Weak

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It’s finished.
Everything you want, that you can dream of, it is completed.
It’s finished Jesus said as He gave up His spirit on the cross.
The gospel explained. Religion tries to add works to it. Religion is us trying to work towards God, grace is God reaching us.

It is finished. Your perfect health, your provision, your dream life partner, your house, your healing of your broken heart, the restoration of your family, your retirement, your whatever you are worried about.

If you choose to believe that Jesus did it for you, then you will receive it. But you can’t plan it. You can’t humanly know how it will happen but the process is learning to trust that God is actually good.

I used to be a workaholic, I used to think I needed to prove myself. I didn’t feel complete, didn’t feel loved. I felt like if I worked hard and became successful in the world’s eyes then I would be worthy of love, then people will love me, esp my family.

In Asian culture, it is very esteemed to be a doctor or lawyer. Parents often compare their children. Even though my family was quite different, my mom as a piano teacher and my dad as a professor, my mom probably felt the pressure too to prove that her child was esteemed. Well, here I was, a fashion design major who worked all throughout college and then 9 months after graduation…but then I hated sitting at a desk…I quit my job and went backpacking for 2 months in Australia.

 

It didn’t end there. I decided I would never go back to the life of a desk slave, so I started to build my empire selling jewelry, life coaching, doing all sorts of things. That happened in 2011.

Then God led me to an unknown path and I chose to believe despite the fact that it looked crazy. I gave up everything, my ego, my money, my house, my good credit, my car, my stuff, my own plans, how I wanted others to see me. I chose the kingdom.

Ever since I was young, I had clear goals and dreams. I was aggressive in my approach and worked hard to get whatever I wanted.

Even though I am a creative, I had very clear plans for God to fulfill. But He had other plans for me. He wanted to restore and heal my heart and my identity. He wanted to show me that I was loved for who I am and not what I can achieve. He wanted to put me back into my family and show me that my family love me for who I am. 

Sometimes I listened and obeyed even when it meant getting on my knees and crying, asking God if He would really provide for me when I was alone on an island, with no friends or family.

And then He would send a total stranger to help me when I regained trust in Him. But usually it meant becoming totally helpless.

God was teaching me total reliance.

Having faith is not for the weak, it means believing for the Red Sea to part when everyone is buying wood and making a boat.

You may doubt yourself in the process, but when you see God continue to part rivers, seas, oceans for you He becomes your best friend, your father, mother, mentor, guide.