I saw this in a store the other day!

I just had a huge epiphany.

I realize lately I’ve been meeting a lot of fathers who have broken relationships with their kids.

I’ve met guys who are broken, beautifully yet tragically.

I’ve heard raw stories and it’s broken my heart and caused me to feel burdened. I’ve spoken life into them and tried to encourage them.

But I also realize that at times I feel false responsibility. I feel weighed down and tired. Then I realized that I am trying to help them the way I couldn’t with my dad. As much as I tried to help my dad with his feelings of unworthiness, I realize that I could only do so much and that it’s God’s responsibility to open his heart.

And that is why God brought mirrors to me. These men were not necessarily mirrors of me but mirrors of my dad. These were guys I wanted to help the way I wanted to help my dad.

That as long as I felt responsible for my dad, I’d meet these men.

And it’s not that it’s bad, but if I am to meet my future husband it’s important that I no longer feel responsible for my dad.

That I realize it is God’s responsibility to heal his self worth and identity, and not me.

Omg.

Big epiphany.

I hope these words will help you realize why you always run to one type of guy, why you’re attracted to brokenness, why you always have to be a savior in a relationship, why you seek financial security in a guy or why you feel especially burdened when you’re with one type of guy.

Our romantic partners often reflect what we lacked in our parents, what we are seeking.

However, sometimes we look for exactly what we lacked and it’s detrimental.

You are not responsible for your parents. I am not responsible for fixing my parents. I am not responsible for any human being. Sure God will have me pray and minister to people but it’s not my responsibility to change them, it is God’s job.

As you allow God to open your heart, remember you are worthy of love. You are worthy of a man/woman who gives to you as much as you give to them. You don’t have to be a savior to your significant other. Jesus is their savior.

You are worthy of a good love.

You are worthy to be spoiled.

You are worthy to be cared for.

You are worthy of encouragement and love.

I pray that you will know your worth so much you will no longer compromise.

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If I looked at myself, the self that was crying alone in my mom’s car, in fear of lack, in fear of being stranded, I’d say “God does provide”.

Just thinking back on how I started literally following Jesus to the lost sheep starting last July, I’m literally not the same person.

I went through so many challenges. Food poisoning, flus, almost being stranded, having $5 left and asking strangers for help, flight cancellations, weird noises in the walls of hostels, not being able to sleep, tv noises, spiritual warfare, fears.

But then I also experienced tons of miracles. Healed spines. Healed hearts, people accepting Jesus into their hearts, people realizing they are saved by grace and not works, non Christians hearing my testimony and being open to Christ.

I spent Christmas with 2 Chinese Christians that entered the room at 9pm. We ended up praying late at night for china and their family. That was in Chiangmai, Thailand.

I spent my birthday in Perth, Australia with a family that I prayed for in Bali, and their small group.

Though I didn’t see my family or talk to my family much, I gained family in Christ all over the world.

I prayed for people in buses, on the street.

I also gained friends online. When I least expected and when I needed finances, God inspired people to give. You, you know who! My readers. Some of you have become my most loyal supporters and friends. Thank you.

There were times I thought my friends would help me but it was readers who I didn’t even know that contributed to this kingdom work.

Thank you.

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Revelation regarding relational intimacy and addictions.

God showed me that addictions don’t come from people wanting to do it but from a lack of love or emotional intimacy in their lives. Many times people who become addicted to secret sins are not “bad” people, they simply don’t have people who love them for who they are.

People who become addicted to pornography often are isolated and don’t have people to share their hearts with.

It’s a lack of love and emotional intimacy that leads people to overspend, overeat, under eat, under spend. It’s feeling shame or guilt that leads people to binge on alcohol, drugs or have unfulfilled desires.

It’s a desire to be accepted for who they are and to come into relational intimacy with other humans. There is usually a lack of emotional intimacy that causes people to run towards patterns that harm them.

When I was very young, I found out how to masturbate. It wasn’t in the conventional sense. I just rubbed my pelvis area to a surface and realized that felt really good.

Later on I was told that masturbating was wrong at church and so I tried to stop but found myself feeling guilty and often apologized to God.

I was also told I should stop by a woman who had gotten married but said she continued to masturbate and often was not satisfied by her own husband.

She blamed herself for not being satisfied by her husband.

The Lord recently revealed to me that it is a lack of love and emotional intimacy, loneliness and isolation that caused me to seek comfort.

I often felt emotionally numb and had to shut down my heart because of the emotional pain that cane with emotional intimacy.

I was taught to hold in my emotions. I was taught emotions were bad.

I had so much emotions that I often felt wound up and needed a release. There was no one to release or express myself to. I often felt like I had to hold back my emotions because they were too much for others.

Churches have looked at sin wrong the whole time. Sin comes from a lack of love and people not knowing who they are in Christ. When God loves you into the light, when people start feeling safe and have people they can share their hearts with, addictions and secret sins will automatically no longer be a source of safety.

Churches focus so much on sin but when Jesus said it is finished, He meant that Love covers all. Love forgave all. He doesn’t even see it. That’s unconditional love. That’s the type of love that draws a scared person who has been judged their whole life Into the light. It breaks off shame and guilt and shows that person- your past doesn’t define you; you are enough. Judgement is demonic. Judgment is condemnation and condemnation comes from the accuser, not God.

In my twenties, I drank alcohol to escape emotional pain. I needed a release and alcohol was it. But as I grew in my relationship with God, learning to open my heart to Him, I suddenly stopped wanting it. I knew that it was hurting my health and the Holy Spirit suddenly took the desire away from me.

Writing is one of my outlets now. It helps me express my emotions.

If you notice, people who drink a lot often need it to act like themselves. It’s because a part of them feels like they can’t be themselves when they are sober. There is shame attached to who they are. There is fear that if they are themselves people will reject them so alcohol is a way to say “that’s not who I am, blame the alcohol”.

I hear the Lord say “come into the light”.

Love is seeing people the way God sees them, unblemished, whole, enough.

When you see people as God sees them you don’t look at what they’ve done, you see them as God sees them, as Jesus.

Even if they haven’t accepted Jesus into their lives, God’s intent is that they receive the total love of Jesus.

And that total love makes them pure as snow.

It was a lack of love that caused the married woman I talked about to seek comfort in masturbation. Emotional intimacy and vulnerability would have caused her and her husband to have an honest and intimate sex life. There are probably somethings she was afraid to tell her husband in fear of rejection or judgement and vice versa. Our emotions are one with our bodies and whatever we feel emotionally we experience physically. That’s how God crested us and it is beautiful.

People who have sexual addictions are actually longing for emotional intimacy.

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As you know I grew up without seeing my dad for 10 years. I didn’t see him from 8 to 18. It’s been a long process of learning to forgive him, then learning to love men.

What do I mean?

I didn’t really know how to relate to men.

Yes sure I had a brother who I was very close to. I often shared my heart with him but I doubted he shared as much with me.

Later on, we grew apart and hardly saw each other nor talked to each other.

Then I dated a guy who was emotionally absent. He was emotionally unavailable. He was a practical man. A man who could fix my car, move heavy things for me, pay for dinner, buy me a gift for Christmas.

He was also physically present, but emotionally he was in Antarctica.

So I would hold his hand but his mind was who knows where.

We would be eating at a nice restaurant and my mind would think “I wish I was at home eating macdonalds” because his body was there but his mind was not there.

It was like I was sitting with a statue.

It obviously didn’t start out that way but I realize his heart was unavailable.

Many of us claim to be ready for marriage or a relationship but our hearts are unavailable. Our hearts might say “no way, I don’t want to talk to anyone or share my heart with anyone!”

Vulnerability is everything.

On this journey of traveling around the world, ministering to people I’ve found that the most vulnerable man are the most broken ones. They are the ones who have gone through hell and back. They’ve gone through trials, battles, challenges and may not have the perfect family background or relationship past.

Just like me.

But they are humble, they are vulnerable.

And I mean the ones that have allowed Jesus to heal them.

Vulnerability is attractive.

Most women are looking for the wrong things. They want a man with a stable job, a good income, a car.

We are looking for the wrong things. We need to be looking at their hearts just as God says “man looks at the outer appearance but I look at the heart”.

So you think a guy with a skyscraper apartment and Ferrari is attractive? How does he treat you though? Is he humble? Does he apologize? Does he say sorry? Or is he full of ego?

A man after God’s heart is attractive. He might not have the external things that the world says he needs to have but if he is in love with Jesus, you know he will do anything for you. Because a guy who knows the unconditional forgiveness and love of Jesus will love you unconditionally.

So my question is- do you know Christ love enough to love a man unconditionally? Knowing that he is not going to be perfect, that he may fail at times, that he may forget things, that he may stumble just as you do.

And do you love yourself unconditionally, the way Christ loves you?

Of course, it’s not always easy to but I believe His grace is sufficient for you and there is no need to strive but to know that His grace will always carry you.

Are you ready for love? The way God intended? Are you willing to see that there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus and that means seeing your potential spouse with no condemnation? Totally forgiven by God, despite being human and flawed, but 100% forgiven and sanctified by the blood of Jesus?

Look for a man who understands grace.

Don’t look for a man who seems perfect, look for a man who knows he is flawed but forgiven by God. Look for a man who is stable in His identity in Christ Jesus.

Ladies- too often we are looking for a guy to protect and fend for us, but are we open to seeing the vulnerable side of them? Or are we expecting them to have all the answers? Guys are not God. God has all the answers, not guys. God is your provider. God is your ultimate husband.

Ladies, we’ve put so much pressure on men to be our all that we’ve made men an idol.

God must be your all. I’ve seen men collapse from the weight of the pressures that women give them.

Stop idolizing men. They are not God. Let Jesus be your all!

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Recently God has been speaking to me about unpacking my dreams again. There are dreams I surrendered to God in the last few years to pursue His lose sheep, to pastor people. It was a great surrender. I gave up my dreams of being in Hollywood, my dreams in fashion, music, art, and more.

But He started giving it back to me. He said to start writing the book again. I found myself overwhelmed, but how and what. In my 31 years of living I’ve started many books. I wrote 100 pages of a memoir but never edited it or finished. One friend read it but he said I needed to add more stories to it.

R- I’m afraid of failing.

G- there is no such thing as failure, only stepping stones.

R- I’m tired just thinking about it.

G- don’t think about it. Think about me. Dwell in me. Abide me and the ideas will flow.

I see a vision of myself staring at a jigsaw puzzle and it’s thousands of pieces. None of them are fitted together. My eyes are glazed, I think to myself- I can’t do this.

However, puzzle pieces start moving together by themselves. I just have to move one piece as the Lord instructs and the other pieces automatically fit themselves to my piece….like magnets.

G- it’s easy. My burden is light. Don’t overthink it. I will bring everything to you. It’s not your responsibility to take care of yourself. My grace will bring it, not your striving.

R- so I can sleep in?

G- yes.

R- so I can write only when I’m inspired?

G- yes. No need to force anything. When I speak, you will write and it will be easy. My ways are easy.

R- I am scared that I will be disappointed again.

G- I am sufficient for you. Do you believe I have your best interest in mind?

R- it’s a mix of yes and no.

G- this time you will carry my heart to the nations, this time you will shine my light. It’s about intimacy with me. You can trust me. Will you trust me?

R- okay. I will trust you as I’ve trusted you all these years.

G- I will never leave nor forsake you. My words do not fail. I am your strength. I will not fail you.

Remember fulfilling dreams isn’t about accomplishing something but it’s about intimacy with me through the process just like a father loves to spend time with his children, building and creating something grand!

So it’s not about the product or the creation itself, it’s about getting to know me on a deeper level. It’s about spending more time with me. It’s about creating with the creator.

How can you fail when you are already a success in my eyes, you are already approved of because of Jesus finished work?

If there is failure it means there’s punishment. But there’s no failure in my eyes. Jesus already took on the punishment on the cross. You are free to create without fear of punishment or consequences of failure.

People who create to prove something don’t know who they are.

Kings and queens who create something out of their identity will not need anyone’s approval. They carry the fragrance of Jesus and a heart of intimacy with the Father.

It’s not about winning or being first place but spending each moment with God. That is why people are broken when they don’t win, they think winning defines them. But children of God know who they are no matter where they are in life.

God closed the door on my career a few years ago to pursue the lost sheep. Through this journey God has shown me His heart for people. In pastoring hurt and wounded people I experienced God’s love in a deeper way.

A few pictures from New Zealand. I took the ferry from Picton to Wellington. Some photos of divine encounters and a rose the Lord presented to me through someone’s jacket!

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What are you dreams? God wants intimacy with you as you trust Him and walk with Him through it all.

The story continues. I found myself at the top of a hill asking a receptionist if I could get a dorm bed. My card was declined because it had a few cents on it.

I think we often define ourselves by how much we can do for ourselves and here I was, totally dependent on the Lord.

God told me “go to Macdonald’s”.

There I sat next to a couple and asked to pray for them so I did.

At this point I’m petrified. I don’t know where I’m staying and I’m thinking I just have to ask for help.

I then tell them my story and ask for help.

The husband was very serious and refused to help. The wife kept looking at him for permission “how much should I give her?”

Remember I grew up working since I was 8 years old, selling toys after school, so asking for help has never been my strong suit. In fact, the first time I ever asked my mom for help was in my late twenties and I was deeply ashamed for needing help.

She went to her car to get some change and gave it to me. While waiting for her, her husband turned to me and said “do you always ask people for money?”

I explained that I was a missionary and that I worked all my life but learned true humility when I started to rely on God on this journey. I asked if he had any faith and he said he was later day saints.

But I didn’t sense any warmth or love. All I sensed was complete judgement.

In that moment, I felt depressed. Well, when the wife came back I was crying and she said “just wait, I’ll bring a $20” but 30 minutes later she hadn’t come. I’m sure the husband converted any thoughts of her helping me.

An old man sat next to me. God said, pray for him. So I did, however…he said no I don’t need prayer. Later God said “ask for help” so I did. I said “sir, I’m in a bit of a pickle and I need help”. He said “how did you get here? Is this faith brinking on foolishness!! I don’t care what faith you have but you got to have some sort of plan”.

Well he didn’t have any faith, and trying to explain that the Holy Spirit led me here was useless.

He tried to call the multi racial association to get help but no reply. He said “well sit here and maybe the lady will show up as I’ve told her you are here”.

How much was it that you need for the hostel? I said $25 more.

He left. No help from him.

A group of high schoolers sat to my right. I then explained my story and situation and they said they had no money. So I asked to pray for them and I saw one girl writing chapters. Her friend said “she’s drawing comics right now!”

I shared my testimony with them. It was about 5 high schoolers. I noticed that I’ve often been sharing my testimony to high schoolers- sometimes at Burger King, sometimes at boba shops. It’s how the spirit leads.

They were way more open than the elders I met.

Then I walked forward and leaned on a taxi cab. Sir my name is Rebekka, I shared my story. He gave me $2 and consented to prayer.

He was not religious at all, but grateful and told me to go into the taxi office.

I walked into the taxi office looking for Sarah. I explained my story and she said no sorry I can’t help but wait, there might be a hostel that needs help.

Side note- as a prophet, missionary, I did not expect to be working non-spiritual jobs. Though God has told me to start my coaching again, I did not consider scrubbing toilets as an option even.

Well the hostel needed help desperately. They needed a housekeeper in exchange for room and board.

Girrrrrllllllll.

I was like hell no. But this was the only option.

God I’ll submit. Even though I hate the idea.

When I got there it was like “okay here’s your dorm bed. You’ll start work tomorrow”.

Side note- I’m not even on a working visa and woofer is considered a job even though it is just trade for boarding.

Straight away I introduced myself to a couple and shared my story with them. They were really interested and I prayed for the man.

God was leading me here but I never would’ve thought this was what I would end up doing for a week. This is the open door he had for me. Honestly I felt humiliated. Perhaps there has been a bit of pride in my heart, that I would only pray and prophesy over people, but not work in exchange for board.

That I would only share my testimony but the thought of scrubbing toilets is beneath me.

I cried a lot today. I cried in front of strangers, yet in that vulnerability God showed me that somehow I opened peoples hearts to love.

I know it sounds crazy but our humanity can be so cold. Our need to have it together, our need to be put together.

The husband and wife I met today….the wife had a soft heart but the husband, was like a stout man. He was in a place to help but he had a judgmental spirit. He was filled with religious duty….he had this mentality that whatever you have, you need to earn.

And the truth is, grace is not earned.

Grace is received. That is why grace is such an unpopular concept to Pharisees. Pharisees do their part, they are model citizens (like I was before God broke me). I had perfect credit, I always paid my bills on time, but I had no mercy or love for people.

I often yelled at my brother that year he was just playing video games. I was paying rent to my mom. I was the model citizen.

I had a car and I was paying gas. I had my life together.

But see, God had to pull everything away from me to show me what grace is.

I have so much more compassion now. I don’t simply think that people are on the streets because they did something wrong, I understand their story and can love them as Jesus did.

Sure I’m not perfect but God has shown me why it’s harder for a rich man to enter heaven than a camel through an eye of a needle.

It’s because sometimes our love for money outweighs our love for people.

I’ve been there though.

And today I was on the other side.

I’ve learned to let go of judgements. Realizing I still have so much prejudice without even knowing it. Today I felt belittled by peoples’ judgements but I remember that I am living in obedience to God and not to men. That I am a child of God and not an orphan. That the very act of asking for help is more for them to open their hearts than for me to receive the help I need.

G- keep doing what you’re doing. You are breaking off the callous in peoples’ hearts. You are opening their hearts. When they saw you cry they saw their own humanity, their own vulnerability. People are icy cold, their hearts have become numb. Your vulnerability breaks open years of self preservation.

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