Women Arise!!! – Prophetic Word For Women

You need to rise because the world needs to HEAR your voice and YOUR tv show FULL VOLUME.

I had a dream where I was on a bus. In the bus were men and women but at several stops I saw young women, in their teens getting off the bus to please these men. I started shouting and asking the women to respect themselves, but they didn’t listen. I also saw blood shed and people getting murdered. At the end as I was running up the stairs to the exit, I saw a body slashed and drop under the wooden planks. The finale. Something is about to break, something that has tied you down for too long.

When I woke up, God gave me revelation. He said “you will lead a generation of women to freedom”. The men in the dream represented Shame, Guilt, Blame, and Accusation. 

When sex and any sexuality is involved in a dream it means “engagement”, “involvement”, “soul ties”. It is possible for everyone of any gender to submit themselves to the spirit of shame, guilt, blame and accusation and I believe that a generation of women has been under these for too long. God is about to set you free. 

It is NOT your fault that men harass you on the streets. It is NOT your fault that the world is the way it is and that you have been held back for so long. As hard as you tried, you felt like you weren’t making any progress.

Many of you didn’t know how to speak up for yourself, in your family, in your workplace, in politics, in your relationship. You felt muted. You felt like a tv playing out scenes but not being heard. You were muted by too many people around you. You were the pretty wife, the perfect mom but inside you were broken, you needed help, you wanted someone to see you, not for what you do for others but for who you are.

You wanted to know that “you are enough”. 

I have a word for you today!

Arise! It is time for you to take authority and say to those accusations, “I am free in Christ Jesus”. I am free from shame, blame, guilt and accusation.

Perfect love casts out fear because fear has to do with punishment. There is no punishment in love, only forgiveness and love.

You are going to rise to the top….I mean in authority over: SELF BLAME! Self hatred! Accusations! Guilt! 

You can rise to the top in everything in your life and still feel the above feelings….and NEVER feel enough, never feel like you DESERVE the life you want. 

God is saying you deserve it. You need to rise because the world needs to HEAR your voice and YOUR tv show FULL VOLUME. Your life NEEDS to be on FULL VOLUME even when it’s hard for others to hear, even when they don’t understand your language yet, even when your language is TOO sophisticated for small minds. 

 

 

 

How I was Healed of Hypothyroid

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Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING in your life comes down to one thing.

You are enough.

Or the question of “Am I Enough?” 

When it comes down losing weight – am I slim enough, am I enough? Am I beautiful enough? Am I good enough for you (in relationship)? Am I smart enough? Am I successful enough?

So I’m going to tell you my struggle this year.

I’ve been in a long season of training and waiting with God. In March, I was told by my doctor that I have low thyroid. I thought everything would be okay with my blood test but apparently there was something wrong. In slow-motion, I thought to myself “omg, this is bad”. The next few months were filled with paranoia. 

At first, I tried to eat the medicine they gave me but had horrible insomnia. The next day I called and the nurse said to eat half the pill so I did. Again, horrible insomnia and fast beating of heart. Finally, thank God the doctor said to stop eating it and just eat seaweed.

I ate seaweed like my life depended on it. Then I went to an eastern doctor and got remedies. I cooked herbs for 3 hours once every few days.

But what broke the spell for me was when I watched Joseph Prince’s message about healing. He said that the word healing had “relax” in it. The key to healing is to rest in the finished work of Jesus – “by His wounds we are healed”. 

And even if you don’t see it yet, you believe it, you speak it, it becomes your reality. You have to have faith.

You can’t believe and then continue to live in paranoia. Obviously, you still have to do the work of eating seaweed or whatever it is, but you relax knowing that God is currently healing you.

I said “God I don’t know what I’m doing because whenever I exercise too much, I get sick and whenever I don’t I feel gross and fat and since I have low thyroid I am just gaining weight not eating much. I feel defeated. I can’t do anything on my own. I believe that by your stripes I am healed“.

In May, I did another blood test and my thyroid levels were completely normal. 

Well, now it’s August and I find that I am still low on energy and feeling unhappy at times. Now I know that God is healing me but I am starting to see that the condition of my heart is closely related to “my happiness”.

God is healing my heart of old disappointments, hurt from the past and when you are going through heart healing, you may not have the energy to do things like “normal people”…

Do you ever notice when you force yourself to do something you don’t want to, you feel anxiety? 

It’s because you are not listening to your heart.

Your heart may need to lie down, mope a little. Maybe it just needs the time to do so.

Our society doesn’t teach us how to honor and protect our hearts. Society tells us to hurry up and just get over it. 

Society says, YOU ARE NEVER ENOUGH so you just need to hustle everyday, go to the gym for 6 hours a day and even when you feel good enough, you’re not enough.

But I just want to tell you that YOU ARE ENOUGH. And God loves and accepts you as YOU ARE NOW.

What about getting fit? Or getting healthy….believe that the God in you is healing you, directing you, guiding you. Listen to That within you that knows you full well.

Even when a trainer says they know better…….ask them “do you know what it means to feel enough?”

Because this society is full of people that look good on the outside, but feels LACK within. The lies we tell ourselves “I’m not enough, I don’t have what I need now, I’m never going to be enough”.

The truth- You are enough. You have everything you need now (this also relates to consumerism in our society and why we often consume in order to fill the void we feel within), you are already enough now.

What if we lived from the love and Enough-ness instead of the lack and unworthiness? 

PS- when it comes to dieting, we subconsciously tell our hearts “you can’t have what you want” which translates to “because you can’t have what you want, you don’t have enough, and YOU ARE not enough because you don’t have what you want”. So we cheat. because we are living by RULES versus desires. I wonder if that’s why people also cheat in relationships, because we are tying ourselves to rules instead of living in honesty about what we really want and need. 

Why is there a CHEAT DAY? Isn’t that the same idea as saying you can go on vacation because the work you do everyday- you hate. What if we lived in a way where we learn to honor our desires and needs? And we live out of that place of abundance. 

Having Faith Is Not For the Weak

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It’s finished.
Everything you want, that you can dream of, it is completed.
It’s finished Jesus said as He gave up His spirit on the cross.
The gospel explained. Religion tries to add works to it. Religion is us trying to work towards God, grace is God reaching us.

It is finished. Your perfect health, your provision, your dream life partner, your house, your healing of your broken heart, the restoration of your family, your retirement, your whatever you are worried about.

If you choose to believe that Jesus did it for you, then you will receive it. But you can’t plan it. You can’t humanly know how it will happen but the process is learning to trust that God is actually good.

I used to be a workaholic, I used to think I needed to prove myself. I didn’t feel complete, didn’t feel loved. I felt like if I worked hard and became successful in the world’s eyes then I would be worthy of love, then people will love me, esp my family.

In Asian culture, it is very esteemed to be a doctor or lawyer. Parents often compare their children. Even though my family was quite different, my mom as a piano teacher and my dad as a professor, my mom probably felt the pressure too to prove that her child was esteemed. Well, here I was, a fashion design major who worked all throughout college and then 9 months after graduation…but then I hated sitting at a desk…I quit my job and went backpacking for 2 months in Australia.

 

It didn’t end there. I decided I would never go back to the life of a desk slave, so I started to build my empire selling jewelry, life coaching, doing all sorts of things. That happened in 2011.

Then God led me to an unknown path and I chose to believe despite the fact that it looked crazy. I gave up everything, my ego, my money, my house, my good credit, my car, my stuff, my own plans, how I wanted others to see me. I chose the kingdom.

Ever since I was young, I had clear goals and dreams. I was aggressive in my approach and worked hard to get whatever I wanted.

Even though I am a creative, I had very clear plans for God to fulfill. But He had other plans for me. He wanted to restore and heal my heart and my identity. He wanted to show me that I was loved for who I am and not what I can achieve. He wanted to put me back into my family and show me that my family love me for who I am. 

Sometimes I listened and obeyed even when it meant getting on my knees and crying, asking God if He would really provide for me when I was alone on an island, with no friends or family.

And then He would send a total stranger to help me when I regained trust in Him. But usually it meant becoming totally helpless.

God was teaching me total reliance.

Having faith is not for the weak, it means believing for the Red Sea to part when everyone is buying wood and making a boat.

You may doubt yourself in the process, but when you see God continue to part rivers, seas, oceans for you He becomes your best friend, your father, mother, mentor, guide.

Walking In Faith Always Requires A New Level Of Trust

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(Catba Vietnam)

Whenever a new challenge comes my way and I have doubts and feelings of lack, I remember how God delivered me.

For one, as I was walking home, I thought about how whenever God called me to something, I never actually had the finances or resources for it. It required faith and trust and follow through. I had to obey and walk through the steps. I don’t know why God has given me this kind of faith or why He has required it from me, but maybe because I was born into situations that required me to have faith.

When I went to Thailand I had a one way ticket and $1000. The paycheck I was “relying” on never came through and as much as I chased down that client, I had to learn to let it go and forgive him. 

I would hear a country, a city, and go. One way tickets. There were times I pretty much ran out of money and then something would show up like the idea of selling an old tablet, which afforded me one week at a 10′ by 5′ prison celled size room.

Or how I would be dancing at a bar and a Vietnamese lady would offer to pick me up at the train station the next day and I would learn about their lives while I lived with her.

Or how I would forget but randomly mention my blog and be offered rooming for my marketing and writing skills.

But at the end of the day, God always called me to people.

He never showed me exactly what would happen, but He would tell my heart to trust Him. And I would be petrified, but I would walk forward, trusting that I wouldn’t be stranded on an island.
And that has almost happened too.

But then I’ll be eating my last $2 and then a group of travel agents would join me and ask me to drink with them. And then somehow I would become friends with people I would have never met if I wasn’t out there eating alone at Catba Island, Vietnam.

MY life is full of stories like this.

And so when I am feeling challenged, I would remember, God did this and that….and I would never fail to be in awe once again.

So whatever new challenge you are facing today, remember how God delivered you then and how our whole life is a series of trusting for the next level. 

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My couchsurfing host in Hanoi, now a sister.

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Saigon, Vietnam

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Biking in Melaka, Malaysia

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Dancing at the temple, Melaka, Malaysia

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Catba Islands, Vietnam

From Solitude to Relationship, My Path To Healing

Part of the CHALLENGE of life is finding your voice, finding what you want, and speaking forth those things...this includes finding your own boundaries and emotional space.

I was up late booking hotels for Vancouver and the rockys. And I got really anxious and then I couldn’t sleep, and then I got hungry and had to face some fears I had.

I felt out of control, but suddenly I realized maybe that’s where I needed to be. Out of control.
Sometimes things need to be out of our control so God can work. When we are gripping so hard on our plans and how we think our lives should work out, we have no room to hear God.

He said….you are enough. Dont worry about making the wrong decisions.
I get decision phobic when there are other people involved because I fear their disappointment, especially when it comes to my mom.
I am good at making decisions when I am alone, maybe that is why I like being alone. I have no one to disappoint. It is a lot of pressure to travel or even be with other people.

But I am learning it is not my responsibility to make others happy. Other people’s emotions are their responsibility.

I have been learning to set emotional boundaries for my whole life.

I like being alone. I’m good at it. I spent most of last year alone to heal. I could think clearly when I’m alone, I don’t have other peoples’ shit clouding my atmosphere.

Being alone is a safety net for me.

I know what to expect. I’m in control.

I think I’ve been so used, or perhaps I have ALLOWED myself to be so used that I no longer trust myself in relationships.

Could I speak up or stand up for myself? 

It got to the point where I just had enough and had to cut people out without explanation. I assumed that people knew my boundaries without my having to say so, but life is verbal….you must speak up for yourself and your voice matters. 

Part of the CHALLENGE of life is finding your voice, finding what you want, and speaking forth those things…this includes finding your own boundaries and emotional space. 

Emotional Intelligence includes learning how to communicate your needs and wants. 

So I was driving back from Palm Springs with my mom the other time and she kept talking and talking…my head space was getting foggy and I was WORN OUT. I was not in the space to just download crap into my mind. 

 

I said “mom, I need to rest. I don’t want to listen anymore” and she stopped talking. I was amazed by how I just simplified my life by speaking up. I thought she was angry that I spoke up but eventually I realized she did respect my space.

Relationships are not easy…with parents, with friends, with partners, lovers, spouses.

It takes work to find clarity within yourself – to see what wounds need to be healed, to see what fears have you sweating at night or stress eating (like I was last night)….but when we find clarity within our souls, it is healing, it is redeeming, it is freeing.

“I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord. He will not allow your foot to slip” Psalm 121: 1-3

I had fears that God will not be there for me to help me stand up for myself.

I don’t have the strength to always know where my boundaries are, but that is why I lean on God’s grace to help me. He will never leave or forsake me. I’m right here, He says to me. I’ve never left you. I will not leave you to fend for yourself. I love you. 

We must learn to communicate our boundaries if we are to be healed and come into healthy relationships. May this journey to be a fruitful one for you. Love and healing is worth it. You are worth it.

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The Value of Trying

Today I met with a publicist. She was incredibly nice and kind- unlike the many people I have met in LA. She offered me advice on putting together a media kit and showing companies my numbers on social media and blog.

To be honest, I was pretty overwhelmed. Because I’ve done all that before. I’ve put together media kits before. I’ve tried to show people my value….but at the end of the day, if people really truly know WHO I AM, I wouldn’t have to try so hard. Because I know what I have to offer- me. 

Not the numbers, not the views.

Me. The authentic, the imperfect, the enough me. 

Instead of being gripped by fear, I did approach some of the past opportunities that I felt like “it wasn’t the right time” to pursue last year….and even though I knew the “numbers” weren’t there. Yes, I don’t have 80,000 followers on instagram. I have over 1,200.

So I got no’s. 

But I felt relieved. 

I felt like “you know what. I actually don’t want to go down this path”.

Because I know what I have to offer is greater than numbers, followers, views.

It’s about authenticity.

I write and live out authenticity. 

I am not better or less than. 

I am who I am and I want to write about the imperfect, complicated and simple life that I have. I want to write about how I get rejected, how I get no’s, how even though my numbers and qualifications don’t add up, God’s grace is enough for me. 

And so if God’s grace doesn’t open that door for me, I know God’s grace isn’t on it. 

I want to write about the fear that is so real and makes my arms numb, about the belly fat that I sometimes loath, and how I try to do yoga at night but realize I just need to love myself for what I look like now, fully and completely. That NO I can’t get abs in one week.

Self- care.

Self- love.

Self- acceptance.

Take it or leave it. That’s me.

I’m not going to figure out how to get more followers so I can go on a press trip, because I’m more than that.

I write to change lives, to tell people, it’s okay to be authentic and imperfect…to speak your mind, to speak the truth, to be politically incorrect, to be insecure, to make mistakes. 

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I’m going to keep doing what I love and what I’m good at.

I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole of trying to be good at something I don’t like doing.

Trying and getting a “no” is better than not trying and living in fear.
Because when you get a “no” or a rejection letter, you feel relieved.

You know you can move on and no longer have to be thinking about it. You know something more SUITABLE is ahead for you.

It’s like closing a chapter and knowing that another is coming.

What doors are you leaving open that needs to be closed?

Sometimes those new doors won’t open until you say NO firmly to the last door.
If you claim it’s a new season, why are you still flirting with the past. If you claim you don’t want to, why do you keep doing it. Do your words mean anything if you don’t stick to your own intention?
Half ass intentions leads to half ass results.

Let your no be no. Let your yes be yes. And last of all, say absolutely YES to yourself.

This is me. All of me. I believe that if it’s meant to be, God will open the door. It doesn’t mean you just wait on your ass for manna to fall down from heaven…you still try, but you try knowing that rejection is just an open door to the next good thing.

Let the spirit lead. Everything has already been completed.

“You don’t have to do anything”.

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Recently I have been on a journey of becoming more free.

“You don’t have to do anything”.

I have been hearing this from God. I had an epiphany. If what I do isn’t purely from desire, then what is it? Guilt? Obligation? Tradition?

And I know people will probably oppose and say there needs to be compromise in love. I don’t know anything about marriage, I’m just talking about my relationship with God. 

It really intrigues me that people often think that if you don’t go to church, you have a disconnected relationship with God. I have learned better than to argue. Even though it still bothers me, I will state my case and move on. It’s weird how I have met tons of people that religiously attend church but never have one conversation with God. But they think they are somehow better off than those heathens who have taken a hiatus from a building that is deemed clean and holy. 

“You don’t have to do anything”. 

Love is only possible if there is freedom to choose. 

“You don’t have to do anything because you are already loved and accepted by me, as you are now. You are perfect in my eyes”. 

And then it struck me, I am free. I am free. I am free. I am free to do and be who I am. 

A lot of people who grow up in authoritarian cultures, religions and institutions are taught to ask for advice, to seek counsel, to never TRUST yourself.

Wayne Dyer said ” I’ve often said, ‘When you trust in yourself, you are trusting in the wisdom that created you.’

If we are propelled forward by total acceptance and love, then we no longer live in fear. We are no longer afraid of making mistakes. We will no longer fear that we will be rejected by peers or co-workers, or friends. We will try without fearing failure. 

I suppose it could relate to relationships and friendships too.

Would you want a friend to tell you “oh I didn’t really feel like calling you, but I did. I have so much to do and I’m so busy so I’m really taking time out to listen to you”.

It’s like “no thanks”. I would rather someone do things out of desire. 

Love as desire, Love is desire.

Sometimes you might feel hesitant to hang out with certain people, perhaps because they have changed or you have…it might be because you no longer enjoy their company and its okay to say no lovingly. I’ve realized that your friends are basically mirrors of who you are in any current season in life. So whoever you hang out more with in that season has a reflection of what your needs and wants are….and those priorities may change. Those friends may also reflect the wounds you are currently healing. In a way they might be healing from the same things. 

That’s why in some seasons you are closer to some than others. Every person has a purpose in your life, in this healing journey called life and love. 

Sometimes I have events that come up and I have to ask myself “do I really feel like attending and being AROUND people right now?” 

I’ll hear myself and my heart say “no”. And that’s basically how I have learned to listen to my heart. And sometimes it’ll say yes. And sometimes I don’t know how I feel and maybe I’ll try it because I’m a free woman…and then maybe I’ll want to go home and watch netflix and that’s cool too. 

But this is part of learning to live the life you want, the life you love. 

It’s living in love, desire and not obligation…because the more you follow our bliss, the more alive you will feel, the better you will feel.

When you feel good, you are in love with yourself. And that’s a good thing. When you are in love, lovely things are attracted to you and loving things come to you. 

Instead of obligation- desire, excitement, bliss.

Instead of fear- love, freedom, light.

A New Day: My Story of Broken to Healed

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Less than 3 years ago I was sitting in a hostel in Barcelona in a bunkbed.

I had a dream that I was to quit real estate, like not actively participate in it anymore. I had just carried a duffel across western Europe and little did I know how much that experience would change my life. It was also on that bed that I first saw Toure Roberts speak via youtube. Up until then my relationship with God was outside of institutions because well I had let go of a really closed minded institution. I grew up going to church and I didn’t realize how legalistic most churches were until I finally left 6 plus years ago.

And I saw God like I never saw Him before. Gracious, fatherly, loving, generous, slow to anger, quick to love, quick to extend a hand. 

Then like a snake, I shed everything. I shed my career, I shed my relationship, I shed some friendships, I shed my apartment, I shed my prized super comfy sofa that I really loved, I shed almost everything, the forks and plates.

I had built my life on a lie, that I wasn’t enough. 

And God would speak into those insecurities and continue to speak “you are enough right here and right now” in the next days, next year, and so forth.

I learned to love myself in the darkest places of my heart. I learned to be okay with emotions, you know the ugly ones…emotions like “Hey you hurt me” or “hey that hurt, I mind that you said that”. I learned to VALUE my voice. 

Because even now when I tell people what I’m going through they quickly remark “you are victorious” instead of being there with me in the pain. I have learned that not many people are comfortable with facing their place of pain. Reading “No More Faking Fine” has taught me to lament, to struggle with God in the pain, to be okay not being okay.  

And obviously we all hate it when people complain too much or dwell on their pain 24 hours, we hate it…yah, that’s another issue, but some of us, like me, never learned to lament.

In the months and year of feeling like “nothing was happening” God was actually healing me and replacing the lie of “I’m not enough” to “I belong, I am enough. I am loved and accepted right here and right now”. 

And in doing so, I no longer needed the attention of people…of men, or the desire to need to be wanted or chased by potential partners. I no longer needed acceptance from people. And yah, I still have insecurities here and there but I feel different, I feel at peace with who I am now. 

No longer chasing things, opportunities, friends, potential friends, potential mates…I sunk deeper into God’s unconditional love for me. 

I would no longer be defined by my accomplishments and accolades but by the tiny and still voice of “enough” and “love”.

I found God’s love to be deeply captivating, deeply protective, silently powerful. 

The breakthrough is here. The breakthrough is you. The breakthrough is YOU knowing who you really truly are.

Your Breakthrough Is In Your Presence

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How do you deal with uncertainties? Life is full of unknowns.

God often surprises me by destroying plans I had, even for Christmas. I might have assumed something but then those plans are easily pulled away from me. This week I woke up with horrible vertigo and puking. Yes, it was awful. I thought I was going to die and I prayed really hard. The sickness came and went, tried to come back again, but finally left.

I was grateful. It humbled me as well. Sickness is humbling. It reminds you, you are fragile, weak. 

I felt that the puking was like a cleanse to the negativity in my life. I realized it also stemmed from my not eating when I would get hungry. Deep down, I had some insecurities about my recent inability to exercise and was afraid that I was gaining weight. But I think deep down I felt that I was not good enough. 

During my time in bed, I kept hearing “you are good enough, you are enough” over and over again. In my inability to do anything, I soaked in God’s unconditional love for me. I was reminded that I had been trying to figure my life out again, even by planning my days, I was trying to control my life. I wasn’t handing over the reigns. 

Soon enough God heard my prayers and my mom actually took me to this Chinese medicine woman who gave me a diagnosis and some herbs. Soon enough, I was also alone again. This time a little disappointed that I would probably spend the holidays alone. I didn’t really understand what was happening.

I know that 2017 is a year of alignment, but even in those days where I’m writing, painting, watching Elementary, I’m wondering what my life will even look like soon.

What no eye has seen,
    what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”[
    the things God has prepared for those who love him- 1 Corinthians 2:9 

But today as my flesh and mind finally let go of plans and the need to KNOW, I went to the movies (which always calms me down), cried my eyes out watching Moana and Collateral Beauty (good for emotional cleansing, the movie seriously left the whole movie theater room sniffling), and then in following my desires for some food and boba, was led to divine appointments with strangers. One lady I met when I asked her about this hat I wanted to buy, I said “just to make sure, this is the English flag right?” and then I continued the conversation by asking if she was Irish and she said German. Well, since I was born in Germany, we had no lack of conversation.

Our need to know always ruins the moment doesn’t it? In the story of Adam and Eve, that is what ruined their life at first….the need to know without the relationship with God, which is based on trust. We are unable to live in the moment, to see all the beauty and love around us when we are in our head, figuring every detail of our lives out.

I remember when I was dating an ex, we went to an Italian restaurant in Santa Monica but his mind was absent. The bill was over $100 but I could have stayed at home, watched netflix and ate mcdonalds for $5. It wasn’t about our surroundings, how delicious the food was, or even how romantic the ambiance was. I thought the food was okay, but my ex said it was a waste of money and that the food was horrible. To be honest, if I was eating by myself, I would have enjoyed everything a lot more. His energy totally killed my vibe.

His mind was somewhere else and I was unable to connect with him. 

We can truly enjoy the moment when we choose to be grateful, to notice the miracle around us. Everyday is a gift. When we are present we are able to connect with the people who are around us. That is one of the reasons I love traveling because I am usually present. I see the world with wonder, everything is new to me and I am not thinking about anything else. I don’t plan either, I usually allow spirit to lead me to the right place at the right time. I follow my bliss, I follow the adventure. When I am tired, I sit down at a cafe and observe the beauty around me. By being present I meet the most wonderful people.

When I was in London, I ate at a market in Brixton and met this girl. She asked if she could share the table with me. Turns out she worked at the Globe Theatre and she invited me to watch a play with her. I was truly grateful because she gave me free tickets and I had made a new friend. I was reminded that God was watching over me in every step of my journey backpacking through Europe. I have thousands of stories like this, divine appointments I call them.

I Found My Identity In The Wilderness

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Finding our identity is probably one of live’s biggest struggle.

Ignoring other people’s opinions about who you are or who you should be and what you should do is another. It is never about what they think about you, but what you think about yourself. 

For a long time I didn’t really know who I was, I knew I had big dreams and I had visions of what my life would look like, but since every dream takes time…people simply saw my process. When people don’t see results, they start judging you big time. Even though you have only been on this earth for less than 30 years, for some reason they want you to be Richard Branson already. And perhaps it was my mistake to tell people, I basically was so full of passion that I told everyone. And then people started mocking me. 

And then I hid. 

Not in a cave, but something like one. I departed from people, cut ties with people who didn’t truly understand. I kept a few close friend and I am truly grateful for them because they have seen my journey. I believe that this season is essential. This season I call the wilderness season requires introspection and sometimes seasonal solitude. 

In the wilderness season God helped me weed out the lies…the lies of not being enough, lies that I wasn’t good enough, that I needed to prove myself….lies that I must hide myself to honor those around me (that didn’t know themselves).

It’s dishonoring to yourself to hide your light, it’s dishonoring to the creator who created you.  You are way too brilliant to be hid, you are way too beautiful to not be admired. 

But at the end of the day, you must see yourself right first. You must see your own beauty, your own brilliance, your own talent, your own genius. You must be so confident that even if others belittle you, you can defend yourself in confidence, or in confidence walk away. And oh, forgive them and not live with a false success revenge mentality (which is when you are offended and try to succeed to prove people wrong rather than doing it out of pure joy and love).

I often hear “do not engage, this is a low mentality warfare” sometimes when I hear negative remarks. I know it is their ego speaking, so I must be wise not to get distracted in low level spiritual warfare. There are so many tactics the enemy uses.

Gossip is one of the ways I’ve learned self-control. Today someone mentioned someone who was told something about someone. They were demeaning them, judging their decisions in life. I listened and then I said “we don’t know them, we don’t even talk to them, why are we judging them? And also we’ve made mistakes in our lives too, everyone has their battles”. I know that I have been there too, mistakes, failures, I am not one to judge. 

In a way, the wilderness season humbles you. It prepares you to be the great person you are, to confront giants that belittle you, tell you you’re not enough. The wilderness season prepares you to enter battles in your work, with companies, with consultants, with kings, queens, presidents. 

Interesting. What did they say about me? Well, I hope one day they know how brilliant they are too. Because I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made, loved and accepted for who I am now.