“How much I think, I can seriously think the whole day and just DROWN in peoples’ and the worlds’ sorrows. I feel like I’m melting away into the snow.

My thoughts, I am unable to share. I know that they will understand, but they are in it, how can they? How can they fully comprehend my thoughts? I cannot them either. So life it is.”- Rebekka back in March

Fallen catastrophe. Hidden lives. Steel of remaining CD-r.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

³ he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.

⁴ Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, ^[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

⁶ Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

This is a poem by my friend in Taiwan- love it!  (Mary Lindsay)

Faceless
Is the name of her pain.
Faceless
Is the form of the dark
That kisses her hair
And leaves her heart bare,
Open,
Vulnerable.
Faceless
Stops her in her tracks.
Faceless
Makes her tremble in fear.
What she can’t see,
Is all that she sees,
So she’s down on her knees,

Screaming . . .

Because there’s no face there.
A head without eyes,
And yet it sees her.
A head without a mouth,
Yet it whispers her name.
A head without a nose,
Yet it picks up her scent.
And knows where she went;
It follows.
Faceless-
Like a villain out of a nightmare.
Faceless
Traps her in a corner,
Where she cries just like a child
And wishes for the days
When Faceless
Would have a face,
And she would know
Just what she’s facing
Instead of a haunting
Image of
Herself,
Faceless.

“So maybe you’re wondering what this means. Basically, it’s up to the reader to interpret it according to their own life and personal feelings, but to me, it’s a description of the pain we all go through. We are so familiar with it, yet we cannot understand it. It’s like an image of ourselves without a face; something we know, yet something that is haunting, horrifying; something we cannot comprehend.

Maybe you are your own worst enemy, or maybe it’s something different. Whatever it is, it’s always something we cannot understand that hurts us. Even if it is the person we think we know the most.”- Mary Lindsay

i am not pure blooded

i look myself in the mirror and a hint of light brown

speckles of identity

mosaics of cultures

i am not pure blooded

but i like the way i am

So. To my grieve, I realize that down the line I will have to create a CV, which is a really really intensely long resume that Asian countries want. I guess America is just the lazy version, a one- page resume is so much easier!!! :0 seriously.

New Realizations and Actualizations:

1. I have teaching talent, have been teaching for like EVER, but just hated to admit that I would be teaching. I just didn’t want to follow my parents’ footsteps.

2. Due to my realization, I have actualized my next step by researching fashion design/marketing teaching jobs. I found Mod’Art International in Shanghai, but my friend said that they would think I’m too young (SOB)!!! I MAY LOOK YOUNG BUT I HAVE 5 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE! PROMISE. Just because I don’t look wrinkly or look like someone’s grandma does not mean I don’t have life experience…

3. This is not a realization: I just got asked to maybe go to Taiwan for a year and help out with the Youth Center. I don’t know. I’m going to pray about this one. I have to be true to the calling in my heart- or else if I listened to mama, I would forever be chained to my house.

On another note- my friend and I have started to become FOODIE ADVENTURERS-

Vietnamese House – pho 4.95 cant beat that price.

Korean BBQ house, tofu and lots of different dishes. Okay, sorry for the half-eaten look…I totally forgot to take a picture. Combo deal with my friend Shainers.

Mrs. Beasleys Muffin- ate with Audrey. 1.75 worth the fatness. Droollllll.

PappaRich located on Green St. and one street away from Fair Oaks- right next to Buca di Bepo. To be honest, this isn’t as good as the buns with butter that they have.

Don’t worry I didn’t eat all this by myself- this is my friends’ portion. This is the infamous bun.

The PapaRich doll.

Okay, yes, all this has led to me gaining a few pounds of a pounds, good thing i do pilates. lol.

(pictures taken at Venice Beach, LA)

Being Homeless is

discount markets, playplace

Eastern nails,

Express Lube

Kragen buses driving forth for another day

Dusk til dawn….

A little like standing lonely on a beach

but risking, plunging your whole body

into the icy ocean

the more you plunge, the more the temperature loosens, unpredictable mess

A little like birds flying in air, integrating the elements of disgusting drinks

and a belly full of intoxication

Falsify the beauty that i see

through these lenses

its really that time of the year

shadows evolve into stretches of hours, ticking by to remind me

its really that time of the year

Birds flock to see me

A princess arrives sitting in her Acura, driving too many miles

Remember the beach we walked on in Taiwan

not a soul was to be seen, your presence was like a strange entity, a book I never comprehended

our blood was one, those traits i inherited

are we really from the same family line?

It’s that time of the year

he learned to grieve the lost of mac and cheese,

soup and stereo

when the more poems i read, the more i forget the ghost of yours

aimlessly appearing to and fro behind the woods that carries freedom and love,

carbon and axes

recycled water and chicken and bones

The summer that will mark maybe just my eternity

or a summer that will welcome, beckon

the Great Wall of feats and failures

breaking down all inhibition

singing in a band of 5 and 7

i climbed and cried like a little girl fearful of falling

off the ladder

of great empathy.

It’s that time of year, not a soul can take this smile off my face

she learned to handle just about any situations

like curtains brushing against a stable and sandy rock

ive been through it all

just people and their heroic pride

just me and my hypocrisy

the spirit is singing lullabies

hide the doll under clouds of disparity

rain forth just another masterpiece.

The time of the year has come, I’ve prepared and prayed, sung and cried, feared and feared not, laughed and danced my way to this very eternity. The eternity of not knowing where exactly I am going, this very very summer.

Flustered albeit, just a little more of silence

Hope, unseen.

Fountain, doomed towards flowing rivers

Her hands, weak and frail, limp, fragile

I can only hold her, a little longer, hoping, hoping

Disaster won’t catch her again.

Flustered albeit, his morbid past, following him, just like a shadow

God give me a little hope, that You’re on my side, Your spirit flowing, helping, loving a little more

than I can.

For I am just.

A human. Incapable of even 8 hours of work, 2 hours of friendship, 1 hour of blogging.

A human, just like you, just like him, just like her. Frail, fragile, weak, faltering, it’s many f-words of frail. Weak.

Repeat. Rewind. Press Start to a new beginning. Cast

Off evil

Cast off past

Cast off this heavy backpack of immensity

Cast off and live, freely. Grace has taken a hold. Holding, forever, not fleeting, or escaping me.

Or the common knowledge and theme that I have known all my life- abandonment.

Love is not like any man I know.

I love this. My fav songs lately is this and Cake- Hem of Your Garment

Sublime shadows, just above my head, supporting casts of mine

i have no thing to lose but this, a sharp invasion, sword into my heart

no I dont really give a damn, but Lord help me..

can two things be reconciled, the need to leave, and the need to stay?

The need to be loved, and the need to love

no I dont really give a damn

this place and time, rainy nights and sunny days, like coverings over my head

i pull the sheets closer, i hear the cat meow, i wake up to singing birds

shanghai is calling,  LA is crying. England is winning, and LA is falling into deep abyss of dreams and coffee cups of comfort

oh Help me before i lie down and sleep again.

pretend i heard nothing, fighting

i lie awake in my dreams, i watch myself fall and rise, like a plane in the sky.

winds carry me, i carry you, what is this but utter deceit.

books flip, pages tear, screens crack, its this not knowing and knowing. hoping and praying, sleeping and waking

its you and i, its she, its he, its his scowling stare, its her utter disapproval, mocking face.

its all that and combined in one.

Lord save this fear, crumble it and toss it far into the ocean, where no pin drop of no no’s and shame will appear once again

its the whole world, come alive.