When you heal your heart, you may find seasons of seeming equilibrium, no extremes. Your old self may crave drama, it may be addicted to highs and lows, but you are a new being. You have been healed, you no longer need external validation to confirm your inner glory.
She is no longer broken, looking for acceptance in the wrong places or the wrong people. She is whole, gaining freedom in the waiting.
Her heart belongs only to the one who has freed her. She is secure in her own right, she breathes with courage. She waits when everyone runs, she runs when everyone waits. She listens to her heart because it tells her when to go, when to wait, where to go or whether to stay.
She is no longer attracted to the dark balls of illness and disease that looks for broken parts of humans to absorb and trap.
She is no longer chained to old patterns, bad boys, nice boys with manipulative tendencies, bitchy friends, gossip, bad-mouthing, she looks for peace in places. Where is the peace, she wanders there, she is attracted to light. She is light.
She would rather be alone than with bad company. She comes alive in the presence of the one who frees her, there within her heart. She lets go and flies free.
Finding our identity is probably one of live’s biggest struggle.
Ignoring other people’s opinions about who you are or who you should be and what you should do is another. It is never about what they think about you, but what you think about yourself.
For a long time I didn’t really know who I was, I knew I had big dreams and I had visions of what my life would look like, but since every dream takes time…people simply saw my process. When people don’t see results, they start judging you big time. Even though you have only been on this earth for less than 30 years, for some reason they want you to be Richard Branson already. And perhaps it was my mistake to tell people, I basically was so full of passion that I told everyone. And then people started mocking me.
And then I hid.
Not in a cave, but something like one. I departed from people, cut ties with people who didn’t truly understand. I kept a few close friend and I am truly grateful for them because they have seen my journey. I believe that this season is essential. This season I call the wilderness season requires introspection and sometimes seasonal solitude.
In the wilderness season God helped me weed out the lies…the lies of not being enough, lies that I wasn’t good enough, that I needed to prove myself….lies that I must hide myself to honor those around me (that didn’t know themselves).
It’s dishonoring to yourself to hide your light, it’s dishonoring to the creator who created you. You are way too brilliant to be hid, you are way too beautiful to not be admired.
But at the end of the day, you must see yourself right first. You must see your own beauty, your own brilliance, your own talent, your own genius. You must be so confident that even if others belittle you, you can defend yourself in confidence, or in confidence walk away. And oh, forgive them and not live with a false success revenge mentality (which is when you are offended and try to succeed to prove people wrong rather than doing it out of pure joy and love).
I often hear “do not engage, this is a low mentality warfare” sometimes when I hear negative remarks. I know it is their ego speaking, so I must be wise not to get distracted in low level spiritual warfare. There are so many tactics the enemy uses.
Gossip is one of the ways I’ve learned self-control. Today someone mentioned someone who was told something about someone. They were demeaning them, judging their decisions in life. I listened and then I said “we don’t know them, we don’t even talk to them, why are we judging them? And also we’ve made mistakes in our lives too, everyone has their battles”. I know that I have been there too, mistakes, failures, I am not one to judge.
In a way, the wilderness season humbles you. It prepares you to be the great person you are, to confront giants that belittle you, tell you you’re not enough. The wilderness season prepares you to enter battles in your work, with companies, with consultants, with kings, queens, presidents.
Interesting. What did they say about me? Well, I hope one day they know how brilliant they are too. Because I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made, loved and accepted for who I am now.
“When you are inspired by a great purpose, everything will begin to work for you. Inspiration comes from moving back in-spirit and connecting to the seven faces of intention. When you feel inspired, what appeared to be risky becomes a path you feel compelled to follow. The risks are gone because you are following your bliss, which is the truth within you. This is really love working in harmony with your intention. Essentially, if you do not feel love, you do not feel the truth, and your truth is all wrapped up in your connection to Spirit. This is why inspiration is such an important part of the fulfillment of your intention to live a life on purpose.”- Wayne Dyer
I am an artist.
It is more than a job, it is a calling. It was predestined. We are all artists in some way.
I am disturbed when people talk about getting a job to survive, I used to think that way too. I used to put bills first and passion, vision, purpose second.
I am not a survivor, I am a thriver.
I don’t merely want to survive and live a get by life, I want to live a thriving life. I made a choice to GO ALL IN, no backup plan. Let that backup plan be God. Artists are prophets. If you create in anyway you are an artist. Artists have thoughts, ideas, blabbering in their mind and they put them out into the world.They mirror the creator. Growing up I had some people comment in surprise that I believe in God as though believing in God is an ignorant thing to do and also that I was too cool a person to believe in God. I’m an artist, I create shit. Why wouldn’t I believe in God. God created things.
You know you are “inspired” or in- spirit when you have these flow of ideas and thoughts and you can’t seem to SHUT THEM UP. Like this morning I woke up to do my numero 2, and then I couldn’t go back to sleep because suddenly this thought “I am an artist….it is more than a job, it is a calling”….okay, go to sleep, but then my mind wouldn’t shut up, it was like God speaking to my mind in paragraph format and it was so detailed that I had to just turn on my computer and write it down.
“And public speaking was not a risk; it was something I had to do because I knew that I could not feel happy with myself if I did not follow my heart. The universe handled the details, because I was feeling love for what I was doing, and consequently, I was living my truth. By teaching love, that very same love guided me to my purpose, and the financial remuneration flowed to me with that same energy of love. I couldn’t see how it worked out, but I followed an inner knowing and never regretted it.“- Wayne Dyer
A lot of people ask me this question “but how do you pay the bills as a freelancer or artist?” I find that hilarious because I’ve managed to sell most of my big belongings and live virtually very free from bills. For example I haven’t had a sim card for a year and a half, I use a google number and it also keeps me from getting distracted from living in peace. I seem to have everything I need and more all the time.
And when I feel “lack” it usually comes from believing a lie that I am not enough, that I need to supplement my being by having more clothes, makeup, things.
Living in grace means my relationship and being with God comes first, my connection to God is my connection to provision.
He guides and leads me to places, opportunities, resources, money, things..and I don’t have to fret.
It’s like if someone asked “but how am I going to feed myself?” when her dad is standing right next to her with a consistent flow of sushi, tuna tar tar, pasta, steak, smoothies, etc. You get the idea. I’d be pretty offended if I was the dad. But most of us work out asses off in our non-inspired human way while “dad” is standing there with everything you can ever want or need and we refuse to accept his help.
Pride? Possibly.
So that’s where Trust comes in. Belief. Believing that He is for you and not against you. Then, listening, intently, staying close to the heart of God.
I’ve been led to impossible, miraculous things and talk to people that some would be afraid to talk to…and sometimes yah I have to get over my own fear, but I remember I am safe in God’s protection.
My craziest, well, I’ve HAD A LOT OF CRAZY travel experiences as a solo backpacker, but the weed cake in Amsterdam was PRETTY crazy.
I am not a drug user, I’ve never tried any hardcore drugs. I’ve only drank. And smoked weed (socially). But THE WEED CAKE from Amsterdam did me in. I only planned 2-3 nights there because the hostels were really expensive compared to the rates I was paying in other cities. After a 9 hour bus ride from London (in 2014), I got picked up from the bus station by a friend I met at King King (LA), which used to play really cool house music, but it is unfortunately now CLOSED. I used to go to King King with my older friends (well, not much older…haha, like 2-3 years older). My younger friends didn’t really understand what the heck it was about, you see it was about the MUSIC and the DANCING, not instagram.
Anyways, we had a meal, caught up and I went up.
It was the cheapest hostel in Amsterdam, which meant you literally lived across a 24 hour club banging loud music….I don’t know how I fell asleep at all.
But you know being semi- adventurous, I met some random friend in the lounge the next day, which happens to be purple, and he was like “hey, I heard there’s this really good weed cake, want to split one?” We found the cafe, owned by Armenians, I think, and we bought the famous weed cake he was talking about.
Anyways, we split it. We actually split it.
The last time I ate weed was when my friend made a cookie, I only ate a bit of it and when I was trying to drift off to sleep, I felt like there was a bug crawling in my stomach. Talk about paranoid.
Anyways, nothing happened.
But then I got really hungry and went to the only place I could afford with my budget, Burger King. Stupidly, I got a freaken coffee! And a meal. I devoured the load.
The coffee came sweeping up on me like a explosion of heartbeats and stars. I remembered my friend Munir told me not to drink coffee.
I was NOT okay.
I had to lie down fast or I was going to faint or have an epileptic attack.
I walked to my hostel mixed dorm room and climbed up to my bunk bed. I don’t know how much time past, but I literally saw my hand shaking. I called my boyfriend at the time, who I met in London, I said “I’m going to die, I’m dying”. He said “you sound okay to me”.
No really I’m dying.
I don’t know how much time past, but I kept staring at the clock scared that I would miss my bus tomorrow. I climbed down once, threw up, stared at the mirror, my eyes bloodshot. Was I dreaming? I climbed up again, how did I manage not to fall. I was not used to be out of control. I was a control freak really, I mean how else could I backpack on my own and not get kidnapped?
I projectile vomited a few times, one time I couldn’t hold it in and sort of sprayed into some of those Australian mates’ massive pile of stinky clothes and bags, there was even a doll in there. Like what?
The worse was when the purple swirly Victorian style wallpaper turned into Buddha. My heart was racing and this nice Samaritan gave me a drink of her water.
Later we would bump into each other in Berlin.
It was in the afternoon. I found myself playing worship music and praying in tongues. I forgave all my enemies and asked God to forgive me for hating on people.
I got my heart right somehow, I don’t know why, but I felt that if I died in that Amsterdam bunk bed, next to filthy stinky shit that belonged to these filthy mates, I’d be okay. Apparently, I even talked to some people, but half way I’d stop.
“where are you from?” – said stranger.
“I’m from LA”- Said me.
“How long are you traveling for?”
me- “uhhhh”. Blank out, I’m dying, I think.
Ran to bathroom, throw up, stare at mirror, ran back to bunk bed, am I alive, am I in some sort of Tom Cruise movie? Everything was like seconds of a film, it was a movie.
The sketch, the cafe, and the hostel cat and I recovering.
I’ll always have stories to tell. Moral of the story, some good art might come from a horrific experience, and sometimes they wake us up to a spiritual reality.
You are responsible for the well-being of your heart. Yes, you are.
You are the landlord of your heart and you get to decide who and what resides there (landlord analogy by Christa Black). When I was younger, I’m 28 now, I opened my heart to lots of people because I thought, “well I’m taught to love people right?” but that’s when I realize that THERE IS EVIL out there. Real evil. And then I got frightened and closed my heart up after too many evil encounters. Thank God I’ve been healing from those manipulative encounters and learned to guard my heart.
I learned that it is important to have boundaries in your life. And you have to SPEAK UP for your heart, it’s your responsibility YO.
Which leads me to the whole controlling Asian parent thing again.
Recently I’ve been blessed with good food and have eaten well. It’s just this season of rest and getting fed. Well, my mom mentions a couple of times that “watch your weight”, your legs are getting fat or your stomach is getting fat.
And as you can see, I’m not an obese person, I’m a pretty skinny Asian woman that happens to have curves. (This just goes to show the impossible culture Asians live in).
I was totally fine the whole day, had no neck aches and for me when I have neck aches it is usually because I am fearing something.
SO at night I start getting these crazy painful neck aches and I start to do my inner healing, meditation, prayer time with God. I ask Spirit what the hell is going on. I look back on the day. I mean I had really great food, got this amazing dress from Nordstrom, felt so alive and free all day. I felt abundant.
Then it struck me, that moment when my mom….instead of saying “wow I had a great day with my daughter”, she said “your stomach is looking fat, watch yourself”.
Gosh, how encouraging.
So in that moment, subconsciously my self worth was struck down and subconsciously I heard and felt in my spirit “You’re not enough, you’re not good enough”.
Wow. I love healing sessions with God.
So then I start planning a speech about what I’ll tell my mom, how I’ll speak up for my heart so that I can protect it in the future. Then I have this crazy dream about a childhood friend who I am no longer friends with due to parental conditions (aka controlling Asian parents who basically took control of our friendship and ended it with, well their controlling spirit). 3 times I ask her what’s wrong, no answer.
Finally she tells me “my mom died”, I hug her and we cry and cry. Then my mom comes in and questions what I’m doing. And the light bulb went on. When do Asian kids ever grow up? Some of us, without knowing it, are still being controlled by our parents. We feel out of control, we view God like our parents…unrelenting, angry, controlling.
In Asian culture, there is no such thing as GRIEVING, we are taught to get over it, cover it up, Asian moms don’t really have much capacity to comfort or tend to your emotions (I’m talking about the older generation, now not all moms are like that but I have seen a lot).
So in the grieving, pain process, we are often commanded to ANSWER TO and name WHAT IT IS we are going through. And as you know, grieving is messy, you can’t always name it. People want to KNOW shit because they feel like they are in control if they know what it is you are going through.
Some Asian adults still feel that they are seriously unable to make their own decisions. They feel powerless in their own lives and a victim of circumstances.
Well, after my dream….I knew I had to just speak up.
“mom, can you not say anything negative about my body? It hurts my heart and honestly if I want to exercise or lose weight I will, but that’s my own decision. This is my body, not yours”.
And with that, she said okay, as long as you yourself know.
And even if I sometimes feel insecure, I know that this season is actually a blessing.
Why? Because most of the time when I’m traveling I’m losing hella a LOT of weight and I barely have an appetite sometimes, like in Cebu, Philippines, I was shitting out water, or food that turned to water, okay I know Too Much Info.
Which leads me to my point.
I once heard a relative of mine say after I chose DISTANCE from certain people in my life that “people have a right to their opinions about you”. Well I have a right to “who I want in my life and what opinions I want to hear” because most peoples’ opinions ARE NOT truth about who you are in LOVE.
Because LOVE feels good, love FIRST tells you your true identity, then in the encouragement, propels you TO DO GOOD….not the other way…like when people yell at you and tells you “you suck” and think that ‘s going to encourage you to change. LOL.
So guard your heart because out of the heart comes all the goodness and junk of life. You have a right to say NO and TO create healthy boundaries, use your speech, speak up like I did.
PS- I love Asian moms, don’t get me wrong. Not all Asian moms are this way. There are many reasons people become controlling or negative, most of the time they are speaking out of their own insecurities. AKA my mom just bought this weird massage tool that is supposed to massage the fat out of her body. I love my mom- she is REALLY amazing. Sometimes I have to write about her because well, it’s my experience and I believe it can free others.
This article doesn’t just apply to Asians or moms, or women, this applies to ALL HUMANKIND. Maybe even animals. I pray this article may help free you to LIVE IN FREEDOM!
God is not in the distance, God is here with you, I am right here. I am not when you get the new car or find a new friend or relationship, I am here and now.
I found myself holding my breath and walking fast, I want to get home so I can relax. I hear “I am here within you”. GOD is with me, wherever and whenever, I dont have to wait to get somewhere else to access His presence. When we get anxious we forget that God is in control of our problems, we are not alone.
GOD IS NOT INTERESTED IN ONLY SOLVING OUR PROBLEMS, He desires a relationship where we can vent to,talk to and reason with Him…where we can be emotionally vulnerable. God is not interested in human strength, in fact he says “in your weakness I am made strong” or I would say “in my weakness God’s strength comes through the more”. That is why he loves when we come asking for help, he loves our confusion, he loves the tears as we finally come to the end of ourselves and to the beginning of God miracles.
Well, not all of you. Hopefully not the majority. But I sense that you are reading this because you want a life of authenticity. You’ve been living a lie, the lie that because you are NOT ENOUGH, you have to keep striving, to be someone, to be great, to be successful. It’s all a lie. Indeed, we are not perfect, thus we are not enough on our own. We are not enough, but we are enough in the eyes of the infinite source that sustains us and keeps the universe running, the one who keeps the stars up, the sun shinning everyday, the moon appearing at night. If us humans can build such beauties as the eiffel tower, who built the ocean, who built the mountains?
Yes, rush around, rush around. The message of the day is – you are not enough, so you must try harder, work harder, put in more hours. Isn’t it? We need to attend to this urgent matter because we will lose lots of money and after 30 years of trying harder, we fall into our death bed, or we rush around with panic attacks, soon getting into a car accident which then cost us everything we’ve worked so hard to earn.
I hope this will wake people up. It all seems very positive, “all success takes hard work”- that’s a lie. How about someone who wants to be a CEO of a company and he works very hard scrubbing toilets, yet never putting into action what he really wants to do and wasting crucial years of his life. How about “BE harder”. I know that sounds strange.
Be- stop everything and be and breathe. The birds of the air do not store up what they’ll eat next, they trust and take it one day at a time. Be, because who you are attracts everything that you are- including quality people, resources, wisdom, wealth.
Some of us have been told growing up that we are not enough. Some of us, like myself, were also told that “you should be thankful, I could have left you or given you up for adoption”. I felt like a burden. I’m sure you’ve felt that way, that you were a burden so you needed to work hard to prove you were someone of worth, or that you could be independent and not be a burden on someone. I started working when I was 14. Actually I started when I was in 3rd grade.
I’ve always been entrepreneurial, but I wonder when that entrepreneurial free spirit then became a burden when I felt that I had to use it to prove my worth. My gifting became a curse because of the fearful motivation beneath it all.
I felt that I was not enough alone, as a human being, imperfect yet brilliant, a design, a marvelous light of energy.
I trust that this post will open the hearts of many to sit down and think.
You see, everyone identifies with something, a label. Whether it is a son, daughter, mother, father, designer, architect, writer, etc..none of that matters. We are often given a role and have expectations put on us. Some of these expectations are preconceived, from many years of society telling us what it should look like, some of these are purely manmade, reflections of what another person lacks and needs.
In the eyes of infinite source, we are magnificent, and we should create our life work, our life expression out of authenticity, out of being, out of wanting, out of desire, out of passion, not out of pressure. You see, the sun will still rise, the sun will still set everyday. What are we rushing around for? When we are rushing around, we are not living in the moment and before we know it, we’ve spent 80 years of our lives, rushing to our deaths and not remembering one minute of it.
Get away from all the voices and be still.
What do you hear?
Feel free to comment below, I’d love to hear from you!
Rebekka Lien 