what is home when it has become prison

Release me from this prison called home dwindling into pieces and echos

the food delicious has gone awry with anger and tears

release me from this prison called home

this expectation that shadowed your head all your life is meant for you to forgive

not for me to carry as a burden on my back

sorry to you. that you gave birth to me

sorry to me maybe that i was born.

but i was born with a clean slate. and ima keep clean from the past

whatever it takes, God release me from this prison. or make her somehow face her pain.

it is not mine to carry, release me please.

i am not god, nor am i able to be a security or happiness for anyone. no one i must say.

what is home when it has become. just that. a prison of expectations?

What I’m doing this Summer

“Contemporary Chinese History & Society is the core course for a 6-week summer study program based at Tsinghua University in Beijing, China’s top-ranking institution of higher learning. The course is designed to help students develop an understanding of China’s historic, economic, and social transformation, its emerging role as a world superpower, and the global implications ofthis transformation. It also seeks to promote understanding and appreciation of contemporary Chinese culture so that students can become bridge-builders between North-American and Chinese people.

Tsinghua professors will begin with an overview of the cultural-historic foundations against which contemporary China is understood, including the early development of Chinese civilization, hallmarks of traditional China, early East-West exchanges, and the historic significance of China. The focus will then move to key concepts and historical developments in China from mid 1800’s to the present, with emphasis on understanding the worldview of the Chinese people, including China’s interaction with the West, with a focus on the last 100 years. This interdisciplinary course provides insight into China’s contemporary social and cultural issues with an overview of its political system, economic system, social structures, as well as the non-profit and religious sectors. Examining a broad range of topics from an interdisciplinary perspective, students are asked to think creatively and critically about the profound socioeconomic transformation that China is currently undergoing and how these changes are impacting the Chinese people as well as China’s larger role in the global context.

The course also features a two-week service learning project in rural western Chinese where the students will teach in a local middle school, partner with a local community development center, and learn the basic principles of ethnographic social research as they conduct research in the local community. The course offers a total of 24 lectures, integrated with 12 cultural and historicsite visits, a two-week service-learning project in western China, and other experiential learning activities.

http://www.globalstudieschina.com



Wisdom’s Call

Plum Flowers

I had a spontaneous urge to go to the LA zoo, I did not find the animals as attractive as the flowers. It was a hidden gem most peoples walked by. But I did learn much about human nature and life in general. My goal is to scour LA before I am to leave, not knowing where and how long I will tread the earth.

Regarding Wisdom- note that this whole part is talking about WISDOM. When it says “I” it is talking about wisdom.

Proverbs 8: Wisdom’s Call

1 Does not wisdom call out?
Does not understanding raise her voice?
2 On the heights along the way,
where the paths meet, she takes her stand;

3 beside the gates leading into the city,
at the entrances, she cries aloud:

4 “To you, O men, I call out;
I raise my voice to all mankind.

5 You who are simple, gain prudence;
you who are foolish, gain understanding.

6 Listen, for I have worthy things to say;
I open my lips to speak what is right.

7 My mouth speaks what is true,
for my lips detest wickedness.

8 All the words of my mouth are just;
none of them is crooked or perverse.

9 To the discerning all of them are right;
they are faultless to those who have knowledge.

10 Choose my instruction instead of silver,
knowledge rather than choice gold,

11 for wisdom is more precious than rubies,
and nothing you desire can compare with her.

12 “I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence;
I possess knowledge and discretion.

13 To fear the LORD is to hate evil;
I hate pride and arrogance,
evil behavior and perverse speech.

14 Counsel and sound judgment are mine;
I have understanding and power.

15 By me kings reign
and rulers make laws that are just;

16 by me princes govern,
and all nobles who rule on earth. [a]

17 I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me.

18 With me are riches and honor,
enduring wealth and prosperity.

19 My fruit is better than fine gold;
what I yield surpasses choice silver.

20 I walk in the way of righteousness,
along the paths of justice,

21 bestowing wealth on those who love me
and making their treasuries full.

22 “The LORD brought me forth as the first of his works, [b] , [c]
before his deeds of old;

23 I was appointed [d] from eternity,
from the beginning, before the world began.

24 When there were no oceans, I was given birth,
when there were no springs abounding with water;

25 before the mountains were settled in place,
before the hills, I was given birth,

26 before he made the earth or its fields
or any of the dust of the world.

27 I was there when he set the heavens in place,
when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,

28 when he established the clouds above
and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,

29 when he gave the sea its boundary
so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.

30 Then I was the craftsman at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
rejoicing always in his presence,

31 rejoicing in his whole world
and delighting in mankind.

32 “Now then, my sons, listen to me;
blessed are those who keep my ways.

33 Listen to my instruction and be wise;
do not ignore it.

34 Blessed is the man who listens to me,
watching daily at my doors,
waiting at my doorway.

35 For whoever finds me finds life
and receives favor from the LORD.

36 But whoever fails to find me harms himself;
all who hate me love death.”

What does it mean to wait at the doorway?

Stop this history

Usually I’m sitting, folding into space

Other times I’m thinking in deep void

Silence praying even in sobriety

Words are simple glances into the past

past I hold.

Dreams everyday I dream in living

Dawn has spoken, birds have spoken, I have not.

Logistics, thoughts of fear, adventure, unspoken mystic

even when i speak, i am a forgotten lily in the field, withering inside

so ill fly away for now and come back when you’re ready

freedom cometh only when you let yourself be free

She once fought blood and gore on the battlefield. Who can know her story?

A man once laid in bed for 8 years, a wife feeding and mending.

She died of disease. Grief.

Daughter, daughter, daughter you were only in your 20s. You lived on. Onto

lands of mafia, blues, piano sounds tinkling, german poetry, silence again.

Stop this history.

Stop this history.

Start with me.

Mountains are reflected in Streams

I’m currently reading a book called The Good Woman of China, stories about, I feel the suffering of women during mostly the cultural revolution. This quote really struck me:

“Jingyi said hat women were like water and men like mountains- was this a valid comparison? I put this question to my listeners, and received almost two hundred replies in a week. Of these, more than ten came from my colleagues. Big Li wrote, ‘Chinese men need women in order to form a picture of themselves- as mountains are reflected in streams. But streams flow from the mountains. Where then is the true picture?'”

I find this to be sad- personally I have a pretty skewed view of males, chinese males to be specific that I will not speak of in my public blog. However, I do not put my hope in human beings anyway, we fail each other constantly, it is human. We just gotta roll with the punches and believe in a God who can transform rags.

Alice In Fru Fru Land

I call Alice in Fru Fru Land because everything was so fru fru and pretty. We went to go watch the midnight show, opening night. Whoever did the costume design, I LOVE IT. But that’s pretty much it. The special effects, 3d, trippy motions, and colors made it awesome. I can’t say the plot was any good, I mean it’s just what it is. It went by really fast. I was just dazed and confused, everything was popping up out of nowhere, running around and falling down.

Fashion At Its Wildest

Found this Japanese streetwear. I love her vibe, but wonder if adults will ever take her seriously. I still love it though.

Born Unique

I cant stop thinking about why some people are born certain individuals and why i was born so unique. Its hard to accept my path I guess…is it pride or inadequacy? Maybe it’s fear, or maybe it’s sympathy for others, or maybe it’s envy? Or maybe it’s all. I can’t wrap my head around this.

I will forever grapple for it. Or have simple faith that there is a purpose for everything. Sometimes I wish I could be okay with settling, with being complacent…but after 10 seconds I change my mind and take it back God. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else.

I wouldn’t want to walk any other path. Though I am walking towards the unknown, my God is bigger than my small fears. Though I can’t see the good things that will come about, the wonders of new culture and change, right now, all I can think about is the friends and family I’m leaving behind.

Random Clip from Magic 2010 Feb:

A Sweet Sweet Goodbye- Reflecting Written Scribbles

:Picture I took while driving, after the rain.

As you all know, I am a vigorous journaler (that’s not a legit word). If everything burns down in my house, I know the things that are most important to me (besides my family members of course) are my journals. 10-20 books, small and big, furry covered, some plain, some colorful, some self- decorated, some given as gifts, but all so precious to my soul, they carry the hurts and joys of my life….the long life that I’ve seem to live at 22.

August 07 Japan- saying goodbye to Japanese students

“I dont even know what the date is, but its the last day of camp. Its the first night I’ve really noticed the stars- I can’t help crying, it was 7 weeks of my life and once again I’m bawling. My stomach hurts. Maybe no one cares. Maybe I don’t mean that much to them, but in my heart they take a special space. God its a sweet sweet goodbye. I don’t know if this will happen everytime- But it seems to. And I know time will pass- a simple memory.”

November 13, 08 Utter Turmoil, Music To describe. Unexpressed.

“Can anything describe the pain I’m going through? We’re so put together, all of us.

Every single person walking on this earth…she keeps denying the pain in my heart. Everytime I express my hurt, my feelings, she rebuttals with “but…you know you shouldn’t”. Everything she says is bad. Why am I so worried about my career. Aren’t we just longing for acceptance, fulfillment, significance, importance, belong, recognition, love? The more I cover it, the more it hurts, then something small happens and everything is triggered, comes spilling out. She won’t acknowledge anything I express to her, it has brought me to a place I want to shut my self forever and just die in the earthquake B. told me about today.

Solomon was so right. Everything is vain, in vain. The good times we have will only lead us to heartache, slowly our hearts covering layers and layers of pain. Even the most uncry-able people, they probably have the deepest hurts. God it hurts so much I can’t stop crying, my eyes are pulsing steadily, unyielding.

Even as I fall, I am reminded of how dangerous living a righteous life could be. I’m FALLING APART, but wishing I’ll never be put together again, because then at least, I don’t have to unconsciously live a put together life. Even

if I’m fallen pieces, at least I’ll continue to know to rely on God, when I’m put together- I remember the brokenness and even share about it. But soon a glass window rises up, dust gathers, and a small facade, things in my heart gather. When we think we’re at our best, something slowly creeps up on us.

The accumulation of stress. Trying to find fulfillment in my job. Promoting myself, improving my skills, reaching the Bible, talking to God on the surface, bitterness towards my ma, and at worst, verbalizing and apologizing-

BUT having it waved off. Deep down I long for recognition. I want people to recognize the beauty of my music. But in the process of that I’m playing music out of my flesh, not by the Spirit. Remember how I used to play cello for auditions and pray. I would tell God, “I know you gave me this gift, and it’s yours, not mine, so put me where you’d want me”. I FORGOT THAT COMPLETELY. I didnt even pray. I didn’t even think of it being God’s. I knew I had played out of my own human power and skill- DEAD. SO DEAD. It was not the same when I asked and recognized God’s divine beauty and enablement for beauty to flow out of creating music….it is a sort that touches your heart, where your whole life, your experience, your brokenness, sufferings, joys, confusions, your life is simply poured out into the music….it is poured and flowing through my music into peoples’ hearts.

This is not something normal people would understand where technique and skills is the sole indicator of musicianship- where music is simply about notes, rhythm, the exact and the precise. They forget without heart, without passion, without emotions, without pain and laughter, without a life fully lived and felt, music would be a simple commercial product. Music would be stripped of the story behind it, of the story weaved into it…I know, even now, I cannot write or even think of writing something like this, without the Spirit having inspired and putting words in my mind.”

December 30.08

“Vision keeps breaking through and must find means of expression”

“But the only way we can brush against the hem of the Lord, or hope to be part of the creative process, is to have the courage, the faith, to abandon control”

May 7, 09

“I have seen the depressing depressions of those that have it all. They are not as happy as I. I am even more content than them. At times, I see them grasping for meaning, I have already found my meaning and purpose. Now I think about it, God is hilarious. He picks a college student who has nothing. Nothing to lose, to give advice and counsel to those that are business women and men, grandma and grandpas, gansters, 30 to 70 year old “Adults”….what do they have to offer me that I didn’t already receive from God? It is laughable. Yet somewhat too humbling to think God is all about using the weak to lead the strong….

I am a dead woman walking.”

*********These 3 months I am going to attempt to type up all the journal entries just in case their is a fire.

Forgive me for not facing pain

Faded voices, unable to speak. Instruments banging on my head, frustration convulsing.

Nobody raises your voices. Just another night to stare deep into the moon. It only takes one moment…that reminds you

of your inadequacy, the pain subsiding and convulsing, reminding you of things you don’t want to remember. A missing link, an absent aroma that never showered confetti upon a cherished heart.

Nobody raise your voices, I’m just another hollowed being. I cant speak enough, the words aren’t good enough. So i just stare a little harder, hoping that face to face, we will face pain. Rain showers. Shutters, flashes, shoes, curtains, watches, i remember you by the watch. This shop was gone long ago. We shut it down, one by one.

I’ve gambled away all my thoughts, hoping these seed scattered grows one day. Into flourishing greens. Birds can sing and flowers can dance. Until then, let me laugh a little and let go of this inhibition that binds me. Society, at its best. I’m choosing to sing down Colorado, with my umbrella held high, melodies only i can understand. Catching in the wind. She smiles at me.

Maniac. Nobody raise their voices when they’re alone. I’ve listened to this song a hundred times and walked this rugged path a million. Singing when I can’t. Bloody with wounds of despair and pain. Too deep to understand myself. Faces, ugly momentums of cars, rain, and blood. Bring me hope when I can’t. Every time I drink in this experience, I am reminded I have one hope. And then i can laugh again.