we must change ourself to change our circumstances

Now, you say the world is against you, people are belittling you and so on. I say you are belittling your own powers.

This revelation came from my broken bed. First I had troubles getting money from people who needed to pay up, then I threw up shards of food, then my bed broke and I thought “why!!?” This is not fair; why me.

Oh then self pity. Then why did I lose my friends. Oh weepy. 

Then god divine knowledge pouring forth non stop. 

Will I choose to let love reign? 

Or will I let ego reign? 

Do I need anything apart from myself and god? 

No. 

I no longer needed, wanted. 

I had it all.

Jesus asked the lame – do you want to get well? He meant “do you want to go through the painful transformation of letting go of ego and self pity to become well?”

Release. Release.

What is it you need to release because dear child, everyone and everything around you is simply a reflection of what needs to be changed within you.

Does someone hate you? Maybe you hate yourself. Choose to love yourself.

Does someone owe you money? Maybe you don’t think you’re worthy, choose to be worthy from within and all will be released in perfect time. 

I noticed that day one I was creeped out by an old man in the hostel and now, he no longer bothers me. I was creeped out because he represented my fear of loneliness> what if I was 85 and with no one to love? 

Now that’s a lie. Because whether I’m alone or with someone I am love.

So who in your life represents your fears, joys, love? 

Because you have to be responsible for you. Not anyone else. 

First time throwing up after bad food.

Unfinished business back home.

And where is home. In my heart.

I live out of a duffle bag. 

Last night when a beautiful cascade of ugly remnants came belching out of my stomach, I really thought to myself “omg why am I here”.

We see pictures of beautiful beaches and we want to be there, but what is the reality? 

Sometimes unclean food, bad water, nagging sales people trying to sell you henna tattoos on the beach, headaches, missing macaroni and cheese, chipotle, fries…and here in kata beach, I am missing McDonald’s. I know, sounds ridiculous…but when you’re not a tourist and simply living in different countries, the story is different.

Well, I’m not going to dismiss the fact that yesterday when I was walking aimlessly, my friend from the birthday party that I accidentally walked into gave me a moped ride and later the guy gave me a ride on a stallion around town. A chopper. 

Omg was I in heaven.

And thank god I didn’t throw up then. 

Let’s just say it’s been a heart journey of trusting God.  

On Saturday I walked past a bunch of people eating scrumptious shrimps and seafood and asked them “how much”, they ended up inviting me to eat with them. 

Before you know it I am their honorary american friend who speaks little Thai. 

Everyone here owns a business. Nan owns a papaya salad store, another owns a small bar, then his friend owns a tattoo shop…the Malaysian owns a gift shop…after work everyone drinks together. 

Thais are rather communal and I like that about them. 

    
  
What a beauty   

the truth will set you free but it’s not always easy to hear 

Because it exposes the untruth, the unsettling feeling that we are not yet there yet 

But in reality we are already there, arriving is when my soul leaves my body at the point of death so I am traveling until the day I die. 

There is no such thing as stability except in the heart

Today my stomach is grumbling because I have let go and believing, I arrive. 

I remember who I am when I believe

Fear feeds the ego and arriving, I am only spirit 

  
Today I choose to let go of what people think of me, what I think of myself or judgement. I receive unlimited blessings and provision in spiritual, emotion and materially.

I now speak life to my spirit and create a spiritual protection over my thoughts and heart so no ill intentioned, manipulative being can touch the purity of my heart. 

I release what is no longer mine and what is mine, I receive with gratitude. 

In Jesus name amen 

My Teeraya family!    
  Sheree and I  
Hair twins 

10 days ago I came to Chiangmai sad to leave the boys in Bangkok, 10 days later I’ve walked away from a soul sister who sees the gift in me as I prayed for. My luggage is lighter, I’ve given away things but also bought things I like. 

In 10 days I learned the power of light in darkness, how darkness seeks to diminish the light but has no real power. 

Seeing my friend get hit by a car right in front of my eyes shocked my whole heart. I couldn’t sleep for several hours as I replayed the event. It could have been me, we could have both died, but somehow we were saved and a whole pack of people came running out of the back of a bar ready to help.

I used to have friends that were playful, we would go clubbing together, spend nights talking and drinking wine with Cheetos. I closed my heart when I lost them and felt that I could never find like minded friends again, who shared the faith and the play. 

I’ve been recovering the loss ever since. 

In a sense, I’ve learned to set boundaries but I’ve also learned to cherish my own heart. Today as I got on to the tuk-tuk, I couldn’t help but weep. I had the best 6 days with an amazing soul. We rode a moped out of the city, rode under a bridge with pot holes (imagine a scary movie), found a restaurant by the lake, danced the night away, talked about the purpose of healing our hearts- being a positive light in this world, seeing symbolism in things, even envisioning me with a private jet, a black outfit and heels saying “jump in baby!!”

We had lots of inside jokes such as “you want elephant tour??” 

And remembering how I would say “you’re so pretty” to a Thai lady and she saying back to me “yah, ok, goodnight” instead of “thank you”. 

Perhaps it is truly knowing that your time with each other isn’t forever as we live, but that you shared something special in the realm of traveling in a foreign country that makes the moments last forever.

I traveled from Los Angeles, she traveled from Melbourne, we met in Thailand. We were strangers before, me in the pool, her smoking her cigarette. Our worlds collided, our friendship arose out of our individual ashes of the past and helped to begin our new journeys into the new future. 

My work is done in Chiang Mai, I’ve met my appointed encounter. Now I travel to Surat Thani, I am currently on a 13 hour train to Bangkok, then I’ll get on another train to Surat Thani.

Then I’ll decide as I follow spirit. 

I switched to another hostel since I’ve been in Chiangmai. 

I was hoping for more like minded friends and met this Australian girl who has very similar mindset…and we talked about sitting with a feeling.

I’m learning to accept and love myself even when I don’t feel so swell. 

Life is a big dance, we can either live in the past or keep creating new moves…without much thought but really loving the moment. 

The big transition I’ve been feeling is not knowing where and when I’ll go next- but isn’t life like that? 

Never certain but we shall dance. 

    

  Ok don’t kill me, I know it’s not ethically sound…but I can’t fork out 4,000 baht the type of ethical tour that those girls who travel recommend. Plus I had the time of my life river rafting, apparently the sanctuary tour was not so great according to the other Americans.

I rode on its back with a rope to hold onto. Now my crotch hurts. 

I joined a group, two Chinese women and their kids. The lady kept forcing her 3 year old child to eat the whole plate of pad Thai and I just had the worse flashbacks of sitting at the table until I was done eating…this usually took an hour while my mom took a nap.

She also kept saying “hurry!!!”

Geez lady you’re on a fucking vacation, chill the fuck out.

This 3 year old I hope will not be forced into a striving lifestyle….it took me years to break out of. Now I live in grace and ease…or try anyway to receive the plentitude of rest the divine has for me.

I had to step away from this aura. 

I’ve made many acquaintances here and am getting to know the locals here, but no one who thinks on my level of depth…I am grateful for my friends. 

  

Yes this is obvious. 

I’d like to write a bit about why I don’t see things the way a lot of tourists see things here. First of all, I’m not white. I understand Asian culture as I’m Asian, the way the see farangs, it’s the money. Ok yes they might truly be nice but the whole city is made for tourists. 

Then because I look Thai, I get the most disgusting stares from white men.

Yes, men who are looking for prostitutes.

Which makes me even more uncomfortable because i am in between being a traveler and being a young attractive women. 

Men in the states would not dare look at me like that. It’s rude. 

And I am not look for debates, I am being honest with how I feel. 

  

Well I’ve been having intense dreams the last few days, witches and serpents, doomsday ones. Today I felt led to a nail salon in the red light district, I can’t even remember the street but I know it’s on the way to the night market.

Adam is a white Australian man, his girlfriend is Two, the most amazing nail artist ever! Well, I was blessed with finding out about 

Chiangmaiwanderings.com 

It’s amazing how you can get to know a person through their blog. I’m a bit addicted to this blog and hopefully I can read every post. It’s about the red light district from Adam’s point of view….it’s most things tourists don’t know. I learn today that a Gik is like a side girl, and if you’re a foreigner with money you’re allowed to have many. 

Oh and I also noticed white guys here have this really annoying douche bag strut, like they’re bros or something.

Why????

Check out Two Beautiful Nails on Facebook!!!    
  I am loving the Thai babies here, so cute!!!  
I’m becoming a Thai local, yesterday I got invited to karaoke with the nail ladies because they taught me how to say “man me fan” which means I’m single or no boyfriend. 

Apparently it’s normal for people to party every night. I haven’t even had a beer in Chiangmai. 

Xoxo Bex