Trust Issues

Oh God I have more issues than I thought.

Trust issues, daddy issues, self reliance issues.

You know why people who are independent are actually the ones who need the most help? Because they are awfully scared of disappointment. They’ve been let down by a parent and are trying to not need anyone.

And that’s how I grew up, fiercely independent. Time and time again I would trust someone and they would let me down so I thought it might be better to trust no one.

But now in India I find myself opening my heart and feeling like if at any point I’m disappointed I’ll walk away. I can just leave.

And then I wonder why I can’t seem to have a normal relationship. It’s easier to meet someone overseas for a week than to find someone who is willing to commit. And perhaps I’m deathly afraid of commitment because my 2.5 year marathon of committed relationship turned sour. It dragged on even though I knew he wasn’t it.

God’s like okay girl you need to work through your issues.

But I thought I was healed. Then it all starts coming out like a leak in my heart. There’s a crack, and it’s leaking the issues.

I’m surprised when people are kind to me.

I think they have an ulterior motive.

But there really are kind people in this world. Some people who have connected with me in the last few years are my mother, brother, sisters, fathers. God does heal the wounds that keep you hidden. He wants us to come into the light and open our hearts to people.

Yesterday I had a dream I was going to my old church and people were kind to me. I couldn’t believe it. My heart felt full.

“Do not be afraid, you won’t be put to shame; do not fear disgrace, for you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.” Isaiah 54