For awhile I really didn’t understand why people took Xanax and other antidepressants. I had and have many friends that have sudden panic attacks. Yesterday lying in bed, I finally understood.
After moving out and becoming independent, I felt this HUGE gap of isolation. Your “real” family is dispersed and you are really on your own. It’s a sense of liberation and loss at the same time. Your life is constantly changing and with change comes new things.
The reality is: Every season of life requires a time of grieving.
Time is not linear. Time is abstract. Everything is spiritual, everything is connected.
When a season of life passes, when what was “stable” leaves, there is something inside your spirit that grieves. However, the western world is so practical, that this grieving time is looked down upon. Grieving is healthy.
Yet, even lying in bed thinking about my aunt who passed away…I wonder, how did I grieve the loss? I just didn’t think about it.
I am happy, I am mad, I am angry, infuriated, I am happy.
I smile without notice, I laugh and am insecure.
This is what I am now, yet not forever.
I hold onto the little joy I receive, cherish it, hold it wishing those moments will never pass.
Her smile radiating.
Her own pains reflecting mine. Her past like a mirror of mine, noting all the segments of hurt.
I am, you are. Love, intersecting. Intersection of love and pain, bittersweet, life.
Sometimes I cry and feel this deep pang inside of my heart, rising up near my throat. My neck and shoulders tense up and I feel this harsh tenseness that won’t release me. I giving up, letting go, forgiving. I am, a woman, a woman who holds her own.
No one is to blame. It’s time to release myself to the future which awaits a queen of promise. She is like the girl that held onto her teddy bear, waiting for her mother to come home each day. Waiting, her future. Waiting, her parents. Waiting, always, for that which never came. One day she found out that what she wanted was right through the door. All she had to do was walk through a painful journey of accepting, healing and releasing. She realized that no one is to blame, that everyone has their own door to walk through. Her job was to walk the journey in strength and love. All she could ever do was to be herself.