Wealth In Your Soul

I think it’s important to dissect and evaluate our values, our perspective on wealth.

My friend had some really great points during our discussion on our lives.

What is wealth? And why do we value it. Wealth is usually associated with money, but think about the following:

1. What if you had all the best clothes, but had no friends to go out with to wear your nice clothes?

2. What if you had all the money in the world, but had no mental health to even walk outside and work, function?

3. What if you had no health, and isn’t health part of our wealth?

4. What about spirituality? Having a focal point, a vision, a stability in our spirit?

All human beings desire to be loved, to be valued, but it is so easy to get caught up with what the media and popular culture values. Living alone has helped me to see the importance of true friendships, genuine people who care for you, it has also shown me the deception of the world and the false faces that people put on to get what they want from you. It is most unfortunate. Essentially, humans are flawed. Knowing this, we can move forward and create our destiny.

I have learned throughout my 24 years…that few things matter without stability in YOUR SOUL (not in your circumstances), relationships are the only thing you have if you have nothing else, and that the NOISE of the world destroys identity. 

All the noise (busy-ness for nothing, random obligations that we care not for, grasping of air)- is the one thing that distracts us from reflecting on why we do anything. Is it for others, for others to think well of us, seeking of approval? Is it because we are hurt and refuse to deal with the hurt?

Silence Mind

30 Rock


This blog post is titled 30 Rock, because I have been watching episodes of 30rock almost every single night.

I know, it sounds a little depressing, but it really isn’t. While I watch awesome episodes of 30 Rock, I write holiday cards, put jewelry together, print fliers, I multi-task.

Recently I have been thinking about the condition of America, mostly people like Liz Lemon (fictionally but also literally, or physically). Women who achieve academically and in their career, but are unable to find the love of their lives. At the same time, I think about those that are truly happy about their career, but also deep down want to be loved.

Then I think about men in our society, and what that even means for men to be men. WE have many expectations to fill, yet- few of us actually FOLLOW our hearts’ desire. The other question is, what is our hearts’ desire?

My heart’s desire, as mushy as this is going to sound, is to know that I am loved and lovable. This probably won’t come from fame, or even a nice husband. I have to ultimately KNOW that I am loved, to love myself.

To love myself…is to WASH my dishes after 3 days.

To love myself….is to drink enough water so I am not having heat flashes from dehydration.

To love myself….means to go to the bathroom instead of holding my pee when I need to pee and I’m watching 30rock.

To love myself….is to stop touching the pimples on my face.

To love myself….is to write and be happy with my voice.

To love myself….is to promise that ONE DAY I will meet Oprah.

To love myself….is to follow my heart’s desires, instead of suppressing them.

It is to trust that the universe has ME in mind and that My dreams…are aligned with many peoples’ desires.

What does it mean to YOU to love yourself?

Getting Lost Will Help You Find Yourself

The word is: question mark?From the age of 18-23 I had my fair share of fun. I went to all the cool events with open bar, got drunk, got free food and free swag bags, dressed up, and felt like I was on top of the world. These days, the glamour has faded a little. I still love dressing up, and perhaps a part of me is waiting for the right thing to go to, yet, finding that everyone has their own life.Sometimes I can relate to Liz Lemon from 30Rock, eating my cheetos, drinking wine or choice beer and watching reruns for 5-6 hours. Of course, I’m packaging goods to mail out as I’m relaxing. Your image of businesswoman as a bachelorette.

The life looks like this, getting my eyebrows waxed, remembering to call a potential client, swerving to the curb to not get caught by police (phone and driving). Today, biking to and partly around Rose Bowl, pondering way too deeply about life and the meaning of it all. I can probably philosophize the meaning of life to death. After a regretted downhill, riding back up and shouting to myself “Don’t GIVE UP!” After an hour of biking and really feeling lightheaded, realizing that I really need to drink more water…

I suppose I’m not the only one.

The 20s are the greatest years, some say.

I have seem to already have done my fair share of traveling, I have lived in 3 different countries, traveled to a few continents, and danced at too many to count shows of dubstep, house, jazz, moshpits, 80s, indie, the glitz makes me want to throw up now. The fashion world is all fake teeth and smiles, gets old too quickly too.

I guess you can call it self-discovery.
Though it can get a little stressful, this whole self- discovery thing.

Perhaps I’m done waiting and wanting the next chapter to open up. Like I kind of want to meet more people that are more interesting, willing to take risks, are really against the norm of society…perhaps I’m done talking about the things that normal people can’t stop talking about (and seriously bore me to death). There’s a whole new world I am just anticipating to enter into. Perhaps I’m just too smart and intelligent, yet have not become an addict yet, and am trying to find a healthier alternative to stop my brain from overthinking.

It’s time for some new experiences, besides biking and discovering different bits of the city- I’m looking for some new adventures.

The following is a message I got from my close friend: I think that we all feel this at some point in our lives, whether it’s us not being true to ourselves, us not following our heart, us not listening to our true passion, or us suppressing the life that wants to live and be fully YOU.
“I get the feeling sometimes I’m living a lie. A feeling I’m holding back, suppressing, and knowingly ignoring something. Dis-easing…I am neglecting my divine purpose the way an inadequate mother chooses to abandon her child. My spirit soul is mourning, denouncing further catalytic deferment. Pleading for attention, it beckons my inner artist and creator to proclaim emancipation from any extension of prosaic jaded existence. Sadness, confusion, estrangement swirl in a muddled slurry of unsolicited discomforting fears. Something is seeking rest; seeking peace of mind, closure having thus been forsaken. I am artistically, creatively, purposefully deprived…constipated from lack of fibrous inspiration…and my entire body/essence knows it. I’m angry at myself yet outwardly annoyed by everything and inconsiderately rude. I get the feeling, often, that I am pathetically concerned with being misunderstood an rightfully anti-social. I get the feeling I couldn’t be anymore overdramatic…and for a split day I feel under the weather..until I remember, I’m not alone in feeling this way. I am not less different or less awesome than any other influential awesome misunderstood artist. I am on the verge of greatness 😛:P. I am surrounded by awesome like-hearted, mountain moving friends like you 🙂:)
I am glad that I am called a mountain moving friend. I am so blessed to be a MOUNTAIN MOVER.
Another news is that, I felt in my spirit that my book needed some rest, that the more I was pushing, the less I was creating GREAT work. Sometimes like people, a book, a project needs space. 
Sometimes you need to get lost to find yourself.
I stare at this everyday now. It reminds me of 3 seasons:
1. CAGE STAGE– Being nurtured, structured, programmed, learning, in community and being in the cage to be fed and to rest.
2. BRANCH STAGE– a bird learns to observe her surrounding, starts walking, crawling towards their very fear or biggest challenges, it starts to be okay with itself, learns to accept SELF.
3. FLYING STAGE– a bird flies and soars, feeling utmost freedom, flourishing, creating and discovering.
Our lives are like cycles of returning to the cage, walking on the branch and flying. We need to realize that our lives are not always filled with successes, but sometimes we need to re-evaluate who we are, our goals, and rest when it’s time to nurture our souls.

The Painful Journey of Becoming New

For awhile I really didn’t understand why people took Xanax and other antidepressants. I had and have many friends that have sudden panic attacks. Yesterday lying in bed, I finally understood.

After moving out and becoming independent, I felt this HUGE gap of isolation. Your “real” family is dispersed and you are really on your own. It’s a sense of liberation and loss at the same time. Your life is constantly changing and with change comes new things.

The reality is: Every season of life requires a time of grieving. 

Time is not linear. Time is abstract. Everything is spiritual, everything is connected.

When a season of life passes, when what was “stable” leaves, there is something inside your spirit that grieves. However, the western world is so practical, that this grieving time is looked down upon. Grieving is healthy.

Yet, even lying in bed thinking about my aunt who passed away…I wonder, how did I grieve the loss? I just didn’t think about it.

I am happy, I am mad, I am angry, infuriated, I am happy.

I smile without notice, I laugh and am insecure.

This is what I am now, yet not forever.

I hold onto the little joy I receive, cherish it, hold it wishing those moments will never pass.


Her smile radiating.

Her own pains reflecting mine. Her past like a mirror of mine, noting all the segments of hurt.


I am, you are. Love, intersecting. Intersection of love and pain, bittersweet, life.


Sometimes I cry and feel this deep pang inside of my heart, rising up near my throat. My neck and shoulders tense up and I feel this harsh tenseness that won’t release me. I giving up, letting go, forgiving. I am, a woman, a woman who holds her own.

No one is to blame. It’s time to release myself to the future which awaits a queen of promise.  She is like the girl that held onto her teddy bear, waiting for her mother to come home each day. Waiting, her future. Waiting, her parents. Waiting, always, for that which never came. One day she found out that what she wanted was right through the door. All she had to do was walk through a painful journey of accepting, healing and releasing. She realized that no one is to blame, that everyone has their own door to walk through. Her job was to walk the journey in strength and love. All she could ever do was to be herself.