I was up late booking hotels for Vancouver and the rockys. And I got really anxious and then I couldn’t sleep, and then I got hungry and had to face some fears I had.
I felt out of control, but suddenly I realized maybe that’s where I needed to be. Out of control.
Sometimes things need to be out of our control so God can work. When we are gripping so hard on our plans and how we think our lives should work out, we have no room to hear God.
He said….you are enough. Dont worry about making the wrong decisions.
I get decision phobic when there are other people involved because I fear their disappointment, especially when it comes to my mom.
I am good at making decisions when I am alone, maybe that is why I like being alone. I have no one to disappoint. It is a lot of pressure to travel or even be with other people.
But I am learning it is not my responsibility to make others happy. Other people’s emotions are their responsibility.
I have been learning to set emotional boundaries for my whole life.
I like being alone. I’m good at it. I spent most of last year alone to heal. I could think clearly when I’m alone, I don’t have other peoples’ shit clouding my atmosphere.
Being alone is a safety net for me.
I know what to expect. I’m in control.
I think I’ve been so used, or perhaps I have ALLOWED myself to be so used that I no longer trust myself in relationships.
Could I speak up or stand up for myself?
It got to the point where I just had enough and had to cut people out without explanation. I assumed that people knew my boundaries without my having to say so, but life is verbal….you must speak up for yourself and your voice matters.
Part of the CHALLENGE of life is finding your voice, finding what you want, and speaking forth those things…this includes finding your own boundaries and emotional space.
Emotional Intelligence includes learning how to communicate your needs and wants.
So I was driving back from Palm Springs with my mom the other time and she kept talking and talking…my head space was getting foggy and I was WORN OUT. I was not in the space to just download crap into my mind.
I said “mom, I need to rest. I don’t want to listen anymore” and she stopped talking. I was amazed by how I just simplified my life by speaking up. I thought she was angry that I spoke up but eventually I realized she did respect my space.
Relationships are not easy…with parents, with friends, with partners, lovers, spouses.
It takes work to find clarity within yourself – to see what wounds need to be healed, to see what fears have you sweating at night or stress eating (like I was last night)….but when we find clarity within our souls, it is healing, it is redeeming, it is freeing.
“I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord. He will not allow your foot to slip” Psalm 121: 1-3
I had fears that God will not be there for me to help me stand up for myself.
I don’t have the strength to always know where my boundaries are, but that is why I lean on God’s grace to help me. He will never leave or forsake me. I’m right here, He says to me. I’ve never left you. I will not leave you to fend for yourself. I love you.
We must learn to communicate our boundaries if we are to be healed and come into healthy relationships. May this journey to be a fruitful one for you. Love and healing is worth it. You are worth it.
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