Follow Your Heart

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God keeps telling me to follow my heart but sometimes my heart leads me to pain. I don’t get it and sometimes I want to shut down and tell my heart…no, but I realize that by following my heart and breaking through to the other side, I am able to feel my emotions…even though the emotions are of love and pain.

For example, sometimes we love people who are not meant to be our future spouse. So maybe a part of us tells us NOT to love that person.

Sometimes people love people who are destructive and damaging.

Sometimes we love people who purposely neglect and abandoned us.

Sometimes we love people who abuse us.

It doesn’t make sense but we follow our hearts. And sometimes our hearts are broken and messed up and it needs to learn from a beating. It doesn’t make sense.

Recently I liked a guy who told me he didn’t want a relationship, he just wanted to be friends. He claimed that he no longer had feelings for me, which I didn’t really get. Deep down, I feel like he is lying to himself because he still wants to see me, he still wants to surprise me.

He wants to see me. 

That’s what matters to me. I don’t care if he’s just a friend.

God will tell me to go see someone. Human logic tells you “don’t have anything to do with this person, they don’t want a relationship”.

But God’s ways are not men’s ways. God wants to heal your whole heart. I’ve had deep conversations that have caused me to feel my heart in ways I never thought I could. Sometimes we think that we need to cut off all contact but God shows us through people that He cares about us.

When you think of someone, contact them.

When you appreciate someone, tell them.

When you miss someone, tell them. 

“What’s the point? What’s the outcome?” 

The point is that you are relaying to them who God is for them. When you show people that you care about them, that you are thinking about them, you are being a conduit of love to those who don’t experience God’s love.

When a guy told me after 5 years that he always thought of me, that I was special to him, it restored worth and value to me because I thought I was just another girl to him. But I was actually special, that meant a lot to me.

My dad never really told me that he missed me or loved me. It has been one year since I have seen him and the only thing he wrote me in one year is “wear a mask”. I reached out to him many times with no response. 

Does he care about me? Does he love me?

That’s why when the guy showed up in practical ways (like showing up at my house), it meant a lot to me. He cared about me enough to show up in person. When I get to see someone again and again, I can sense God’s love. 

That’s why I hate texts or messages. I like seeing people in person or talking on the phone with them. It’s easy to shut down when we are isolated, but God wants us to be loved by people.

You’re not alone.

Reach out to people, tell them how you feel. Your feelings matter. Do you know why you could be surrounded by people and still feel alone? Because you’re not relaying your emotions to them. You can actually be emotionally numb and be around tons of people. It’s isolating if you don’t tell them how you feel. 

Vulnerability is the only way to actually experience love. Vulnerability is love. 

I think that’s why when I went to house parties in my twenties, people would never really open up. It was really about having fun but not experiencing your emotions.

Now I realize experiencing your emotions help you experience love. When you’re able to say what’s on your mind and not hold back….and that person doesn’t judge you for it, you can experience love in a higher form. Understanding is the root of relationship. You have to understand through extensive communication. And even then, it takes time and energy to build communication. 

I am experiencing intimacy and emotional breakthrough like I’ve never experienced. The level of love I’m experiencing is truly marriage type of love. 

I always tell people now. Dating is not about the end goal but about emotional breakthrough and vulnerability. If you can learn how to be vulnerable with every person you go on a date with, you are truly ready for marriage. It’s not even about cutting someone off if they’re not your husband but maintaining friendships and being vulnerable with these friends. 

God is really unconventional.

Recently He brought men into my life that reminded of me of past crushes, when I was a teenager. I had a realization that I didn’t feel good enough for these crushes and God swept away any insecurities I had through talking to these men.

I felt like I wasn’t good enough because they had both parents and I only grew up with my mom. I didn’t feel like I was good enough because their family was more financially well off. I felt less than because I was young.

But today I can honestly say that I am good enough because of Jesus’ sacrifice, not because of what I have or my family background. I felt insecure about my looks at times, and I often felt less than because of how their family treated me. 

One guy’s parents seemed to think that I needed to be “controlled” and I was too wild. Some people at church told my mom that church is not a “fashion show” and I shouldn’t wear clothes to make myself stand out.

In a way I didn’t want to hang out or talk to conservative Christian parents. I thought they were judgemental and all they wanted to do was judge me. My mom was nagging but not really conservative. I just didn’t tell her much because I didn’t want her to tell me what to do. 

Recently I told this guy’s mom how I felt and she said that that issue is between the guy and I. I said “no, well you asked me how I was so I wanted to be honest”. She said that I was a beautiful young woman and I shouldn’t be that open with everyone as they may take it the wrong way.

Again I felt that she was trying to control me.

I will have to follow up and tell her how I felt about that. See, this is a continuing conversation of “emotional vulnerability”. Sometimes we want to hide and gossip, we don’t confront that person. But as I grow God is constantly teaching me to tell people how I feel. It can be difficult but when you realize love is vulnerability, you’ll have no fear in your heart.

Face each fear. Tell people the truth. That fear and shame will break off completely. 

What are you afraid to tell people? 

Is there something in your past that you need to confess? Did you feel hurt when your mom said something to you? Do you miss someone that you feel ashamed to miss? Tell the truth and you will be set free. Today ask yourself “what is my truth?”

If there is something you’re afraid to tell someone, that is an area of shame or guilt. That power will relinquish its’ hold when you tell people the truth.

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It’s Not Your Fault & There Is Nothing You Can Do

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I felt like it was my fault that my family fell apart. I felt like I could have tried harder to make my mother happy or to preach grace more to my dad, there could have been more I could have done.

But the truth is no, there is nothing I could have done.

My parents’ divorce had nothing to do with me but I started becoming a people pleaser, trying to fix everyones’ problems.

God spent many years helping me overcome this guilt. 

Even today God told me to go out to eat and I walked into another chicken place. There were two boys fighting. The dad yelled at the older brother and the mother said “it’s not his fault, it’s not his fault”. His dad was angry.

The younger brother sat there and cried but was “guilt tripped” into leaving as the whole family was leaving the restaurant and he was still there crying.

I started to feel languid, tired. Then another boy came in and he was 3 years old. He said to the waiter “I’m a grown man” and proceeded to get water on his own. That was me as a kid. The waiter tried to help him but he loudly insisted “I can do it on my own”.

I walked down the street to wait for the bus but twenty minutes, the bus was late….

I got tired but had nowhere to sit as the bench was wet from the rain.

I talked to the bus driver, his name was John. I took another bus home and immediately fell asleep. Before that I was calling my mom, not sure if I wanted to watch a movie with her as I had said I would let her know if I wanted to watch Frozen with her.

I went back and forth in my decision. I realize I felt guilty for “letting her down”. She picked up the phone, sounding like she was waiting for me. I felt even more guilty. She said “if you don’t want to watch the movie, it’s okay” but she sounded annoyed.

Here’s why I felt guilty….a few days ago, I said I went to watch a movie alone and my mother got angry, she said I promised to watch a movie with her. I said, “I didn’t promise, we didn’t make plans, I just said okay, and we didn’t agree on time or date”.

“So there was a movie I wanted to watch one day but I did not want to watch it with you mom. Sorry to say, but I wanted to watch the movie alone. God used that movie to speak to and heal my heart”. But there were even more movies I watch alone, because I realize I like watching movies alone.

Later again she mentioned, “you’re just like your aunt, you’re so selfish, sneaking off to watch a movie by yourself”. 

I know it sounds strange to some….why would I enjoy watching movies alone?

Because NO ONE can distract me or talk to me when I’m focusing on the movie. I hate it when people talk during a movie. 

So back to today………..I was standing outside in the cold wet rain,

I suddenly felt this pressure on my neck and heard God say “false responsibility”.

When I got home I said I wanted to take a nap, I said I did not want to watch Frozen.

She got angry and stormed out.

I suddenly burst out crying.

First I remembered the little boy in the restaurant and realized that I really wanted a kid, and it reminded me of the boy I had a dream about. God had long spoken to me about my future son (and daughter) and I have seen this boy in a dream. It has been an aching in my heart to meet my kids who already exist in the spirit. 

Then I realize the scene with the two boys fighting triggered something I had been feeling in my heart. I suddenly saw a vision of myself saying “it’s all my fault”. 

It’s my fault that my parents are unhappy and it’s my fault my brother ran away.

I could have done more.

But those are lies. I could not have done more. It is not my fault that my family is what it is today. 

I’ve met women who tell me “I feel like I can do more to save this marriage right?” and I tell them “no, you’ve done enough”.

It’s that nagging guilt that you haven’t done enough. 

But the truth is – you ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for other peoples’ feelings or pain! 

If your parents used to get mad at you, you’re not responsible for their emotions, or for fixing them.

I felt my heart release as I cried. I realize “no it’s not my fault and there is nothing I can do to make people happy, it is God’s job to do that. It is not my job to fix someone, it is not my job to even explain grace to them, to cause them to believe that God can heal their hearts. I’ve done enough”.

I’ve done enough.

I am enough.

I will not be guilt tripped into doing things.

Sometimes we hold these deep seated lies and we don’t understand why we act the way we do, I pray God will open your heart up.

You may be saying to yourself….

  1. It’s my fault I am where I am today.
  2. It’s my fault that my parents/friends/spouse/coworkers are unhappy

but the truth is God’s grace says 

  1. It is God’s job to get you to where you need to be.
  2. It is not your fault that anyone is unhappy. You are not responsible for anyone’s emotions.

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How To Deal With A Guilt-Tripping Mother

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New conversation with God added-

God– she’s not your responsibility

Me– it feels really heartless to leave her when I know she’s in need of care and love

God– only I can give her what she needs

Me– but what if she’s not going to you for it.

God– she will when you get out of the way.

As you know I talk about my mother a lot. She doesn’t like me writing about her but I feel like it helps people. Of course I don’t let her read them. A writer vows to tell the truth at all times, so here’s my truth.

I’ve included a video to help you.

It’s the holidays, how many people are guilt tripped to do what they DON’T WANT.

Questions to ask yourself-

  1. What season am I in? A season of rest, work, or healing? Your priority isn’t to live for someone else but to live for God and what God has told you. So if your priority isn’t to please your mother or family right now, it’s important to set boundaries and not succumb to spending every second with them.
  2. Whenever someone ask you to do something, walk outside and ask yourself if it’s something you want to do or if God has called you to it?

How to Deal with Guilt-tripping mothers or people-

1. Do not submit to what they ask of you out of guilt!

2. Explain why you don’t want to do what they ask of you. Don’t get angry back, just explain.

3. Keep NOT SUBMITTING

4. Be able to have a real talk with them about how it makes you FEEL when they do specific things like give you the SILENT treatment. “It makes me feel guilty when you don’t talk to me, you have to tell me how you’re actually feeling, can you communicate honestly with me?”

5. ASK them what they are feeling. Even if they yell eventually they will break and tell you what they’re ACTUALLY GOING THROUGH. Maybe they are afraid of the unknown, they are unsure about their life right now, maybe they are scared of being unemployed right now, or they have personal fears they are not letting you know about. 

How people act towards you usually has nothing to do with you.

People have issues, people get triggered.

Now say out loud-

I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, there’s no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

Things you NEED TO KNOW-

  1. It’s NOT YOUR FAULT IF someone is mad at you.
  2. If someone holds a grudge, it’s also not your fault. Because if you apologize, they may still hold that grudge.
  3. You are doing the BEST YOU CAN. Now it’s another issue if you never admit fault.
  4. YOU ARE NOT CREATED TO LIVE FOR or PLEASE YOUR MOTHER, FATHER, FRIEND or EVEN HUSBAND/WIFE! 
  5. There is a responsibility to TAKE CARE OF YOUR EMOTIONS or GO TO GOD for emotional support. Then there is going to people and telling them WHAT YOU NEED from them. 

a. For example I like to be loved this way- touch, texting, calling, gifts, spending time, etc.

b. Express what you need….I need alone time.

c. Ask what they need to feel loved.

6. COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING! And finally YOU CANNOT FULFILL EVERY DESIRE AND NEED SOMEONE HAS, only GOD can! Be okay releasing them to God for what only God can do for someone! 

Prayer- God today I release that person into your care and love. I cannot love them the way you can. I release all control of their heart to you. I release my anxieties to you as well. I am not in control. Only you can love them the way they need to be loved. It is NOT my responsibility to take care of them, it is yours God.

It’s important that you don’t become the person someone relies on all the time, because then you take the place of God in their lives.

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How To Overcome Addiction

All pornography, drug, alcohol, sex, food, cutting, workaholic, hoarding, overachieving, self-harm, masturbation, even “self-help” addictions come from a desire for emotional connection. Because when we are shamed or guilt tripped for being our imperfect selves, we try to find comfort in something else. Everyone is just looking for love.

And a lot of it comes from neglect and lack of love.

Why don’t you come out of hiding and be who you really are? And let the ones that will love you for who you are, love you completely. 

The first step to healing is exposing and speaking the pain. Admitting that you need help, and then asking for help.

This is the season God is bringing us out of emotional hiding.

God wants to heal your heart right now. He says you are enough in my eyes because of Jesus’ sacrifice. You are whole in my eyes because Jesus died on the cross for all of your sins.
You are set free by His grace.

Also a song from Holy Spirit- I’ve Set You Free To Love

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Women Arise!!! – Prophetic Word For Women

You need to rise because the world needs to HEAR your voice and YOUR tv show FULL VOLUME.

I had a dream where I was on a bus. In the bus were men and women but at several stops I saw young women, in their teens getting off the bus to please these men. I started shouting and asking the women to respect themselves, but they didn’t listen. I also saw blood shed and people getting murdered. At the end as I was running up the stairs to the exit, I saw a body slashed and drop under the wooden planks. The finale. Something is about to break, something that has tied you down for too long.

When I woke up, God gave me revelation. He said “you will lead a generation of women to freedom”. The men in the dream represented Shame, Guilt, Blame, and Accusation. 

When sex and any sexuality is involved in a dream it means “engagement”, “involvement”, “soul ties”. It is possible for everyone of any gender to submit themselves to the spirit of shame, guilt, blame and accusation and I believe that a generation of women has been under these for too long. God is about to set you free. 

It is NOT your fault that men harass you on the streets. It is NOT your fault that the world is the way it is and that you have been held back for so long. As hard as you tried, you felt like you weren’t making any progress.

Many of you didn’t know how to speak up for yourself, in your family, in your workplace, in politics, in your relationship. You felt muted. You felt like a tv playing out scenes but not being heard. You were muted by too many people around you. You were the pretty wife, the perfect mom but inside you were broken, you needed help, you wanted someone to see you, not for what you do for others but for who you are.

You wanted to know that “you are enough”. 

I have a word for you today!

Arise! It is time for you to take authority and say to those accusations, “I am free in Christ Jesus”. I am free from shame, blame, guilt and accusation.

Perfect love casts out fear because fear has to do with punishment. There is no punishment in love, only forgiveness and love.

You are going to rise to the top….I mean in authority over: SELF BLAME! Self hatred! Accusations! Guilt! 

You can rise to the top in everything in your life and still feel the above feelings….and NEVER feel enough, never feel like you DESERVE the life you want. 

God is saying you deserve it. You need to rise because the world needs to HEAR your voice and YOUR tv show FULL VOLUME. Your life NEEDS to be on FULL VOLUME even when it’s hard for others to hear, even when they don’t understand your language yet, even when your language is TOO sophisticated for small minds. 

 

 

 

Guilt Binds, Love Sets Free

I don’t know about you, but I sometimes do this thing where I guilt-trip people in such a subtle way that I don’t even realize it myself. And vice versa, and don’t we just hate it!

“Oh well fine, go hang out with her instead of me”- person says.

“you treat me like the devil, you run away from me whenever you can”- says parent.

And so on. But yesterday, as I was sleeping, I had another dream…this dream showed me how GUILT BINDS, BUT LOVE SETS FREE.

As imperfect human beings, WE ALL HAVE certain EXPECTATIONS of what certain people should do for us, or be to us. Well, our parents should do this and that, they didn’t love us this or that way…our friends should ALWAYS be there for us, our boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t DO this or that…the complaints continue and as we complain, our view of that person continues to dilapidate into shreds.

Meanwhile, we become negative, we carry negative energy, we complain all the time and only see the negative aspects in our lives.

GUILT derives from a deep-gutted feeling that “wow I didn’t do what was expected of me”.  I hear this a lot “I felt bad, so I…”. Then later, we complain because we didn’t want to do something in the first place, we put the blame on the other person.

But when we live in guilt, we live in bitterness, not an unconditional, freeing love. We live in a way where we are attempting to PLEASE people, not LOVE them. If we really love someone, we would be TRUTHFUL to ourselves and to them. The truth really does set us free (said right, not in a critical demeaning way).

A SIMPLE SOLUTION, too easy to say, yet so hard to do: LET GO

Sweet surrender they call it. It means letting go of HOW, WHEN, WHAT, WHERE even WHO. It means letting go of logic and trusting God to guide you to your destiny. It means saying “I’m a daughter/son of the universe and a higher being will take care of me”.

Letting go means relaxing, enjoying life and letting go of things you couldn’t control in the first place. Though the modern world likes to shove the idea that everything attained is strived for, I like to prove otherwise.

YOU cannot force someone to do things for you, to love you, to romance or even care for you. NO ONE is responsible for taking care of you. What does that mean? Parents take care of us because they love us, not because they have to. No one is responsible for your well being except God.

Lastly, accept all things as GIFTS, not expected actions of love. 

Love, my friend, is a gift. If you let go of expectations, YOU will become more grateful, more thankful, more loving, more alive. You will complain less and count your blessings more.

When we allow people to be themselves, we allow them to give to society the gift that they are. Maybe you do see flaws in someone and want to change them for the better- trust me,  something WILL happen when the time is right, that something will wake them up to make the appropriate changes (you are not god, YOU only need to be the unconditionally loving YOU that you are). How people are should not affect your own happiness; for happiness comes from within.

Please comment! I super appreciate it! Tell me how love has set you free in your life??